Blackbirds Close In
, #84 for
Played 9 times (finished 1)
"No possible way to lose"
"Make sure not to blink"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably be between PG-13 and R.
"With blackbirds following me, I'm digging out my grave. They close in, swallowing me, the pain, it comes in waves. I'm getting back, what I gave." If you like, then please leave a
Heavy stuff. Then again, what else would I expect from an LP fan? Despite everything, this was fairly decently written and certainly reflects your edgy, oppressed soul. Onto my favourite part: criticism.
This severely lacks depth and I don't know who the main character is or what the story is behind the girl. Sure, maybe you wanted an air of mystery, but this is really more like a hastily written segment of something bigger than a story in itself.
The options given were oddly presented, though I didn't particularly mind that. A big problem with how you laid them out, though, is that they obviously give direct insight into consequences of the player's choices... because you just tell them what's going to happen. Maybe you wanted that; it's not like the story was anywhere near long enough to really invest the reader or make them consider their actions carefully to discern the outcome seeing as the MC basically has no boundaries. Still, it gives a kind of uncaring feeling about the MC, which is probably what you were going for, even though it does compromise tense and perspective integrity.
The length is an obvious fault. I'll put this into perspective for you; my Notepad has 2387 words, and that's the main of of five total collections of notes for the one story I'm working on. Your story is about a third of that, making it one of the smallest I've ever seen. I didn't really see the point in writing such a short story that's basically about one event in a sick freak's life, unless you were going for a nihilistic message. Even then, a few more thousand words, more options, and some more effort could make a much better 'Oh-God-Isn't-The-World-Miserable-We're-All-Going-To-Die' kind of story.
To emphasise how little effort you put in, I even found mistakes in a story that would take about 10 minutes to proof-read. A few samples:
- "Bullets pierce through the rustling wind, each missing it target."
- "All you want is money, and pain in other's eye."
Some of the endings lacked significantly in detail or depth. For example:
- "Little do you know what fate has in store for you..." Yeah. You're dead on there, because the story ends and I don't get to find out. I feel like this was meant to be expanded upon.
Overall, a well deserved 2/8; you wanted constructive criticism.
on 6/30/2017 7:42:29 AM with a score of 0
I enjoyed myself. I'm actually surprised I did.
The writing was quite bloody and gruesome, but it didn't go way goo far over the line. You fleshed out the writing quite well with the detail and situations you provided.
I was a bit confused, because I got to make decisions for more then one character and decide situations rather then make choices in the storygame. However, I don't think this would really qualify as a problem :)
Character development was actually pretty average, but that's actually pretty good compared to the hundreds of storygames on the site with little to no development for the plot, characters, or situations.
I didn't really understand the whole "blackbirds" thing, though.
This was also quite short, and I wish i'd gotten to play more because I enjoyed it.
on 5/13/2017 2:42:48 AM with a score of 0
A bit early for End's Edgelord Contest...a few years too early.
on 1/15/2021 2:25:30 PM with a score of 0
That wasn't great. There are good stories that start with a murder and without names. This isn't one of them.
on 1/15/2021 2:22:42 PM with a score of 0
Hilariously bad. Negative was quite the edgy faggot back in the day, no wonder he got banned half a dozen times.
on 1/15/2021 2:12:47 PM with a score of 0
Narration has problems, e.g. the inclusion of a blackbird as symbolism even though it has no connections made to the story. There are a few spelling or grammar errors, not that they're important. There are mentions of wanting only money and "the bridges you burned", but with only 791 words to the story, there's so little elaboration that it becomes pointless. There's frankly a lot of other things to read that beat this story.
on 1/15/2021 2:12:38 PM with a score of 0
after reading the description, I had to listen to blackbirds by linkin park.anyway, this game was great, however, my only criticism, is, in the first part, there was only one choice, there should have been at least two choices, given the fact, that, the others had two choices. other than that, the game was pretty good.
— james on 12/26/2020 4:33:01 AM with a score of 0
Impressively disturbing. Well done. ^_^
on 7/13/2020 12:01:11 PM with a score of 0
The most demented story game I've ever seen... I love it!!!
on 3/14/2020 12:25:13 PM with a score of 0
uH.... You have achieved the White ending.
sO THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY BLACK? BIRD?
on 11/22/2017 8:42:30 PM with a score of 0
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