GOL'BURGER

Initial Thoughts / First Page Review:

One thing the Author does really well within the first page is characterising the protagonist Thomas as an actual child. Many times when people write child characters they appear almost totally indistinct from the adults in their stories in how they act and talk. Milton does a great job at conveying Thomas's innocence through a number of angles, the most easy to spot definitely being the giddiness and sense of innocence he emits when he gets told by his dad they will go to golburger for a treat. I could feel and imagine his childlike excitement within the first page. Our dad is painted as a man who genuinely cares about his child, and when he notices the trip didn't really bring much for his child he decides to make a detour for him, which definitely adds some relatability to him and in general makes him appear as a 'good guy'.

Story Structure and Plot Points:

Page two has a really big time skip, this time skip felt a little sudden for me, and I couldn't help but feel as though there should have been something showing its a timeskip such as something as simple as saying '15 years later' at the top of the page (i know you put it in the title, but in the actual text too would be nice). The sudden shift took me back a bit due to how unexpected it was and it took me a second to realise what was going on in my initial confusion. A bit of a nitpick, but it would be nice to know where our mother is in all this (you address this later in the story but it being earlier on would have been smoother). Just that little bit more about our family dynamic would just make the world feel that bit more 'alive'. Part of the suddenness and confusion about the time skip is due to our dad no longer being around, if in the first page there were hints dropped about his declining health, the transition to the timeskip would have been significantly smoother.


Characterization:

"You remember the first image you had of him: a tall, proud man with a decent collection of dark hair, with some salt and pepper colouring to accent the profile. Now, he's clearly battling with his age with head foliage that barely clings to his scalp. The only thing that seems to be left is the subtle dignity he still carries in his elderly state."

This description of AL is particularly well done. It provides just enough physical detail while leaving room for imagination.

Each cast member has a distinctive voice:

Caulton comes across as narcissistic and extremely self-assured

Al is portrayed as assertive and a wise older man

Thomas, the protagonist, struggles with imposter syndrome and desires to live up to his Father's shadow, making him relatable and setting up potential character development

In the end I feel like even in the ‘good’ ending Thomas still never really demonstrates significant change from when he began at the board meeting in terms of his character, it would have been a nice touch if his feelings were explored a little bit more about the ‘plot twist’.

Tone and Style:

The story manages to balance unnerving and humorous elements well, particularly during the meeting with Al and the subsequent chase scene if you choose to flee. It's both a dystopian seeming horror but in a way which is comedic, Milton does a great job at walking the silver lining here.

Branching and Replay Value:

The story offers only 4 different endings, with the 'bad' endings being very similar to each other. The branching could have been more extensive, with potential paths like toppling Golburger, becoming the new boss, or some sort of other exciting plot twist potential.

Final Thoughts:

While it's a short but enjoyable story, the plot could have had more variety and higher stakes. The main flaws lie in the limited branching options and lack of plot depth and development. Overall rating: 5/8 - a decent story to read with some notable areas for improvement.

Well, this storygame didn't end the way I expected it to!

I liked the opening scene of the storygame, with the memory of the player character spending time with his father. And then it switches to the present day, after the player character's father has recently passed away.

I really liked the transition from the past to the present day to begin with, and being unfocused during a meeting is definitely something I can empathise with!

I think I would have liked to see more of the wider world outside of the board meetings. For instance, it would have been good to see the storyline with the GOL'BURGER location explored further. I was completely confused about why the Glasgow location acted in the way they did, and the other paths I explored didn't really explain what was going on with that, compared to the other endings I reached.

I did enjoy reading this storygame and exploring the different paths, though I didn't feel the storygame was long enough for me to fully understand what was going on. And the other endings I explored were definitely intriguing, but the first one caught me completely by surprise; perhaps because I didn't see that one of the tags was horror.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this storygame and would have liked to see more of the world involved. It was easy to read and entertaining for what it was. Thank you for sharing this!

Overall: The story is decent, just has some less interesting moments. But I liked it.

Characters:
The MC is okay I guess. His only real trait seems to be that he misses his dad
The dad is a classic dad. Very realistic
Al doesn’t seem very characterized to me
Other characters are existent and mostly useful
4/8

SPAG: Some mistakes. Did you know if you write a piece of dialogue followed by a comma then a tag and then finish the dialogue, you don’t need to capitalize the second part of the dialogue? Example: “This,” Fresh says, “is an example.”
Anyway, altogether I’d say 4/8 for SPAG

Branching: Some issues with tracking the decisions I’ve made. My actions have minor impact on the future from what I can tell. 4/8

Plot: It’s interesting at times, kinda boring at others. Started strong-ish and began to drag out more towards the end. 4/8

Total: Oh. I have everything the same rating. That’s useful. 4/8

**other comments**
I really like the opening lines

I like that we get a sense of where we are right away, but in a colorful way. Not just “you’re close to Canada”

I love Montana

I think the title of “a plain plain” is claimed by Kansas

Sigh. A lot of commas. However…
> “She's weird, and she brings those stupid cats with her, all of them coughing up hair, her included!”
There’s a problem with coherency here. I’m not gonna blame the commas. Not gonna do it. Though I will say splitting it into two sentences would probably improve that.

>”He seemed really happy that you wanted to go with him, but seems sad knowing that you're not having any fun.”
I’d suggest not using forms of “seem” when describing emotions (especially twice in a row). This is telling, not showing.

>”Then, he turns to you, looking at your dejected expression, saying, "Hey, want to get some food?"”
The tenses in this are weird. Maybe “Then he turns to you and, looking at your dejected expression, says “Hey, you want to get some food?”” or possibly “Then, turning to you and looking at your dejected expression, he says “Hey, you want to get some food?””

>”The drive couldn't be short enough. You can't help but bounce in your seat constantly the whole way there, and you haven't even had any soda, or pop as the locals say.”
I’d say “pop” should be in quotes. Also the “couldn’t” is the wrong tense.

What’s the difference between true American cheese and… false American cheese? Genuinely curious

>”Your stomach conforms with your desire, partitioning space for an eagerly-awaited, returning guest.”
Actually, verified, for real, there shouldn’t be a comma after “awaited”

There’s a town in Montana called Glasgow? How did you know this?

The dad died? Or did you just steal his spot on the board?

“Typewriter” is one word

>”Right foot goes back, hand is cocked, wind up, twist the torso and launch! Just like you've imagined it in your head, it all happens in less than a second.”
Actually, if you want the action to seem more fast-paced, shorter sentences are suggested.

>”Unlike your fantasy, he's not knocked out and doesn't stay down soon. Caulton picks himself up.”
You ended that first sentence in the wrong spot.

I get to just move on after punching a dude in the face? Ok. Also, not him running away crying. Lol

The PROPER punctuation to use when splitting parts of sentences using a dash is an em-dash: —. Really long dash; the longest. You use hyphens: -. Really short dash; the shortest. Those are supposed between two numbers in a range.

Dialogue feels really clunky and awkward throughout the story

Ah, funeral. So the dad is dead. Man, you sure didn’t wait to take his place

> “No, it's not," Al retorts. "David was a great man! I-I miss him. I miss him a lot already. I can't imagine how you must feel right now."
You never knew your mother. She died giving birth to you. You're thankful Dad never seemed to blame you for it.”
Seems a weird place for you to bring up your mother.

I’d like a little more info before deciding how much change Gol’Burger needs.

I somehow managed to get two unclickable links to go to William’s office to appear at the same time. Hm.

I got the “better not keep your boss waiting” text on the end of the page when I have, in fact, already talked with my boss

Two links to go to the meeting. One kills me, one does not. Interesting.

Umm… the mascots terrify me.
“Goodie Gold” is bold and the rest aren’t. Weird

This ends my motivation for specific commentary.

So this had an excellent premise. The interaction between the main character and his father was wholesome, and the time skip to the boy being a grown man in his father’s position is remarkable.

No punctuation or grammatical mistakes that I could see.

What I didn’t like, was when this started out being a story about rebuilding the company, as was promised, then turned into a story about the company being ruled by mascots. Curves in the plot are always welcomed and even recommended: when they’re done smoothly. This wasn’t as seamless as it could’ve been, but it wasn’t obtrusive either.

The ending where the main character goes back to the restaurant where he and his dad were at, and everything’s so different? THAT got to me. It was so peaceful there as a child, and now it’s just like every other shitty fast food place and gas station, and well, just anywhere that deal with customers. Employees trying to shove a half dozen offers and promotions in your face, screaming, rude people crowded around the front… and the worst part is, the protagonist is one of the main ones responsible for the complete crapfest his childhood memories have become.

All in all, a solid 5/8.

Fun read. Could use a verbal read through to catch the extraneous words and strange sentence structure that is scattered throughout. The death endings I found were surprising and abrupt, I was not expecting the mascot turn either.

Fun story.

I really liked this story on the first pass through, and will have to play again to try a few different paths.

SPOILERS









The depths of disappointment I felt when I found out the delicious sounding number 9 scene was all just a memory cannot be put into words. I was actually getting hungry. I think I'll be frying up my own smashburgers tonight...


What I liked: This one went in quite an unexpected direction lol. I was enjoying the role-play of improving a fast food business. Boy did I not expect to be confronted with real restaurant mascot characters, or to actually end up on the menu. I suppose succulent human flesh would explain how delicious this restaurant's food is, though.

What I didn't like: Weirdly, the very same thing as the above. The strange twist was entertaining, but it also kind of robs the reader of the business adventure the story promises to be in the beginning. I think maybe I should follow all the paths to be sure I have a clear picture of what's going on.


In summary, this story has good descriptions (enough to make you nostalgic for childhood McDonalds or Dairy Queen adventures), and some nicely defined characters. It has a fun twist that is both good and bad, depending on what you wanted out of the story as a reader. I thought the twist was hysterical. Regardless, I want a cheeseburger now.

I really liked the twist! This was fun. Seriously good job, I liked how all the different characters had their own individual personalities and didn't seem like cutouts meant to fill space. I also like your writing style, well done

Positively wild. I bet I could crochet these mascots.

Haha, kidding. Not bad, especially given the length. Even though it was short, I felt like I got to see quite a lot. Different characters' personalities and the stories between them. The combination of heavy, ominous foreboding with somber reflections on personal relationships reminded me a little bit of Bradbury. Also like him, the storytelling here subtly rises without being in your face too quickly - like strange shadows seen out of place. Chilling.

Great story with a nice twist. The story was compelling enough to make me do multiple playthroughs and try all the options.

<<Spoilers ahead>>

When I first completed it, the twist literally made my jaw drop. It was only after that did I notice the sneaky horror tag that the author added to the story.

I guess my one gripe would be that there's no way to team up with Will and get a happy ending where you restore Gol'burger's original cooking practices. I am always partial to trying to get a reasonably happy ending in any game I play, but maybe that's just a subjective opinion.