Now seems like a good time to tell you they're spelled "blatantly", "criticise/criticize", and "grammar"
Also that you're going to get people who are just being mean, whether you want it or not. It goes without saying that you're not looking for people to just annihilate your work without any contrsuctive feedback or encouragement. It's your own job to just tune those people out when they come.
Anyway, this is definitely an improvement. I can see where some of my advice was implemented— this time I'll focus on integrating it more smoothly into the narrative, as well as smoothing the piece out overall.
Dead-Weight Sentences
Every sentence should do at least one of three things: reveal character, push the plot forward, or deepen the world. If it doesn't do any of those, cut it. I'll give you a few ideas of what I think should be cut and why, but know that my word is not law and maybe all you need to do is rephrase it slightly, restructure the sentences around it to hold it better or put it somewhere else. Or maybe you have an argument for it staying as-is, where it is. I'd be happy to hear it. And remember, this is still your story, not mine; in the end, you have the final say.
Anyway, on to my suggestions.
Most of the sentences I thought were unnecessary are variations of triadic structures that are misplaced or misused, so I'll give some blanket advice. When forming a triadic build, remember that the good ones show either contrast, escalation, or ornate imagery. Consider if all three parts really matter, if the phrase builds momentum as it goes, and if combining all three into one strong image would create a more tight and controlled version for better effect.
Here's an example from your text:
I prayed to the dead gods that it wasn’t so, that I had just closed it for a few weeks, that it was just a trick of the light, a fever dream.
At first glance, this feels like a solid triadic build ("this, that, and the other" sentence structure), because it has a repetitive rhythm and escalating clauses. It doesn't actually function as one, though.
A triadic build is a list of three elements that build intensity, complexity, or contrast, often ending with the strongest or most surprising element. It’s a rhetorical device used for rhythm, clarity, and punch. Good examples are:
- “I came, I saw, I conquered.”
- “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
- “This isn’t a test. This isn’t a drill. This is war.”
Notice how each clause adds something new or ups the ante. There’s a rhythm to the structure that mirrors thought or emotion. The last item hits the hardest, or changes direction.
Your line falls short of that. There are three clauses, yes, but they don't build— it feels a little more backpedaling.
"That it wasn't so" is incredibly vague. Ground us more in the moment. "That I had just closed it for a few weeks" is a little more specific, but still not in a way that draws the reader's attention. "That it was just a trick of the light, a fever dream" is a combo. There are two things here and neither one is strong.
The clauses don't escalate in emotional intensity. It goes "hope this isn’t true / maybe I’m misremembering / maybe I’m hallucinating," and none of those things hit harder than the last. It's a list of similar details rather than a structured climb, making it fall flat. If you want a more effective structure for a triadic build, try a general emotional reaction, then a grounded and time-based fear, then a desperate hope.
Here's an example I came up with to help me illustrate the point, because I don't want to just rewrite your work but want to show you how a rewrite would work:
I wanted to scream. I wanted to sob. I wanted to curl into myself and disappear.
Pretty much the same problem here. All of these emotional reactions add up to "I feel bad", and you already explain that with the context. This doesn't add anything. In a triadic build, each line must earn its place.
This phrase could be good with just a little more emotional appeal— something visceral, tangible, that pulls the reader in. Here's an improved version:
I wanted to scream— curse the sky, blame the gods. I wanted to sob, quietly, like a child trying not to be heard. I wanted to vanish completely, to melt into the floor and never be found."
Each clause in that shifts: loud, quiet, absence. It evolves from performative to raw, showing the character unraveling. The original is a good start, but flat on its own.
Regardless of what I can do, there’s no use complaining about my situation.
That sentence is just filler. You're already showing us their emotional state. Don't ruin what you've got going by telling us they're resigned. It’s the equivalent of saying, “Anyway…” and then continuing to monologue.
Also, if it really didn’t matter, the character wouldn't have been spiralling over it just moments before. And if it does matter, don’t dismiss it. Let the narrator care deeply about things. It makes it more emotionally involved for the reader, too.
Other things to watch out for:
- Retreading Established Stakes. Once you tell us why something is important, unless you've got some kind of repeating mantra of self-convincing or other tension-building repetition, you don't need to say them again.
- Tell-Then-Show. If you're going to show the action, cut the telling. Let the action carry the emotion. If you're character is angry, just have them slam their hand down. Don't tell us they're angry first. I understand the urge to over-explain to make sure your point gets across, but you have to have a little trust in the reader.
- False Transitions. Basically anything that starts with "Anyway" fits in this category. It can work with certain narrators, but even so need to be carefully monitored.
Tired Tropes
My main complaint here is the "and then I realize the screaming came from me" thing. I just see it a lot. There are better, more unique ways to show delayed reactions that make more sense.
Also, "I ruined it. It's my fault." is common, too. Not that this doesn't mean you can't use it, but try to make it your own with elements that set it apart from other writing.
Lore Dump
Everything about the world is shoved at us in the third paragraph.
Good worldbuilding doesn't come in one paragraph. It’s woven into every action and description. Let setting details drip, not pour.
You also don't anchor any of this in reality. That paragraph is too abstract, too academic, and too long without grounding us in the character’s present— which is a pitfall of exposition-heavy paragraphs. Whenever you drop exposition, sandwich it between action or emotion. A character should live in their world, not lecture about it.
Paragraph Focus
Every paragraph kinda spirals into the same thing. You should try to assign them a general focus and stick to that. Break long thoughts into bite-sized chunks with clear emotional or narrative goals.
But how do you avoid lore dumps while focusing on one topic? It may seem counterintuitive, but it's actually not as hard as it sounds.
First of all, don't write paragraphs about your world. Embed small, relevant world details inside character-driven or plot-driven moments. Think of worldbuilding as seasoning rather than the main dish.
If you do find yourself with chunks of relevant information that need a paragraph to explain, split it into digestible paragraphs. Go from a few sentences about the lore to a new paragraph with something happening in the moment, which could be a sneer at the memory, a forlorn sigh, or some action or dialogue actually happening. Then, when it's natural, you can put in another worldbuilding paragraph.
But Also, More Worldbuilding
You still don't really explain what's happening. How was the portal destroyed? How does that relate to the character getting magic? Where do they fly off to in the end?
When readers feel teased, they expect payoff. If the character says they did something awful to get magic, we need to know what it was, or at least feel the immediate consequences. Don’t delay too long. Tension needs release to stay effective.
There's also urgency implied, but not explained. Tell us what the character will lose if they wait.
It's hard to hit on this if it's a small piece of a larger work, though. Where does this fit in? Is it the beginning? Some middle scene? The end?
Sentence Variety
Hi, we're here again. This piece is loaded with medium-length sentences. That leads to a numbing rhythm. Not boring, but not gripping either.
I step off the edge, and I fly. I ride the currents, finding updrafts and catching them, sending myself soaring up into the sky.
That's fine. It works. There's nothing wrong with it. But imagine if it had the tension and drama that short, staccato sentences can build.
I step off the edge. I fly. The wind hits my face like judgment. I rise.
Or maybe you'd prefer the dreamy wonder of stretched sentences.
The world bends beneath me, folding into light and wind and heat, and I rise like a memory unforgotten.
Short sentences bring urgency or finality. Long sentences bring thought, description, and wonder. Variety is what keeps a piece from being monotone.
Characterization
This is one of those things that people think they're doing when they're really not.
Even after reading all of this, the only thing I know about who your character is would be that they weren't born with magic anf they wanted it. Give them a personality. A tone. A voice. Right now, they're just floating.
A mood isn't a personality. Grief isn't a character trait. A character needs to react in a personal way. Do they repress it? Lash out? Get sarcastic? Do they romanticize it like a theater kid or bury it like a soldier? That’s personality.
Also— characters drive plot. If your character isn’t doing anything, but just reacting, your story becomes passive. The character drifts, and the reader follows them right out of the story.
The basics of character personalities are their desires, fears, values, and habits. Every person has those. Think of your character's— and don't tell them to us, either! Show it through their actions and thoughts. Let it leak into the descriptions you give: "The room was cold" becomes "He didn’t trust a room that quiet— like it was waiting for him to slip." Your story is even in first person, allowing for narrative voice to really take over.
Just think of this when you're stuck: What does your character want right now? What are they doing to get it? And what are they scared will happen?
You don't have to answer all of that in the scene, per se. Hinting at it's usually better, anyway. But if you can't sit down and write those things out, then the scene is in trouble.
conclusion
I have once again written too much, and it is once again 2 am. Joy.
Writing may seem like a continuous uphill climb, and that's because it is. You will never achieve perfection— but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Keep writing. Keep getting feedback. Keep applying that to your writing. Rewrite, reread, redo. Over and over and over again. This is an improvement from the first draft, and it's only up from here!
Oh, and kudos for seeing criticism and using it to make yourself better.
