Yet Another World-Ending Scenario

Initial Thoughts / First Page Review:

The first thing I noticed as I began reading the story is how strong Tenshi's character voice is. No one could call him "bland" or a blank-slate personality; he is distinctive, with a unique and sarcastic charm.

So it sounds like Tenshi is a movie actor who usually only plays comic relief in movies? We’ll see.


Tone and Style:

One thing I’ve noticed about Fresh's stories in general is that they have an almost “silly” vibe to them, which can be both a strength and a disadvantage. This light tone can make for a more fun read but can sometimes take away from the seriousness of the outcomes. Overall, this story doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously, which is evident from the “villain burning” path that I found on my first legitimate ending.

Fresh's distinct writing style is also very apparent, it definitely has her energy put into it (whatever that means).

The general tone of the story is chipper, silly, and comedic, but philosophically, the story is much more than meets the eye. In certain lines, the protagonist Tenshi implies that millions of people actually die to make these stories. As the reader, you can easily brush over this because of how nonchalantly it's stated-as if it's almost "normal." But this subtle detail gives a darker undertone to the apocalypse, which can make the reader think, "Oh man, this is messed up," while also laughing. Fresh doing this grounds the narrative and adds a sense of reality and impact to the events.

“How do you pronounce the route? R-OW-t or r-OO-t? I've heard it said both ways.” Very creative humour here, lol.


Characterization:

Tenshi is far from a bland character, and his distinctive personality is evident throughout. He often comes across as confident and silly, but we also see moments of vulnerability that make him more relatable and easier to empathise with.

For instance, there's this line that reveals his insecurity:

“I frown. I shouldn't have asked. That makes it a whole thing. I should've just let it happen naturally. Why hasn't she said anything? It's stupid anyway. What kind of nickname is 'Nat'? Sounds like I'm calling her a type of bug. I open my mouth to take back the question right as she responds.”

Additionally, Tenshi’s dynamic with Nat is entertaining, especially as he subtly fawns over her while being simultaneously attracted to her and fearful that she might be nuts. Nat's personality - switching quickly from nonchalant and chirpy to killing and back to chirpy again - characterises her well and adds tension to her exchanges with Tenshi. His subsequent thoughts and second-guessing create a subtle tension, especially right at the cliffhanger where episode one ends. This was definitely the best ending so far!

Another standout scene is “the trauma dumping” before Tenshi goes into the bathroom. It shows he’s much more vulnerable than you'd initially believe.

“But, because I am an idiot, all that respect and fear I have doesn't stop this next sentence from coming out of my mouth: 'You look so hot right now.'”

Lol.

Tenshi’s attempt to perfect his pen-twirling skills is a charming bit of characterization that shows him as a bit erratic, nonchalant, and laid-back. He's a great protagonist due to the uniqueness of his character voice.


Setting, Worldbuilding, and Description:

There’s a bit of a lack of descriptiveness of space and scenery. We never really get to know what Tenshi, the professor, or the classroom looks like. The cast is rather limited too; we don't seem to have any “friends” or family mentioned, which would ground the story and make it feel that bit more real.

At times, I feel like there isn't enough worldbuilding. We know what Historia is, but we don't know how people live in Historia. Do we have friends? Family? Too much in this regard is left to our imagination, which can make the world feel a bit "flat."

I think a lot of the issues with worldbuilding could have been resolved if the protagonist, Tenshi, was aware he was in a CYS storygame so he could break the fourth wall. By adding context directly through him rather than a separate link, the worldbuilding could have been woven into the story, which would also fit his persona as a borderline gag character perfectly.

I also wish we could know if we change appearances for our roles or if we always look like Tenshi in all our stories. This would add an interesting layer to the immersive nature of the character and the world.

That said, I was a fan of the extra attention to detail in the bathroom scene:

“The floor is mostly light brown, with darker spots of... uh, mud (I hope) splotched throughout. There's a toilet in the back left corner and one of those black toilet paper dispensers every business seems to have attached to the wall. It's pretty much empty, which tracks. The walls are a yellowing off-white color and the paint is peeling up in numerous places. There's a soap dispenser on the wall next to a rusty sink, but as there's a regular bottle of soap on the sink I'm assuming the dispenser is empty as well.”

I do think this level of detail was lacking in previous pages, especially when it comes to setting the stage and describing the world of Historia. I hope to see more of this in future scenes - as long as it’s within reason!

Story Structure and Plot Points:

One small critique is that it feels like Tenshi has just been thrown into this zombie world without actually even knowing the full plot himself, despite being given the script. A good example of this is:

“But maybe they do in this world. Everything is different now, it's all changing, I'm not even supposed to be here. Maybe they're crying because they got bit and by the time I get there they'll be a zombie. I don't know how fast-acting this transformation is. I don't know anything, nothing at all, just that I'm not ready for this. I shouldn't be here.”

If Tenshi is meant to be an actor, he should know what type of zombies are in the world.

“Cool. So, do we stick around, or move, or...?”

SO. MANY. COMMAS. If you know, you know.

There’s a lot of layered content in this story. The numerous routes and options can significantly change our dynamics with the characters. Each character has a unique voice and vibe, from Nat to Tenshi. However, I found the head honcho a bit less distinct in this regard; she felt a bit more boring or “less standout,” probably due to a lack of descriptiveness.

The “hero path” felt more lackluster compared to the “villain” path, with practically no difference, which made it feel like a filler choice. There's a chance here for some major branching options to dramatically change how we react to the apocalyptic scenario.


Branching and Replay Value:

Branching for this story was pretty solid overall, except for the lackluster hero path. The story is ripe with different decisions, leading to varied outcomes and interactions with different cast members, so there are really no complaints here.

Love the ending where Natasha is pissed at us for being a simp, lol.


Cultural References and Page Titles:

I loved the cultural references and the charming and funny titles for each page. I can tell you had fun with this, and it’s these personal touches that add a lot of character to the story. They’re entertaining and enhance the reading experience. Although some might complain that it takes away from the seriousness of the story.

Grammar and SPaG:

saw no issues with grammar or SPaG as far as I’m aware. The writing was clean and readable, which kept the story’s humour and character voice flowing naturally.


Final Thoughts:

The main points of improvement would be worldbuilding and just wishing the story was longer, though I understand it’s a contest entry. I wish the story continued after episode one finishes, either with the dumb jock or with Nat. This story has so much potential for sequels. You could create a super rich zombie apocalypse story here, and like others have said, it felt like a really broad and grand story that couldn't fully fit into a story contest game without being cut short. So it does feel a bit shorter than ideal. Due to the length, the hero path, and the direct rebellion and world building issues, I'm going to have to give the story a 6/8. Definitely better than your other story though, and worth every cent.

This was actually a lot more fun to play than I was expecting! I thought the whole idea of different characters stepping into different role was a really interesting one, and Teshi was a pretty interesting playable character to follow.

I will say that there were some choices that didn't really feel like true choices, since as soon as I made them, there was a response of, 'That's a bad choice!', and I had to make a different choice. That seemed to pretty much take away the illusion of choice.

I found it interesting to see two different versions of Natasha; the sweet character role she was apparently playing (I guess in the other main storyline?), and the more violent, survive-at-any-cost personality that I assume was closer to her own usual personality.

One of the things I would have liked to see would be Teshi meeting others from his classes. Given that his whole world is made up of characters who take on different roles, I would have thought that he'd run into more people that he actually knew.

I would have liked to experience a bit more of the world and characters outside of the stories they take part in. It seemed like Teshi was the only one who was unhappy with the way things were going, but I'm sure he wasn't the only one. I definitely would have liked to see a storyline explored with the potential for rebellion, for instance.

All in all, I found the idea behind this storygame very unique and engaging. I would have liked to see more of the world expanded upon, but this was honestly a great way to spend some time! Thank you for writing and sharing it!

What you would think if you didn't read the backstory page: A comedian taking dramatic method acting to an extreme. And zombies. And a hot girl. The makings of a hit show, perhaps?

But if you read that part, you would know this is really about a strange world where the characters in our stories actually exist, but in a way that clearly breaks their fourth wall. Normally in zombie media, the zombies are more like a force of nature and are not really the focus of the story. This one takes it even further. This story is about the weirdness of being a made-up character and part of you somehow knowing that.

Still, if you're going to tell a story, no matter the genre, always put zombies in it. It worked for Game of Thrones after all.



This is the kind of idea that could lead to a lot of sequels, some with the same protagonist, or some with completely different ones. But, as I said above, the zombies aren't really the point of this. The point is the world itself, the weird rules, etc. My major gripe here is that there was a massive opportunity to explore that aspect of this idea to the extreme. Maybe we could get something like the Adjustment Bureau; an opportunity for some real craziness.

But this storygame is a lot more whimsical than that, so it wouldn't make too much sense to go in that direction. Still, I'd be interested to see more of the universe itself, how it works, who these "directors" are and how they get their power. What kind of information transference is possible between Earth and Historia.

Maybe we'll find out in a sequel.

Very meta

This is an interesting idea for meta-commentary on story characters.

I came to enjoy the character’s voice, who maintained distinction in the face of a decently-sized cast. Conveying information in this a way initially turned me off, but I came to appreciate Teshi’s goofy nature. It’s sometimes laid on a bit thick, but that actually gave some dimension when he expresses his insecurities. He’s a character with a lot of dimension.

I made the initial mistake of not asking about the first setting before continuing to play, but the narrative was effective in telling

There’s a clear love for movies here and I love the references both in the pages and in their titles.

We got a decent antagonist with the screenwriter. I hope that the next part of the story introduces more villain-type characters to break up the slew of zombie threats. The story also sets up a decent foundation for some character drama for the next episode. I’m definitely interested in seeing Episode 2, whenever it’s finished. Don’t keep us waiting too long!

I enjoyed this story. The premise is certainly creative. The writing is funny and well written. There's a lot of references to movies, musicals, tv shows, etc. but they work well considering the subject manner. Staging a protest and stealing power was fun, but my favorite part of the storygame was definitely the zombie apocalypse. The characters Teshi meets are all interesting (especially Nat) but it was a bit disappointing that we only got to play through the first episode of the show. I'd 100% read a sequel where you play through the whole show and hopefully ensure Teshi's long term survival.

Well written and an interesting twist on the isekai-kind of idea. I feel that this idea might be better served with more exposition on who exactly assigns the roles of protag or comedy relief. It is also a little disappointing that rebellion is so unrewarded, given that it seems the most logical play for the character as presented to that point.

I think overall this a good storygame with some promise for some interesting twists and turns.