Erun

On one level this seems to have been an attempt at doing something reasonably ambitious, but on the other there was zero effort put into making it actually readable which leaves it as a waste of time for both the author and the player.

The description was the first red flag; I can't figure out at all why 90% of it is there or was thought to be a good idea. From there the story itself continued the trend of physically assaulting me with text walls and bad punctuation and grammar and just generally being an unreadable mess.

Then I was randomly bitten by a spider and died. That page was a single line of text.

Checking the author's profile, I was surprised to see they'd been here for months, but not surprised at all to see that they hadn't seemed to have clicked on a single other game during their time here. This is another one of those cases where three minutes of having a glance at what other people's stories looked like might have made them notice a few things about their own...assuming they'd bothered to take a second look at what they'd written before publishing anyway, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

I was honestly bored and pretty disappointed by this.

For one, the grammar, especially capitalization, was very mediocre. It seems if you had tried harder this aspect could have been better, but you just didn't. There were also no paragraphs, which as a whole made the writing very hard to follow.

The plot was also rather confusing. There were too many fantasy races and little details to remember and it all turned out very overwhelming. Anyway, I couldn't make sense of anything without spending a solid 5 minutes on one page.

Keep trying, though. I appreciate that you put in the effort to make a story (unlike lazy old me) but maybe add, like, twice the amount of that effort.

I have no idea if the story has any competency or if it even has a plot. If you can't bother to use paragraphs and create a manuscript that can actually be read, then I can't bother to read your story.

I strongly recommend that you take this thing down, print it out, douse it in gasoline, and then light a match. This story is only fit for the blind in it's current state. Formatting is simple, but it's still important.

Thoroughly linear. Good writing was non-existent in this story.

Try again.

After reading this, I think I took 15 points of damage to my interlect

Okay, this was an...interesting read. I'll get right to it.
The first strikingly annoying thing about this story is the grammar and pacing. Grouping all of your text in one block is awful. It makes it so hard to read and retain the information given. I found myself getting lost a lot, and one page was just a gargantuan lump of text that I got halfway through before getting confused. Paragraphs, please.
The grammar was really bad. I recommend a spell-checker or grammar help next time. You got there, their, and they're mixed up a lot, you just used 'there' every time. It really hurt. You also need to learn how to use a and an correctly. The spelling was also pretty bad. One of the variables was misspelled. Really? It's blatantly obvious that you didn't proofread before publishing.
"A gentleman gestures for you to sit, almost immediately you are joined by 15/17 other Acash males, with the females and children watching from a distance."// The issue here is that this is a run-on sentence. I would put an 'and' before almost. 15/17 indicates fifteen out of seventeen, not fifteen to seventeen as I assumed. Use your words.
"A man to your left speaks to you " how you do?" you reply politely and he asks "why you travel" the rest of the Acash listen carefully as Mr Pike explains your mission."// Generally speaking, when using quotes, you put a comma before the quotation marks to indicate a pause. When the quotation is done, put punctuation (like a period) INSIDE THE QUOTATIONS and then start a brand new sentence. I also noticed multiple run-on sentences, you need to work on that.


As for the story, it was okay. As I said, it was hard to read anything, but from what I could gather, there were a lot of random parentheses. Rather than explaining all the creatures and things you learned as you're going, put some exposition in an earlier page. When I first met a certain race, you just dumped a bunch of info on me. This makes the writing feel choppy and rushed. Set the scene, take your time, and make sure the reader fully understands what's going on. I kind of liked the setup in the description, but quickly lost that feeling when I started to read.
The variables were also a bit confusing. Props to you for not just randomly boosting or dropping them a ton, but...it was kind of overkill. I understand why you put a little disclaimer at the top of every page when my stats changed. I kind of wish they had more impact on the story. Maybe I missed something, but is there ever an option you can't pick when you don't have a certain amount of intelligence, or bravery? That would add layers of complexity to your story, and it's really easy.
In short, this wasn't your best work. I can tell something was there, but it was trampled under poor grammar and confusing story-telling. I recommend you spell-check next time, proofread, and try to make your story more gradual, rather than just suddenly telling me everything there is to know about a certain character.