This story was for Psychology. It was a project, and we had a Lil origin story to write in it, so I thought it'd be cool to post here it is, and please give me feedback.
Dionysus Vision was perfect at everything. He had excellent grades maintaining a 4.3 GPA throughout highschool despite taking 5 Ap classes. He had a flawless face with an ideal 6'4'' 225lbs physique. Similar to that of an Olympic bodybuilder. He was homecoming king in high school and the star basketball player throughout all four years of college. He was the perfect person, living the ideal life, in the ideal location. Moreover, next year, he was set to join the NBA. However, sadly, life cannot be perfect forever, not even for Dionysus Vision.
June 19th of 2019, a secret Russian Eco-Terrorist group called The Society told Dionysus that they wanted him to come to a private Russian school for ten days. Saying it was only for the top 1% most brilliant and perfect people in the world, all expenses paid. Dionysus being the optimist that he is. Happily accepted the offer and traveled to Russia, not knowing that he had walked into the open trap of The Society.
He landed in Russia and got quickly ushered into the meeting room. There he had small talk with some of the most influential people the world had ever seen. He had coffee with Ben Carson and tea time with the pope. There he was rushed to sign a contract saying he accepted the terms on the deal. Little did he know that he had just signed himself into slavery as a "lab rat" for an Eco-Terrorist group.
Five days later, after fattening up the world's top 1%. The testing began, against there will one by one for five months forced through genetic alternating. They were trying, unsuccessfully, to mutate the body into a perfect being. One by one, they died while the world frantically searched for their leaders. Chaos broke out amongst people groups of genetically altered abominations started terrorizing people with their so-called powers. Finally, after five months of straight turmoil in the world, it was Dionysus's turn to be tested.
After a few days of forced rigorous testing altering and mutations, Dionysus came out alive; the scientist rejoiced in happiness. They figured out the formula. They could now multiple and duplicate the procedure on other people forcing them into genetically perfect beings. Nonetheless, Dionysus seeing the survival rate of such testing, and the pain he went through was against it. He rebelled against The Society quickly manipulating his way out and outthinking their leader. Not wanting the technology to fall into the wrong hands, Dionysus blew up the base.
Dionysus seemed even more perfect, yet there were still side effects. With his enlargened brain and a more powerful body, Dionysus Cardiovascular and Respiratory system were unable to keep up with his person. So one night every week, Dionysus spends the whole 24 hours asleep connected to uranium tubes, which supplied his body with enough nutrients for him to survive the next week.
Seeing the darkness and pain in the new chaotic world, he had been rebirthed inside. Dionysus dedicated his life to solving crime his way. Realizing he had blood on his hands. Dionysus proudly declared that he was the first-ever anti-hero, neither good or bad. Till this day, he fights for the good of humankind his way.
Thanks to his famed ability to manipulate and control people, starting mass riots and protests and ending fights. He earned the name, ‘The’ Puppeteer. Dionysus was and still is the one behind the strings.
Bitch, please, I'm not a fucking "rebel," and thank god I'm not some self-obsessed piece of actual dog shit. Who thinks he can talk a big game but doesn't even have the balls to write or post a story himself. I knew I was going to get negative reviews on this tell. But unlike some people, I can take constructive criticism, keyword CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, not some bull shit comment meant to put people down. Honestly, did your mother ever teach your manners?
If it's not worth your time to review, don't write a whole fucking comment about that. Like that's actually stupid, stupider than the shit I do, and I'm the guy who jumps into the pool first with all his clothes on knowing damn well his parents going to be very mad when he gets home.
So please next time you want to make a comment about how you don't want to waste time commenting on someone's tall. Stop writing and "wasting your time" and get some fucking help.
?? I can't view pictures on my computer please explain what shit you sent me.
Oh, okay, thanks, really I appreciate it. I don't mind being strange. At least I'm not a gay animal fucking dumbass. Who is stupid enough to make their username 50 words long.
Their not there
This is less of a story and more of one giant tell
Really you could go in and add some details and plot and stuff, also the character could be way less perfect. Because thats boring and mary sueish, or Gary Stewish in this case or whatever
Are you going to make this a cyoa?
No, I'm not its a simple origin story for our hero thats all. So your right it's not a story just a tale.
You said it was a story
In any case labelling it as a tale doesn't change anything smhrofllmaololomgnvwl
Is this story based on the mysterious Dave you beg to go faster? Having an image of man, shirt raised, pink background, underwear in sight as he presents himself to said Dave to do what he will with his body?
This comment was hilarious, and I'll change my avatar if that's what you are getting at. The pink guy with his shirt raised is a "drawing of me" for a label. No, this story wasn't about me; it was about Dionysus Vision (terrible name choice on my part). And his origin STORY.
Its his origin tell actually
Dammit, Origin story sounds cooler. Can you please, pretty please with a cheery on top let it slide this one time.
An origin tell is far more amusing than an origin story in this case
And thats technically what it is
Fine... since you have 809 more points than me I shall not argue.
You seem mistaken. I was inquiring in the pretense that Dave was a gay lover of yours.
I request forgiveness on your part for my apparent inability to be more clear with my previous post.
Edit: I'm sure you edited your post... Hmmm, okay.
No, I'm straight. And my name is Dave. *Proceeds to smack head on table multiple times*
Edit: I indeed did edit my post
But it seems like Dave is a different individual, as it appears that he is going too fast and rough that your head is apparently meeting with the table in abundance?
Are you sure?
I'm Dave. I'm a straight black male. I do not do "the gay" and honestly, find it very uncomfortable. I do not like things in my but,
You find the other Dave going faster up your butt very uncomfortable and don't like things up your anal cavity? But then why do such things? Please do clear this up to me if you can.
I don't do such things at all!!!!!!!!!! I do not do anything with other guys that include touchy personal private space anything okay!!!!!!!!! So yeh, I don't do anything that has to do with my anal cavity besides pooping.
I'm glad you don't do anything with other guys that aren't Dave, but I don't believe that your loyalty to your lover Dave was something that I ever questioned.
How is it actually to take what I said and then claim that I'm coprophilic? Where do you even find that type of info? I mean, I didn't know what a Coprophilliac is until I searched it up on websters two seconds ago.
I don't like playing with poop for sexual fun, okay. Moreover, thanks for not judging, I felt that that's all anyone has done to me since I got on this site. Really thank you.
I'm making a new account. Everything is wrong with this old account.
I do, but sadly Usernames cannot be, I understand why because that would be hard to keep track of who is who.
No, Thara, I don't do anything with guys at all, including Dave, okay. I think that doing things with guys, including Dave, is very, very weird. I understand that my username is now obviously very weird and awkward. Dave Faster does sound terrible if you think about it. I shall probably opt to change it or make a new account because Dave Faster is a terrible username now that I think of it. I made it cause my name's Dave, and I'm fast, so whatever.
Yes, I am in agreement with you that your username can be interpreted to something quite hilarious and offputting. Some may even be able to make the argument that it can make fitting in around here a daunting task with such a shameful name.
On another note, I'm sorry to hear that you think doing things with your boyfriend Dave is very weird. I hope things work out with your new account and other such things?
Okay, this conversation got me cracking up. I'm single right now and not dating anybody, and I don't know anybody besides me named Dave. I only date girls or have sex with girls.
I hope this clears everything about my sexuality up. Also, thank you for the good luck. I'm going to need it.
Is my username why everyone hates me? Or is it just me?
I wish I had an adequate answer to give you on that matter.
However, here's my advice:
Just bees yourself, bro.
Thanks for the radical advice, bro.
Thank you for accepting me as me cricket. But how many times am I going to have to tell you I'm not gay and I don't like but stuff.
I'm not denying I'm stating a fact. I am straight and I am not denying who I am.
Ok, thank you for giving me time.
Keeping in mind the key factors that this is for a psychology class and supposed to be an origin story, the largest problem I see is with character development. An origin story is far more than the what (e.g. "the man fell in a vat of acid and got radioactive powers" but is rather focused on the *why* (e.g. would Superman be good if he hadn't been raised by the ethical Jonathan and Martha Kent?)
Right now, your story reads much like, "Gary Stu was perfect at everything and had no flaws. He was super smart and super athletic and super popular. In fact he was so awesome he got a scholarship for special training at a super special school. Once there, he met a lot of famous people. Only, it was a trap! They trapped him and experimented on him. All the other test subjects died or turned into monsters, but not Gary Stu! He didn't just survive, but got even smarter and stronger than he was before! He used his amazing new powers to blow up the bad guy's base. He's now so powerful he literally has to sleep one day of the week just so his body can keep up with how awesome he is. And he's so good, never experiencing temptation to evil at all, that he fights crime and bad guys wherever he finds them and protects humanity. But he's not above getting his hands dirty - he'll kill a bad guy to stop him without any of that moral hand-wringing or hesitation or inner turmoil some other 'good' superheroes face.'
If that sounds boring and a bit confusing, it's because there is no *character arc.* The character starts out perfect and just gets 'more perfect.' When there are difficulties or challenges or disadvantages, they are all done to the character from without.
Contrast this with:
- Noble and patriotic, but physically weak, Steve Rogers
- Rich and strong, but fearful, Bruce Wayne
- Rich and smart, but abrasive and selfish, Iron Man
Characters are richer when they have a balance of skills to start with. Superhero origin stories often do have heroes/heroines that are at the top of some category (very smart, very rich, etc.) but rarely are they all-around awesome to start. They often have character traits that can be both flaws or assets depending on how they develop and use them. E.g. a character's patriotism can become a flaw if it causes him to blindly follow bad leaders, or a character's zeal for justice can be problematic if he mistakes a good guy for a bad guy.
The classic "origin story" takes the character from their original circumstances, traits, and setting to their initial superhero form, but to get there the character usually must face *himself.* The outward villain generally functions as either an obvious symbol of that inward dillemna or as a foil who will directly test the hero's weakest aspect.
Plugging that into your story, you could have Dionysius a hard-working student who believes in toning body and mind. While his social life suffers for it, he's managed to excel academically and has recieved several scholarship offers. While he is debating what school to go to, he recieves a mysterious letter in the mail from a private college. He's wined and dined as they hope to woo him, and he suddenly finds himself 'popular' and in demand by important people when he's always been an outcast due to his driven nature. When the school turns out to be secret testing lab ran by an eco-terrorist group he's troubled, both by the ethics and the pain, but he finds himself succeeding while the 'weaker' people die or mutate. He's torn between becoming one of a few special, powerful elite and changing the world after his own liking, or saving the few remaining test subjects and destroying the research by burning it all down. If he chooses the latter, he will be an outcast oncemore, only worldwide this time, for his new powers and his link to the terrorist group.
Now, there is something interesting for readers. We understand there is a real possibility he might give into temptation. To save the day, the hero will have to make a sacrifice. Even though he's academically skilled and athletic and now has superheroes, it's not alienating because he still has human wants and flaws.
Now let's look at the final bit of the arc - does he succeed, or not? You have him choose to destroy the facility, and apparently kill a number of people along the way. But the bevy of superpowers introduced near the end, seemingly unrelated to what has gone before, are about manipulating people, controlling people, etc. While your story implies that this is all good and for the protection of humankind, is it?
Perhaps he succeeded in destroying the terrorist organization's base, only to *become* a terrorist himself and not realize it. While he rejected their plans for humanities future, he now takes it upon himself to be the 'Puppeteer' controlling the world. He made the sacrifice, only to become what he himself hated. He doesn't realize it, but he's as bad as the terrorist group, since he will manipulate and control people to fit the vision of humanity that he wants. He thinks himself a superhero/anti-hero, but has unknowingly become the villain....
That would be an interesting plot arc! And more suited to a psychology class. And, bonus, Dionysius the Areopagite in history was a judge. A perfect name for an anti-hero skirting the lines between hero and villain and deciding he is the one to 'judge' the way humanity should go.
One- Being in the top 1% of the world in terms of intellect isn't particularly noteworthy. 1% in any trait is going to be 1 in 100 people - so if D. goes to a school of 2,000 then there are 20 students in the top 1%. If the secret organization is letting in the top 1% then it's not that exclusive at all. A minor detail, perhaps, but I couldn't take it seriously because of that. At least do the top .01% in their respective fields. It also wasn't clear whether the world leaders were taken in addition to the top performing members of society, or somehow were meant to be part of the top 1%. Most politicians don't necessarily excel intellectually or athletically, after all. ;)
Two - Why Ben Carson? I mean, he is a gifted surgeon and is involved in politics - but not really what people would immediately think about when imagining world leaders.
Three - 'fattening up' is generally a phrase in reference to raising cattle, or to cannibalism or the like, as to feeding someone/an animal because you intend to eat them later. You likely meant 'buttering up,' which is the idiom for flattering someone in hopes they will give you what you want.
Four - how did he "outthink" the boss? It isn't clear whether this is just him using strategy, or if he has some sort of new psychic power. The climatic escape and destruction of the base is relegated to a couple summarized lines.
Five - sometimes things get really repetitive (and not in a poetic way.) "One by one for five months...one by one they died." "There he had small talk....there he was." Try changing up the descriptions, especially within the same paragraph.
Six - how are all the world leaders sucked into this? It's doubtful they could all leave at the same time and go to Russia. There are tiers of people in governments (vice president, etc.) in case something happens to the top leader. While the world might be missing some leaders, it would be strange if all managed to disappear at once under this scheme.
Seven - how does he connect to the uranium tubes? Does he have a nurse helping him? Where does he get the uranium? How does he even know he needs it?
Eight - If Dionysius "was" the one behind the strings, wouldn't that imply that he was the one behind the eco-terrorist group?
There are a lot of sentence fragments in this. Here are just a few:
""Five days later, after fattening up the world's top 1%."
"The testing began, against there will one by one for five months forced through genetic alternating."
" Realizing he had blood on his hands "
"Similar to that of an Olympic bodybuilder "
" Dionysus being the optimist that he is."
" Happily accepted the offer and traveled to Russia, not knowing that he had walked into the open trap of The Society. "
"Saying it was only for the top 1% most brilliant and perfect people in the world, all expenses paid."
" Thanks to his famed ability to manipulate and control people, starting mass riots and protests and ending fights."
A program like grammarly or even basic spell check in a word document program should help, but proofreading is always adviseable. There were also some word mix-ups, missing posessives, and singulars not matching plurals as well.
"Against there will" should be "against their will."
" They were trying, unsuccessfully, to mutate the body into a perfect being. One by one, they died while the world frantically searched for their leaders." - This is ambiguous. I think you meant the test-subjects died, but it reads as if the scientists died.
"Chaos broke out amongst people groups of genetically altered abominations started terrorizing people with their so-called powers."
Ambiguous and clunky. Are there now people groups of genetically altered beings? Or are the mutants terrorizing groups of people? And why are the powers 'so-called' when the narrative establishes that they are gaining powers?
" the scientist rejoiced in happiness. They figured out the formula. They could..." Is this one scientist or many?
"rebelled against The Society quickly manipulating his way out and outthinking their leader" needs a comma after Society. Unless you mean he rebelled shortly after his mutation, vs. his escape being quick, in which case you need the comma after quickly. Either way, you need a comma.
"Nonetheless, Dionysus seeing the survival rate of such testing, and the pain he went through was against it." Perhaps rephrase to, "Dionysius was against the testing, having experienced the pain of it firsthand and knowing that few survived it."
" powerful body, Dionysus Cardiovascular and Respiratory system were unable to keep up with his person" Dionysius' as it is a possessive. Cardiovascular and respitory should not be capitalized. Systems, not system. "His person" is odd/unclear. Try "keep up with his new level of function" or something similar.
Wow, I'm flabbergasted, like you blue my far inferior mind with your knowledge. I see where you are going at with the plot arch and the balance of good and evil, but if I'm going, to be honest, I just wanted to make an O.P. character. So I could have more significant bragging rights than everyone else in the class. If I was taking it seriously with plot development characterization etc. this advice is very, very helpful thank you so much.
P.S. He sleeps every day just like everyone else only one day of the week he sleeps 24 hours to recharge his POWERS for the rest of the week, I understand that that was probably very confusing to understand from what I wrote.
About the Detail notes.
Can I please copy and use this review for later.
1. I thought the top 1% would sound cool, and I was running on fumes at 11:30 pm. So I could've revised it to make it more clear that I meant the most influential people in the world. But sleep was calling me, and everything comes second to sleep.
2. We were talking about Ben Carson earlier in class, so it was the most recent thing on my mind. Anyway, It was late. I wasn't thinking correctly. My deadline for this, too, was 10 minutes away. I know this is no excuse, and I probably should have revised it before I posted it on this site, and I regret that.
3. I meant buttering up, but I wasn't thinking correctly.
4. We weren't meant to write a whole story with like details and everything; I honestly think I went over the amount of words max. But It was to show he outthought his boss. That's all I purposely did not want to waste time going into detail on how.
5. I see what you mean by that; next time, I'll change it up. I had no clue I was doing that.
6. Same thing as number four I didn't want to go into detail because I was right one the deadline, thanks to being a stupid college student.
7. Same category as six and four.
8. It was symbolism. To show how he was manipulative, so the one behind the strings would imply how he was able to manipulate people.
Grammar, as I said before, came home at 11:30 after a home football game tired realized I hadn't done this part of the project. So I didn't proofread sorry.
P.S. Also didn't proofread this comment, sorry again. *meekly shrugs shoulders*
Just saying you don't proofread is a shit excuse. At least say you prefer to use the non-proofread versions of your writing to be more 'honest', and that it forces you to get better with your first draft. Say you find proofreading boring/dull. Say you don't believe in proofreading as works can always be better, and so to proofread would be to never finish anything.
Don't just apologies! Bah.
My attempts at a stronger tone aside, I think that if you had mentioned some of the criteria you had imposed on you, it might have helped with ensuring the constructive criticism is as relevant as possible. On the other hand, you could mention what sort of feedback you are looking for (tho I'm finding this harder to do than it sounds).
Staying within designated word limits is pretty important for certain disciplines, i.e. writing for a physical medium / getting paid per word, so if you went overboard it is still a bad thing (even if it allowed for more story). However, it is possible that the word limit was more a guideline, in which case it matters less.
Regardless, mentioning those things early is a good idea, as specifics can be rather useful.
I'd say you shouldn't change your account. Unless you deceive people so they don't know it is you (which is way harder to do than you might anticipate), those giving you trouble would still remember this account name, and so all you would have accomplished is making Dave separate to you, which I feel wouldn't help.
Alternative accounts are generally frowned upon, so I'd stick it out with Dave for at least a bit longer.
As such, I'd say you'd be better off trying to change site perception of you. Openly not proofreading isn't going to win you points in my book. For the assignment, I can sorta understand (ran out of time), so while it is not a good excuse, it is an understandable one. However, why didn't you proofread the comment!?
Anyway, I'd say that with the next work you post, do proofread it, heck, even do revisions (move scenes around to better build to something, do the whole drafting thing). If the next work was written while low on time, you can post both versions, one with proofreading and one without, that could make for an interesting comparison.
Proofreading is a very powerful tool, and while I can't force you to use it (do whatever works for you) I'd still strongly encourage you to try utilising it more. It can push mediocre works to good ones, or good to great. Improving the reading experience is a huge boon! Even if you don't like it, proofreading a bit can get you thinking in certain ways that might help when writing the first draft, which would thus still improve your writing quality overall. Granted, I think of improvement as something akin to a staircase, or ramp, so it might not help too much if you don't do it often enough.
Hopefully something useful was mentioned in this post, as it is a little different to the usual things I try to mention. At any rate, don't discount proofreading! Also, best of luck with future writing endeavors.
P.S. Did you get the bragging rights you wished for (in class)?
P.P.S. Pretty sure all postscripts are supposed to go at the end, but it might be a style thing, because we aren't exactly writing and signing letters over here.
See the problem with me, and proofreading is, it's not that I just don't proofread. I suck with time management overall. And I'm always in a rush for something, which is a big issue I have been working on, so I lack time to proofread because I am a slacker.
Your right, I probably should have thought about stating the requirements first. I'm sorry about that it was a short nondescriptive origin tell we were supposed to write. I just wanted feedback on what people thought about my writing style, that's all. Next time I will put the specifics in with the tell.
Thanks, I'll try to change the opinion about me on the site.
Many helpful things were mentioned in this post thank you for that.
P.S. I did get bragging right's actually. My plan went perfectly.
P.P.S. Your right, it's not a style thing. It's an I haven't done P.S/P.P.S stuff since middle school.
I just wanted everyone who cares to know that I got 97% on this project, and thanks for the advice.
I could not ask why because she has been absent from class for three days straight,
I lost 3% because, on the rubric, she wrote that she was confused about the power to manipulate and how it relates to the brain. Which is a whole different part of the project that has nothing to do with the tell, I got all 30 out of 30 points on this part.
I agree with that, but I am also not going to bug her about the 3% off because I got a C on my last project, and I'm very grateful to get an A on something.
Ew, a Marty Stu character? Gross.
Give me the directions for this project, and I will show what what a real superhero story looks like.
Okay, The superhero is supposed to have five abilities, all having to do with the brain. I left that part of the project out. You're supposed to write an origin story of how your hero came to be and why they want to save the world. I'm guessing that that's the part of the project you're interested in.
In every direction, a thug stood facing Xinshen. In all their hands were guns, knives, and other improvised weapons, and by all means, the situation looked grim for the old man. He was, after all, too weak to fight off a horde of this size.
“Got any money for us, gramps?” One thug carrying a switchblade asks, inching forward with each word. Despite being covered nearly completely concealed by baggy, oversized clothes, his tone, posture, body language, and even his choice in clothes and weapon said everything Xinshen needed to know.
“You are scared, boy,” Xinshen projects at him. He was unarmed, but he took a step towards the armed thug. If things turned out badly—if Xinshen was incorrect in his judgment—he would get seriously injured injured, perhaps even killed. However, he was never wrong, and this certainly won’t be the first time.
The thug appeared no different, but Xinshen knows his words made in impact. Even if his demeanor was the same—even if he began to act more violent—the thug’s anxiety would start to talk sense into him. Probably not by itself, but Xinshen was never wrong.
“You are scared, boy,” He repeats, resting a hand on the thug’s elbow. Almost instantly, the boy’s strong front shatters as raw fear and anxiety overtakes him, as vivid visions of his bleak future leech all his attention. The thug stands in shock and fear, and he faints, his mind shutting down. As his body slumps down, the rest of the circle stares at the old man.
One of them shouts, “What the fuck, the chink killed B-Z!” and within a moment, all guns are pointed at Xinshen. In his youth, he would have been able to simply dodge his way out of there, but he can barely walk without a cane in his current state. His chances of escape would be none, but Xinshen felt no fear—after all, he controls emotions.
“You all ready your weapons, and you all prepare to fight. However, what do you fight for?” Xinshen asks, but no gun lowers. However, Xinshen can tell what they are thinking: They fear him, they fear he has a trick up his sleeve that will cause them harm. “Your friend is still very much alive,” He reassures the group, although the limp body doesn’t convince them. Xinshen really wasn’t lying, however—the poor boy simply fainted from the fear Xinshen forced him to face.
“Any last words, fucker?” another thug asks, raising his gun. He intends to fire. However, This wasn’t the first time Xinshen had to convince a gunman to lower his weapon, and it wouldn’t be the last.
After all, Xinshen had power in his words.
“You’d shoot me, and you’ll go back to your sick mother and sister smelling like gunpowder? Will you let them think you’re a—” he suddenly stops his sentence and flinches to the right—the thug has blocked out his mind and decided to fire. Without time to register the old man’s dodge, the thug fires, the bullet going nowhere, the loud blast startling the crowd.
Certainly not what Xinshen wanted to happen, but he can make this work to his advantage! He dives forward, and grips the knife of a different thug—who instantly releases it upon seeing a vision of it being driven into the back of his best friend. As the thug slowly backs away, Xinshen could only feel bad for him—these visions were imminent futures that would happen if they didn’t change their behaviors soon.
However, Xinshen didn’t have time to dwell on that. Still holding the knife imbued with absolute fear, he looks at the thugs—who expect him to throw it at them— then aims right in front of the center thug’s feet, making sure nobody was going to dive there before hurling the knife. As it flies, all the fear on it can be sensed, and the already tense situation nearly spirals out of control, causing to more thugs to run away. Only three thugs remain, and even they were gripped with fear and dread.
“There is no need to fear me, I intend no harm,” Xinshen attempts to reassure them, despite knowing they have blocked out their minds. Right now, they were running on adrenaline and survival instinct, and were almost beyond reason. In such a case, all that could be done is to convince them to take flight rather than staying to fight.
None of the three is wielding a gun—although one of them dropped theirs after the other thug fired his gun. He looks at the pistol, and Xinshen knew he had to act quickly. Lunging forward, he picks up a rock—as the unarmed thug dashes towards his gun. The other two thugs are charging towards Xinshen with a knife and a wire-wrapped bat, respectively. However, Xinshen could make this work—he had to.
Quickly glancing around, Xinshen spots a metal dumpster—and hurls the rock towards it, the loud bang causing the others to momentarily flinch back. Seizing his opportunity, Xinshen dashes towards the two melee-clad opponents, his sudden change in posture surprising the two thugs. However, contrary to their thoughts, Xinshen was not attacking, and quickly jumps to the left, just out of range of their strike. Where he once stood, an aura of pure fear and apprehension remains, and the two thugs finally faint, finally at their wits’ end.
The final opponent, however, has his gun, and is aiming at Xinshen. All of the other thugs have either fainted or fled, and the faint wail of police sirens can be heard, slowly approaching. The atmosphere steadily grows more tense—and this time, Xinshen has nothing to do with it.
“Good run. Now, prepare to—” the final thug begins.
“Die?” Xinshen interrupts, knowing that if the thug finished his sentence, he would have found the strength needed to kill the old man. “You won’t fire the gun.” Despite the thug’s deadly glare and his steady grip, Xinshen knows the thug won’t shoot. Then finally, the thug’s strong front breaks.
“Who are you?!” the thug demands, falling to his knees. It would appear he has given up without any assistance from Xinshen. “You can read minds, control the emotions of others, dodge attacks, imbue emotions onto objects, and leave static auras of emotion wherever you stand?! Just what are you?!”
For the first time since he has gotten surrounded, Xinshen takes a breath of relief. He knew this alley was full of dangerous thugs, and he honestly didn’t know if he still had it within himself to single-handedly defeat them. Reaching into his pockets, he grabs out a notepad and pen, and scribbles his name:
“I am Xinshen,” he calmly tells the thug, and my name means ‘Mind’.” He hands him the paper. “I do not have superpowers, but I have something much more super; and Education.” He slowly gets up, and wipes the dust off his clothes.
“And before you ask me what my origin was,” Xinshen continues, slowly walking away, “The answer is, I am not a superhero, I’m a psychologist—I only differ from my colleagues in that I actually seek out the people in need.”
Huh, for the record, the ?? was supposed to be the actual spelling of Xinshen's name. That's a shame.
Anyways, that is what I would submit. Considering I just completely defied the basic directions and spirit of the assignment, I probably would have flunked it.
Entertaining. I like the twist at the end. And even if it doesn't fit the 'origin story' assignment, I like that he's an older man with a cane. You manage to balance his having major skills to defy the odds with plausible vulnerability/the possibility of failure.
I feel like it's that plausible vulnerability that makes a hero truly compelling. More than anything else in a story, I look at characters the most, and I always love to see how they develop throughout the story. Ideally, a character always has some conflict going on, even during the "Happily Ever After".
In this case, Xinshen is old, and not even a hero; just a dedicated—if not remarkably talented—psychologist. Stuck in a demanding situation, he has to draw from his skills of his trade to get himself out of that situation, and although the story is still far from realistic, it conveys—at least, to me—that these superheros are oftentimes just as or almost as ordinary as the average person.
That's how I was taught, anyway. If the characters are compelling and their development rich, then even an awful story can be at least somewhat entertaining to read.
Oops, I meant to write:
"...I have something much more important; an education."
Still a face-punch worthy line nonetheless.
Even though you completely evaded the original idea of the project. You literally blew my story out of the water; this was amazing and makes mine looks terrible. Congrats, you have officially walked the walk.
I really loved the resolution to this story, and honestly, somebody should have just punched the old guy in the face.
I understand flaws are significant when it comes to building and developing compelling a character now, thanks to you guys.
This was a cool story but the end with education and psychology bit was weird and kinda ruined it
I wrote a 1000-word story about some old Chinese man defeating a group of thugs without violence, then I realized,
Oh crap, he needs to be a superhero!
Oh well, just make him a prodigy psychologist.
Yeah, I agree though, the story kind of sucks. I didn't do any proofreading or revisions as I wrote, so the whole thing ended up a mess.
In fact, every story I write featuring old Chinese protagonists all seem to suck. I actually got chewed out by the judges of a writing contest because I entered at the last minute with a shit story about the first Emperor of China.
That's funny. Well, I liked the story. I guess people have different standards.
He's a psychologist, he's not supposed to be entertaining!
Anyways, I will keep that in mind so I don't place any moodkillers in any of my other stories.
Or you could give him the powers everyone thinks he has, but his moniker is "The Psychologist." His day job is counseling superheroes through the stress of fighting crime, riskung injury to civilians, and maintaining secret identities.
I think the Gary Stu and textbook-like lack of any real drama has already been addressed, I'll swing in with the nitpicks.
1. There's no such thing as an olympic bodybuilder. Olympic athletes build their bodies to serve a very particular purpose. the purpose of "being big" is not among them. He's either like an olympic athlete, or like a bodybuilder, but there isn't a lot (or any) overlap between them. Bodybuilders exercise in order to maintain a particular size and set of bodily proportions, and they aren't particularly athletic. They don't grow their muscles for any particular sport or purpose and dehydrate themselves in order to look more chiseled, so it just tends to make them more stiff even if they are physically good at lifting things.
We know he can't be a bodybuilder, because if he is, he's 15 pounds underweight for his height, and we're told that he has the ideal body. Is he a weightlifter? In which case, he's a twig. Granted, they have weight classes for this sort of thing, but nobody expects the featherweight boxer to go out into the great wide world with everyone in it and use these skills to fight crime. Is he a boxer or wrestler already? That sounds more reasonable, but they don't do bodybuilding activities as much as they just exercise their muscles to perform certain tasks.
2. A Secret Russian Eco-Terrorist group... Erm... Hm... Alright, first off, we're going to have to come to an understanding of what you mean when you say "eco-terrorist". The technical definition is a group organized to attack, sabotage, or otherwise harm things and people who are percieved as hurting the environment. The other is a more "pop culture"-oriented thing that people use to describe those who destroy the environment, like captain planet villains. The second one seems to be more of a misnomer, so I'll assume it's the first.
Eco-terrorist groups are typically grassroots organizations that take direct action in protesting things. If they're secret, their actions typically won't be. Terrorists in general try to create huge public spectacles in order to make people fearful, and they also benefit hugely from being widely/publically known, so that other people with extreme beliefs will come join them. Why are they secretive?
And, more importantly, what are their motivations? Far be it from me to accuse Russia of being a warmonger, but between their vested economic interests in Ukraine, oil, and a growing resurgence in dick-measuring against the United States, Ol' Putin here has little regard for anything that might interfere with his industrial and technological advancement. You can be damn sure that Eco-Terrorists have a habit of disappearing and/or shooting themselves in the back of the head.
Maybe this is why they're a secret group? In which case, who makes up this group, and why do they have access to one of the most elite schools in the world? Like I said, these are typically grassroots organizations, and not wealthy or high-paid political people who often have a vested interest in industry, agriculture, oil, and other things typically deemed 'non-sustainable', considering that's where so much of their money comes from. Is this a humble, rag-tag, 'salt of the earth' school for the insanely gifted? Where do they get their science equipment?
Or, hell, it's not too much of a stretch to imagine that the secret group is well-funded because they're a group who commit eco-terrorism in other countries, but not Russia. I can imagine Russian eco terrorist movements might target the infrastructure of other countries and Putin would be just fine with it.
Other people have mentioned that "the top 1%" isn't that exclusive, but, let's face it, it's a school, and schools need attendance in order to be profitable. They can afford to be choosy, but not especially choosy. Academic stuff tends to be more a factor of money and prestige than actual qualification, since ideally an education trains its students to be on the forefront of knowledge on the subject. If you're already on the cutting edge, that just means you're more likely to pick everything up. The *really* exclusive stuff is like, government think-tanks and scientific endeavours like the space program or Manhattan Project, all of which are for people who are already educated, not people seeking one. And considering the whole thing's a front for human experimentation, the top 1% is fine. Frankly, I'm surprised they started with "perfect" people and started killing so many.
3. Why did they start with "perfect" people? As you can imagine, the top 1% most brilliant and perfect people alive, even if there are 70 million of them on the planet, can be difficult to find. Surely, you would want to make damn sure you were doing everything properly before you attempted to create a perfect being. So, before delving into the quagmire of what constitutes a perfect person, what the hell were they doing wasting perfect individuals when what they could have been doing was laying the groundwork for their experiments first? Surely they could have experimented on imperfect individuals in an attempt to understand what might endanger their perfect test subjects?
The Society is a powerful and secretive group, and surely there are homeless people, prostitutes, cult members, "dissapearing" political insurrectionists, and other nobodies that they can kill first. Hell, they're eco-terrorists, if they need "perfect" individuals they can try to kidnap highly educated C.E.O.s of big businesses. Why make a big public display of mailing the sports jocks with good grades to come to your secret wizard school and then kill them? Sure, they might have laid out the groundwork earlier, but it never mentions this. Am I to assume they tested less 'valuable' subjects first? In which case, can we follow the story of Boris the Hobo who got captured by The Society and turned into an abominable sewer mutant who lives in the Moscow rain sewers and sustains himself on the flesh of the petty thieves and drug dealers who used to torment him? Can we? Please? Because that would be a helluva lot more interesting than the protagonist we ended up with, but I digress.
4. What are his powers? This is never clearly explained. Is he just smart? Do he just thunkin' gud? Subtle superpowers like this are potentially quite interesting... If any story is attached to them at all. But this is a synopsis, so I can't really criticise. If he's some sort of telepath that can "push" things his way, however, I and every comics reader will tell you that's a real dingbat move if not done correctly. People who just cause others to do what they tell them (e.g. soul-patch-wearing monstrosities like JAMM, or golden-age douchebags like Hip Knox) are traditionally the worst superhero characters ever put to paper, and often come off more as villains and douchebags than heroes under scrutiny because no thought is really put into them.
"Mind control" heroes are pretty much just anti-story. They manipulate and erase the motivations and personalities of others simply so that the plot can roll out before them. It's hard to create adversity when people just do what you want. It's true, villains who test the moral fiber of their heroes, and vice versa, often make for especially interesting tales, and maybe that's the case here? But 'Puppeteer' doesn't imply that his power is public speaking and genuinely changing minds. It implies he's a thought-rapist.
And nobody likes those.
WE WANT BO-RIS! WE WANT BO-RIS!
BO-RIS! BO-RIS! BO-RIS!
... I couldn't find an image of people hitting the table like they were chanting something, so now it's just a tantrum.
Vital question: Does Boris have any tattoos or distinguishing scars on his torso or arms?
I gave him a brand, X26R. Experiment 26, Rat-DNA. Picture to come when I get it cleaned up and uploaded. I think Boris needs his own thread - a sort of honorary CYS superhero who feeds on the flesh of ne'er do wells and annoying people.
Behold, Boris, the mutant hobo!
I've made him his own fan thread, now. This picture is bait. Someone, please write the story! Or storygame. Because who doesn't want to patrol the sewers bludgeoning criminals with femur-bones and eating their remains.
(My brain is mush on cold medicine right now, so I can't write much today. Drawing mutant horrors, on the other hand, seems to be easier when sick.)
Aha, I think I found a way to get it to not do the odd float-thing by copying the url into the image button rather than try to post from my pictures.