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So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
I wrote a game and it didn't do well. It was about the reader getting teleported into the story as a higher dimensional being and the whole story was about you taking seven parallel realities as payment for the one timeline that you grant the professor's wish(who teleported you into the story).

I knew writing it that using the words "person" and "they" to refer to the higher dimensional being, so that the story could work for eveyone, would be jarring, given that up until the eight endings, the higher dimensional being was referred to as the person in the teleporter.

I wrote it within four days, plus the extra few days of watching it fail and burn, and then editing it, but I wrote it with the intention of making readers piece it altogether. Poor word choices didn't help though. It wasn't supposed to a super fleshed out world, so I made the story be about a trickster god making the reader play the game in order for it to consume the seven worlds through your mind.

The part of the trickster god making you read the game wasn't supposed to obvious, just a theory that would creep into your mind for the ones that reread the game several times. It definitely isn't a traditional game this site is used to(Or at least I haven't seen any), and you have read all paths to understand.

Now, I made edits to fix that, and even named the trickster god that made the professor teleport you into the story, but it was too late. It averaged a 1.20 rating and got unpublished, but I'm willing to still work on it for my own enjoyment.

As a storygame, not the greatest, given the only choice you have is to not read the game, but that's lame, so I think delivering the full game in one shot like a linear story helps because the reader doesn't have to remember so much only being able to view one timeline at a time. Any feedback is welcome. I can post the whole story up here in this thread or in a private message. It's only 1116 words long, if I'm remembering correctly.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
I don't think the issue was the reader having too much to remember. You seemed to have about one sentence per page and there just wasn't much of a story.

1000-2000 words is the average size of a linear short story someone would post on the forum, so yes, maybe it would do better in that format. But you still need all the elements like setting, characters, dialogue, conflict, and resolution presented in an interesting way to make it a story most would want to read. People might be willing to give more direct feedback here though.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Okay, I'll post up the edited version to see if I improved it.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
The professor stepped into the lab, head down reading his notes. He looked up. Taken aback, he froze in his tracks. "Oh, hello there."

Say hi
What am I doing here?

Say hi: The professor started to walk backwards, eyes locked on the trickster god, Razmon, standing in the teleporter. "We have waited for you."

Where are you going?
What have you done?

What have you done?: The professor shook his head. "Only what the instructions told us to do." He stopped walking backwards, out in the hall. He looked both ways.

Wait! Don't go!
And who told you?


Wait! Don't go!: "No! Please don't take us away!" The professor bolted down the hall, out of view. "Where's the detonator?!"
Down from the teleporter, Razmon walked on the cold sterilized white tile floor. The pale blue walls, empty, unimportant. No sense in this place. No sense at all. With its mind, the power of existence was taken from the world.

And in pursuit of its next meal, it roamed the void, forever.
FIN



What am I doing here?: "Uh," The professor glanced down at his notes, tapping them with a finger. "Hm," He looked back up at the humanoid higher dimensional being on the teleporter. "Are you not pleased to be here?"

No
Who are you and what have you done to me?

No: The professor shook his head. "To be honest," He took a step back. "I didn't think you were real."

Well, I am.
Then, you shouldn't have brought me here.

Well, I am: Always in full control, Razmon, the trickster god, jumped off the teleporter. "And now, I take what is mine!"

"No!" The professor fell to his knees and bowed. "Please, have mercy!"

It absorbed his life and his world into its mind, unamused by the pathetic display. "This is mercy."

And unto the next world, it wandered the void with no end in sight.
FIN


Where are you going?: "Nowhere, uh," The professor looked over his notes again. "Uh, I mean wherever you want me to go." He cleared his throat.

Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought.
Where do you want to go?

Where do you want to go?: The professor dropped his arms to his sides, his notes falling to the floor. "I don't believe it," Letting the accomplishment sink in, he grabbed his head, grinning ear to ear. "We did it! We fucking did it!" Fist pump action, he bounced around, shouting.

Hearing the joyous commotion from their stations, many of the professor's colleagues unlocked their doors and made their way to the lab to celebrate. Some just fell to the floor right where they stood to cry, and others called their loved ones with the good news. After centuries of the same old shit, they knew mankind would never fall again.

And into an everlasting era of peace and prosperity, Razmon took them, to live like gods.
FIN

And who gave them to you?: "What?" The professor's eyes widened. "That's impossible!"

"Why fear?" Razmon got off the teleporter. "When you can rejoice!"

"We-we found them! We chose to bring you here on our own accord! And we can choose to send you back!"

"Relax. You are one of the reasons why you will receive." It smiled, walking towards him. "Can't you tell? You fucking did it!"

"Fuck your riddles!" The professor reached into an outer pocket on his labcoat. "You can't have us!"

The explosion destroyed the building, leaving Razmon behind with the rubble.

"You cannot deny me what is mine, slave." Into its mind, the rest of the world went, never free, forever bound.

And to new worlds, it ventured, for the rest of eternity.

FIN

Then you shouldn't have brought me here: "But, belief isn't necessary. I know now." The professor kneeled and bowed his head to the floor. "Like you, we were brought into a world we do not want to be in. Please, we only ask that you give peace and prosperity to all. No one deserves to live without them."

"I will grant you this and more," The higher dimensional being snapped its fingers. And I'll take you as payment. "You will be pleased, I guarantee it." Or your worthless lives back.

The professor looked up. "Thank you!" He began to weep. "Thank you!" Doors unlocked and swung open all throughout the building, the halls flooded with rapturous joy.

And that's when it jumped off the teleporter, taking the world away before it could even land on the floor. Goodbye and goodnight. Sleep tight. Razmon laughed, in the void, where it searches for more.


FIN
Who are you and what have you done to me?: "I, uh," A grin slowly formed on the professor's face. "I created you."

Really?
Why?

Why?: "Because if things don't change around here, we'll be stuck for another two hundred years." The professor took a couple steps forward, hands behind his back. "Now, we can talk about the ethics of creating sentient servents all day long, but I'm more interested in getting a fresh start in this thing we call, life. What do you say? Want to make our dreams come true?"

The higher dimensional being shook its head, always doing as it pleases. "Typical. They hear a word about interdimensional C-drifts and they think they can identify it."

"Shit!" The professor reached into an outer pocket of his labcoat.

"Looking for this?" Razmon, the trickster god, waved the detonator in its hand. "I didn't really appreciate it the last time, so," Gone, the world. Gone, everyone. "Fuck you."

Plunged back into the void, to appear somewhere else, to feast again, Razmon goes on and on.

FIN

Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought: Razmon slow clapped. "Maybe you do belong in your paradise." It hopped down from the teleporter and took a few steps towards him. "Fortunately, you won't have to worry about anything anymore."

"So? You-you'll make it happen? You'll do it?"

Razmon smiled, standing still. "Of course, the faithful deserve the fruit of their labor."

The professor stared at the trickster god, waiting for the act to end. "It's what's fair."

"Which is why it is true, now and forever."

Shoulders dropping, a sigh of relief, the professor lowered his head. "Thank you...We really nee-The higher dimensional being took him and the world away, the variety in flavor proving to be lacking.

To find what was missing, it all blends in, world to world, Razmon stops at nothing.
FIN

Really?: "Yes," The professor nodded, serious now, watching. Slowly leaning back, his face lit up. He blew a raspberry and danced in place, then stopped, eyes cast on the floor.

I knew there was a reason why these feebleminded creatures belong to me. Razmon looked on, unimpressed. Most would be better off never existing in the first place.

The silence restored the professor's courage, and he lifted his eyes up to the teleporter. The blank expression staring back at him brought back the grin on his face. "As I was saying," He walked towards the seemingly oblivious trickster god, hands behind his back. "I created you...Brought you into this world... And bestowed upon you some of my power...Now, we must test this power, to see if you are fit to rule beside me. Is that clear?"

"Very clear," Taking away all reality from the professor and his world, Razmon ended up back in the void, restless. Its striving, eternal.
FIN

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago

Alright, since you seem to want to improve, I'll give you some pointers based on what you currently have. But to preface this: if you're put off by how much text there is in this review, well, let's just say writing may be the wrong hobby :)

1. Scenes vs stories vs storygames

I know a lot of writing advice focuses on starting small, but this seems more like a scene than a story. All that happens is a conversation between the professor, the higher beings, and Ramon. Now, it's not to say that this cannot make for a complete story, but most good stories involves some degree of plot, character development, and theme.

A scene, on the other hand, revolves around a singular event. It almost always involves a change in a character's physical or emotional state. I could probably give you more advice about writing stronger scenes, but we'll save that for another day. What you currently have seems more like a scene, which as Mizal suggested, might work better as a linear short story, yet even then you'll have to develop everything a lot further.

Storygames are quite different from linear stories. Unlike the latter, readers will not---and cannot be expected to---read every path in a storygame. Each branch should feel complete, whether it leads to a death scene, a premature ending, or the official ending. Thus, if you're choosing to write about seven parallel realities, each has to be a cohesive story of its own. That means the reader should be able to follow the events of the story without being forced to read the other paths. Another thing: the choices must be meaningful. If you're writing a linear storygame, you're better off posting it as a short story in Creative Corner instead.

But even if you were, you'll need to follow this next piece of advice:

2. Write more words

I would suggest fleshing out what you already have. One of the first things I noticed is the lack of paragraphs on most pages. Readers here prefer a strong narrative than making choices every few seconds or so. That's a common issue with most new writers; in fact, I started the same way, and one of the things that helped me was setting a 200 words minimum for each page. Before you know it, you'll be writing pages longer than 2k words and struggling to cut down content instead! If you want to see what I mean by writing more words, try glancing at a few featured storygames on this site. Look at how these pages are structured by paragraphs.

This ties in with the typical 'show, don't tell' advice. I know, it sounds like something of a cliche, but it's pretty important to consider when you begin writing. For instance, don't just tell us the professor stepped into his lab. Describe his lab a little. Is akin to a normal lab, or something more futuristic? What was his state of mind when he stepped in there? Could you give us a bit of information about the notes he's engrossed in? And don't just mention that he 'froze in his tracks'. Describe his shock in more detail---immerse the reader in that moment where he feels a presence in the room, hostile and intent, like an unshakable feeling of being watched. A sense of dread clouds his mind. Then show us what he sees as he looks up. He locks eyes with the creature (this is a good opportunity to describe what the higher dimensional beings look like - if it's in third person pov, that's easy enough; or if it's in first, they could describe themselves as if explaining his shock). And only after a few moments does he seem to shake himself out of his trance and say, "Oh, hello there."

I could probably do the same for the rest of the content, but you get the idea. We need more information about what's happening to truly feel immersed within the story. Use more words to stretch out the significant moments, and quickly summarise the less important bits. All this ties in with the next part:

3. Character development

At the moment, you have three significant characters. You've given them some semblance of a goal. It's time to take this a step further: sit down and think about what each of them really wants. What is the professor's greatest desire? His personality traits? His greatest fear? Answer the same questions for Ramon and the higher beings too. 

I've noticed there is some inconsistent characterisation between paths. In most of them, Ramon erases their existence, but in a few, he helps them instead. What causes the difference in reactions? If you wanted to make this a more structured story, you could start with developing the higher beings and making us care about them. Tell us their desire, the driving force behind every action we, as the reader, will take. Same with the professor and Ramon. Even if you can't directly state what their intentions are, if you have planned it out in advance, you can hint at it through their words, actions, and dialogues. 

Once we care about the characters we're playing as, we'll want to make good choices. The consequences must reflect the characterisations of each character. If Ramon responds favorably to several remarks or conversation threads (which hint at the type of personality he has), then as the story progresses, the readers should choose with this in mind, which leads to more reasonable outcomes. Any plot twists ought to be foreshadowed (let me know if you don't know what this word means). Part of the reason this story feels random is that some of the outcomes are completely unpredictable. Rather than follow a chain of causation, there appears to be no rhyme or rhythm - asking one question leads to death, while another success. 

And maybe it's just because I'm writing this half-asleep state, procrastinating sleep, but who are we supposed to root for? The professor? The higher beings? Ramon? I'd have thought the answer would be the higher beings, seeing as you mentioned they're the characters we'll play in this 'story', but in a lot of the endings, the stakes appear to be focused on the professor. When he's killed off, there's no mention of what even happens to these higher beings. Same as when humanity brings mankind to an era of peace and prosperity. We don't know which character we're meant to care about---which is even more crucial when there are various characters with conflicting motives---so we end up not caring about this story at all. 

I was going to add more about story structure and pacing, but this should be enough for now. I've written more words than you have in your story lol.

For more tips on starting to take writing seriously, I recommend reading some of the writing advice in this thread (link), especially this post from Gryphon (link)

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Thanks for the feedback.

You are correct, it is more of an event than a story, and I intended it to be that way. It seems it's still confusing.

Here's an explanation I left in the comments of the game before it got unpublished: As a storygame, it is bad. It's all just one story about you, the reader, being teleported into the professor's world as the higher dimensional being and taking seven parallel realities as payment for the one timeline where you do take them to their paradise. Which is why it's called, Experiments on Nerba 8.

And making the person(used to be genderless so the story works for everyone) grant the wish without you having a choice about it, is meant to imply that a higher dimensional being made you play the game in order for it to feast on the professor's world through your mind.

The storygame world isn't something that is important to the higher dimensional being, a trickster god known to grant wishes from time to time, thus the lack of details. The setting is unimportant. It is only there to be consumed.

End quote


You can ignore the second part because I edited it to include the name of the trickster god, Razmon.

Now, as to your second and third point, it is written from Razmon's pov(The three characters here are, the reader, Razmon, and the professor) and he does not care about the professor or his world. Like in, Wait! Don't go!, the only description you get about the lab, other than sterilized white tile floors, isn't even a complete sentence.

The pale blue walls, empty, unimportant.

Because it's from Razmon's view and he doesn't care, I employed a very minimal writing style. Overwriting unnecessary info wasn't a part of the plan.

The notes the professor has are the instructions he refers to when asked what have you done. And Razmon only helps them in one ending. All the others he takes as payment. In, Then you shouldn't have brought me here, the professor tells Razmon what the wish is, and Razmon grants it, only revealing to the reader through direct thought that it's going to take the professor and his world as payment.

It's not really explained in the other endings, but each of the seven ending has Razmon takes their world and goes to new worlds to consume, which is you, the reader(teleported into the story as Razmon), going to see the other timelines and then going on to read other works of fiction. Everytime a new reader reads it, Razmon consumes seven more worlds to gather enough fuel to propel the one timeline of everlasting peace. The last lines are more for infinite replayablity.

Notice, all timelines exist at the same time, so like in, And who gave them to you?, when Razmon says. "Relax. You are one of the reasons why you will receive." It smiled, walking towards him. "Can't you tell? You fucking did it!", it is pointing to the fact that Razmon has already granted the wish and is taking the other seven timelines as payment.

There's more clues like that throughout all eight endings. Maybe it's too cryptic.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
"it is written from Razmon's pov

No, it's isn't. That might be your intent, but it absolutely is NOT written from that POV.

"Because it's from Razmon's view and he doesn't care"

You can't assume that everyone knows that. In fact, the reader DOES NOT KNOW THAT. The reader will not know that unless you tell them or show them. Leaving out words does neither.

"Overwriting unnecessary info wasn't a part of the plan."

This is like me writing the following story:

-----

Because.

Now select Yes or No.

------

Then, I explain that I did it because there was an all-powerful being that already knew why, so it didn't want to give you any more details. That's fine, have that all you want, but if you tell the reader nothing, they aren't going to somehow guess what you're thinking and they're not going to be interested in your story at all.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
But if the being the professor is talking to is Razmon and you're the one choosing what to say next?
And you get to read Razmon's direct thoughts in two of the endings.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
There's three points of view, only two of which that are often used in writing.

First-person is as I've described. The writing shows the world entirely through the eyes of one person. It cannot ever change. You cannot show ANYTHING off-screen. If the person taking the action isn't seeing it, it is not in the story. Sure, lots of things can happen outside of the view of the person, just like in real life, but you won't get to read about it until the person taking action actually sees it. This is difficult, but for the right circumstances, it can be very effective.

Third-person is the most commonly used version. This allows the writer to write about anything. This is sort of the idea of the camera hovering over the scene that you're reading, but you can switch to any scene at any time. This would allow you, for example, to view the lab at one time, with some people in it; then another location outside the lab with different people in it.

If you're writing entirely from Razmon's point of view, you can only write what Razmon sees. Of course, if you want to get fancy, you might make Razmon view things through walls and such, so you can write about what's going on there, but it has to be as if Razmon's looking. You will never write "I" unless you're referring to Razmon. You would write what Razmon knows. So, if Razmon knows the professor's name, you can use that in writing. If he doesn't know the name, you CANNOT write it.

If you wanted to write a story where Razmon doesn't care about things, you can write that, but you have to show that he doesn't care about things! You can't just leave them out because the READER cares about things. The reader wants to know what's going on. Razmon can ignore the white, boring walls, but they are still there and the reader will want to see them. You would need to build a whole story around Razmon not caring, but you'd have to show that at all times. Maybe he ignores things -- so you write that he ignores them. Maybe he doesn't care about something -- so you have to write that he shrugs it off or something like that.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
I used third person limited. The direct thoughts do not have thought tags, but action tags. I see using more words would help.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Mystic has some sound advice, but personally I don’t think most of it is going to help you. Beyond the differences in formats, word count, or anything else, there’s one major problem with what you wrote.
It is bad. Very bad, actually. The kind of bad that writing more words is not going to fix, but actually worsen.

You seem to be going for some kind of grandiose, epic writing style that simply doesn’t translate with your current writing ability. Honestly, most of the time I had no idea what was happening or how these random pseudo-poetic ramblings fit into whatever was going on, and that’s not even taking into account punctuation errors, of which there are plenty.

My recommendation is to read books. Novels all share a general format and a structure because it works, and because people like it and are engaged by it. Read a couple novels and compare to what you wrote. You will immediately notice that the pace of your story is all over the place, and that your characters (arguably the most important part of any story) are just boomboxes for whatever exposition your story wants to put out. They have no personality or development whatsoever. But yeah, I don’t really know what else to tell you other than read novels and try to emulate them I guess.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Thanks for the feedback.

Could you elaborate on the what makes this pseudo-poetic?

I do believe I explained what's going on and what I was trying to do in my reply to Mystic.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Ok, after reading this over three or four times, I think I've finally figured out what you wrote. It appears that you've got a bunch of pages here with choices, then other pages that are the result of those choices. One thing that made this very difficult to read is that if you did that, it's not really clear. You could have indented, bolded, indicated "Go to Page 2" or something. So if that's not what you attempted here, I really didn't get it. But if you did, from what I can tell, this is page 1:

The professor stepped into the lab, head down reading his notes. He looked up. Taken aback, he froze in his tracks. "Oh, hello there."

That's it (I think). Let's just look at page 1, shall we?

Who is this professor? What is this lab? Who I am? Why am I here? How did I get here?

While some of these questions might be the point of your writing, that's not even clear enough to tell. I'm guessing that you're looking to write this from the first-person point of view, or the view of the reader in the story (based on you mentioning "I" at some points). While this can be effective, this can also be a very difficult way to write a story. You have to keep in mind that if it is a first-person view, you can NEVER show anything that the protagonist doesn't see.

But back to page 1. Let's go with the idea that you're trying to write a story where the protag (the reader) doesn't know what's going on. That's fine, but you should get that into the story:

-----

You remember being in your back yard. You had just thrown the frisbee and it was going to be a perfect throw, you just knew it from the release! You were trying to watch the frisbee curve through the air, but for some reason, you couldn't focus on it, you couldn't even see it. Where did it go? You just couldn't remember. Everything seemed so foggy and confusing. There was the frisbee, but then what?

You were in your mind, but where were you? What was happening? As you started to feel, you realized that you were lying down. You were on something hard. It wasn't really a bed, but maybe you were on the ground? You couldn't really move and your eyelids were very heavy. Strangely, you weren't tired, though. What was happening?

You managed to crack open your eyes and everything was very, very bright. You quickly closed them again. Squinting, you looked and could only see white. After finally focusing a little, you could see you were staring at something that was all-white. As you remembered you were lying down, you realized that it must be the ceiling. But where was the light coming from? The ceiling, viewed through the slits of your eyes, was smooth and looked like some metal, but it was also light. Shouldn't there be light bulbs or something?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps. You could hear someone getting closer to you. With all your might, you turned your head towards the footsteps. You managed to get your eyes open just a little more and you could see someone walking towards you. The footsteps stopped. As your eyes continued to adjust, you could see a small man standing there, looking at you. He had a completely bald head, but a scraggly, furry, messy white beard that pointed in all directions. He was wearing a completely white coat, probably a lab coat. He was carrying something that looked like a old-fashioned clipboard. Your analysis was interrupted when he said, "Oh, hello there."

-----

That, at least, sets the scene up a little more. It has action, because the professor is there and you're going to need to take action. But it lets the reader know what they know and what they don't know. You could add lots more with sounds, smells, and things like that, this is just a quick draft of something that makes the reader want to actually continue, rather than just reading one sentence with no idea of what's going on!

Hope this helps!

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Thanks for helping out.

I think my relpy to Mystic has the answers you're looking for. If it helps, when I first published the game, in the description I put, Destination set. Ready when you.

Then you hit play and yes, that is the first page.

The professor stepped into the lab, head down reading his notes. He looked up. Taken aback, he froze in his tracks. "Oh, hello there."

Say hi
What am I doing here?

Those last two are the options the reader has. And then, for either option, the next page reveals that Razmon, or a humaniod higher dimensional being, is standing in the teleport and you, the reader, are playing as it...because you're the one choosing what to say.

I know this wasn't explained in the story, but the reason every option is a question is because Razmon, when it first meets its summoner, it asks question, sort like riddles, and when you choose to say, where do you want to go? The professor knows that any question where Razmon asks you what you want, it will give it to you.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
My brother in christ you might wanna put all these words defending your story into writing your actual story

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Yeah, if I have to explain it this much....

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Description: Destination set. Ready when you are.

Three questions. Eight endings. One event.


Experiments on Nerba 8


Page one: The room was cold and dark. Suddenly, the dim lights overhead turned on, and the door opened. A man dressed in a white labcoat stepped into the lab, head down reading his notes.

The professor looked up. Taken aback, he stopped in his tracks. "Oh, hello there."

The fear leaking off the man told Razmon the etheric implant worked. New worlds await. 

Player option 1: Say hi
Player option 2: What am I doing here?

Player option 1)
"Hello,"

The professor started to walk backwards, eyes locked on the trickster god, Razmon, standing in the teleporter. "We have waited for you."

Player option 1b: Where are you going?
Player option 1c: What have you done?

Player option 1c)
"What have you done?"

The professor shook his head, glancing at his notes. "Only what the instructions told us to do." He stopped walking backwards, out in the hall. He looked both ways.

Player option 1c.a: Where's your detonator?
Player option 1c.b: And who gave them to you?


Player option 1c.a)
"Where's your detonator?"

"What?" The professor searched every pocket he had. "No!" He bolted down the hall, out of view. "It's gonna eat us all!"

Down from the teleporter, Razmon walked on the cold sterilized white tile floor. The pale blue walls, empty, unimportant. No sense in this place. No sense at all. With its mind, the power of existence was taken from the world.

And in pursuit of its next meal, it roamed the void, forever.
                                                                                                                         FIN



Player option 2)
"What am I doing here?"

"Uh," The professor glanced down at his notes, tapping them with a nervous finger. "Hm," He looked back up at the humanoid higher dimensional being on the teleporter. "Are you not pleased to be here?"

Player option 2.b: No
Player option 2.c: Who are you and what have you done to me?

Player option 2.b)
"No."

The professor shook his head. "To be honest," He took a step back. "I didn't think you were real."

Player option 2.b.a: Well, I am.
Player option 2.b.b: Then, you shouldn't have brought me here. 

Player option 2.b.a)
"Well, I am." Always in full control, Razmon, the trickster god, jumped off the teleporter. "And now, I take what is mine!"

"No!" The professor fell to his knees and bowed. "Please, have mercy!"

It absorbed his life and his world into its mind, unamused by the pathetic display. "This is mercy." 

And unto the next world, it wandered the void with no end in sight.
                                                                                                                   FIN


Player option 1b)
"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere, uh," The professor looked over his notes again. "Uh, I mean wherever you want me to go." He cleared his throat.

Player option 1b.a: Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought.
Player option 1b.b: Where do you want to go?

Player option 1b.b)
"Where do you want to go?" All fueled up, it was time. Razmon smiled, delighted to know the price.

The professor dropped his arms to his sides, his notes falling to the floor. "I don't believe it," Letting the accomplishment sink in, he grabbed his head, grinning ear to ear. "We did it! We fucking did it!" Fist pump action, he bounced around, shouting. 

Hearing the joyous commotion from their stations, many of the professor's colleagues unlocked their doors and made their way to the lab to celebrate. Some just fell to the floor right where they stood to cry, and others called their loved ones with the good news. After centuries of the same old shit, they knew mankind would never fall again.

And into an everlasting era of peace and prosperity, Razmon took them, to live like gods.
                                                                                                               FIN

Player option 1.c.b)
"And who gave them to you?"

"What?" The professor's eyes widened. "That's impossible!"

"Why fear?" Razmon got off the teleporter. "When you can rejoice!" 

"We-we found them! We chose to bring you here on our own accord! And we can choose to send you back!"

"Relax. You are one of the reasons why you will receive." It smiled, walking towards him. "Can't you tell? You fucking did it!"

"Fuck your riddles!" The professor reached into an outer pocket on his labcoat. "You can't have us!"

The explosion destroyed the building, leaving Razmon behind with the rubble.

"You cannot deny me what is mine, slave." Into its mind, the rest of the world went, never free, forever bound.

And to new worlds, it ventured, for the rest of eternity. 

                                                                                                                 FIN

Player option 2.b.b)
Then you shouldn't have brought me here: "But, belief isn't necessary. I know now." The professor kneeled and bowed his head to the floor. "Like you, we were brought into a world we do not want to be in. Please, we only ask that you give peace and prosperity to all. No one deserves to live without them."

"I will grant you this and more," The higher dimensional being snapped its fingers. And I'll take you and more as payment. "You will be pleased, I guarantee it." Or your worthless lives back.

The professor looked up. "Thank you!" He began to weep. "Thank you!" Doors unlocked and swung open all throughout the building, the halls flooded with rapturous joy.

And that's when it jumped off the teleporter, taking the world away before it could even land on the floor. Goodbye and goodnight. Sleep tight. Razmon laughed, in the void, where it searches for more.


                                                                                                              FIN
Player option 2.c)
"Who are you and what have you done to me?"

"I, uh," A grin slowly formed on the professor's face. "I created you."

Player option 2.c.a: Really?
Player option 2.c.b: Why?

Player option 2.c.b)
"Why?"

"Because if things don't change around here, we'll be stuck for another two hundred years." The professor took a couple steps forward, hands behind his back. "Now, we can talk about the ethics of creating sentient servents all day long, but I'm more interested in getting a fresh start in this thing we call, life. What do you say? Want to make our dreams come true?"

No more questions, no more riddles. Playtime is over. The higher dimensional being shook its head, always doing as it pleases. "Typical. They hear a word about interdimensional C-drifts and they think they can identify it."

"Shit!" The professor reached into an outer pocket of his labcoat.

"Looking for this?" Razmon, the trickster god, waved the detonator in its hand. "I didn't really appreciate it the last time, so," Gone, the world. Gone, everyone. "Fuck you."

Plunged back into the void, to appear somewhere else, to feast again, Razmon goes on and on.

                                                                                                               FIN

Player option 1.b.a)
"Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought." Razmon slow clapped. "Maybe you do belong in your paradise." It hopped down from the teleporter and took a few steps towards him. "Fortunately, you won't have to worry about anything anymore."

"So? You-you'll make it happen? You'll do it?"

Razmon smiled, standing still. "Of course, the faithful deserve the fruit of their labor."

The professor stared at the trickster god, waiting for the act to end. "It's what's fair."

"Which is why it is true, now and forever."

Shoulders dropping, a sigh of relief, the professor lowered his head. "Thank you...We really nee-The higher dimensional being took him and the world away, the variety in flavor proving to be lacking.

To find what was missing, it all blends in, world to world, Razmon stops at nothing.
                                                                                                                     FIN

Player option 2.c.a)
"Really?"

"Yes," The professor nodded, serious now, watching. Slowly leaning back, his face lit up. He blew a raspberry and danced in place, then stopped, eyes cast on the floor.

I knew there was a reason why these feebleminded creatures belong to me. Razmon looked on, unimpressed. Most would be better off never existing in the first place.   

The silence restored the professor's courage, and he lifted his eyes up to the teleporter. The blank expression staring back at him brought back the grin on his face. "As I was saying," He walked towards the seemingly oblivious trickster god, hands behind his back. "I created you...Brought you into this world... And bestowed upon you some of my power...Now, we must test this power, to see if you are fit to rule beside me. Is that clear?"

"Very clear," Taking away all reality from the professor and his world, Razmon ended up back in the void, restless. Its striving, eternal.
                                                                                                                  FIN

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago

Dude. Somehow you seem to be missing the point that describing and explaining ARE what a story is.  While you may not have to tell and explain everything within the story, you have to explain enough for the reader to picture themselves there.  That's one reason it is called storyTELLING.  If you just leave a bunch of stuff out that is either in your head or in some mystic all knowing beings mind, you are not actually TELLING a story.  You have to give the reader something to hold on to.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
So you're saying in the latest version, it still makes no sense? It's right above your comment. If you are, could you explain what confuses you? I think this version's is better than the last. It describes a dark room, lights come on and the professor steps in. I know it's still not much description, but I still want to stick with a third person limited minimalistic writing style for this one.

I added other stuff to, like: Player option 1b.b)
"Where do you want to go?" All fueled up, it was time. Razmon smiled, delighted to know the price.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago

Basically yes. The latest version is still disjointed.  While evidently you have an idea in your head of the effect you want the story to have, it is not coming across well.  So however you conceptualize it, a story still has to communicate. Some of the folks that have given you advice are much better writers than I am, so I'm just going to recommend you try and listen to them.  But the approach you are taking at the moment does not appear to be working.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Disjointed, like out of order? Or not enough info, like setting, descriptions of how the professor and Razmon look like? Because to me, a line like, The man walked into the small local restaurant., is enough information for my imagination to provide something I can see and grab hold of in my mind. Even though things aren't described, I can move on, expecting to find more stuff out as the passage unfolds. Or even if it's never explained again, and there's a scene inside said restaurant, I could still see it.

It's still written as if it was a storygame. I haven't molded it to be a real linear story yet.

So who wants to help proofread

3 months ago

"The man walked into the small local restaurant., is enough information for my imagination to provide something I can see and grab hold of in my mind "

While this sentence should be enough information for anyone's imagination to provide an accompanying visual, it's not how a story works! This means you're writing without any consideration for themes, motifs, imagery, figurative language, characterization, worldbuilding, etc etc. It's like giving someone a skeleton and telling them that they have to imagine the muscles, organs, skin, features, personality, clothes, etc about this person. Look at the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs. No, seriously, go watch it right fucking now, and really watch it.

Alright, done? Now watch it again.

It could be described as "a group of rowdy men eating at a cozy diner together" and that paints a picture in anyone's head, but the actual context and information within this scene is important! All the men are in suits, with slicked-back hair, cigarettes. There's the clear imagery of professional criminals---there's dialogue which conveys the same image, while deepening it as each character expresses their individuality. Some show vulgarity, some show their aggressiveness, some show that they are capable of complex emotions. Even their facial expressions during the dialogue of others is relevant. They even display a bunch of differing opinions just discussing the tip! These motherfuckers are dressed the same and named almost the same; however, they are all distinct, and we get hints at every one of their personalities and even some foreshadowing.

Sure, this is a movie, but all this shit is applicable to writing. If you create depth, then you can create a story that allows the reader to imagine something actually interesting, to actually get invested. You can't get invested in a daydream.

So who wants to help proofread

3 months ago
It really was not necessary to say "the professor" as many times as you did.

So who wants to help proofread

3 months ago
Yeah, giving his name when he's first introduced would be better. Thanks for reading.

And Merry Christmas to everyone. Thanks for helping a motherfucker out.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Lol what happened to this thread.

Okay but seriously, if you're having to type thousands of words explaining why your thousand word story doesn't suck, there's probably something wrong with it. Because when stories are good, people enjoy the experience of reading them without needing to be convinced.

I really think you ought to take the time to look at some of the higher rated games on the site, sci fi or whatever else you like. I think you'll be able to identify pretty quickly some elements in those that readers enjoy, that are not present in this one you started out with.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
I don't like reading first or second person stories. Do you have any good third person games I can look at?

First person, I know you had the time to write the story so you should be okay.

Second person, I know I'm not in the story.

Nothing wrong with first or second person stories. There's clearly a ton of them on this site with very good writing. But I prefer third person narratives.

On a side note, the fact that my profile picture is of a penguin holding a book all fucked up with a question mark is hilarious

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago

Let's start with short stories: link

 

The first story is sci-fi (3rd person pov), the second one revolves around powerful deities (also 3rd person), and the third is a good example of writing the narrative voice of a would-be-killer (though it's 1st person).

 

I'm sure I don't need to spend more time telling you why you didn't really achieve the intended effect you were going for. Instead, to show you're serious about improving, I want you to read these stories. Pay particular attention to the writing styles and release of information. Once you're done, it might be easier to start with writing a simpler short story, focusing on a well-defined character and structured plot. 

 

(Btw this reminds me: I know I have half-finished Thunderdome reviews sitting in a document somewhere. Although it has been a while since they were concluded, I might as well finalise them seeing as I remember reviewing at least 3 stories, if not 4).

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Those are very good stories, thanks for showing them to me. I don't spend alot of time in the forums. Looks like I'm missing out on some good stuff.

So who wants to help proofread

4 months ago
Father Leofwine Is Dead and The Cult are a couple I can think of off the top of my head that are third person. But interactive fiction has been predominantly written in second person since the 1970s so if you've got strong feelings on this you might have stumbled on the wrong hobby.

Of course it's common in more mainstream games to refer to the character as "you" as well, the point is you're taking on their POV and a narrator is describing events as you see the world through their eyes and make decisions on their behalf. Much like in D&D or other tabletop games where you're not really meant to be a distant disembodied third person observer being told about things that happen to someone else.

So who wants to help proofread

3 months ago
Right, thanks for the suggestions, I'll read them.