Those Ever-Grinding Teeth

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description opens with an ominous line about hungry fish. There appears to be a good number of endings with varying levels of success, all depending on whether the protagonist stops a death cult and kills the fish. This creates a goal and introduces the main antagonists of the storygame.

As for the first page, it grounds readers in the setting, creating immersion through sensory details like "ever-constant sound of gnawing". The worldbuilding is unique and realistic. Since the fish are blind, the only way they can get food is to hope it comes to them, therefore their teeth never stop grinding. There's a strong sense of atmosphere as well. The fish are antagonistic in nature: the grinding of bone on bone drives inhabitants mad, tears through the hull of boats, and kills all other fish, depriving them of much needed food. Needless to say, they pose a large problem to the island dwellers. There is a slight infodump but it is well written and relevant to the plot, so I don't particularly mind.

The first page then establishes the stakes: these inhabitants have requested aid, but every one of their adventurers went missing and couldn't stop the fish. Lastly, it introduces the protagonist once the situation has been set up: he is an adventurer and his goal is to deal with the threat. And this ties together all the buildup of the setting and the stakes; the antagonists and the victims.

WRITING STYLE & WORLDBUILDING

The info-link is written in the style of a study, even citing a primary source of a victim who encountered the fish. They're painted as bloodthirsty, monstrous creatures, befitting the horror genre of this story. This build-up creates anticipation; the fish are known to be dangerous before the protagonist ever meets them. His emotional except invokes sympathy in the reader.

By contrast, the rest of this page is written in a more formal, objective writing style. It includes scientific terms, e.g. echolocation, gametes and oviposition. This shows the author has done their research. Usually, horror comes from not knowing enough about the villain. But this storygame subverts that trope well, as the more readers find out about these fish, the more scary they appear. Everything about them, from their cannibalistic 'mating' process to their low mortality rate leading to exponential population growth, makes them more of a formidable antagonist. The words used to describe them reflect this: "scourge" and "impossible to eradicate".

Choice of diction is employed well when describing the seas surrounding the island. Only one boat is willing to take the protagonist across. The sun's rays are "brutal", the island is a "fungus-like growth" and there's the repetition of "grinding" of the teeth.

Then, the people panic, with words like "yelling", "rush", "frantically" and "icy grip" conveying the urgency of the situation. It's implied strongly what happens next, though not explicitly stated until the next page.

I noticed a slight adverbs overuse on some pages, so using strong verbs may help. There are also a few missing words, i.e. "Better to die for a worthy than to die having done nothing".

The worldbuilding surrounding religion is fascinating. There are a few different sea gods and to make an offering, a vial of sea water is poured over the altar and it drains into the grille.

When I read the description of the inn, I liked how it mirrors the modern world but is personalized to fit the setting. For example, the men throw darts at a picture of a swamp fish. Poverty affects the people, as can be seen by how the bartender doesn't give the protagonist a room until bribed with a coin and the other customers don't reveal information until bribes with alcohol. This makes the setting feel lived in and consistent.

Action scenes are well written. Aside from just providing a blow-by-blow description of what occurs, it interweaves the protagonist's thoughts, feelings and observations. For instance, the protagonist runs towards the tree line (action), spurred by terror (emotion and motivation), then notices the cultists dispersing (tension dies down/ consequence of action). It leads to a chain of causation of events.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The swamp fish are the main antagonists. They are characterized as being very fearsome---even their 'weakness', being blind, is made up for by their extremely strong sense of smell and their ability to detect motion. Moreover, they are known killers, never satisfied as they devour more and more victims.

Conversely, the protagonist's mission is to stop them. He can completely change his ideals and personality based on choices, like whether he sacrifices himself, finds a way for them all to make it, or murders someone so the rest of them can live. While this lack of a consistent character does mean character development may be limited, it also gives way to a wider variety of endings as mentioned in the description. That works as this is a more plot-focused storygame.

The introduction paints a picture of the setting and world. Next, there's the arrival at the island, which is the protagonist's first encounter with the fish. It serves to emphasize how strong the antagonists are, as most of the choices lead to at least one death, though sometimes there are more. It reinforces the terror and pessimism that the inhabitants must feel.

Pacing is done well: after this fast paced, high tension scene, there is a slower pace as the protagonist walks through the village of Grent. But this is not without tension---it comes from the villagers, as they're all highly suspicious of the protagonist, viewing him with hostility. The people are characterized by poverty, desperation and hunger. Everything reinforces this consistent theme, from their ragged clothes to those roasting a dog over a fireplace. They are yet another reminder of the impact that the fish have on this island's inhabitants.

At first, I thought that killing the cultists immediately was sudden and abrupt, but then I realized it is somewhat fitting of the protagonist's personality. It is previously established that he is religious as one of the choices on the ship was to pray. And here, he knows the customs and offerings to the sea gods. Then he finds, in that temple, people who are not only worshiping an evil entity, but one that looks like the antagonistic fish that is the root cause of the problems. So he goes into somewhat of a religious frenzy, as they desecrated a holy place with idol worship of a being that is at the core of what this religion despises.

The story involves a degree of investigation as the protagonist searches for information about the fish. He meets the fishermen, with holes in their nets, torn apart by the fish. But there are moments of high stakes and tensions to keep the story suspenseful rather than merely have the protagonist gather information. One such instance is Loen, a lone man who heads out to sea and is attacked by the fish. The protagonist may choose whether to help him. Doing so leads to more information about one of the fish's weaknesses: when there are multiple people in the water, causing different vibrations, they would be confused.

Jared is a character foil and minor antagonist. In a way, he has a parallel narrative, as he started with the same purpose as the protagonist. But he failed. He was driven to insanity, resulting in a corruption arc where he perpetuated the very thing he once sought to destroy. At least with his death, the protagonist discovers more information and heads to Raal, hoping to avoid that same fate.

During the tense action scenes, the author mastered story goals and scene goals. A story goal is the protagonist's overarching aim; in this case, it is to stop the fish and cultists. They're portrayed as very evil given that they sacrifice a baby. But in each scene, especially as part of a larger fight, there is a different scene goal. One of them is to escape, another is to free the baby, and a third to eradicate the cultists. There are choices for each stage with consequences of either success or failure. This makes the victory over the cultists all the more satisfying

When saving the little girl, it was a nice touch that the protagonist used the same method as saving the fisherman, by causing vibrations in the water to confuse the fish.

Barrick is another one character who came to stop the fish, but ended up losing his legs, his livelihood and his love. I noticed a theme where saving people leads to better outcomes. Evelyn provides important information about how she introduced the fish to this ecosystem, having pitied it. I can relate, as when I was younger, there were a few boys who always threw bottles at some snails in our school so I rescued one and brought it home. My parents made me release it. Apparently, it has homing instincts so it returns to our house every few months, sometimes with its family (once there were two, then the next time, both of them came with tiny little snails and I felt like a proud grandmother lol). But I'm getting side tracked, so let's return to the review.

When it comes to fighting, this storygame realistically depicts the protagonist's strength. He may win some battles, but in others, he ends up defeated so it is best to avoid conflict unless necessary.

Slight nitpick: I would have liked a bit more information about which herb to pick, as it felt like somewhat of a guessing game. Maybe there was something I missed though.

It's interesting to see what the different herbs do. The [spoiler], as expected given their characterization, makes the fish go mad. The [spoiler] doesn't do anything, which makes sense as it's easiest to access. Using the [spoiler] makes the water glow and the [spoiler] kills them.

In the true ending, the protagonist successfully rid the town of the fish. It thematically fits given all the messages and acts of heroism. The reaction of the village juxtaposes that of the start.

Overall, this was a fun read with many paths to explore, though I'm not sure what I can do with the swamp fish-tooth. Yet, it does make sense to just keep it as a relic and, as it mentions, a good luck charm. I enjoyed this storygame and it kept me entertained during a long car ride.

This is certainly a compelling story with an interesting setting. The unthinking, restless horror that the swamp fish make creates a sense of foreboding and dread that is well tended to throughout. It's an especially good premise as the ocean itself often is representative of terror and mystery.

Some of the things I appreciated in this story is the depth of description that goes into the fish and setting. The fish were terrifying death machines, but had enough weaknesses that it made sense that our protag could potentially survive. It was also a good call making them potentially cannibalistic, because without that, I would often have been given to wondering how they don't overfeed and end up starving themselves out. I also like the thought that you gave to the town and temple. I have no doubt that you had a clear image in your head. They seem completely believable.

I also want to quickly say that you wrote in one of my favorite kinds of action sequences. An absolute slaughter where nobody fights back and they all just let it happen. I enjoyed it a bit too much.

There were a few issues I had with the story. The one that frustrated me the most was that on the way to Raal, when you get put in a cage, it's an eternal loop. That should probably be fixed. It also seemed like there weren't any characters that really got a chance to shine, which is unfortunate. The story definitely could have used a chance to breathe and have a bit more social dynamics. There were also a few places where some key information isn't given. The one that stands out to me the most was that it was never described how the protag found the secret staircase in the temple. It made the whole progression feel weird.

All in all, it was interesting and fun, but needs a little work to be more coherent. I had a good time reading it.

Overall I did like the story. Here are a few thoughts that I had while reading it.
I liked the opening page and how it set the scene. You stayed pretty consistent with the tone of the story(At least in the path I read), so that was good. Your vocabulary was nice too, although I will admit that I had to look up a word, lol. That reminds me that I really need to work on my vocab.
When you were talking about the fish in the beginning, there was some contradiction. You said repeatedly that they live in the swamp, and even once that they can only live in the swamp ("May they remain confined to the swamp, for if they were to get loose, only the gods could help us"), but when the ship sails into the island, it's attacked. Now, because this is an island, I'm assuming that it's surrounded by water and not swamp. The fact that there are fish in the water attacking the boat says that either this is an island that's surrounded by swamp, or that the fish can indeed be in the ocean/other bodies of water.
I did like the irony of the name "Isle of rest".
I feel like some parts were rushed while some parts had a lot more care put into them (which makes sense because it was a contest entry) ,so maybe after the contest if you took the time to put the care into the pages that were more rushed, then my rating would probably go up.
I typically don't enjoy choices that are just "go right or left" type things where either it doesn't matter or you have no clue which way to go, and you did have one of those in the beginning (go to port or starboard), and while it didn't affect the story which one you chose, I still think that you could do without it, especially if they both lead to virtually the same thing.
There were a few grammar issues, such as a comma splice here or there, but nothing so big that it took away from my reading experience.
Overall, I did like it, so nice job. :)

i liked it

I loved it. It should, in quite fact, in my opinion, be a movie someday. I would quite frankly love to see it! Good job, dear Creator!

It's lower rated than it deserves. It reminds me a lot of the classic adventure cyoa books in regards to the premise and the way the prose was written. If the author tried to write a horror story (seems so in the tags), it had clearly failed. It lacked the kind of tension and general heavy use of the senses like sound and smell you normally expect in horror.

However, it did work a lot as a comedy. Perhaps it's the way you could make the main character do horrible things like shoving a man in the water as the sacrifice or letting a little girl die and be instantly smited for it or the very cartoonishly evil cult that is a blatant ripoff of the cult of Dagon or sarcastic metaquips that makes the story a lot more lighthearted. Due to the mc being pretty much a bland slate, it wasn't as if I felt very driven to care much about their fate which made the more bloody scenes less painful to watch and more like average slapstick.

All in all, I like it! It was a fun read.

Going through “Investigate Chanting” at Raal puts you into an infinite loop where joining or refusing to join loops you back

I loved the atmosphere you created with this game. I ended up going more inland because I felt like that was the way to solve the problem, but I loved all the parts involving being at sea with the terrifying fish the most, even if I didn’t encounter that many of those moments in this specific playthrough. The writing was rich and vivid. Very fun game!!

The story was interesting and well-thought and I liked the writing style, especially at the beginning with just enough descriptions to make the story feels immersive. The details and explanations became more sparsed toward the end though, making some parts and choices feel sometimes a bit rushed and/or random. Still definitely worth a playthrough!

Well written and engaging, although some of the deaths were abrupt (particularly the roadside investigation). It is unclear that earlier reference to Raal is as a town and not a person. Likewise questioning the acolytes in Raal is an endless loop that just throws you back a page.

Little to no SPAG issues that I saw and an overall fun adventure story. Will probably read again.