This is part of a personal effort to write out every joke I know, or have heard. Feel free to do the same. I'll add more jokes periodically as I have time.
-What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
-Did you hear about the guy who kept a stick of dynamite in his tire repair kit? He thought that if he ever got a flat, he could just blow up his tires.
-A bear is chasing a squirrel through the forest. The bear isn't hungry enough to go after a deer or something similar, but decides that the squirrel will make a nice snack. In some strange turn of fate, the squirrel spots a golden lamp at the base of a tree. Knowing exactly what kind of lamp it is, the squirrel rubs the lamp furiously. In a glorious display of smoke and lights, a genie appears right as the bear catches up.
The genie looks at the bear and the squirrel, scratching his head. "I've never had to serve two people at the same time before," The genie nods his head and continues, "However, Bear, because you are larger you shall have the first wish. And, as tradition demands, you both may have three wishes."
The bear forgets about eating the squirrel entirely, and clasps his paws together. "I wish," The bear begins, "That all the bears in a ten kilometer radius (excluding myself) were female." The bear licks his chops with excitement.
The genie snaps his fingers and makes it so. "It is done. Your turn, squirrel."
The squirrel answers blankly, "I want a motorcycle."
The genie nods, and a motorcycle materializes near the squirrel. The bear seems to be repulsed by the squirrel's wish. "Dude, what kind of lame wish is that?"
"Hey, I don't tell you ?what to wish for." At this, the bear simply shakes his head.
The genie points to the bear, "Next wish, buddy."
A smug grin forms on the bear's face, "I wish that all the bears (excluding myself) in the country were female!"
The genie snaps his fingers, and makes it so. "Squirrel?"
The squirrel shrugs, "I want a motorcycle helmet." A motorcycle helmet appears atop the motorcycle. The bear scoffs.
The genie turns to the bear, "Alright Bear, last wish. Make it count."
The bear's smug grin morphs into a grimace of pure unfiltered beastly lust. A dark and powerful aura surrounds the bear as he raises his paw and prepares to speak. "Y'know what? I wish, that all the bears (excluding myself) in the ENTIRE WORLD were female!"
The genie, unsurprised, snaps his fingers and makes it so. "Okay squirrel, what'll it be?"
The squirrel looks at the genie, then at his motorcycle and helmet, and finally at the bear. He leaps atop his vehicle, adjusts the helmet to fit his head, and revs the engine a bit. "I wish, that the bear WAS GAY!"
- Little Timmy was in his room at night, trying to go to sleep. His door creaked open, and he turned to see who it was. He could only make out a thin and tall man, standing in his doorway. "Dad? Is that you?" Timmy was a bit afraid.
The man flipped on the switch to the light, and for a moment, Timmy though the man was his father, but realized something was a bit off. It then came to him. The man looked like him, but older! "Wait, you look just like me!"
A smile grew on the man's face, "Why yes, I'm you from the future!"
Timmy's eyes grew like saucers, "What do I do in the future? What's it like? And most importantly, what do I become?" Timmy was very exited, and stood up in his bed.
The man simply closed the door behind him with a grin and answered, "A pedophile."
Why is a Nazi so good at soccer?
Because he plays with one ball!
Omg, I laughed so much I though I was gonna suffocate..the last one killed me!!
This is the funniest joke in the world (2002) by Internet standards...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
These are hilarious! Let me dig up some shit joke from somewhere.
Aha! Got one. What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK! Rolling.
-A young girl is spending some time at her friend's house. She starts to explain some problems she's been having with her boyfriend. "You see, he's got this really bad dandruff. I have no idea what to do about it."
The friend snapped her fingers, "Easy, just give him Head and Shoulders."
"Oh. How do you give shoulders?"
-Two men, both devoted Christians, are arguing about what race God is. The black man starts with his idea, "God is black, it's the only logical answer. The Hebrews were black too, if you do your research. They all lived in the middle-east, and around Africa. There's no way you can't be dark-skinned over there.
The white man laughs, "No, God is white. Why is Jesus and he almost always depicted as fair-skinned in paintings?" Their argument goes on like this for years, and the two men become good friends.
Somehow, they both die at the same time, and eventually get to heaven. Wasting no time, the men approach God and ask their question. "You see, we have been debating this for a very long time. Almost all of our years on Earth, we argued about what race you are. Can you tell us what color you are, Lord?"
God's light shines, and a booming voice replies, "I am what I am." Being God, he could literally say anything and people would have to accept it.
"I guess we'll never know," The black man frowns.
"No, he's white." The white man interjects.
The white man smiles,"If he was black he would have said, 'I is what I is."
-A group of women walk into a bar, and one of them orders a drink with ice. The bartender grabs the ice with his bare hands and drops it into the drink. The woman is disgusted by this. "I don't know where your hands have been! I demand a new drink, and for you to pick up the ice with the ice tongs!"
The bartender frowns, "But my hands are clean! I've been keeping them sanitized all day!"
"Use the ice tongs." The woman commands.
The man conforms and makes a new drink and uses the ice tongs for the ice. Afterwards, the rest of the group notices that the man has a string on his fly zipper. "What's that string for?"
"Ah, I've been trying to keep my hands clean, so I use the string to unzip my pants." The bartender nods.
"How do you," one of the women pauses, "pull 'it' out without your hands?"
"Oh, I use the ice tongs."
-A man has been stranded on an island for nearly twenty years, and is finally discovered. After a few days, a group of reporters ask for a tour around the island. He leads them through the beaches, the jungle, and eventually to a clearing with three wooden buildings.
One of the curious reporters pipes up with, "What are those buildings over there?"
The man smiles and laughs. "I built those myself!" He leads the group over to the first building. "You see, this is the first thing I built. It's my house. I sleep here, and keep most of my things inside." He then leads them to the next building and explains, "This is my church. I come here to worship my god." The reporters take notes ad mumble amongst themselves.
"What about that other building?" The same curious reporter asks.
The man rolls his eyes, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
-A southwestern town in America has a horrendous pigeon problem. Pigeons are everywhere you can imagine, and bird poop paints nearly all the buildings and cars of the town. The mayor knows that the pigeons must be eliminated somehow. He gathers all the town exterminators in the town hall, but none of them can come up with a solution that won't affect any of the townspeople. Things look grim, and many of the people fear that the pigeons will never leave.
On one fateful day, during a fateful meeting, a haggard man bursts through the doors. In his hands is a small cage, covered with a tattered blanket. "Hello, all! I know we all know that we're practically drowning in pigeons. But fear not! I have a solution!" He reaches for the cage, and removes the blanket. Inside the cage is a beautiful red pigeon. The mayor and the exterminators pay close attention to the man, unsure of what to think.
"That sounds crazy!" An exterminator interjects.
"Ah, but it is! This red pigeon is a natural leader! Due to it's crippling beauty, all pigeons will follow it wherever it goes. I know that my red pigeon will fly away, and lead all of these vermin away from our town! However, this will be at a steep price of one million dollars!"
The mayor, devoid of almost all hope, accepts the man's offer. "Good!" The haggard man laughs, and releases the red pigeon. The crimson bird soars out of the room, and into the town, gathering all the pigeons and leading them far away.
The mayor watches in awe as the flock of pigeons fly off into oblivion. "That worked great! Even better than I expected!" He turns to the haggard man, "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
So this is what you do with your free time. I think I understand you a bit more now, Zag.
I don't even understand myself. But yes, I do enjoy jokes.
:D Zag. I am so fucking proud of you right now.
What do you call a flying Jew?
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one who ever had a dream was shot.
How do you kill a one-legged fox?
Make it run around Canada.
What did the mother say to her son before he went on his school field trip to the zoo?
- A particular blind girl walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
- A roman walks into a bar holding up two fingers. "Five beers, please."
- Two guys walk into a bar. The first one asks for some H2O, hoping to seem intelligent. The other dude, not wanting to look dumb says, "I'd like some H2O too."
- Second dude fucking dies.
-Why are medieval times called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!
-A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-What cell service did the nun in wheel chair use? Virgin mobile!
-One atom says to another, "an electron just walked by." The other atom replied, "are you sure?" The first atom said, "I'm positive!"
-What do you call a bear with a degree? Koalafied!
-My dad always used to say, "fight fire with fire," which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
-There was a time when I considered being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But in a situation like that, you really have to ask yourself: "have I been offered this job?"
-Old people at weddings poke me and say, "you're next!" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-Did you hear about the man who worked as a scarecrow? He was outstanding in his field!
-I saw a girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
-I told my ex I wanted to kill her and she told me I needed professional help. I figured she was right, so I hired a hitman.
-People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true, I saw two New Yorkers, total strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and radio, the other guy took the engine.
For some reason I really liked the scarecrow one.
I like the ex one. xD