Avarga
A
grimdark fantasy
storygame by
enterpride
Player Rating
4.25/8
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
Based on
21 ratings
since 03/31/2024
Played 181 times (finished 19)
Story Difficulty
5/8
"Run through the jungle"
Play Length
3/8
"A nice jog down the driveway"
Maturity Level
7/8
"Anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.
Tags
Socially Important
Entry for EndMaster's Prompt Contest 3. In this epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption, Your journey will take you to the very edge of existence and beyond. Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?
Player Comments
So my impressions with this story is that while it shows some promise, it is rather short and unpolished. Had you spent more time working on it during the contest, it definitely would have been a more stronger competitor.
So this story does do a good job of world building, and the first path does a good job of describing the animosity between the protagonist and their half brother. I admit, the moment where the mother made him sleep outside was harsh, but did a good job of teaching the reader about the harsh environment they are growing up in. I honestly hoped for more building on this, perhaps a duel to the death later on, but instead it just ends suddenly with what I can assume is the protagonist's death. A well-done buildup, only to fall short, it left me dissatisfied and disappointed, to be honest.
The second route, the link to 'mother pointedly remains silent' loops around to the same page. It should be added on or removed, as it's currently redundant.
The story your mother tells you of Erdu and the Titans is very well written, and I found myself enraptured by the way the story captured my imagination. I could literally see, in my mind's eye, a thousand plants, animals, and birds, flowing from the corpse of a Titan. Very well done.
In the page where you click on a link and it leads to THE TITANS ARE WAKING like a hundred times... I think you could have used that time to write more, and add corrections to the problems that I and others have pointed out.
However, going to confront the seers and uniting the tribes was a much more satisfying ending. It would be nice to see a sequel describing the war between the Giants and the Titans. This path had good plot and storytelling.
The font here was a lot better than I've seen in some other stories, and I saw no grammatical or spelling errors. In the end, a decent story, only lacking time.
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benholman44
on 7/17/2024 4:21:01 PM with a score of 0
Review 6 - Avarga
I feel that this is again a story that Enter wrote on a rush. It's still pretty good for what it is, but it wasn't one of his best. One of thekey signs of a story that has clearly been written hours before the deadline is broken links and it did have those in Butlagch's route. (Mother pointedly remains silent) and the Titan are waking links.
The funny thing is, is that perhaps due to the impending deadline, the prose was a lot simpler and therefore easier to read. I think that from all the stories I read so far from Enter, that this one was the easiest to follow. Compliments!
One thing I also noticed was the relentless copying of words and swats of descriptions between the two routes. The story is very efficient in its words, doesn't waste any of it haha.
The story is split between two routes: the giants vs the titans. What I like the most are the tidbits of interconnectedness between the two routes. For example, the Giant commenting that he wants to fight a titan etc. It makes the world slightly bigger and more lived in. I also find it cute that you added dates and stuff, even in the author's notes and written these notes like they are history books. The tone and language also were different and more formal in these two short blocks of text. They were a pretty good shorthand to expand on the worldbuilding.
(TBH, I don't particularly like author's notes in the middle of a story too much, but since this story is crazy short and written in a very tight deadline, I think it is acceptable to use it.)
In the future, I would have liked to see this information being incorporated in a possible third route. (perhaps the far future or a more technological advanced society writing about titans and giants etc.)
I felt that the giant route had better pacing, but the ending was clearly cut short (The text even outright stated it). The titan's pacing is a bit wonky, but I think the ending wrapped up the loose threads a bit better. I don't have any preference for either route, though I have a feeling that the Giant's route was written first.
Overall, the story is not an example of a good story, but an example of how a story written within a few hours/during one night can still be a rather enjoyable read. Just by looking at the prose alone, I know that given some more time, the author can weave a story better than this one.
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Darius_Conwright
on 7/16/2024 8:09:55 PM with a score of 0
Avarga made for an enjoyable read what with the interesting premise chosen, but it felt more like a "preview" or trailer to an upcoming storygame rather than a finished short piece. Had it been a polished full game, I'd easily have given it a 7/8 due to the brilliance the writer showed in taking a straightforward prompt about giants, and morphing it into what is shown by incorporating Mongolian history and culture (along with Tengrism).
Reading through the first few passages, it gave off the impression of the basic fantasy lore with a little spin to it was going to be used for the remainder of the story, but color me surprised when I read "Borjigin" in a sentence! That's when I stsrte to piece together the puzzle pieces.
The main character's life is essentially an emulation of the "historical mongol giant" Ghengis Khan, or Temujin Borjigin, the son of Yesuge Borjigin. His relationship with his half-brother and desire to kill him is also derived from Temujin killing one of his half-brothers. I could go on and on about the fascination and expectations I have of this storygame, but I'll close the historical nerdy rambling here.
On to more pressing matters: The branching, grammar and links (choices)
1. Branching
So apparently there are two main brsnches the player could go which is essentially decided from the vbery first choice. Teo different branches, with essentially two different protagonists (names, personality, relationship with the half-brother, story, lifespan).
Now here is where things get interesting, but before that I'll point out that the routes are extremely linear, with only one or two death endings. Now as for the interesting part, the first route ends rsther abruptly after being found abandoned in the middle of nowhere,while the second route, which feels more like the true and winning branch, has a timeskip and ends at the point where the Chosen One has united the divided clans. I wonder if the writer intends on expanding the first route as a revenge route, with MC against his father or half-brother.
2. Grammar
Well, not much to say about the grammar, as there wasn't anything noticeable.
3. Links for choices
Okay, now here I'll have to report a bug on the link for the choice on the "Chosen Route" where MC asks his mother on why she isn't fighting for his father's attention. It doesn't redirect you to the next page, it just loops back to the same page.
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— S on 4/3/2024 8:55:07 PM with a score of 0
Every time I read a rushed story by Enter, I wish he would publish a full-length story. Pacing-wise, Avarga is like the slow climb of a rollercoaster into the quick descent down, only it's not just the slow climb up we experience; it's the waiting in line, listening to the safety instructions (all limbs within the car, please), THEN the climb. With such a small amount of story, too much is put into the birth and lore beginning before time jumps and the story reaches the end. Probably the result of finishing for a contest deadline. With any story, we have to ask ourselves what is truly necessary and adds to the overall experience. I'm not sure the detailed birthing experience and lore adds to it, not with the events of the latter half once you're fully grown. I'm sure Enter knows all this would have published a different storygame without a contest deadline. However, a published story is a published story and will be judged as such. My verdict: for a repeat offender, 2 years parole and 6 months community service (a 5 in CYS language).
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ninjapitka
on 5/19/2024 11:19:26 AM with a score of 0
An interesting idea here that was quite well-written. I think the atmosphere for the story was well-set and though a little linear it had some interesting ideas. I think this story idea could have been developed further, it's quite an interesting premise. :)
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Will11
on 5/16/2024 8:21:29 PM with a score of 0
There’s not much to say here, other than it was a pretty good read. It’s short, but what’s there is well written, and I enjoyed Enter’s prose and the way he went about forming the story. I’m not sure why it’s been rated so low, other than its length and how it seemed to be the prologue of a bigger story.
My favorite part was how your first choice impacted what name you were given and then how you were treated by your family. I do wish I understood a little more of the inspiration Enter had for the Giant’s culture, I think I would’ve appreciated the story more.
I do enjoy the way Enter writes and would be interested in seeing this as a longer story.
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Suranna
on 5/8/2024 10:07:56 PM with a score of 0
Much of what I wanted to say has already been echoed by others, but I'll say my piece.
Definitely well written with well defined atmospheres and moods. At the same time, it's essentially unfinished with clear signs of last-week contest rush. I caught a dead(looping) link close to the beginning.
Nevertheless, what is there is quite entertaining and worth reading. Nice work!
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PerforatedPenguin
on 4/8/2024 8:39:55 PM with a score of 0
I’m captivated by this Giant culture. I wish this story was longer so I could learn more about them. The journal entries are great. The story ends in a cool place. I’d love to see more of this world!
Not all the branching paths are made equal. The path where you bite is a bit less developed than the alternate route. There also a link that just loops in on itself (“Mother pointedly remains silent” link).
Awesome world-building! I’m eager to see more.
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MiltonManThing
on 4/2/2024 3:54:04 PM with a score of 0
Wasn't terrible but a little too linear.
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benholman44
on 3/31/2024 10:28:11 PM with a score of 0
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