Terrorist

May this comment be plastered there for eternity:

Okay here you go and stop whining. It isn't often that people read through your work and get very thorough

Fine, I finished reading through it. Maybe I'm not the target demographic, but I get why it isn't working. It's because it isn't that funny.

funny

I get what you were going for; edgy humor, Nazis, being politically incorrect and such. However, you make your humor feel so dated that I would legit think it is written in 2016 by an actual Alt right neonazi. If that was what you were going for, you got their "humor" exactly correct.

I felt that this story threads a weird uncanny valley of edgyness. It really flip flops between the subtext literally agreeing with the weird racist/other bad views of the main character and at times normally disavowing his stances. For example, killing your sister earns scorn from your neonazi buddies. However, at the same time you get scenes where black people are exactly acting like the racist stereotypes the protagonist thinks they are.

"Fuck da police! Black Powah!!!!" Was one of such lines and then black men raping you and stuff.

I was thinking while reading it: "wasn't it the point that the protagonist is delusional and thinks everyone is going to get them?"

And at the end of most endings you always relate it back to some thing that happened in the news (immigrants, BLM, the MeToo movement). Frankly that is one of the big reasons why it feels so dated.

More ABout the edginess

It is without a purpose. Sigh.... Okay, lemme explain it more clearly. For a story that ends their endings with all kinds of "messages", it surprisingly doesn't have a clear vision.

Like, edginess is like a spice. You sprinkle it in, but don't do it too much or otherwise it will become nasty.

And you, my guy, added so many unnecessary edgyness into your story that you muddle your vision. Your story should clearly be about a loser incel with a rich politician dad who thinks that being a terrorist is cool. So ehh, why the incest?

I get the rape parts a little bit, but why the incest? I felt it didn't add much to anything. frankly, the part what makes incest fun to write about, is the taboo associated with it and that it is often not very consensual or the participants are not very mentally sound. Well, you wrote their relationship kinda just like a regular relationship. If you changed the sister character into another rich friend, not much of the story and their relationship would really change that much. So, it felt as if it was only for shock value.

Sometimes I think you didn't go far enough. That is kinda the problem I have when I read such "edgy" stories. They never make it horrifying enough that the stuff lingers. When Ford was talking about action scenes, with making sure not to linger to much, I also have another piece of advice. LINGER ON STUFF YOU WANT TO EMPHASIZE. For example, when you killed and raped the maid, you only wrote it as one short paragraph. I think you could have made it so much more graphic and really amped up the maid's reaction. Then when your sister is horrified by it, her feelings feel even more justified.

Treat edginess the same as dark moments in stories.

To add to that, the reason why lots of dark stories have some cute nicer scenes, is to give readers a contrast and established normal. If the "normal" is the protagonist being raised in a sweet happy family in the countryside, then this family being horrifyingly murdered and raped would feel much more like a kick in the guts than when the protag is in an already shitty situation from the very beginning.

This is the same with edginess and why you often have a "straight man" in these stories. That is a character to balance out the silly nonsense in your over the top world. Even in the wacky stories of lovesick, tales of the basement and Suzy, you can find these types of characters. They set the normal in the stories and the other characters will often transgress that which makes their edginess even more apparent.

what I did like

the protagonist is a prick and has such a strong voice, that I can see him speaking in real life. Entitled, prickly prick, sexist, racist and all kinds of vices in one package. Wouldn't want to meet him in real life, but his voice makes reading through the duller section a lot more enjoyable.

THe duller sections

I also do it a lot when I am very much hastily writing everything down, but like many, you also just infodumped everything in the first page. The infodump about your father being rich and a politician and such is a lot more entertaining due to the strong voice, but you could've made the infodump a lot less egregious.

Frankly, I found it a missed opportunity to never see the protag interacting with his dad. Why not have him and his dad fight when doing a phone call in the beginning of the story? You can just sprinkle every detail you want in their dialogue. Plus, you don't have to spell out his motivations that much anymore like you did now, because we then see an example why the protag hates his dad so much.

Oh yeah, none of the characters are very memorable. None of them have as much personality as the protagonist. I know little to nothing about his sister, Greg, the maid, his dad and the neonazis. It makes his interactions with them a little less fun. There is not a lot to riff on each other. The closest is maybe his sister who commented on his over controlling nature. However, the closest insult the protag comes up for her is "bitch" :/. If she had a little more of a defined personality the insults would probably be more funny.

in short

your edgy writing frankly feels dull, lacks punch and yet, it also feels unnecessary at times. Please think before you add anything.

i love this story can u do more

I regret reading this in a public place. Though I'm not sure reading it in private would be much better. Edginess aside, I'd say the story would do well with actual people. Like if the characters reacted as people in the real world do (a little embellishment is ok for entertainment's sake)...well, the shock and taboo hits. It's actually shocking and taboo, whereas this is more of a dirty mess kinda reminding me that I forgot to clean my protein shaker bottle yesterday, so, thanks for that.

I'm not even sure how to rate this.

IMPRESSION #1: Ending: Do what you came for

I'm not sure what I expected tbh. But it probably shouldn't have been "like the previous game" except that its not only as edgy...but more so!

Unfortunately can't give a good enough critique from just one playthrough. I did like it though for whatever that's worth.

My logic behind choices is as follows:

Chose to go with Sister cause that sounds way more interesting than Nazis...not that I have an issue with Nazis in media or anything (or real life neo nazis for that matter...as they tend to not actually act on their supposed beliefs very much)

Chose to finish what you started almost soley because the sex scene was over the damn car and I figured people would come if you kept at it! That's just weird! Otherwise I would have picked that option...but just went with common sense in that case.

Not sure if I'll keep up this impressions thing going forward. But I figured its better than just saying "Nice" or the opposite extreme where I play through absolutely everything and then write a thesis statement on the whole thing.

Anyways was a fun enough time as expected. May read/critique more in the future! ;)

The whole thing is so stupid and ridiculous that I actually kind of enjoyed it. I tried a couple different endings, and they do vary quite a bit. Each choice makes a radical change to the route, you're able to learn more about the sister character in each playthrough despite all the sex and killing and whatnot, and I definitely did NOT know what to expect each time. Had a good laugh.

thanks