Fleeing the Forest

Starting with a disclaimer, this review will contain spoilers. I’ve also never read the source of inspiration (sorry, Mizal) so any references will hop over my head.

The start captures the tone and setting of the story nicely. Perhaps some parts seem to be overwritten (in particular, the use of ‘loop around’ before ‘loop de loop’, and some sentences might be run-ons) but I like the worldbuilding interspersed in the descriptions. It creates a strong sense of setting and the atmosphere of wide-eyed wonder at the natural beauty of the place. A nitpick might be that it's a little odd the protagonist refers to the others as adults when he is one himself, which initially made me think Hops was a child.

A grammar note: use commas instead of full stops before dialogue tags. I won't go into too much detail because I'm sure there’s an article about this somewhere.

I got a bit of tonal whiplash from the wholesome setting description to the conversation that's not quite for children. Not sure if that's intentional. I should have guessed based on how this isn't a Family Friendly story but I was expecting a wholesome tale about bunnies. It could still be that though, sans a few innuendos.

While it is a little confusing that the protagonist doesn't actually enter the conversation until a while later, leading to the other characters being characterized first, this unconventional approach at least results in some memorable first introductions for Daisy, Flick and Fang.

I like that the last few lines of the first page sets up a clear call to action and creates suspense. Yet, the fact that a choice was alluded to when readers aren't actually given a choice on the page seems like either unnecessary information or more likely, this was a page where a choice would have been added were it not for contest time constraints. (If you've noticed this review is shorter/less carefully proofread than my usual ones, deadlines are also to blame for that).

The lore links are essentially infodumps and while they do help the reader learn more about the characters and the world, it would still be preferable if this information were added organically into the story or if there was a story-specific reason to add an infodump. The cast page, setting page, and Titans page felt more like an author's notes which readers wouldn't normally see. Still, it was useful to find out more about this story's worldbuilding. This affects pacing too. I like how the stakes build from simply going on a mission to learning about the other rabbits that sought asylum and then realizing the presence of Titans. The description of their fear before really characterizing what Titans are shows the impact before filling in the details, which makes readers actually care about finding out this information. Yet, stopping the flow of the story to read about the Titans feels akin to pulling up an encyclopedia right before stepping into a fight. It breaks the momentum that has previously been built. I also think you could do without the ‘(since you don't have a choice here)’ as it unnecessarily draws attention to the fact that there hasn't been a branching choice so far.

I've noticed some spag errors but it's nothing a quick proofread can't fix, so I doubt there's much point listing them out. At least one other comment has already done that anyway.

Well they don't have much self-preservation, do they? Either way the stakes are raised as the destruction the Titans leave behind is shown. Then, a Titan sees them and gets on a beast.

Okay, I didn't think the protagonist would be that bad at creating a distraction (I'm pretty sure distractions are normally created from afar) but it does match with his earlier poor survival instincts. The characterization of our protagonist is a little shaky. He's fearful enough that he didn't want to go on this scouting mission in the first place and only did so for fear of ostracisation if he didn't, then wanted to return home immediately when they encountered the Titans, but suddenly he becomes heroic, either attacking the Titan head-on or holding the hole in the wall open for the others to pass through first? A bit of an abrupt change.

Hmm, the elders are suspicious, especially after they've expelled the latest rabbit refugees. I wonder why Fang is so determined to oppose them (or maybe that's just his rivalry with Flick). I like Elder Willow the most as she appears more sensible than her counterparts, even if she, like the others, are archetypal traditionalists resistant to change. But naturally our cast of protagonists have a plan.

The darker tone for Daisy and Fang in the dictatorship ending did catch me off guard but I suppose it does match the violence of the choice, despite it being surprisingly easy to stage a coup.

On the other page, I liked how there was a good sense of interiority in the writing among the external descriptions and conflicts. Having the protagonist’s thoughts and observations mixed in grounds the reader in the scene a bit more. This story doesn't shy away from gory details which conveys the impact of each dangerous encounter clearly.

I think I have a sense of the structure now. It moves from one life or death threatening event to the next, where the pacing speeds up, slows down, and the pattern repeats; usually when there's a choice, one ends the story prematurely while the other continues it. I guess some might say there isn't as much branching as there could be and it is somewhat linear, but at least this allows me to read every page quickly.

The non-chronological order and pov switch to Fang was a little disorienting. Oh I see, the Titans are humans, that's a nice detail. I suspected it briefly but the part about earthquakes and thunders when they walked threw me off guard. That and I thought the existence of humans would've been more common knowledge.

I like the development of Fang's character arc. He goes from being selfish and only caring about himself (as illustrated in the ending where he takes over the colony) to developing empathy for a Titan who risks her own safety to free him. And now he's about to return the favor. The whole scene about child abuse being filtered through a rabbit’s pov was done well. Now Fang is able to lead not through mass murder, but by motivating others, even if it’s through revenge.

In a way, it almost seems like he should be the main character, because aside from constantly having the tie-breaker vote we didn't see as much of an arc for our protagonist. Something simple like scaling up his bravery or choosing to have him speak up more often (classic courage vs cowardice choices) might have resolved this. Regardless, I enjoyed this story and the feel good ending at the end. The bantering conversation between Flick and Fang was a nice touch. While it may only be a matter of time before the newly-freed rabbits encounter another owl, which could be especially dangerous for the domesticated ones, after the hopeful ending, I’d like to believe they all make it out alive and in time to save their original colony from any hunters.

There are probably spoilers below, so I’d suggest reading the storygame before this review.

I’m a bit biased here as I’ve read Watership Down, but I really did like this. I enjoyed it enough to read through all the endings of my own free will rather than being morally obligated to do so for a review, even.

The violence was vivid and other such adjectives. I particularly liked the owl ending, Hops’ gruesome end was both creative and articulate. There could have been a bit more focus on the pain itself rather than the mechanics of the violence occurring, describing the sensation of the ribcage being torn apart, but it was still pretty good and vaguely reminded me of the way End writes death endings. I do mean that as a compliment.

The animalistic description of excavators as yellow beasts with gaping mouths conveyed the terror of the rabbits and the cruelty of humanity in a very evocative way. The titans were done quite well overall, the way it was written in the rabbit perspective left room for the reader to engage with the text and figure out the references without being confusing. Humans as a whole were fleshed out as antagonists, considering the contrast between the construction workers and the child that adopted Fang, so good work on that.

On the characters:

Fang’s character development was a major strength of the story. Turning him from a immoral killer to a compassionate and caring character was done in a realistic manner throughout the journey, and his final state fit with his earlier characterization of enjoying the pleasures of life. Kudos to you on that, very much an improvement from Terrorist.

Didn’t really get a strong sense of personality from Hops, but that makes sense since he’s a reader stand-in.

Daisy and Flick felt a bit like caricatures on occasion. They both had depth outside of being the harlot rabbit and the gay rabbit, but it would have improved the story to flesh them out as much as Fang. They were well-written characters regardless and the interactions between them were amusing.

Benton was with the group all throughout the journey, but didn’t take any particularly important role or contribute all that much. I forgot he existed while writing this review, so make of that what you will. I wouldn’t say he was badly written, in any case.

Very enjoyable cast of characters overall, with realistic interactions and fun dynamics. I’d definitely read a sequel if you wrote one.

Some more branching would have been nice. Most choices either led to death or an immediate ending. The endings were varied and followed a logical path, so I did enjoy them, even if I wish there were more paths.

The storygame as a whole successfully explored a few important concepts rather than attempting to cover many, which is another improvement from Terrorist. The themes probably existed as well, but I'm very tired at the time of writing this review and do not want to do literary analysis, so I will not be elaborating on that statement.

Would’ve liked to see a bit more lore of this world as well. The actual Watership Down had a rabbit language and a whole mythology, this did not quite reach that same standard. Comparing your storygame to a published novel may be unfair of me though, so I’ll just say you did quite well for the word count and expertly fleshed out the social dynamics and organization of the colonies.

A few SPAG errors scattered throughout. Didn’t interfere with my rating whatsoever, and nothing a proofread wouldn’t fix.

I gave it a 6/8. More work on the characters and branching would have pushed it to a 7/8. I enjoyed it very much, and do hope to see more storygames from you.

The main character is a rabbit called Hops? Well, that got me humming the Zootopia songs. I like the writing style, it is very rich and profusive, even if the mention of kits gave me nightmare flashbacks to the Warrior Cat fan fiction days. These rabbits are players! Shirking work is frowned upon? But that is literally how I get through life! Oh well. The cast list and glossary are helpful, though I think I might have just about been able to figure out what a burrow is without a definition 😊

Flick’s got issues. Wow, these construction workers are pretty brutal. I like the “no bunny left behind” approach we take with survivors. I love the idea of a rabbit called Fang btw. The Elders remind me a lot of Congress. I like that the rabbits are ok with dropping f-bombs. Launching a coup seems slightly ambitious so I’m good with the run away and start my own utopian colony elsewhere where we can breed like… well, we’re rabbits. The rule against leaving has always been enforced by exile? Wouldn’t that achieve the result we’re going for anyway?

I prefer organized groupwork in my rabbit-based military tactics so we’re murdering this owl as a team (question, can rabbits even kill owls?). So, things got a little dark after that but I like Fang’s redemption arc and the ultimately happy ending. I can see why this story got such good ratings: it was well-written, imaginative with solid branching, no SPAG errors and the character writing especially shone. I’ve never read Watership Down but this story reminds me that I should. This is a really excellent little story :D 6/8

Cool (BUNNIES!!!).
Nitpicks:

1. In the description, it says “...a average…” (the …s are for skipping over text). It should be an average not a average.
2. On page Approaching the elders, paragraph 39, it says, “"Genius is one percent inspiration; ninety-nine percent perspiration." ‘And I'm actually curious myself? What are we doing to convince everyone we need to move?’ ” I think it would be better as (and this is my opinion) …myself, what…

It was really awesome, I liked it a lot, GO BUNNIES!!! Sorry. I'm a bunny fan.

Overall: This has the makings of a good story, but also has the distinct ear markings of a contest entry. I think if you went through and put more time and effort into this it could definitely be a great story.

Characters: The five main characters are pretty well characterized, even without the extra info links. Honestly I’d consider this department one of the stronger aspects of the story. 8/8

SPAG: The main problem I noticed is parallelism in your sentences, and it was a pretty common problem. Also paragraph breaks in weird places, or missing where they should be in some cases. 4/8

Branching: Not a lot of choice in the beginning, or any actually. There’s never more than two options, either. There’s really only one actual plot, with other choices just leading to one final page. 3/8

Plot: Interesting, though at times it’s literally just Watership Down. Still, it did have a plot and was entertaining, which is more difficult than it would seem. 5/8

Total: My ratings average out to exactly five, which sounds acceptable. 5/8

**other comments**
Wasn’t expecting such a peppy and bright beginning from you. I just know (partially because I’ve seen Watership Down) that this is setting me up to be destroyed by rabbit violence and brutal deaths.

Autumn really doesn’t need to be capitalized

> “So the splendor of the forest's avian population, far from leaving you breathless, tend to have the opposite effect of robbing you of precious sleep”
I feel like this could be reworded to be less confusing. I mean, it does work as is, but perhaps something like “So the splendor of the forest’s avian population is far from leaving you breathless, in fact tending to have the opposite effect and rob you of precious sleep.” Though I’m not sure leaving you breathless and robbing you of sleep are opposite phenomena.

I like how you go about explaining everything. Not info dumping but I’m getting a ton of information no less

Gay? Gay.

Hey, why don’t I have the option to send Fang with him?
Extra info links are generally frowned upon, with most people preferring to gather this information organically (through the story). I don’t mind them, though.

On “what is this place” when you’re defining burrows, I dunno if you meant to say “each rabbit normally has two exit/entry points” but it would probably make more sense to say “burrow”, since I’m assuming the rabbits don’t have their own personal doors.

There’s a difference between a hyphen and en dash. En dashes look like this: — and hyphens are your more-commonly-seen “-”. En dashes are supposed to be used for breaks in sentences while hyphens are for connecting words, e.g.”merry-go-round”, “twenty-five”, “ne’er-do-good”

I like the dialogue between Hops and Flick. Shows they’re good buddies… sometimes I guess.

Personally I feel like I should have the option to run back and tell the colony what I now know (so even if I get killed they at least know), then come back and further investigate.
I don’t seem to have a lot of choice at all so far. Even if the elders would behead me for running away, I should still be able to do that if I so please.

The gory rabbit death sure didn’t take long

Feel like I should have the option to leave the kit to die in order to make it back safely and potentially save my colony.

Daisy= slutty clover

When a character has spoken in a paragraph, if the dialogue shifts to another character it’s gotta be a new paragraph

Flick= openly gay Fiver

Wish I’d gotten the choice to be more outspoken during the meeting. Feels like I’m getting yelled at by Flick for something I didn’t control

A wild option (finally) appears

For someone who didn’t say shit during the meeting I’m sure convincing when it comes to talking my fellow rabbits into agreeing with me

Also wish I had the option to try and convince other rabbits, even if it completely failed

Honestly I don’t think you need the “cast of characters” link. You do a nice job of explaining them through their actions and dialogue, as well as the thoughts of the narrator
“Flee the colony” page 19th paragraph, no comma needed during “You realize belatedly” or right after it

Same page and paragraph, should be “and with Fang’s all-black fur making him harder to spot”

Why the fuck would I head straight to the Titan’s lair

My decision to not do that seems pretty irrelevant, as Fang immediately decides we’re doing literally that

So we just tear the owl apart, that’s… wholesome.

"Five days later" after just making a big discovery feels weird. I feel like this was an attempt to get the story done quicker, and the plot suffered for it.

Ah, now we’re going to five days earlier. This is a little confusing.

The endings seem really rushed.

Opening and Technical Elements:

Love the opening paragraph. It subtly characterises the protagonist while at the same time building the world and setting. I'm usually not a fan of having information links in stories because half the time I feel like the stuff in them could be very easily woven into the story itself, but I'm actually quite pleased with them in this one. I was a bit confused about what a buck and a doe were, so that was helpful.

Pacing and Structure:

It’s quite a fast-paced story, but not in a way that feels forced or rushed. Within the first few pages, we've already established the setting, the protagonist, character dynamics, and even raised the stakes by introducing the potential antagonist or threat to the colony on the second page. It’s all happening fast, but it’s digestible and impressive how you've managed to do it all within two pages.

Character Development and Dialogue:

"I'm not very well liked, and won't reproduce. You tend to keep to yourself. If something happens to us, it's not exactly a blow to the colony."

Damn, that’d hurt knowing that.

The dialogue is very well done. It feels smooth and vivid to me, and each character demonstrates unique gripes, preferences and sensitivities during their conversations. What's also interesting is that each character seems to have little quirks or 'eccentricities' about them. For example, one rabbit is rather promiscuous, the protagonist is a bit of a loner, or subtly excluded. One rabbit, the council member, is quite cunning and inwardly rebellious toward others of the same post as her. All of this comes together to weave a rich dynamic interaction between all the cast members.

Technical Note:

"Even Flick was forced ti admit taking him was a good idea."
Found my first typo! "Ti" should obviously be "to". Typo was found on the 'flee the colony' page.

Plot and Emotional Impact:

Oh man, the plot twist with the 'titan kit' is such a good emotional driver for the plotline. It helps 'humanise' Fang from being a big, almost wannabe tyrant rabbit to a rabbit that possesses empathy for a child struggling with abuse. Great plotline choice, it adds lots of levity and emotional depth into the story, making Fang more relatable and the human child seem endearing, just wanting a friend in Fang.

The ending, where we choose to help the human child, is quite emotional. Fang definitely steals the show, showing the most character development and becoming the most complex and nuanced character in the story. Ben does a really good job at conveying the emotional dynamic between Fang ("Flopsy") and the human child, as well as her turbulent relationship with her father. I wouldn't be surprised if it even made some people tear up a bit.

Areas for Improvement:

One critique I have is that I wish there was a way to save our former colony. Out of all the endings I’ve found, we don’t appear to do that. I find this a bit troublesome because the entire reason we went out on our search mission was in hopes of protecting our colony. If we ended up going against this or not caring about the broader colony, it would have been nice to see some character development showing this subtle shift in demeanour from the main cast of characters on our adventure to the human territory.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, it’s a good story. I definitely enjoyed it, mostly for the depth demonstrated by Fang and the emotional dynamic between him and the human child. There may have been a bit more room to explain or show Fang’s shift in demeanour from a "tyrant" to an empath, even for a human kid, which none of the MC nor the other characters in the cast demonstrated a capacity for, despite seeming to have more balanced personalities at the beginning of the story.

There were a few typos here and there, but nothing so egregious to seriously detract from the entertainment value of the story. A quick proofreading would suffice in this aspect.

Good job Ben! Definitely my favourite story by you so far, you're getting better. 6/8.

Well done!

I have seen the movie adaptation of Watership Down, so I had some familiarity with this type of setting. The characters each had distinct voices that I could relate to as a reader. The conflict was very well paced and I could feel the tension of humans being a world-shaking threat to animals. I was surprised by where the story ventured as I wasn’t expecting Fang to be the sort of rabbit to empathize with a human, but it was a very good twist. That’s just one of the two endings.

For a short story, the two endings are decent, but one is clearly more developed than the other. There are options for the character to choose from, but there aren’t that many, most end in immediate death. Thankfully it’s not a huge issue as the prose is engaging, but as a player of a storygame I would have appreciated more development for the colony takeover route. It could have been interesting to see more there as I could feel the weight of choosing between fleeing and staying in the colony.

There are some small spelling and typography issues, but that can be taken care of fairly easily with an edit. This is a great short storygame that I would encourage others to play if they come across it!

I loved Watership Down, I read it as a child, so I was already halfway interested in this storygame when I realised it was inspired by that book.

I found it interesting how humans were referred to by the rabbits, as Titans. I also liked that, as the storygame went on, Fang was shown to have more depth to him than he originally appeared to have. His conflicts with Flick added more tension to the story and to the world, which was really good to see.

I found the Elders to be a little hard to understand. On the one hand, I could understand them not wanting to believe reports of Titans from strange rabbits...but refusing to believe two from their own colony just made no sense to me. I felt the same kind of frustration as Hops did, which is why I chose the option of leaving the colony.

While it's been a long time since I've read Watership Down, I did remember enough about it to appreciate that the feeling of this storygame was very similar to the book. I also really liked how, in the path I chose, Fang formed a connection with one of the Titan kits. Although switching perspectives was a little jarring and I would have liked the telling of that to be woven more seamlessly into the storygame, I was able to appreciate Fang's thoughts about protecting the rabbit kits, the future of their colony, and how he couldn't understand the Titan not treating his kit well. I also really liked that, by the end of the path I chose, Flick and Fang had reached a kind of understanding.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this storyline. It was engaging and entertaining and I enjoyed learning about the world and the characters. Thank you for sharing this!

This was a great read!

I really loved that there were multiple branching paths with their own stories to explore. I would absolutely recommend multiple playthroughs of this one. The characters are well written, and the dialogue of the rabbits does a good job of portraying the terror they feel for the titans.

Loved it!

Reading the first page, I was fearful I'd be subjected to a gay furry story. But it turns out this is more like Once Upon a Forest.

What I liked: The descriptions of the "Titans" from the rabbits' perspective was nicely done. I also liked that there was a longstanding culture which had ancient tales of humans ravaging the environment and killing rabbits. As absurd as the idea of sentient rabbits is inherently, this was done reasonably and believably.

What I didn't like: You just had to have the gay stud rabbit, didn't you? I imagine there is a furry version of this story lying unpublished on your profile. One where Fang and Flick find that their mutual animosity conceals a feverish mutual attraction.

In all seriousness, there weren't any major problems with this. This was nicely written and included a fleshed-out world. World building is something I very much enjoy in these storygames, and you did well with that here.