The Adventure into Albanon: Chapter 1

I had a hard time getting past the intro. What does “Until recently, your father has passed away” mean? He had passed away, but not recently? It sounds like he passed away a long time ago, but recently he’s not passed away. Is he a zombie? Is he a reincarnated Buddhist? And then there’s “Afterwards,” but I’m not sure what that’s after. Is that after the Buddhist zombie came back to life and wrote a book?

This confusion continues well into the first page. I have been packing my father’s things. Why? Why am I not packing other people’s things? What about my own things? But wait, there’s a car coming to pick those things up. And then what? Am I staying here? That’s what it sounds like, that I’m packing up my father’s stuff so that it will be taken to my mother’s home while I stay here in the empty house. Actually, I can’t tell if I live with my father’s zombie corpse, my evil (step)mother, or if I’m just a homeless waif that’s helping pack up a house for some spare change.

Also, I don’t often get onto people to much about grammar, but please learn about possessives and contractions. You attempt to use them often in a number of places, but are missing the punctuation that goes with them. This makes it very difficult to read and the reader has to re-read parts to try and decipher what is intended vs. what is actually written.

The last paragraph on the first page is so jumbled I can’t tell what’s happening. Between the punctuation issues and subjects, it is very confusing. Who is “They?” The previous subject was some tall kid. How does a writer write, but not sell books? The sentence fragment at the end about reasons is confusing also because there is no reference for “them,” so the reader has no idea who that is, either.

This story appeared to have a lot of potential and nice ideas. However, I didn’t really get to see them because of the various writing errors that made the overall story just barely readable. Please feel free to post portions of your story or your writings in the different forms and seek feedback: there are a few different people here on the site that would be glad to help you learn how to write more effectively.

This definitely feels like the start of an interesting premise of sorts. I liked the overall mystery surrounding the story, as it makes you want to learn and understand more from the character's themselves and the situation that they're in, as well as why that would be the case. You do a pretty good job painting a picture and framing an interesting setting with your words, so good job on that front.

I did find there to be some slight hiccups with grammar as I read through this story-game. In cases like this I could really only recommend having someone that is a proofreader to look over your work to prevent such things from happening. I must also admit that I am usually a bit put off into stories that are put into parts, because while what you have currently is pretty interesting in my opinion, there's truly not enough here to really be considered a complete story when everything is said and done unfortunately.

This isn't to say that most story-games that are split into parts feels incomplete. There are some that does such a thing correctly, and I believe that is the case by adding enough depth and content for a such a story-game to stand well on it's even if it only the start of what it is to be more to come. And while the writing and atmosphere in this were things that I enjoyed, this did end rather abruptly leaving me with a feeling that there maybe could have been more in this to be enjoyed.

Still I do see promise in your writing, but I only wish that you expanded more on what you have to write. Because what you have so far isn't bad by any means.

Seems like a good start to the series, but it feels to me like the series is unnecessary and probably could be put into one big storygame. The problem with splitting a series into multiple games is that there's less room for branching and alternate endings.

That said, seems like you've got a good set up with solid characters with a proper backstory.

I think you have a really good start to your story. I'm looking forward to what comes next.

This was somewhat interesting, but I really don't like the idea of publishing single chapters as "stories." What happened after you went to sleep? What was the thing on the bed? Too many unanswered questions...

Very open-ended.

Too Short. This is a worthless story. People need to stop posting demos or chapter stories. Unless they are like the Homo Perfectus series, there is no sense to post these on as they make a poor impression on you as the author.

Sometimes it was present-tense, other times it was past-tense. Other than, good job.

No real plot line or choices

It's a good start but one major issue. Sometimes the story says You picked up the book, and sometimes She picked up the book. This needs to be consistant throughout the pages of the story to avoid becoming a distraction.

That issue aside the story is well written and engaging, although I whish it was longer rather than split into multiple parts.