-A young girl is spending some time at her friend's house. She starts to explain some problems she's been having with her boyfriend. "You see, he's got this really bad dandruff. I have no idea what to do about it."
The friend snapped her fingers, "Easy, just give him Head and Shoulders."
"Oh. How do you give shoulders?"
-Two men, both devoted Christians, are arguing about what race God is. The black man starts with his idea, "God is black, it's the only logical answer. The Hebrews were black too, if you do your research. They all lived in the middle-east, and around Africa. There's no way you can't be dark-skinned over there.
The white man laughs, "No, God is white. Why is Jesus and he almost always depicted as fair-skinned in paintings?" Their argument goes on like this for years, and the two men become good friends.
Somehow, they both die at the same time, and eventually get to heaven. Wasting no time, the men approach God and ask their question. "You see, we have been debating this for a very long time. Almost all of our years on Earth, we argued about what race you are. Can you tell us what color you are, Lord?"
God's light shines, and a booming voice replies, "I am what I am." Being God, he could literally say anything and people would have to accept it.
"I guess we'll never know," The black man frowns.
"No, he's white." The white man interjects.
"How?"
The white man smiles,"If he was black he would have said, 'I is what I is."
-A group of women walk into a bar, and one of them orders a drink with ice. The bartender grabs the ice with his bare hands and drops it into the drink. The woman is disgusted by this. "I don't know where your hands have been! I demand a new drink, and for you to pick up the ice with the ice tongs!"
The bartender frowns, "But my hands are clean! I've been keeping them sanitized all day!"
"Use the ice tongs." The woman commands.
The man conforms and makes a new drink and uses the ice tongs for the ice. Afterwards, the rest of the group notices that the man has a string on his fly zipper. "What's that string for?"
"Ah, I've been trying to keep my hands clean, so I use the string to unzip my pants." The bartender nods.
"How do you," one of the women pauses, "pull 'it' out without your hands?"
"Oh, I use the ice tongs."
-A man has been stranded on an island for nearly twenty years, and is finally discovered. After a few days, a group of reporters ask for a tour around the island. He leads them through the beaches, the jungle, and eventually to a clearing with three wooden buildings.
One of the curious reporters pipes up with, "What are those buildings over there?"
The man smiles and laughs. "I built those myself!" He leads the group over to the first building. "You see, this is the first thing I built. It's my house. I sleep here, and keep most of my things inside." He then leads them to the next building and explains, "This is my church. I come here to worship my god." The reporters take notes ad mumble amongst themselves.
"What about that other building?" The same curious reporter asks.
The man rolls his eyes, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
-A southwestern town in America has a horrendous pigeon problem. Pigeons are everywhere you can imagine, and bird poop paints nearly all the buildings and cars of the town. The mayor knows that the pigeons must be eliminated somehow. He gathers all the town exterminators in the town hall, but none of them can come up with a solution that won't affect any of the townspeople. Things look grim, and many of the people fear that the pigeons will never leave.
On one fateful day, during a fateful meeting, a haggard man bursts through the doors. In his hands is a small cage, covered with a tattered blanket. "Hello, all! I know we all know that we're practically drowning in pigeons. But fear not! I have a solution!" He reaches for the cage, and removes the blanket. Inside the cage is a beautiful red pigeon. The mayor and the exterminators pay close attention to the man, unsure of what to think.
"That sounds crazy!" An exterminator interjects.
"Ah, but it is! This red pigeon is a natural leader! Due to it's crippling beauty, all pigeons will follow it wherever it goes. I know that my red pigeon will fly away, and lead all of these vermin away from our town! However, this will be at a steep price of one million dollars!"
The mayor, devoid of almost all hope, accepts the man's offer. "Good!" The haggard man laughs, and releases the red pigeon. The crimson bird soars out of the room, and into the town, gathering all the pigeons and leading them far away.
The mayor watches in awe as the flock of pigeons fly off into oblivion. "That worked great! Even better than I expected!" He turns to the haggard man, "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
