Bob and the Omelette
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played times (finished )
"march in the swamp"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.
Your name is Bob, you wake up one day craving an omelette and simply MUST make it. Good luck.
As this is your first story, I just wanted to congratulate you on publishing it. When publishing your first story, you always feel hectic and nervous as you don't know what feedback you'll get, and whether it'll be negative or positive, or just troll/hate comments in general. Anyways, back to the story.
When I began my journey as Bob, I liked how you made a character "chart" essentially containing facts about the protagonist such as his weight, age and interests, which was a clever concept to use. When reading the first page however, there was a misspelled word and as Ogre11 had already touched on, a shift in person.
Moving on- when I continued onwards, I noticed that there wasn't that much writing on each page- in general the page length was incredibly short. To fix that issue, you could elaborate on Bob's life, and describe his apartment even further. Your game somewhat seemed like it was an half-assed attempt to honestly just get something out there, but the thing is, the more time you spend on the game, the more positive reviews you'll most likely get.
Personally, the idea of constructing an omelet as the plot wouldn't be my first choice, but I did see that you tried to make the readers laugh, which I appreciate. I highly advise that you should read a couple of other renowned story-games which are known for their comedic tone. That might inspire you to transform this story into something better.
In general, I would just ask you to elaborate more, some extra description wouldn't necessarily hurt, and honestly, just try to not bore the audience to death. This story was pointless for me, but if you had added some more comedic jokes or set the mood, your game could have been better from what it is now.
I hope that my review proved to be useful for you, and if you wish me to elaborate on anything more, don't be afraid to private-message me! I'm more than willing to provide constructive criticism if it benefits you in the end and helps you become a better writer!
on 6/13/2019 5:06:49 PM with a score of 0
I can see the intent to make a funny story. However, it's a bit overdone. Practically every option leads to you dying eventually of some ridiculous cause or another,not to mention that there are lots of grammar errors and that the writing isn't the best. It's okay for burning a few minutes, though. 4/8
on 6/12/2019 5:20:47 PM with a score of 0
Very funny story!
on 6/10/2019 10:21:54 AM with a score of 0
The setup here, Bob needing an omelet, is a relatively common one in CYOAs, if you can believe it. Well, not necessarily Bob, but the idea of taking something that should be a very simple task and making it into a challenge and a game. While it can be easy to set up such a game, it is difficult to create one that is new, interesting, and different.
This story starts out with the facts about Bob. While these would be better with descriptions instead of an info dump (show, don’t tell), there’s still a couple issues. There is a misspelled word and there is a shift in person: in the profession section, “He” is implied, but one line later, “you” is implied. At the point it is hard for the reader to determine if the story is about Bob or if YOU are supposed to be Bob. With further reading, it appears that the author is forcing the reader to BE Bob. While I can understand that point of view and frame of reference, that is really the most difficult way to setup a story here: and the majority of readers will usually prefer they escape from reality and read about someone else.
The page length here is quite short. In each of the pages, you could really add more description and detail about what’s going on and what Bob can see. I certainly do appreciate that there are options on more than one page. It seemed like each page continued to get shorter as the story continued, not really making much of a story. And as Gower mentioned, I can see the intent to make a funny story here, but it really didn’t feel that funny to me. In fact, in one path, I just went through and made an omelet, and that was all that happened. At the same time there were other paths where I only had one option, then a series of pages without any choices at all. If you’re going to write a CYOA story, choices really are a feature you should include as often as possible.
I appreciate your attempt here. I would suggest that you spend some time reading many of the other stories on the site to see different ideas and ways to create and craft stories. There are a few of these random task stories on the site that have been done well, and they might give you some good ideas for your next story. Thank you for sharing this one with the site.
on 6/7/2019 7:33:38 PM with a score of 0
Free point of the morning!
So yeah, the writer can spell and construct a proper sentence, but beyond that I could find no particular purpose to this story. It wasn't absurd enough to achieve the type of humor it aspires to, and there was no underpinning theme to any of the endings, most of which were just random deaths.
So... this is just pointless.
on 6/6/2019 6:53:22 AM with a score of 0
This was funny, but in the sense of "what smells funny in here" rather than in the sense of "comic."
on 6/6/2019 5:37:48 AM with a score of 0
This was funny, but in all honesty not good. A page with only one link, which is ‘die’? Death by not running a red light? Plus it was too short.
Still, not the worst.
on 6/6/2019 1:57:56 AM with a score of 0
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