It's that special time of year again, and the OFFICIAL LINEUPS for the CYSWWE Royal Rumble have been released! Many wrestlers will enter the ring in random order, but only one can win! The Royal Rumble champions will be headlining at the TITLE BOUT at CHOOSEYOURMANIA! Canary and Mizal, our champions since 2022, will be defending their belts against whoever wins. It's time to get hype! Place your bets! Who will you be rooting for at the CYS Rumble!?
Men's Championship Contenders (In randomized order):
Steve Cold Stone Anus Cold Steve Autist: A legally distinct legend from the most successful Independent underground fight circuit in all of Boston! Known for such charming and contagious catchphrases as "Huh?" and "FUCK!" and "Heavens no!". Look, we're only a small island nation, somebody's gotta boost the worldwide tv ratings if we're gonna keep renting out sports stadiums.
Enterpride: The largest and most powerful of the Cystian Dutchmen, (though the bar is very, VERY low) Enterpride proved himself to be a surprisingly powerful competitor in the ring! Though it took him quite a while to recover from the grievous low blow injury leveled against him by Ace the last time they battled, Enter is finally back this year, and more ready than ever to take on the entire CYSWWE roster!
Spart "Coins" Acus: Once a renowned warrior from the ancient days of Cystia. While he was a powerful gladiator in his own right, Coins left the arena many years ago to wage unending Jihad against the capitalist ethnostate of Israel. The duty of a Communislamic revolutionary is never done, but for the sake of claiming the powers of the mighty belt for his cause, Coins has come back from retirement to don his old armor and fight for the CYSWWE championship!
Professor Gower: An English professor of great esteem, Gower has rigorously studied the epics of old, and knows the secrets that Civilized Man has forgotten. Perhaps it is for this reason that he figured out how to make his wrestling gear out of MITHRIL! This is perfectly ring-legal, however, because Cystians as a rule are generally a violent and primitive people who had no idea at the inception of this federation that wrestling was supposed to be fake, and they have been earnestly trying to beat the hell out of each other from the start. Gower truly is the wisest of us all to have decided to wear a helmet of his own volition. In interviews the professor has announced that he fully intends to
Sir Corgi Cordison: A knight adventurer of Cynocephalic descent, many have heard of the little yellow dog's exploits by lance and swordcraft. However, few know that before corgi solved disputes on horseback, he had actually trained in grappling for many years, chasing giants and biting their ankles. No amount of force could pry him loose, no amount of shaking, dragging, twisting at awkward angles-- For Corgi was an expert in a thousand holds, and if he had your ankle, You would either have to submit to his demands... Or lose your foot. At least, I assume that's why he has a bunch of disembodied feet bronzed and displayed in his trophy hall.
The Tenderizer: The isolated and sand-encrusted fields of Yonder Idaho, those were the parts of Idaho that not even the most experienced of the native tribes dared tread. The arid mountainous land produces extremely rock-like potatoes, and its fiberglass grasses produce even harder cows. Those exiled Mormons who settled the land became hard, stubborn, goblinoid creatures, knotted and twisted by the land, with thews and teeth like steel. Often they would need to boil their meat and potatoes for days at a time before it was ready to beat into chewable shapes. Even more isolated still was the valley of Yonderer Idaho, which had been separated from the other portions by a great landslide, causing much despair, starvation, and death. First, they boiled and ate the rocks where their potatoes once grew. Then, they started to boil each other. Finally, they began eating their cauldrons. When the blockage finally fell away and the mountain exiles explored the land again, they found that only one goblin remained. He was not starving to death- In fact, he was disturbingly fat considering his surroundings, like Colonel Kurtz. He had become more mineral than man at this point, and used scraps of metal affixed to his scalp and hands to beat feral cows into bloody paste before eating them with a condiment he described as "sand-ketchup". Ever since Yonder Idaho became formally incorporated into the contignuous united states, and being a tribal warrior-patriarch was no longer, strictly speaking, a legal thing to do, The Tenderizer and his 50 rock-goblin wives have been displaced from their homelands and now seek asylum in Mainland Cystia, where they have been allowed to practice their traditional ways in some capacity. While convincing a dude who can't even read English to sign a wrestle contract was a move greatly frowned upon by the international community, The Tenderizer doesn't seem to mind his place as a gladiator to the Cystian public. You gotta be able to afford the premium rocks for your 136 children somehow!
Kelrong the Sorceror: An astronomical magus who spent three hundred years atop the brazen peak contemplating and inquiring upon the secrets of existence. The depth of his wisdom in the philosophies of the cosmos gives him access to incredible power. The Sorceror (formerly known as "The Motherfucking Sorceror) rarely descends from his hermit lodge in the mountains to intercede in mortal affairs, but he sensed a profound disturbance in the cosmic instruments when Canary began using the powers of the belt for Evil. He now hopes to win the CYSWWE championship so that the ancient powers of the Cystian Imperators can be returned to their rightful place in the dreamtime, locked safely away from mortal hands before they can be made to do something truly destructive to the Cystian Multiverse...
Chris Prime: When Canary obtained the belt, not only did it grant him strange powers, but it also whispered to him of ancient secrets forgotten by magi after the fall of the middle kingdom. In his dabbling with these forbidden practices, he reached across the stellar weave seeking to claim the power of some profound energy source he found himself unable to fully comprehend- But when his mind withdrew from the astral dream-plane he found himself unable to remove the power from its source for his own nefarious uses- Instead, he had brought it with him, to our world. This fetid eldritch creature was known only as Christian Weston Chadler, of Universe C-69420. A horrible beast of a man unshakable fortitude, this bizarre otherworld incarnation of Chris-Chan was very likely one of the most powerful and malignant Autists in all of Yggdrasil's branches, whose very presence disturbed the stars and alerted the mystics to an odious warp in the fabric of our precious time and space. But when the Wizard Kelrong offered to return the confused being to its home, he was violently refused. This version of Chris, no longer content with having crossed the very cosmos, wants the CYSWWE Championship Title for himself-- If the frightful theories of its deranged mind are true, the secrets that the circlet holds could be the key to a hideous apotheosis, one that he refers to as the Dimensional Merge.
The LA Beast: The exploits of this giant man are as numerous as they are legendary. No challenge he has ever encountered has been able to break his deranged resolve. The LA beast has ingested a 24-year-old Hi-C Ecto-Cooler juicebox, a can of beer more than old enough to drink itself, and also an entire gallon of olive oil in one sitting. He once sat down to a bag each of cool ranch doritos, cheetos zigzags, and microwave popcorn from 1993 in february of this year, and then washed it down with a nearly solid bottle of Orbitz. He has swallowed no less than 50 raw eggs out of a giant beer glass, he ate nearly half of a 15 lb piece of sushi and cleansed his pallette by taking a bite of a baseball made of wasabi, and no less than two cactuses. 82 year old candy and 54 year old chili could not break his indomitable spirit. No amount of bullet ant venom, kombucha diarrhea, LIGHTBULBS, or expired crystal pepsi can withstand him. He has walked for miles across scattered piles of lego bricks. He has used ghost peppers as a painkiller, JUST SO HE COULD EAT MORE CACTUS. On a whim, he elected to test his strength by seeing how many closed doors he could hurl himself through in 10 minutes, and he had to stop at 4 doors in 7 minutes because the door frame he had built was giving up before he was. He attempted to ride a 2200 lb bull after eating its disembodied testicles right in front of him. He nearly traveled to the moon like Wan Hu by using the explosive power of diet coke and mentos. And now this indestructible being has his eyes set on the CYSWWE championship. As far as I'm concerned he'll probably win. Like what the fuck can we even do to stop him that hasn't been done at this point?
Noob: The isle of Cystia is no stranger to many fantastical humanoid-adjacent creatures, but few among them are as simultaneously maligned and adored as the Noob-- Except maybe the goblins, but sometimes these are the same thing. Cystia has seen no shortage of these plucky anonymous younglings with no regard for their life or general well-being, but now we have come up with the brilliant idea of getting them to fight people for money. What this creature lacks in intellect- Or really any kind of awareness, he more than makes up for in being able to push his body to its absolute limits for alarming bursts of speed and athleticism. Including somehow LIFTING an extremely ineibriated and half-asleep Ogre during their rematch at Leipzig Germany. It is unknown if the noob has ever heard of the CYSWWE championship- It is, in fact, unknown if the noob even comprehends what a wrestling federation is, or if he indeed even knows that he signed up to be part of a wrestling federation. Signing up for things they don't know anything about is a common trait among noobs all over the world.
Peng: A refugee from the totalitarian state of AsianParentolonia, when the Perforated One arrived on the shores of Cystia, he quickly found himself swept into the ill-advised tutelage of Sentinel on account of them both being people who looked like penguins. While Sentinel does seem to have imparted a good deal of wrestling-related wisdom to Pengus, most of his advice lately has simply been authoritatively telling him what NOT to do- DON't look up [insert furry website], DON'T put "screaming spider contortionists" into the AI image generator, DON'T gamble... And this is something that Peng, generally speaking, has not responded well to. While Sentinel and Peng are scheduled to work together for the tag team championship this Chooseyourmania, tonight they'll be competing for a chance at the men's CYS title. Will their differences be insurmountable?
The GOURD LORD: Rising from the pumpkin patches every Summer and Autumn, a faerealm being of unimaginable power comes to hold court over mortal men. The mighty Gourd Lord is a 7 foot tall, 500 lb fruit with furious fists of cellulose. While known to be a peaceful and benevolent creature by most, when the patch is disrespected, he mangles men and other pests with his bowlingball hands. For thousands of years, he was celebrated in harvest festivals and fall wrestling games all over Cystia, as villagers would beseech him for the protection of their crops. However, he has since retired from this position as modern farmers prefer to use things like pesticides and whatnot to keep their pumpkins safe. However, a harvest spirit has to make a spiritual living somehow, and so now the fearsome pumpkin mostly appears in the CYSWWE, beating the crap out of prizefighters rather than crop thieves and corn-goblins.
Pasha Malk: While initially hailing from Canada, Malk's career began as a sea reaver on the northern coastlines of the Capybaliphate. Malkalack was a brigand of both renown and infamy, comitting deeds of incredible testicular fortitude with his band of navally trained primates. When the Turd-Tosser of Toronto was finally captured by Capybaliphate forces, all assumed that he was to be put to death without question. But in the darkness of the Sultan's dungeons, Malkalack had found the light of Cyslam. The mystical experiences of the man who now called himself Malk Alhaq so stirred the heart of the Sultan, that he was summarily pardoned of his crimes and allowed to walk the world again as a pious Pasha, and later was allowed to become a fully blooded were-capybara under the Sultan's banner. It certainly helped that there was a war against the Shia tribes at the time, but that is not to besmirch the unwavering faith of Malk Alhaq. This warrior of Cyslam flourishes in Mohammed's wisdom, and he seems to collect heroic warrior deeds almost as readily as he collects priceless treasures, exotic weapons, and esoteric mystical texts. When the good Pasha heard of the discovery of the Imperial Circlets and the subsequent founding of CYSWWE, he signed up almost immediately. There was no way he was passing up the opportunity to add the Enchanted Belt of the First Monotheist Emperor to his trove.
Sherbington: A humble country barbarian from far-away Tijuana, (Or some other place out west with In N Out) Sherbet lives a quiet life with his loving dragonfruit tree and their three saplings. But times are tough way out west in The Chaos Plains, and some days Sherbet can barely afford to put dirt on the table for his family. As the big evil bank man threatens to foreclose on the entire greenhouse village where Sherb lives in order to drill the land for oil. At the end of his tolerance for evil shenanigans, Sherbet has, against the advice of all the fruit plants he lives with, signed on with CYSWWE to pay off the village debt and save his friends and family.
Darius Conwright: A most foul example of the Dutch kind, the diminutive Darius is a slimy and massless entity comprised largely of compacted ooze. Like the shark, his bones are entirely atrophied and his skeleton is comprised largely of cartilage. In lieu of blood, his capillaries seem largely to be filled with vaguely red-colored sebum that imitate the color but not the purpose of circulation to the rest of the body, with his insides being made largely of crumpled and useless flesh. It is clear from looking at Darius that, while his other countryman burns with life, whatever being within Darius that could be called a soul had been snuffed out long ago, and he is likely a blasphemous homuncular entity specially constructed by fascists to look like a naturally occurring Dutchman, as both a psyop and a biological weapon. His purpose to spew out fragmentary arguments and bizarre opinions in repugnant ways, and then defend them so horribly that anyone with authoritarian leanings will be irrevocably convinced they are correct in a vile feedback loop. Rumor has it that the squidlike array of Habsburgian peppercorn hearts that meekly power his circulation are rigged with frightening biological catalysts that will cause him to violently explode the day that proper-thinking individuals of any creed attempt to bludgeon him to death, coating all onlookers with deadly boiling pus. Unable to take his life without themselves and the audience becoming victims of Neo-Nazi bioterrorism, every fighter in the CYSWWE roster takes a horrifying risk when they enter the ring with Darius. He may be a pathetically feeble opponent, but everyone he faces must be careful to eliminate him without setting him off...
Anth "Nightwatch" Ony: Anthonius is a man of many mysteries. By day, he appears as just your average mild-mannered codepriest, a cleric of the incomprehensible machine spirits. But, by night, when the Code Caves are sealed to outsiders, a shimmering cowled figure watches over the cities of Cystia. The vigilante Nightwatch is a hero of renown, beloved even by the police, since there is very little consolidated federal power in this gonzo nation. Wherever there is injustice or suffering, he will be there, with his FISTS and probably a collection of particularly interesting rocks to throw at people. The bold Nightwatch has entered the championship running, presumably out of both scientific interest in the belt, and the fact that his only superpower is being a geologist in a bulletproof suit so the belt would really help him save the day more often.
Ogre: The largest and potentially most brutal of all Cystians by a large margin, Ogre the 11th rules over the great plains region with a fist of green iron. He is earnest megafauna, at 7 feet tall and God-Knows-How-Many pounds. Capable of casually uprooting trees with a few minutes of dedicated pulling, his lands are nearly as bald as he is. Ogres in other parts of the world are known for devouring human beings, but the relatively benign Ogre of Cystia is known for generally avoiding such activities. Whether this is because there is such thing as a Naturally Good-Aligned Ogre, or merely because Cystians are extremely unappetizing, is a hotly debated subject among Ogreologists. This particular ogre is known to supplement his human-free diet with 50 to 100 feet of cheesesteak sandwich per day. The resulting emissions of such a meal are known to kill cows and curdle milk on the spot, which perpetuates the cheesesteak cycle. While generally percieved as a peaceful being, the Cystian Ogre has joined the CYSWWE. For the championship, perhaps? Or is it more because the catering is sometimes done by a shawarma place?
ACE: A hideous and malignant mass of sentient grease and sullen passive aggression that purports to be a man, but even the oversimplification of "man-like sack of grease" would not properly describe this lumpy boggart which walks and wheezes among us. The slovenly thing known as Ace is better understood as a moving mass of old laundry suspended in oleaginous meat ooze. These ancient cottage-cheese-scented sweat rags animate the body by slithering around in their putrid way beneath a profusely sweaty membrane of sunless, unpigmented frog skin, and jostling the crusty malnourished scaffolding within that may once have been a child's skeleton. Theologians falter to describe what could possibly motivate such a grotesque being to live, and yet it comes back with a third again as much vigor every time it is "killed". Its daily life consists mostly of surrounding itself in the most repulsive of unhygenic squalor, and soaking its bare feet in carpet-sebum as it eats up to 50 lbs of butter and peanut butter mashed up into gelatinous ingots by hand, and sandwiched between barely-unfrozen toaster waffles. What the blasphemous mass would ever want with the CYSWWE Championship belt is unknown, but while the exact purpose is unknowable, its nature could only be evil.
Jacked Frasier: Fearing that the gladiator arena would be a bit too low-brow for refined audiences, and needing the approval of Cystian Nobility for a sports enterprise featuring ancient national treasures to move forward, the occultists of Cystia brought aboard none other than America's favorite Sitcom Psychologist to raise the cultural IQ of the show for the more sophisticated viewers. Or, rather, the occultists of Cystia paid royalties to Kelsey Grammer in order to create a blasphemous homunculus out of discarded meat in the tenuously maintained shape of the beloved sitcom character. An act hailed by critics as "Still more likely to make its money back than the 2023 reboot".
Che "TheChef" F: An ambitious up-and-comer from Cystia's southern harbors, when Chef heard about the formation of the CYSWWE, he sailed all the way to Samoa becaue that's where he heard the most powerful pro wrestlers were from. It was there that he went through the excruciating process of getting dual arm-tatau (with temporary ink) and spent the rest of his time there training by beating the shit out of people, some of whom even happened to be wrestlers. In an effort to practice being a more compelling heel, he did a tour of waffle houses all over the country fighting people on behlaf of the employees. Upper management became furious because people kept saying "My compliments to TheChef" for his deeds, and he was summarily fired from the establishment despite never having worked there. With this training and more, he seeks to attain the CYSWWE Championship.
The DASTARDLY GOBLIN BROTHERS: Belligerent Boggart, Treacherous Tilberi, and Diamond Duende. They aren't actually brothers- In fact, they come from very disparate parts of the world, but they ARE all goblins that have signed onto the CYS roster, and after drunken threat of goblin hate crimes from Sentinel, they have formed a shaky sort of union for their own mutual safety.
Ford: An obese hairy troll man who once lived in a subterranean cave near Las Vegas gnawing marrow from the stir-fried bones of bats, coyotes, and lost children. When he found his way to Cystia through the subterranean tunnel network and became enslaved for the dark science of coding, it was quickly discovered that he was actually so retarded that the dial loops back around to being genius. He spends his days in a crusty laboratory untouched by sunlight, building cunning machines of death and cruelty.
Petros: Born in the deepest, most racist depths of Arkansas, Petros has spent most of his life in deadly combat with the elements- And The Man. Unable to obtain any sort of weapons license due to the discriminatory lobbying of the gerrymandering, moonshine-kingpin county sheriff, Petros has been fending off lynch mobs, assassins, and other hateful actors mostly with his bare hands. People from all walks of life, even outside of Arkansas, literally will not stop trying to murder him. It's a serious problem that persists to this day. Ever since hearing of the championship, Petros has been determined to win the belt for himself- Hopefully the first Black (?) CYSWWE Champion will prove to be enough of a step forward in civil rights that people stop CONSTANTLY trying to BRUTALLY MURDER him.
The Miserable Green Giant: The Republic of Cystia, distant developing nation that it is, can't always afford to import famous brand names, and often makes up the difference with eccentric local equivalents. The Canned Vegetable industry is one of the places where the cystian imports simply don't cover most things. Within this market, a local alcoholic, Mario Freglinson, decided to make the best of what life dealt him, as a man turned permanently green by a combination of chronic goblin bites and sustained liver damage. Since then, Mario has become the face of Cystia's premiere domestic producer of beans and canned rhubarb, allowing him to move out of his dumpster and into a motel. But royalties alone cannot put food on the table and midori in the pint glass forever, so, with an array of deadened nerves and a lifetime of fighting goblins for the cleanest dumpsters giving him a superhuman tolerance to pain, he signed on to the CYSWWE. Would achieving the championship belt be assurance enough that Mario is more than just a disfigured green piece of shit that he could change his drinking ways?
Sentinel: At a young age, Baby Sentinel was placed into a ceramic vessel and left out in the Wisconsin Wilderness for three days. From there he became a feral barbarian warrior who fought with the wild goblins of his area, often uprooting small trees and throwing them at trespassers. Eventually he was captured and enslaved by amateur lanistas, who made him push a huge wheel and throw progressively larger and larger people like a deranged Milo of Croton. While he has been free and living among civilized people for quite some time, he has trouble curbing his primal tendencies in the ring, and has had his head locked inside a full-face helmet for most hours of the day for two years because he won't stop biting people. Sentinel wants to be the CYSWWE Champion because of the special legal status being the holder of a national treasure entails- He might be allowed to take his helmet off for up to 16 hours a day.
MAXIMUM MUSCLE GNOME: In the distant kingdom of Avalon, the people are tormented by a nameless menace. Utterly unable to be negotiated with, bribed, apprehended, or contained, all who go outside walk the streets in fear of this five foot manifestation of apocalyptic violence. The muscle gnome speaks to no one and wants for seemingly nothing but his next target. Unceasing, even for sleep, he makes his way through all kingdoms- Through windows, doors, and walls- punching people in the dick (or whatever else is at his eye level) and refusing to elaborate to anyone. It was only for his contract signing at CYSWWE that we discovered he was even literate or capable of speaking. Unsatisfied with merely beating the crap out of kings and their armies, the menacing Muscle Gnome seeks a higher achievement in his chosen vocation- To find the biggest, most uncontested fighting champion in the world, and stick his tiny thumbs in their eyes. For this reason, he seeks a match against the CYSWWE Champion
Darkspawn: Ruling over his oasis amid the Chaos Planes of Mexico, the Mad Shogun Daruku-domo rarely travels to foreign climes. But after the attempted subjugation of barbarians led to a collapse of The Shogunate into fractured, warring states, the deposed shogun arrived on Cystian shores with asylum papers-- Genuinely, retardetku shitfaced. He now fights for the CYSWWE Championship, hoping that it will be what he needs to strengthen the legitimacy of his claim upon the Shogunate that betrayed him. And if not, certainly its sorcerous powers will turn the tide of the civil war.
Celicni: In the blackest of the Balkan Hellrealms, a man was once run over by two cars at the same time. However, as the only enslavable code-monkey in the entire village, he could not be allowed to die. With a combination of cutting-edge Serbian medical technology, elmer's glue, and a special Balkan Supersoldier Formula, (partially made from glue fumes) Celicni was made able to move again after a 30 hour operation that replaced many of his more pulverized bones with aircraft-grade aluminum. While only able to stand without his wheelchair for 30 minutes at a time before his internal wounds became too aggravated to stand, he now had superhuman strength and durability. However, the 651693784.73 Dinar Serb beat the crap out of the team of doctors and escaped his confinement, seeking to escape his life of code-peasantry as a gladiator in the Cystian Empire. Unfortunately, this only seems to set him back in the lengthy healing process, but a steady supply of defibrillation, protein, and expired Nazi meth capsules from government storage seems to keep him ready for action no matter how inadvisably bad a match goes for him. If he wins the CYSWWE championship, they'll never be able to take him back to the EVE Online Goldfarms of Serbia.
Women's Championship Contenders (In randomised order):
Briar_Rose: In the dire and rain-soaked wasteland of the Fog Isles, otherwise known as the UK, a cockney orphan once stowed away on a crusty steamship to escape her freezing homeland, and made her way on Cystian streets by stealing from manor-houses and stabbing other children. Ever since then, she's made quite the name for herself as Cystia's premiere assassin, and she put her skills in combat and subterfuge to infamous use during the Spring War of Intfic. Now, she has her sights set on another championship- one with the potential to grant her DANGEROUS POWERS. Who will survive her tyrannical reign if such a thing comes to pass?
Lux Inferni: A slimy pissgoblin of the highest order. Lux Inferni seeks out urine in all its forms for arcane and unknowable purposes. It is unknown whether she became extremely veiny and bright yellow from consuming purified urochrome directly, or if this was a natural pigment arising from conditions predating her deranged piss obsession, but she rarely rests in her quest to obtain and process more samples from the ever-growing stores of piss in her cave-laboratory. She is rarely seen without her portable hydrofactive congelator, a powerful alchemical instrument she wears on her back, that is capable of processing the many different varieties of piss into more potent (and compact) piss crystals. Far more sinister, however, is the fact that she is also rarely seen without her large glove. This, she uses to extract urine (often lethally) from unwilling subjects. When she is desperate for her piss fix, or otherwise perturbed, she will unflinchingly fist the urethra of her enemies almost unflinchingly and reach into their kidneys to manually extract the piss in dry cube form. A dangerous individual to be certain, one shudders to imagine what horrific plans she has for the power of the Imperator Circlet.
The Minecraft Lady: Minecraft has brought much joy to Cystians over the years! So, at the time, it didn't seem like an extremely questionable choice to invite Minecraft Alyx or whatever her name is onto the show to get beat up for real on television in front of what would potentially be an audience of children. But now here she is, about to make her CYSWWE debut at the Royal Rumble, surrounded by gladiatrices and actual murderers of all kinds. Hopefully she's durable enough to hold her own in the squared circle!
MeltdownPenguins: In the Grim Darkness of Current Year Germany, there is only Streaming. No other industry in the dystopian economy can sustain a creature as deranged and egotistical as the Meltdown CoGite, who immediately dies of malnourishment if they ever consume food paid for by undonated money. One particularly molten and deformed of the Germanoids has been streaming herself in highly offensive Penguinface for years, hoping to eventually save up $2000 so that she can continue to pretend to work on her crusty visual(?) interactive(?) novel (?). On the suggestion of a rather sketchy personal agent, (one gets what they pay for in this department) she was told that if she signed a slip of paper, she would be given the chance to advertise her project (but mainly her patreon) on live international television! At first she was only mildly suspicious when they started to give her literal armor to wear with things like "Donos Pls" written on it. She didn't realize she'd been shanghai'd overseas to partake in gladiator bloodsports with those damn dirty Cystians because they didn't have enough wrestlers that were ostensibly woman-adjacent to fulfill the royal rumble quota. Does she want the CYSWWE Championship? Well she certainly considers us all nazis and will probably fight like a cornered animal when push comes to shove. We can only hope that it entertains the crowds.
Green44:
Cricket: Accountant-Priestess and Second Daughter of End, Cricket occupied a relatively high administrative position in the modern-day temple of Cystia while her sisters were away. Cricket always took her duties very seriously, but she always knew there had to be more to this life than jurisprudential disputes and bureaucratic frijole-counting. Stirring deep within Cricket was a call for adventure! How she wished to see a vast, flat land, with horizons as distant as the open sea, bare of trees and hills! How her books described tales of violence, intrigue, octopi, incest and necromancers! All out there, outside her tower! It all seemed too magical to pass up. As soon as no one was looking, she snuck out of the temple and its surrounding city and rode away on her favorite milk cow for several miles until she reached the Big City, where she saw her first wrestling match. She was instantly fascinated by the sport, and insisted that the CYSWWE Executives allow her to sign up for the wrestling promo- And who the hell could argue with her? Like all of the End Daughters, even the shitty ones, Cricket is a fierce and relentless competitor who never backs down from even the most daunting challenges! Even if the challenge is 19 other women and the CYSWWE Champion herself!
Victoria Blackheart: Edgelord Vampire Princess of a far-off realm, Victoria "Swampass" Blackheart is no stranger to brutal gladiatorial bloodsports! Known for holding her own against skilled opponents, and showing no mercy at all even to mentally ill goblins and elderly hobbits, who she will RUTHLESSLY BEAT about the head with her blunted tourney sword with full force whenever she sees them. After a questionable business venture attempting to run a backwoods combat arena from her private corporate town fell through, Victoria thought it would bring more eyes to Banderas City's Youtube Bangers if the face of the company went onto a promotion that actually had TV presence- And so Victoria's contract with CYSWWE was negotiated. Would it be possible for Victoria to pull off the ultimate prestige move and bring the CYSWWE Championship Belt back to her home in Galliad?
Shouja: A duplicitous cuntweed what was once allegedly a lad, and then allegedly a lady, then back and forth again, the creature known as Shouja was a being of raw obliviousness and unshakable confidence in its psuedo-thoughts. Not unlike many creatures whose entire study of comparative culture and philosophy comes from google, the thing called Shouja (which had before chosen to call itself ShoujoAddict, voluntarily, without losing a bet or anything) would routinely and egregiously blunder their way through even the most basic daily tests of credulity and self or social awareness, despite taking great pride in mocking others for their percieved foolish or irrational beliefs. After the superlatively disgusting act of simultaneously spoiling and trying to steal credit for a surprise birthday party, she shrank away in her cowardice to a clandestine Retard Cave to talk trash with the likes of the Minnie-Thing. And so there it has lived for however long it was abandoned by both society and God, gradually transforming itself into the sexual cringe clown from Nier that he used to whiten his internet emojis to pretend to look more like. It can only be suspected what pernicious ideas their childish mind might have for the powers of the Circlet, but they were allowed to wrestle in the women's division anyway because we were having trouble convincing anyone else to sign the contract and we're fairly certain there's no chance of him getting castrated by Mara.
MysticWarrior: A shadowy figure within Cystia, Mystic is known to practice dark powers of extreme productivity. Capable of conjuring an absurd amount of words and sentences in an alarmingly short timeframe, Mystic has long terrified Cystian onlookers with her presence in contests and advice threads of all sorts. Never one to lack dedication to even the most tangential of pursuits, Mysticwarrior brings the same frightful intensity and tenacity to her wrestling that she does to posting large storygames. Fierce competitor though she may be, she's not at as much of a horrifying advantage in the Rumble as it may seem- After all, you can't procrastinate in the ring without getting your head punched off! (Some Cystians have, unfortunately, found this out the hard way.) Can Mystic's approach to quality and massive quantity pay off for her in the Royal Rumble this year? Will it earn her the CYSWWE Women's title?
Lil Antoinette: The illegitimate daughter of a Cystian gladiator, born from a woman's calf after her mother exchanged particularly steamy and unprotected eye contact with Sentinel from across a stadium-- Or so legend goes. This is the story that got her adoption recognized by the church, at any rate. It was also one of the major contributing factors (aside from biting people) that got Sentinel wearing a helmet all the time by court order. Ant's history in the Cystian republic is a spotty one- Always ready to fight for her honor, but prone to distraction and not often able to show up to her own battles. Despite having a rough introduction to the Cystian nation, Sentinel adopted her and has mentored her for some time in a far less crude fashion than Peng for some reason. Many speculate that this is not actually on account of any good will on his part, but rather because of some kind of grand racial conspiracy against Bronykind because he is far too lazy to write his own fanfiction storygame. Regardless of whether or not Cystia believes in her yet, though, perhaps she can prove herself in THE ARENA, and compete for the covetted CYSWWE Championship?
WOMAN HITLER: We were really, really desperate for one last person to make the CYSWWE women's rumble be 20 people. Unfortunately, as very few responsible women wrestlers were willing to sign on with an actual gladiator arena, we were forced to plumb forbidden depths, and negotiate with alternate universe beings for any woman that it was legally permissible to send against their will into a deadly sports show on such short notice. Fortunately, the inhabitants of Universe 63 were willing to give us their version of Hitler in an effort to prevent WWII from happening. We didn't ask why, and, frankly, we didn't have time. The CYSWWE executives just accepted the box containing a screaming German and vanished back to their proper time and space to release her upon the rumble participants when the time is right. Please for the love of GOD, ladies, don't let WOMAN HITLER win.
Thara: Life can be hard for a God-Priestess in a large pagan theocratic province of a remote cluster of Cystian nations. People think it's easy to live with the privilege of being the First Daughter of End, but if you think that's the case, maybe YOU can try getting into a prestigious college while every other day your people are pestering you about this or that- "Thara, why don't you come back and issue a decree!" or "Thara, why don't you come sanctify our blood sacrifices to the Master of Ends!?" The duties of a Princess of Death in the modern world are simply exhausting! And as if that's not enough, the fact that, despite spending so much time abroad studying and earning her degrees and qualifications, Mizal was the one to enter the ancient tomb and take the women's championship circlet for herself!? It just isn't fair! This rumble, Thara has returned to Cystia posthaste to take what is rightfully hers! She will not be satisfied until she is the one wearing the belt, as was surely her birthright as the first daughter!
Suranna: A fregglish little creature from the crustiest parts of Arizona or some other place. Evidence-based speculation would loosely suggest that the Surannas are born of the stock of ancient Mormon migrants who found an extremely cursed and unlivable portion of the US and adapted to survive there by turning into goblins. The Surannese Territory of the Far West is an inarable brushland sparsely populated by as many as 22 of these funny green creatures, who make their living by attacking feral sheep and shearing them with primitive tools made from their rows of sharp and constantly self-replacing teeth. The Surannas share a singular 150-year-old hive-consciousness between all of their bodies, which reproduce amongst themselves through lesbian parthenogenesis. The life of a Suranna is nasty, brutish, and short, with nothing to do all day except knit wool and beat the crap out of each other for entertainment. Because the Cystian Government is in the habit of accepting hearty bribes to accept small endangered clans of Latter-Day Saints from a CIA who is eager to use the now empty land for shadowy purposes, all 20 of the known Surranese creatures now lurk somewhere in the foothills and cornfields of Cystia, and at least one of them is contractually obligated to fight people for an agreed-upon payment of rutabagas. The creatures are eager to compete here for a shot at the CYSWWE Championship, however- Partially for an attempt on vengeance against Mara over their last match, but also because a new champion's contract might finally fulfill her constant requests to supplement her rutabaga pay with a jar of pickled butter.
Mayana: Traitorous former daughter of End, Mayana The Blind was once a powerful villain and the Third Daughter of End. She was however banished from the realm long ago for reasons largely forgotten by history. While she typically rose from the dead of her own volition whenever this used to happen, in her Final Defiance during the Shoujoid Fiasco, she requested to be banned herself in a sort of seppuku. Ever since then she has wandered the Exiled Lands feeding on the eyes of lost travellers, presumably in dark council with Shouja, her quisling minion.
TCat: As an international traveler, Typewritercat was at first trapped in Cystia after washing up on its shores during a disastrous cruise ship crash. However, after committing several crimes to survive, she quickly realized that the Cystian legal system was far less rigorous (and maybe a smidge more corrupt) than the laws of the countries she was studying in, and she was quickly able to set up a law practice of her own within a month of her arrival on Cystian shores. While a career in law was well and good, TCat signed on for CYSWWE quite readily once she heard she could be in the running for the world title. After doing some quick math on the projected income of champions in wrestling promotions of similar size, TCat quickly became aware that if she played her cards right with TV appearances and sponsorships, she would be able to make well more than 150 CYS Points (roughly 150,000 USD) per year (after the taxes in her particular province of Cystia.) Ever since then, she's been striving to get her hands on a CYSWWE championship of any kind, and surely she will fight like hell in the Rumble for her chance! At some point she was also appointed the Third Daughter of End, but now that green is temporarily alive again to fill out the roster that seems questionable.
Undr: Though she has been dead, of her own volition, for veritable centuries in lore-time, Undr has clawed her way back from the very grave to the ring here at CYSWWE. Drawn by the dark necromantic power surrounding the Imperator Circlets, the Scullery-Snob Slapper of the Before-Times has arisen to claim the belt for her own malign and inscrutable Italian purposes.
Sent's Ex: Despite the many fervent and even violent protests of Sentinel himself, the CYSWWE Executives allowed Sent's Ex to sign on to the company and even compete for the championship. None were prepared for what they had caused. When the goblinblood ritual was complete, lightning split the sky and the earth itself ruptured to reveal the gates of fiery viscera blazing from the bottom of a pit of blood. The creature that emerged was so powerful and profanely large that it could not be contained. In the bounds of a protective sigil she had to be delivered to the site of her first wrestling match, where she made her debut by entering the ring and EATING the Female Noob. Yeah! It's that fucked up! You were wondering why there was just a singular dude noob on the whole roster, weren't you? It's because THE OTHER ONE IS NOW FECES. Because of this, Sent's Ex was also made to wear a helmet all the time, but she hasn't let it stop her from crushing all who oppose her into human pulp. Hopefully someone on the women's roster can somehow stand up to her and prevent this infernal hell-creature from mangling her way into the championship!
MHD: A dual citizen of both Cystia and Wonderland, the Mad Hattress quickly learned the art of ruthlessly punching people during her brief stint in a Cystian asylum for the CRIMINALLY DERANGED. Of course, she escaped soon after the cafeteria ran out of tea, and has been on the run ever since. Her reign of heinous hooliganism and haberdashery continues to this day! While her CRIMES have been numerous, her appearances in the ring have been unfortunately few, as she is almost always on the run from the authorities. But, as MAD as she might be, she knows that the show must always go on. If she were to win the CYSWWE Championship, they would have to let her out of jail in order to let her wrestle on tv, just like Dominik Mysterio! No prison would ever be able to hold her!
Sabley: All she initially wanted was to live a peaceful life with her family, trading in rare chicken eggs and soapmongering from the privacy of her home in the mountain-forests of Cystia. However, where Sabley's originally sound business strategy fell short, was that she was unable to account for all her neighbors being actual maniacs who had no use for any particularly precious or non-weaponizable eggs, or even soap for that matter. At her wit's end, Sabley decided to make money the only other way she knew how, by beating the crap out of people! And boy did she ever beat the crap out of people! It catapulted her into superstardom amongst the Cystian Underground Fighting community! She became famous all across the country! People would flock to her chicken farm to get an autograph or a photo, and she would wake up and beat the crap out of them and take their money too! It all became quite overwhelming- But when the CYSWWE Championship rolled around, she knew she had to take the chance. After all, if the belt were capable of imparting sorcerous powers based on the wielder's needs and desires, it would undoubtedly change her life for the better. When pestering fans wandered out onto her property, she would no longer need to leave her house to go kill them! Fighting 19 other women and Mizal herself for the honor would of course be daunting, but Sabley is more than willing to take on ANY challenge if it means 5 damn minutes of peace and quiet.
Poisonmara: A creature of SPAIN who had once lived a very normal life on CoGite shores, making a modest living as a Dominatrix. Stifled and patronized by her prudish peers, Poisonmara found herself routinely discouraged as she entered the IFSphere, but she was determined and resolute to make her way in this insane world. Sensing there could be more to life in this world for a retired dominatrix in this world, however, she travelled to Cystia to partake in its rich culture and monthly festivities, which she did with enthusiasm and gusto. When the CYSWWE formed, she was among the first to sign- And also the very first to partake in a televised match, though the broadcast is now unfortunately lost to history. Consequently, she was also the reason that the CYSWWE was immediately separated into a men's and a women's division, on account of her exceedingly brutal style of wrestling. During the first televised match in CYSWWE History, Mara nearly separated a poor noob from his family jewels using the pointed corner of a stop sign, and was disqualified. But she never let it get her down! She wrestles with CYSWWE to this day! And has gone on record as saying that once she becomes the champion, she will eliminate the pesky and sexist division of CYSWWE superstars, and personally cut off penis from every bad man in the industry.
