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We received nine entries for the short story contest, and I have to say I'm pretty impressed and happy with the turnout. A big congratulations and thanks to all of our participants. The judge will announce the winner in this thread once he's had an opportunity to read all of the stories.

For anyone who's interested, I plan on hosting another contest for October. Unless something changes, expect an announcement the last week of September or first week of October.

I strongly encourage the community to read and comment on the excellent story contributions the following members have made this past two weeks. Great work folks.

Also, Axiom is offering detailed feedback for the first three contest entrants that wish to receive a thorough critique. Talk to her if you're interested. She gives great feedback, so I highly recommend taking her up on the offer.



The Entries

Steve - Steve's Spectacular Spooky Story

KitKatKaity - Vampire Story

WouldntItBeNice - Warrior Cows

Romulus - Screw Africa: Mizal Needs a Present

Will11 A Chinese Tale

IronPanther - Santa Claus Vs. The Alien Menace

Tim36D- Tim

bilbo - For Mizal! And for Aslan!

Mizal - Freedom of Flight

@Steve @KitKatKaity @WouldntItBeNice @Romulus @Will11 @IronPanther @Tim36D @bilbo  Bucky forgot to tag!

I've already got the go ahead from a few of the authors here, but just mentioning again to let me know if it's okay use your entries here as in-game books in the big archive project I'm collecting stories for. 

I'm home now but still kind of dragging around today after the all nighter I pulled, I may turn in early and read through the rest of these in the morning. I was really surprised at the number of entries too and you guys are all awesome. And I'm sure Bucky is very pleased to finally, finally have one of his writing threads work out with no casualties.

Anyway, I'll have a bit more to say tomorrow. I'd encourage you guys to take Axiom up on her critique offer, because I may be grabbing one of those three after all if you all drag your feet on requesting them.  

 

 

I have numbers, you know. As Bucky discovered, Steve is some random fucker who probably has to deal with too much of this shit. 

You have random, stupid numbers no one can ever remember.

Looks like ordinary boring Steve hasn't logged in in over a decade, somehow I don't think he'll notice or care.

I wouldn't mind if you used my story for your project! 

You're welcome to use whatever.

For anyone who wants a critique, please let me know what you want me to focus on and whether you intend to revisit the story. I can either provide concrete suggestions for improvement or look more for things to keep in mind for future stories.

Hi Axiom, I would be quite happy for a critique of my story. I've noticed two mistakes I've made since I published it

1) I made a few cultural errors with the names and a few customs. My girlfriend pointed out in China people are usually burnt rather than buried too so I fluffed Liu Yu's burial a little :)

2) I wrote 2012 when I meant to write 2016. Just a little thing but I should have noticed.

I'm sure there's other slips so I'd be very grateful if you have the time to have a read through and critique it :)

Was cremation the custom during that time period though? Too lazy to Google right now and most of what I know is just from Pearl S. Buck books, but they're about the right time period and she knew her stuff, and in those at least there are burials and a lot of importance is placed on them. (Not 'important' as in a big event or anything but as in it being important to someone sick and to the family of someone who died that they're buried properly.)

 

Hi Mizal, yeah because China has so many people cremation is a bit of a necessity rather than a preference, in fact being buried in an actual tomb is a bit of a status symbol to show your wealthy and important. I don't know myself but my friend seems to think on a little island like that which was relatively peaceful then cremation would be more usual and the ashes put in a giant urn thing in a small sort of white shed or tomb with a photo of the deceased above it and incense sticks burned before it along with food and drinks for the dead person to use in the afterlife.

I've actually often seen people burn fake money in fires on the streets so it can go up in smoke form for people in the next life to use (one of my friends claimed they need to burn money for the ancestors so they can use it to pay soldiers not to hurt them or beat them up in the afterlife :D It's sort of funny and sad at the same time that China has such a history of repression that even in the afterlife the people have to pay protection money, which incidentally is the norm in China. The government collects protection money on a scale the Mafia could only dream of :( )

That's pretty interesting, thanks. Most of what I know about China is from before all the big cultural shakeups around the time period of your story actually, but, even then it's such a massive, old country it's hard to do anything but scratch the surface it seems like.

China is a very confusing place and Chinese culture very difficult to penetrate and understand for Westerners except in generalizations. My girlfriend is Chinese and after living here for nearly three years I still think many Chinese people actually enjoy complicating things and messing with foreigners if they can :)

Sure thing. I'll see when I can get around to it. What are your plans for the story? Are you going to revise it, or is this just a learning experience?

Hi Axiom, I'm just interested in a Review really. I'm going to correct any errors, make any little improvements I can think of and then add it to my collection of short stories. I'm not planning to develop it into a full length story or write any sequels or anything, I just appreciate feedback :)

 

Will do. I'll let you know what I think! I started someone else's but will get to yours afterwards. Expect something in the next few days as I have time.

The second critique has also been claimed.

If nobody's claiming the third critique, I'd love it if you could do mine. There is a very small possibility that I'll re-work this story into a larger non-cyoa one, but I'd mostly be happy for things to keep in mind for future works. I know some of the things I could improve (e.g. occasional wonky choice/repetition of words and phrases and the like), but it would be really useful to get some tips from someone else. 

Sounds good. If anyone else really wants a critique, let me know and maybe we can work something out.

Sexual favors for story reviews. I get you.

So how did you get her to write that review of your story? 

There are lots of children on this forum, please don't ask any questions that can only lead to X-rated answers.

Steve is a persuasive guy, what can I say.

I liked Romulus’ story the best so he wins.

I bet Bucky thought I wasn’t even going to bother to read them and I'd just pick Steve’s because he filled it up with swears and gore.

Granted, Steve did have the edge because of that, but ultimately I just felt Romulus captured the whole noir crime thing pretty well. Plus he said that helping Africa was a stupid thing to do, so that certainly helped him.

Anyway on to “the rest”

KKK: While some seemed to hate this story with the burning passion of one million suns, I actually was rather neutral about it. Vampire romance isn’t really something I’m into, but it probably could have scored more points with me if the protagonist had been Luca’s sister and they had sex in a tub of bloody corpses with human slaves chained up in the background or something.

WIBN: The story was amusing, but I think a story about actual Warrior Cows would have been funnier.

Will: While I know this was well written as usual and there really weren’t any flaws, for whatever reason I just couldn’t get into it. Kept rereading the same passages over and over and it just felt like a slog. You would think with all the Japanese and Chinese folks killing each other would hold my attention, but wasn’t doing it for me this time.

IronPanther: Pretty dedicated to writing a story all in rhyme. I think WIBN pointed out the main problem of the story feeling a bit off due to trying to rhyme everything and not quite succeeding in places. I wondered if this was inspired by that infamously bad film, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

Bilbo: I probably had a harder time paying attention to this one than I did Will’s. Probably also had the misfortune of being one the last stories I read and my eyes just started glazing over after a certain point. I really couldn’t find any flaws, it just wasn’t holding my attention.

Tim: Well at least he submitted what he had anyway I guess.

Mizal: She could have written the best thing in the world, but there was no way she was going to win her own contest. Plus it’s funny since she spent so much time writing and not getting any sleep.

Anyway, Romulus gets 5 points and everyone else gets nothing because there can be only one and hopefully Bucky knows better than to pick me to be a judge next time.

Well, at least I can hold on to the belief that I could've won if I finished mine.

Hey at least you wrote something. I know Malk and IAP had partial entries they weren't able to finish on time either. All of you making the effort, even if you didn't finish on time is worthy of a hi5 too. 

 

Before 3J came in and offered actual points Bucky's goal here was just to get people writing for the sake of writing. I know he's complained before that getting people to write on a writing site is like pulling teeth, and there really has been a lot of negativity and random derailments centered around so many of his previous attempts, so again, it's awesome people were able to get into the spirit of things this time.

Just to confirm, were you actually the mystery judge? If so, go ahead and give Romulus 140 points!

Yeah and done.

Yeah, End was the judge. Though it would have been pretty funny if he wrote all of that up and wasn't.

Congratulations @Romulus

EDIT: I'm entertaining guests this weekend, so you're specially crafted kind comment from me may have to wait until tomorrow. I don't want to do you a disservice. ^_^

Woohoo, thanks End! I have to admit, I was kinda expecting Will to win this. 

Congratulations to Romulus for winning the contest... The only regret I have is that I didn't know EM was the judge, for I totally would have pandered the story to his likings. :) Anyway, I was afraid that I'd get the mods angry if I did something that's clearly WC fanfiction instead of Warrior Cows, so I instead used it in a less direct manner.
Thank you EM for being the dark-lord of judging.

Thanks, End. You know I have to save the bloody tub orgies for a contest that results in gifts for people I actually like.

I really thought Steve had this entire contest rendered moot Day 1 so it was fantastic there were so many entries anyway and congrats Romulus for kicking that smug inhuman typing machine's ass.

 

The Africa comment was hilarious btw for reasons I'll get into when I'm more awake.

 

Though I enjoyed both Will and bilbo's stories quite a lot so lol this is called having an attention span I guess.

This whole thing actually came at a perfect time for me, I've been experimenting around with different writing methods to try and do something about my chronic lack of focus. IAP convinced me to try out Scrivener not long ago and that's been a good tool for outlining.

My entry was the first short story I'd completed with it (well, almost completed, the last section still definitely needs a less rushed and sleep deprived rewrite...) and the outline and notes I was working from were much more detailed and organized than my usual. Short summary, necessary plot points broken down step by step, setting notes, character notes, and I even had a diagram of a ship handy since I can never remember the difference between starboard and port, etc.  

If any of you aren't outlining your stories in advance btw, I really can't recommend it enough. I realized in hindsight that I could've written out all the dialogue heavy scenes in advance, and the prose would've been much faster and easier to power through later if I wound up in a rush.

One thing that's become clear to me is this is probably the last time I'll attempt to right a story linearly from start to finish. A good outline makes it unnecessary and the thing to do seems to be to put in placeholders any time you're just not feeling a scene, and then move on to a different section you do want to write. 

The version I posted wound up being a broken mess lol. There's no pain quite like taking the doc labeled 'rushed and bad' and being forced to staple it Frankenstein style onto the previous section I'd been pretty happy with, but it was nearing 6am by that point so I just slapped the whole thing onto the board, plot hole and all.

I'll definitely be rewriting the last section and adding some general polish, but since there's so much in my notes that never even made it into this version I'm thinking of expanding it and using it as the basis of my NaNoWriMo story. (The events in the short story were envisioned as being a part of a much larger adventure anyhow, and I already had the broad strokes of what happened before and after written down.)   

 Anyone else have anything go weird or wrong in their writing process? I know at least a couple of you have mentioned wanting to make improved or expanded versions too. 

Yes, I can't imagine ever going back to not planning now that I've become a religious outliner. It's just clearly the superior way to write as far as I'm concerned. I think a lot of the resistance to outlining comes because it's hard, not because anyone actually writes better without an outline.

I'm also a big fan of writing out of order. I'd encourage you to write the ending first, actually. You'll probably need to rewrite it when you get there, but having it in place lets you build up to it, and the ending makes or breaks a story. Seriously, it's the single most important part, so getting it right as soon as you can is extremely important.

You're making me want to check out Scrivener again. I'd love something more sophisticated than Google Docs, but I switch between devices a lot, so I need a cloud-based solution. But it does have a Mac and PC version iirc, so if the files are compatible, I could use Dropbox or something. I guess I can survive without writing on my phone (lol), or put it in a Google Doc and transfer it later.

One thing I'm going to need is nested outlines. Does Scrivener have anything that can do that, or am I going to have to get creative?

I was too cool to need the tutorial so I'm still being surprised by features I didn't know about lol. @TheNewIAP is a lot more familiar with what it's capable of.

It's all pretty customizable though, you can sort notes or other media files into folders, view them all as index cards from a 'corkboard' interface and you just highlight text and right click to set up links from one doc to another. There's some way to insert footnotes too. It lets you save custom templates once you have a setup you like,  

The same people have another program called Scapple I'll likely end up getting, it looks like just the thing for plotting out CYOAs.

One thing I'm going to need is nested outlines. Does Scrivener have anything that can do that, or am I going to have to get creative?

"The Binder" (which is just a basic tree-view) allows you to nest as many levels of Folders & Docs as you need. Just to make sure, I tested it by nesting alternating folders & text files twenty deep, put some text in both the text files & folders (as far as I can tell, they're interchangeable, they just have different icons for aesthetics / readability), moved 'em around, played with selections & views, etc. and everything worked exactly as expected.  It allows you to view everything in the hierarchy or just the item(s) (or "scrivenings") selected as one continuous document.

I don't know anything about "the cloud", but as far as writing tools go I've never seen anything that even comes close.  In my opinion, Scrivener is amazing.

Edit:  Okay, so the folders are collapsible where the text aren't.  They can also be converted back and forth without any loss, from the popup menu.

I also considered Scrivener. If you use it, let me know. I'd be interested in your opinion. There was another software I had been trying online that was free because it was in Beta testing, but I can't think of the name of it now. With Scrivener, you have the advantage of knowing you've already paid for it and own it, so your work is more protected than just a website hosting the service and offering a beta test of unknown length. For my novels I've been notoriously bad about outlining, but the more I write the more I need it, especially with series.

The one I'm using is the beta version for Linux which is free.  Abandoned, but free.

Maybe that was the one I tried? I eventually went back to Word. Sometimes it's best to stick with the simple, tried, and true methods. I've finished three novels that way, so I figure it's for the best. Then again, maybe if I had used software I would have finished six by now? Lol. Who knows? 

I'll let you know how my experience with it goes. I actually have more faith in the longevity of Google Docs than Scrivener, but Scrivener has been successful enough that I don't see it going anywhere.

Yes, you should totally outline. It can be very hard, but it's also very worth it to go to the effort, especially for a series. You can apply a three-act structure recursively so that different installments satisfy the different beats for the overarching plot as well as having their own three-act structure. I haven't seen it, but I read that Breaking Bad does this and it's a big part of why it's considered good.

My favorite version of the three-act structure is probably Blake Snyder's beat sheet in Save the Cat. Have you read it? If not, I strongly recommend it.

I have not. I'll have to look into that. I definitely plot events and keep a timeline, but my outlining up to this point has not been very "official."

Cool, let me know how you like it. It's definitely not perfect, and I would strongly recommend reading widely on the subject of structure, but I think it's a great starting point. It is written for film, though, so take it with a grain of salt.

I don't really outline, but I usually have some general ideas in the back of my mind about plot elements and events that I want to happen in the story, and sometimes a very general idea of how I want to end it. Then I just start writing at the beginning, improvise a lot, jot down a few good-sounding sentences/paragraphs that popped into my head while writing but don't fit into the part I'm writing yet, and continue writing where I left.

After I'm just about done, I'll then read back what I've written, change some phrases, insert or change some small things for continuity, fore-shadowing, etc. And then quickly publish it before doubt sets in about the quality of what I've written.

And of course procrastinate a lot in between if it's a big project for which I have lots of time... 

I would definitely recommend trying to outline more, especially for long stories. I think you'll find it improves the quality of your work a lot. Repeating my earlier recommendation of Save the Cat here if you haven't read it.

A few quick thank you notes before serving @Romulus with his reward:



Thank you @EndMaster for acting as the super special secret judge, even if it was rather obvious who I had in mind to fill the role.

Thank you @Axiom for providing detailed feedback to entrants as an extra incentive/reward.

Thank you @JJJ-thebanisher for approving the well earned point reward for the winner.

Thank you @Steve24833 ; @mizal ; @WouldntItBeNice ; @KitKatKaity ; @Will11 ; @IronPanther ; @bilbo ; @Tim36D for participating. Together, we can make CYS GREAT AGAIN.

And I would even like to express a thank you to the others out there who made honest effort towards a story but couldn’t finish. The goal of this contest was to help bring the focus to the true purpose of the site and spur an onslaught of writing within the community. I hope all of you keep at your stories, finish and polish them until they reach your desired end. @Seto ; @TheNewIAP ; @Malkalack ; @Betaband ; @Shadowhills ; @Ivy-Whatever-The-Hell-You-Are-Now ; I hope to see you enter the next monthly contest.

*Shakes fist at Ivy.



Now, onto the winner, and thus, the only person that really matters.

So - I was debating between going for absolute overkill and blissful under-delivery for the contest winner’s rare kind comment. It has been largely suggested that I should go for the laughable overkill, though I think the under-delivery would be far more hilarious. But sadly, I don’t actually know Romulus that well, and I don’t know if I could do an overkill kind comment justice.

Which means, I’ll just have to go with an honest kind comment instead.

From the little I do know of Romulus, he has always struck me as a level headed and considerate member of the community. And as this contest has undoubtedly proven, a fantastic writer.

I haven’t had the opportunity to read through all of the entries yet - I’m working on it don’t worry - as I had a busy weekend of adventure. But Romulus’s story was among those I have had the chance to read, and it does not surprise me in the least that it was selected as the contest winner. This contest winner - which I shall continue to refer as “Screw Africa: Mizal Needs a Present” until Romulus shares its proper title - carries both strong voice and vivid imagery throughout. The narration breathed life, revealing a believable protagonist with realistic charm and humanly flaws. And let us not forget the memorable phrases, such as, “interactive adult entertainment.”

It is an unquestioned fact in my mind that Romulus made the correct choice in pledging his philanthropy to Mizal’s Christmas over the poor, needy children of Africa. Yet another testament to his wisdom.

I eagerly look forward to more of Romulus’s works and earnestly hope he participates in future contests. If the monthly contests become a sticking thing at CYS, I believe Romulus will always hold a place of honor for victoriously smiting the competition in the pilot and bringing writing and story discussion back to CYS.

Also, Romulus, your avatar is pretty cool.

~ Bucky

I'd like to say, fuck the bitches who couldn't finish, they disgust me on a physical level. Well done to Romulus, it was a very entertaining story and you deserved the saucy point prize, and I'm sure you're waiting patiently for Bucky's handcrafted compliment, which better not be those few niceities he sprouted in the above post. Speaking of, thank you Bucky for organizing this, it was really great even if it was just an obvious attempt to get in Mizal's pants. It's good to see this site's getting more writing-orientated rather than just endless shitty forum games, thanks End for judging and shit and Axiom for her great work critiquing my story and others and crushing my writing spirit,

~ Steve, because we're apparently doing this now, like massive fags.

I think I know who to nominate to give the next kind compliment ^_^

Thanks Bucky! I kinda had already prepared for an over the top, so-sweet-it-gave-me-diabetes kind of compliment, but I do really appreciate the honest, kind comment version. Now, does anyone know what I can do with all this insulin I stockpiled in advance?

 

Okay, all the critiques have been posted. Check the threads of WIBN, Will, and Romulus if you want to read them. I think they have advice that's probably useful for more than just the authors of those stories, so they may be worth checking out, especially Romulus's.

Congratulations, Mizal got her Christmas present yesterday. Your efforts were not in vain.