The Finisher

A great story! It was full of detail. It had near perfect grammar and spelling, and I really liked your way of execution and writing style.

For me, this could have been feature-worthy if you had lengthened it, and branched off more paths. This was great but could have been greater with more effort.

I kinda liked it. Though the story itself is kinda cliche, it is well-written. You give a decent amount of descriptions, which makes the story definitely more engrossing.

You have also given the reader a fair amount of choices to make, most of which lead to different endings. I find it a shame, however, that most story-lines end after a choice or two. <SPOILER> For example, when I choose to go to the ravine, I get two pages without choice and then I die. I would much rather have seen some more expansion of these storylines. <END OF SPOILER>

Furthermore, like I said before, the story itself is kinda overrepresented in stories, movies, etc. A hero has to defeat a horrible evil and has the possibility of rescuing a love interest along the way. I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes kinda predictable how the story will progress.

I have given your story a 4/8, mostly because your story is well-written, but is kinda short and feels underdeveloped in some parts.

Good luck writing!

I'll admit, I was sceptical of how good this would be at first, however it actually wasn't half bad. Your descriptive writing was pretty good and your perspective whilst writing stayed the same. From what I could tell, the characters were fairly fledged out, though we certainly didn't see enough of a game to really learn who each character is. The only thing that I'd criticize is the story length and sometimes randomness of the choices (although, this Darien might be a more trusting fellow than me, in which case ignore that). All in all, it wasn't so bad. Nice little short story.

I don't know what to say, but I think I could commend you at least for your effort. Making a story game always takes a lot of effort.
I just don't think that the story really grabbed me. Aside from the spelling errors (rode instead of road), it just didn't feel unique enough. I honestly felt that the whole "love interest turns out to be demon or possessed or something" was done to death, I wasn't even surprised at the twist.
Even the farmboy backstory of the protagonist felt just a little bland to me. Everything also felt a bit rushed. The story didn't have room to breath that much, because it was so short.
Alas, my final verdict goes like this; the story isn't garbage, but it was very unimaginative. As much as I like my generic fantasy, I would also like a bit more seasoning. Give it a bit more spice this time! Add something unique to the table, something only you can write!

I loved this! It’s so dark... I got the “Hero’s Ending” and wow it gave me chills! Everything about this was great.

I need more

There are Two Major Endings
Hero's End and Fool's End.
"Lie
You gaze hard at the ground, counting drops of rain as they make ripples in the puddles.

"He didn't make it. There were too many of those things... he died trying to give me an escape..."


You see the despair in her eyes as she begins to walk towards you.

"Hey, it's alright" you begin to say as she approaches.

She walks right past you, tears running down her face, and down to the valley you just left. Just like that, she was gone forever.
Liar's End"

Well I thought there were only 2 ends, so apparently, it is a lie.

Nice story got heros ending.

I think your story has lots of potential but I have three big things for you to consider as you make revisions: 1. I'm not getting much of a picture because your description of setting, characters, ect is very sparse. 2. Sometimes I'm confused as to what's going on because from the beginning of the story you jump right into a plot and go. This is a gaming strategy that can be used well if you add things like memories and flashbacks of the past that help the reader understand what happened in the past that caused you to be where you are now. 3. I went from killing a girl who'd been poisoned/gone crazy to taking an arrow out of my side and returning home in hopes that the village is now safe. Did I just miss like the entire battle part of the game or what?!? Probably a fluke with your links that'd be easy to fix so from the point I was at the reader can go into the battle with the creature. Just one more thing- RATING THIS GAME. I know that everyone has a different opinion about how to rate storygames but I might bump up the maturity rating to a 6/8 for language. If you don't want to do this, please please PLEASE do what I've seen other storygame authors do and write a DISCLAIMER on the first page of the game explaining that there is a lot of language in your game. Common courtesy that I would've liked to be notified of before starting your game.
Like I said a whole bunch of potential but lack of detail, clarity, and excessive language all caused me not to appreciate your storygame as much as I'd be able to if the changes above were made. Thanks
~E

Wow... It's almost like Eternal for people with poor attention spans!