Mall Adventure

Ah, this was rather interesting. Writing wise, this was passable and I rather enjoyed this, outside of it not really being that much of an adventure.

However, there are glitches and looping pages that just really spoiled my enjoyment of the storygame because they weren't all that difficult to stumble into, especially given the length of it.

I especially noticed a glitch when denying the chocolate bar from the woman, the two choices that come afterwards just loops repeatedly. So that was pretty unfortunate since it drove any and all sense of immersion to a screeching halt.

Now onto something rather odd with the actual plot. I may have missed something. But when you do accept the candy bar, the woman is suddenly rude in both of the following choices. That was rather odd, seeing as how she was kind enough to pay for it and all.

Overall, this storygame has many issues that become glaringly obvious with each page and that is very unfortunate as I liked some things. The pictures in particular were rather cute in all honesty.

My personal suggestion would be to read over your own story, seeing if certain things are in working order before publishing, because I feel that many of these things could've been easily avoided with better care and proofreading.

The only good thing about this story is the one point I get from rating it. I'm sat here, seriously wondering what the hell was going through your mind as your mouse crept closer to the 'Publish' button. Are you testing me, Satan? Did I pass away in my sleep and end up in some pseudo-reality hellhole? What was the point? Why did you make this!? It doesn't make any sense to me, unless your aim was to raise my blood pressure and increase my risk of heart disease.

I want to help, you but you're making it fucking hard with this shit.

Anyway, ad homs aside, here's a breakdown of why this storygame deserves to be smothered in the night:

- Grammatical mistakes on the first page: a pet hate I've come to embrace when reading anything below a rating of about 3.5. There's also a random tense change in there.

- The font changes and starts off blue and tiny... then black and bigger. It's absurd and looks horrible.

- Why the hell is the premise to test a ride and buy a calendar!? This is not, by any stretch of the most creative of imaginations, a good plot. It's dead and barren and lifeless.

- 'be honest and say where you were' leads back to the same page, forcing me to lie to my parents and that's THE END OF THE STORY. THAT'S IT. 10/10 NICE JOB CHUM.

There is, disappointingly, so much more crammed into the waste of 2000 words you spewed out, but you're never going to come online and see my bordering-on-hate-speech comment, so whatever. Screw it.
Oh yeah, and How The Hell is this a 6/8 length as well though!? It's like 2000 words. Just kill me already.

2/8, and you only got that because I misclicked on the way to 1/8.

Could use some editing, overall was an alright story line. Not a bad start, but could be more interesting.

That Was a fun experience I loved the ending where I got ice cream especially XD

There were several links that don't work in there...

I kept running into glitches, like going some where I never choose or ending up in a loop. The story wasn't bad, but I couldn't enjoy it because of the glitches.

How old are you? Have to stay with your parent well shopping, but can just leave without them caring?!?!

I would NEVER walk off without a parent...

It was alright.

Not very good, a very short story but it was alright. I wish I was aloud on the rollercoaster though! :P