who are you, really?
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 258 times (finished 23)
"walk in the park"
"Not going to lose any sleep"
"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.
make some choices, live your life, see who you'll become. maybe this'll be your year!
This is fine.
I explored most of the Izzie plots, I think. It's pretty funny how you can be absolutely psychotic (within the grounds of like, not murdering Matthew). There was nothing really wrong with them, but none of the side characters are developed enough to really be their own people. Izzie is just a love interest, Matthew is just an enemy. They're more archetypal then they are unique.
Sometimes, you have to strike a fine balance between a stylish form of narration and one that clearly communicates shit to the reader without any additional fanciness. In my opinion, you leaned too heavily towards style, and the constant wisecracking and smugness from the narrator took me out of the narrative more than it drew me in. You take really roundabout ways to communicate simple information. Are my parents rich? Well, no, but also yes, but also no, but also yes? It gets tedious after a while. I understand the desire to be clever, but what this story needs is for some of the fat to be trimmed off the meat.
Instead of telling me whether I'm a bad or good person at the end, you could just make it clear from the ending I get. That would be more effective than just telling me whether I'm an asshole or a good guy at the end, and it might cause the story to stick in my mind longer than it would otherwise.
I think you're a pretty decent writer, and I'm only giving your game this much shit because I think you could do something genuinely impressive if you take some of the feedback you're getting to heart.
on 6/25/2020 1:34:14 AM with a score of 0
Okay. So you've got some flavor. I like flavor. Your words sound like somebody is really talking to you, giving you the play-by-play of the straight-to-tha-point (insert other silly phrases here). I feel like it might be advisable to cut back a tad on the comas, as my brain machine broke big-time mid-sentence. But I still like the punch sooooo take that with a grain of salt.
"Everything does continue. It does, and it does, and eventually you decide that you could probably hold a gun again without shaking, and down the road from that you've performed another Intimidating Silhouette role, and things keep going."
Feels like an evening at dear ol' Grampy's when he get's all dark in the eyes. Swishin' his wine and stuff.
All I gotta say is that when the ending hit, I was both intruiged and compelled to roll my eyes. I was waiting for everything to build up to something, and did but also didn't, swishes wine. You see, the flavor was there but the characters weren't particularly existant. MY character was not particularly existant. By the time shit was hitting the fan, I was already well and comfy in my seat as the blank slate self insert. I understand what you were getting at! WE ARE THE MONSTERS.... But when doing a character study it's pretty important to have a character first. When we got into the author monologue section, I felt like i'd been warped to a completely different game. It came off a bit pedantic. Flesh out the body before you get to the head.
I'm sorry if that comes off snotty! Really, I enjoyed your style. I really hope you write some more. Please do~
on 6/15/2020 10:31:12 PM with a score of 0
no fucking capital letters in the title
what is wrong with you
on 6/26/2020 5:34:23 PM with a score of 0
Some seeds of an interesting idea, but ruined by a nonsensical plot (once I got "take/don't take internship" as options during a conversation with parents that never mentioned such a thing) and heavy handed in-your-face scolding. Apparently, in this game calling your parents for help when you make a mistake is monstrous, and being assertive about the hard work you have put, vs. using blackmail or deceit, in is bullying others. And the player is also blamed for both being born rich and having squandered money in a casino - both things in the backstory the player had no control over.
This also needs a lot of proofreading. The casual style is interesting, but gets painful to read when errors make it hard to understand what specific lecture is even being given. And I'm still not sure who exactly Linda is supposed to be.
on 6/18/2020 12:25:12 PM with a score of 0
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