Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to another groovy episode of Zero-Point-Six, brought to you by the brothas down at Anaconda Malt Liquor. Anaconda… “It’ll give you Oooooo!”
Last time on this funkalicious adventure:
Waitin' on his next gig from the men upstairs, Jerome was just chillin' at his local gamblin’ parlor, when he met a fiiiiine-ass-bitch by the name of Jane Swallow. She was a secretary for a Mr. Richard Johnson, some recent real estate fat cat. Lucky for 0.6, his newest assignment was to get the deets on this rich cracka.
Posing in his sunday best as a potential business partner, Point-Six slid right into Mr Johnson’s personal files. Found out that this crazy mo’fucka was plannin’ on bombing-out the slums Jerome’s homies called home. Replace it with some white condos or some shit. Bombs were already in play, all around the hood, and the detonator was set on a train passing right through.
Jerome had to catch a riiide on the 3:15 to funkytown, fight his way to the front, and put a stop to these Weapons of Mass Discrimination. So here he is, at the lead car, about to pass out some more whoopins to these fools…
Jerome kicks in the train car door, stepping inside and popping his collar. Mr. Johnson and Jane sit towards the front of the car, next to a complicated device that can only be the detonator signal machine. Jane appears to be tied to her seat, mouth taped shut, and Mr. Johnson starts to applaud as he turns around to face our hero, grinning all the while.
“Ah, Mr. LeBrond. I don’t suppose you’re here to follow up on business? At least, not my business proposal…” He says, his claps getting slower in pace as they go on.
“Richard Johnson. By the order of the US of A, I’m here to stop the bombs and take yo’ crazy ass in...” Jerome says, cracking his knuckles for effect. “... But that second part’s optional.”
“I see. Tell me, Agent 0.6, how are you gonna go about stopping the bombs when you’re outnumbered like this?”
“Outnumbered? Whatchu talkin' ‘bout, Richard?”
As he says this, his signature “Point-Sixth Sense” kicks in, and he narrowly avoids two figures leaping in from behind him. They land in front of him, revealing two twin ninjas blocking his path, armed with katanas. Mr. Johnson gives a supervillain laugh as he folds his arms.
“Meet my two personal bodyguards, my hands in this business, Lefty and Righty. But you’ll get to know them as ‘The Juice Crew’... Because they’re about to put the squeeze on ya, and make ya bleed.”
Jerome, surprised wearing off, proceeds to smile himself as he removes his suit jacket, and then pulls his shirt off, revealing the gold chains he keeps around his neck. He simply brings both of his hands up, giving the finger to both of the ninjas. Provoked, they both rush him, katanas at the ready, giving a synchronized swing.
SHING
The katanas clash against Agent 0.6’s many rings across his fingers, as he blocks both swords almost unarmed. Swiftly, he delivers a side kick to Righty, sending the ninja flying as Jerome clutches Lefty’s sword between the rings. Mr. Johnson stares in disbelief.
“What?! How can you do that?!”
With his free hand, Jerome lands a heavy blow to Lefty’s midsection, followed by a roundhouse kick, sending him barreling through the air. Agent Point-Six gives a hearty laugh.
“Now I KNOW you ain’t been to the inner city! Where I come from, e’erybody in the hood knows Kung Fu!”
He assumes his classic “Black Panther” stance as the two ninjas recover themselves. Righty rushes ahead first, swinging rapidly, but every swing is deflected by both Jerome’s rings and his expensive gold wristwatch, not allowing Righty any openings before delivering a knee to the stomach and a fist to the face, crashing him into a window. Lefty, using this new opening, slashes right for Jerome’s chest.
CLANG
The katana impacts against Jerome’s many chains, leaving not a scratch on him. He grins as Lefty’s eyes widen.
“Oh, you done fucked up now, baby! HYOOOOOO”
Zero-Point-Six’s foot rockets up to Lefty’s chin, sending the ninja crashing into the train car roof, his body hanging there. His leg lowers, Jerome exhaling from the effort, just in time to hear the click of a revolver being chambered. He turns to see Mr. Johnson holding the gun to Jane’s head.
“No more, LeBrond! Stay right there and keep your bling where I can see it, or Miss Swallow here gets a new hole in her head!”
Jerome, seeing the fearful look in Jane’s eyes, slowly raises his hands. Richard gives one last evil laugh as the train speeds towards the ghetto.
“Looks like we’re coming into the station, yet it seems you’ve arrived at your last stop, Agent.”
He levels the gun at the agent just as 0.6 pulls an afro pick from the back of his head.
“But YOU’RE the one that’s gonna be riding the Soul Train, Dick.”
With lightning speed, he throws the pick at Johnson, impaling him right through the brain. He collapses to the floor, dead. Jerome breathes a sigh of relief as he runs over to save Jane. As he removes the duct tape from Ms. Swallow’s mouth, she quickly shouts out in fear.
“Jerome, the detonator! We’re almost in range!”
“Was hoping you could help me with that,” Jerome replies, untying her from her seat. She gets up and immediately starts working on the detonator terminal. It responds with a series of beeps and boops, but also the sound of failure.
“It’s no use, I’m locked out! We can’t stop it from triggering the bombs!”
“Well, there is one thing we could try…”
Jerome, having picked up Richard’s revolver, fires all six rounds into the machine. It makes a few pathetic dying noises before the display shuts down, smoke emitting from the gunshot holes. Jane clings to Point-Six, looking over the damage.
“... Well, let’s hope this works…”
Moments later, the train arrives in the ghetto, and after a few tense moments, no explosions are heard. The detonator is disarmed. The two of them embrace in joy, and share a passionate kiss after that harrowing experience. Jane pulls away and looks up at Jerome.
“How about we get out of here and see about that dinner you owe me?”
Taking her hand, Jerome starts leading her out of the train car, over the body of Mr. Johnson and picking up his clothes as they pass.
“Fo’ sho’, baby girl. Maybe afterwards, I can show you why you can’t ever go back…”
The two of them exit the train and onto the station, hand in hand. The camera pans out to show a sunset against the urban skyline, as the police sirens wail in the distance. Just another day in the inner city.
Now that was a groovalicious ending, boys and girls. Ain’t nothing like Zero-Point-Six layin the smackdown to some bad cats. Good for the soul, I’ll tell ya.
Next time on Jerome LeBrond, Agent 0.6: Jerome comes face-to-face with what could be his equal. Only difference is, one of ‘em is a honky from Georgia. Which sucka will come out on top and be the new top agent?
“Know your place, you fuckin' Nigg-”
