Slay the Dragon

- - Quick Review - -
I must say I was a touch surprised by the contents of this story. It’s amusing, and the author does a nice job of giving it a medieval fantasy feel. I do wish it were a bit longer, but if you’re looking for a quick quest story and don’t need a ton of options then you’ll enjoy. I recommend if you enjoy quests, knights, dragons, maidens, and/or have a sense of humor.

SPOILERS BELOW! SPOILED THINGS ARE REALLY GROSS

- - Highlights - -
I love that the author used drop caps (never mind that I had to look up what they’re called). It was a stylish choice that really added to the medieval fantasy vibe. Another thing that helped support that feeling of the story was the language. The author did an incredible job of using knight-like language, which was a very impressive and enjoyable touch.

As I mentioned previously, this is a funny little storygame. It’s full of little jokes like Sir Loin (haha) and my personal favorite “You’ve never seen air die so brutally”. I laughed aloud several times while reading this (got some strange looks but who cares).

The first page does a nice job of bringing the reader right into the action, starting with the king’s dialogue. It presents the conflict at hand, introduces the main character, and sets up the later events in the story.

I liked that all of the failed choices had a reset link at the bottom, that was a helpful feature.

I don’t think any of this thought went into the naming, but I did some research on Sir Weaver and his steed Havachub’s names. As can be expected, Sir Weaver’s surname name means “a person who weaves cloth,” which when read into as deep as I read into it can hint that his family perhaps came from poverty and it’s probable that his ancestors never would’ve guessed their descendant would be such an honored knight. Then it took a bit more digging for Havachub, but roughly his name means “hated life-giver,” so interestingly enough them combined would be “a person who weaves and hates life” which is kind of funny. If you’re curious as to how I got that feel free to ask.

- - The parts of Slay the Dragon that were not “slay” - -
The first thing that came to my attention was the choices to be made— or lack thereof. This story was less like climbing a tree with many branches going further and further up and out with the threat of one snapping beneath my weight, and more like walking across a high-up path in the fog where a wrong step meant sudden death and there were few possibilities to take wrong steps. It was sad to say the least; made this feel more like a short story than a storygame.

All characters were introduced, but there was little development for any of them. I want to know about Sir Weaver’s drive for completing the quest, Sir Loin’s stupidity (and on that note what caused him to vow to be blindfolded in the first place). It just felt like there was a lot of missing lore for all these characters, and a fantasy without lore in my opinion is just dull.

Another thing I would’ve liked to have seen is better descriptions of setting. This is a medieval fantasy, surely there’s something wacky to describe! Not just settings either, most of the action sequences were rather short and easy feeling. I would have enjoyed the story so much more with some fleshed-out knight combat scenes.

Overall, the whole thing made me feel like I’d been shorted with this story. I had expected choices, many obstacles, a real dragon fight, some sort of connection between Sir Weaver and the princess. It just could’ve been done better.

In addition, there were a handful of SPAG errors throughout this story, such as the author missing a word or using “precedes” instead of “proceeds”.

- - Final Thoughts - -
Despite all its flaws, this is still a fun little short story. I just wouldn’t call it a storygame due to its lack of choices and branching. To be improved the bottom line is just flesh it out. Give it some details and more action, and some choices. If you enjoy an amusing story and don’t care about branching, it’s certainly worth your time. I gave it the benefit of the doubt in rating because despite its flaws it still presents a humorous, fun-to-read short story. Congrats on writing and publishing a story Fluxion, I’ll definitely have to read more of your stories.

Flux, don’t you think this wholesome fairy-tale-like quest game should be in the family friendly category instead?

General Recommendation: Do you like dragons? Do you like dick jokes? This story may be for you!
Preview: Can you make it to the dragon’s lair and save the maiden it has captured?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
Well, I definitely just read that.
I think the word “quaint” can best sum up the superficial tone of this story. It reads a lot like a children’s bedtime story, particularly the interaction between the knights on the bridge. The way their conflict is resolved is very reminsicent of old-timey fairy tales. The encounter with the nymphs and comraderie between the three knights fits equally well with the theme and structure of these short children’s fantasy stories.
The whole “quaint” thing is, of course in sharp contrast to this story’s true purpose: To cram as many dick jokes as humanly possible into the smallest amount of words.
For what it is, this game is very well done. It has a simple premise and concept, and it’s well executed, without cluttering up the plot needlessly or overstaying its welcome. Trying to make this game longer would only dilute the idea, it’s just the right length.
It would be better as a short story, however, as there are really only two choices, and they are each save-or-die. I recommend rewriting this as a linear short story.

Specific notes:
-Haha dick jokes.
-It can be tough to write “knightly” dialogue without coming across as stiff or weird, but this story does a good job of it. It's also a nice contrast.
-The joke about the horse being named poverty is amusing.

Grammar:
There’s a couple issues, but nothing distracting.
-“Proceeds”, nor precedes.
Mastery of Language:
Extremely good. Not only does Fluxion write archaic “knightly” dialogue in a satisfying and non-cliche way, but the sheer volume of dirty jokes crammed into this work is legitimately awing. Fluxion shows a mastery of wordplay here that isn’t often seen on this site.

Branching:
Zilch.

Player Options/fair choice:
Pretty good, the consequences of actions are well foreshadowed.

WRITING ADVICE:
I recommend re-writing this as a linear short story, it’s not really a storygame.

CONCLUSION: Like many of the games in this contest, I rate this 4/8 for linearity. Would easily be a 5/8 with better branching, but it doesn’t qualify as a story”game”.

Okay, I read the Fluxion's dragon story. Still, why dragons tho, the nightmarish landscape of all continuous streams of these reptilic monsters embodying genericness has once again sprouted the lands of this site. Anyway, let's get into the 'meat' of it.

To sum up it up, the whole tale is one big dick joke. From the names of the characters 'Sir Loin' to the way how conflict is solved in the story, everything is dedicated to this single theme. If anyone less keen on the more crass humor, wouldn't find a lot of enjoyment to it.

Well, I was having quite a great time to see three bumbling knights set off to fumble their way to save the princess. Their interactions with each other are very humorous and honestly the main character acting as the 'straight man' really plays off well with the more airheaded Sir loin.

The game's greatest strength is their heavy use of teasing wordplay and the dialogue. The characters talk in a very archaic way which even more emphasizes their sheer supidity and the ridiculousness of them all.

One thing that was rather lacking and something I struggle myself is that it sometimes feel that the characters are talking in a white room. There is little descriptions of the environment if at all, and due to this the passage of time is also not conveyed very well.

I myself struggle with this too haha. However, wouldn't it perhaps be funny if all the buildings in the kingdom are all phallic shaped or if in the dragon's lair flows a river with milk like water. You can have a little more fun wiith it I think. It's a fantasy land after all.

The last criticism I have is that there was only really one route to walk on and that there are not a lot of meaningful choices one can make. It might feel a bit too linear for many people who are not fond of the gauntlet style. I do have to admit, the death scenes were also quite amusing to read.

To conclude, it gave me a short chuckle at the end which makes the story good enough to me. The ending of which the plottwist I will keep a secret for now, was somehow the more satisfying than I had expected if one would choose the 'befriending' option. Dragons be dragons sometimes.

that was perfect I loved it
I wish I could write like that

I liked the style of this one, very traditional fantasy with a surprising amount of willy jokes, definitely a bit of a unique blending! It moved in a bit of a straight line but I suppose there is only so much fun you can have with the style, recommended for those who like their stories entertaining in a special way :)

Lol, a very worthwhile read, so many dick jokes.

This sure was something. An absolutely fantastic something! The writing in this one is some of the funniest I've seen in this website, and its charm never wears out or overstays. Amazing work!

It’s k
K?

Umm wow that escalated quickly. Someone of a less mature age might not be able to appreciate the clever wordplay of the innuendos scattered throughout this story. Fortunately I am not that someone and found the interactions between the bumbling knights to be quite amusing. Sir Robin Hurvirtue was my favorite among many of these.

I get however why the story isn’t where it needs to be which is due to the overall linearity of the story. My suggestion to you would be to include a branch that pokes fun at all the fantasy tropes kind of in a Monty python sort of way. You don’t have to do it exactly like Monty python you could make fun of the troll under the bridge, the magic mirror, the magic sword, there’s so much to do with it.

I found the world building to be rather limited though I felt like the narrator was teleporting me from one encounter to the next. For example, I passed the knights along the rode and not even a few minutes later we’re in the nymphs swamp. Also after you seduce the dragon I suppose would be the proper term you magically teleport us back to the castle. It was a jarring shift from dragon lair to castle celebration so fast.

I want to see progress that my characters are making. Do a traveling montage do something to make the pacing seem more natural and less erratic. That would be my second suggestion other than joking about classic fantasy tropes since this story likes its witty banter.

Those would be the core of my suggestions to you so do with them what you will. It was nonetheless an interesting read through.

That was certainly... an adventure.

I jumped into this story expecting your average dragon story where you either kill or befriend the dragon or something like that. I was surprised and delighted to find instead an amusing and elegantly written dick joke. I also enjoyed the name wordplay and the Aladdin reference.

7/10 the story was too linear to get any higher than a 7 on my scale. Would read again