Setinel

Not a fan. Too quickly paced, and the grammar issues were hard to ignore. If you aren't a native English speaker, I can always excuse them (learning a new language is hard, after all), but if you are, they're not excusable in the slightest.

Keep trying, though. Putting together a storygame can be hard work,

Rating (Terrible): 7/60

+0/10 Story Line (Very good and well written)
+2/10 Game Mechanics (Stats in game are always a huge bonus )
+2/10 Details and Art
+1/10 Grammar and Spelling
+2/10 Sentence Structure
+0/10 Character Development


I'll get straight to the point. The grammar was terrible, there was no story line, characters were not developed and there were hardly any details. Overall the story was written poorly with many random elements. I didn't even bother reading most of the texts...

BORING...

The game ends very abruptly, and there is no sense of character or description. This looks like a first effort that needed to be baked more. When I saw this:

"Your lifted up and dragged down a hall through the door which you where leaning on."

I knew this wasn't going to go well. I would recommend working on basic spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure first, before writing a complex story.

Now this is one of those examples of how acceptable quality on the site has changed so much in the last few years. There's no way this story would survive if published today, and now that it's showing up on the 'in need' list it's interesting to see how it's plummeted from the first ratings when it was originally published. (Which consisted of the author giving himself and 8/8 over and over again.)


Okay, but first impressions:

The title is misspelled. There are also misspelled words in the description.

Opening the first page, the first thing I notice is how bad the punctuation is. The author didn't proofread at all to the point there's an error in literally the second sentence. As I continue it becomes clear the author has no idea how apostrophes work and frequently mixes up similar sounding words.

What is a 'gravely' voice?

How does the MC survive 'a shot to the head' with pistol?

There are so many questions I could ask. Why is the girl introduced with blue armor and then later the armor is red?

WTF is even happening in this story. The girl's blue armor changes to red, we steal a ship from an enemy base and some random guy is on it and we just say hey and he kinda shrugs and wanders off? There's some random space battle and suddenly we're just accepted as the captain of the ship we stole, oh and also btw a bunch of teenagers overthrew the world and...all this crap is so confusing and poorly explained...

The plot of this story was my character waking up in an enemy base, taking a shotgun from the first guy he sees and easily killing all opposition. Carrying an injured and barely conscious girl 'down the hall' where there just happens to be a battleship full of her friends in armor just sort of, hanging out. They don't seem very interested in the girl or who you are or what happened and when you take over their ship they just shrug and consider you their captain. Also, something about everyone in this setting being teenagers who overthrew the world. I don't know. None of it makes any sense.


'The girl is rambling into a microphone to who knows who?' -- The line from the story that most captures how the reader will feel. What is the author saying? Who are they saying it to? Is the microphone even turned on? Who even knows.

If the author is any indication of what the teens overthrowing the adults are like, I won't say that I wouldn't prefer mass extinction to their success. Well, I would prefer it anyway, but you understand my point. This isn't the worst piece of writing, and it did resemble a story, but it needed a lot of work.
The grammar was poor enough to really distract from the writing--which was not good enough to make up for that. The story was also pretty linear. There only choices that were not fake were instant deaths.
I was not entirely sure what was supposed to be happening in the story either. It felt more like a prologue than a work that can stand on its own.
I hope that next time the author has the patience to produce something with a little more polish to it and a story that does not end as soon as it starts.

This would be a great story, but you didn’t spend enough time on it. Good story though!

I enjoyed your game. It was very short but interesting.

You received an ehh? on the NomNom scale! You're writing left me confused, and also there wasn't enough back story to figure out what was going on. I feel like you just abandoned a puppy in a cardboard box on a dark street, and the puppy being your story. So, I guess nice try?

Conversion Chart:
yuk!=0-1 stars
eh!=1-1.9 stars
meh...=2-2.9 stars
nom=3-3.9 stars
nomnom=4-4.9 stars
nomnomnom!=5-6 stars

The cliff hanger at the end of the story is kind of annoying. There are a lot of grammar mistakes, though besides for that I like the way you write. I wish that this was longer and more detailed. 3/8