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...because y'all have a lot to say. XD

As before, please keep your feedback positive. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" -- unless someone specifically asks for critique.

that took less than 48 hours. Good job guys

I was honestly expecting that one feedback thread might last multiple weeks. Not complaining, though! Even if we lose some people along the way, it seems like there's enough interest to make this a long-term thing. ^_^

 

This community has proven itself to be pretty damn awesome about this kind of thing.

Props to Morgan for picking fun prompts too!

@the_quiller I edited my story to fix the parts that you mentioned

It took a look and I think the test taking section is very much improved! It also gives us a little more detail about our main character - her age, what subjects she likes, etc. All in all, I like her much more as a character now than I did before, so great job!

The changes to the aliens certainly make them a lot more exotic, and your description was good - I had no trouble visualizing it at all. The white business suit was an interesting twist; I think I actually like the contrast between the very human-like clothing and the clearly inhuman alien. It makes for a good visual image!

Nice job, beta. Keep rockin' :)

Thanks, you too

wow sentinel penguin.

That was a disturbing emoticon...

What? It's an amazing amount of writing.

Sorry, posted in the wrong thread. XD

If you have any critiques other than "IT'S TOO FUCKING LONG, SENTINEL!" I'd like to hear it. XD

It would be a lot shorter without the duplicate paragraphs.  XD

Ah, what I can say? This was great! I loved the tone of narrator and the characters. The Alien encounter was the best! Your story kinda reminded me of Trailer Park Boys, though. 

Yours made me lol! Loved the bit where the aliens are trying to figure out who the people are and go, "Shit! They're American! RUN!!!" 

Goodness, mine and Cynical's are the shortest of them all. I feel so small...

Actually, I think It Ain't Pretty's is the shortest, so far. Jamescooker's at a solid second place.

Wow...I actually didn't even notice those. :P

I feel so small....

Yours had geriatric grandparents beating the shit out of aliens.

That's hard to top no matter how long or short it is.

Good things come in small packages.  XD

Out of context, I would assume that was a reference to testicular shrinkage. XD

Yours was excellent! I really liked how it raised a lot of questions about utopia, human free will, and the meaning of progress. It was a really good introspective character piece, in my opinion, and I enjoyed reading it lots.

Mine was only arbitrarily long because I couldn't figure out how to cram all three tropes in, haha.

Sentinel...already has half a novel written XD

I seriously could not figure out how to fit a cane into the story without making it sound less serious.

My reaction to Sentinel's story:

The venison has never been a greener shade of blue.

I can't even reread it proper!

But yeah, I got way too carried away describing the characters and making them lovable for a dialogue session that lasted only about 3 seconds, comparatively.

Oof. Reading Sentinel's gigantic block o' text made my eyes water.

Both from squinting, and from laughing too hard.

Your narrative tone is priceless, Sentinel.

One time I did mistake viagra for my morning vitamins. It wasn't as funny as it was in my story... It actually kind of hurt...

Pain is funnier when it happens to other people. Schaudenfreude and all that.

*Heavy's voice*

HAH! You are funny, little man!

Whoops, I just realized I forgot to ask for feedback on mine XD

All criticism welcome. I'm also interested in knowing how much it stretched your suspension of disbelief.

Sorry.  I should've waited for this post...

No problem, I'd actually love comments. I just didn't remember that people weren't allowed to make anything other than positive ones unless I specifically asked for it XD

From the 'Feedback' thread...

"It would make a great sci-fi/action movie or novel."  -  ItAintPretty

Your imagery was superb, and your character was kick-ass. I enjoyed reading it. 

Thank you! I'm glad that I reigned in my purple prose enough that you were still able to enjoy reading it. XD

I wouldn't mind any critiques either. I'll take whatever ya'll got  :)  

I really liked the Sci-Fi noir approach, and every other concept, but the dramatic part, at least when  it first started, felt a teeny bit forced. Not that it didn't earn its place shortly into it, but it was an abrupt transition that didn't land quite flushly.

Thanks! Would you mind explaining where it starts to seem forced?

When the Goatshead appears, it felt a little bit like I was expected to fear or hate it, but I wasn't yet given a reason.I was given a reason shortly after, but for a split second its presence seemed unfulfilled.

Ok, got'cha, and thanks again.

@Morgan_R

I fucking love this prompt. Worldbuilding, hell yes!

Glad you like it! I <3 worldbuilding. ^_^

Missed the deadline on my own exercise. In my defense, I got caught up working on a storygame. XD

Tuesday is scored, and Wednesday is up! ^_^

It's not quite midnight yet! There's still hope!

The deadline is based on site time, which coincides with my local time (EST). So yeah, no cane-wielding androgynously-named benevolent aliens from me. XD

Aww man. And I was almost done with mine.

What's with the randomly materializing and disintegrating wolf?

I thought it looked cool.

It did. I was just wondering if there was a story behind it. Wolves don't just randomly disintegrate...or materialize for that matter.

How about flash neon colors?

I haven't noticed any naturally occurring strobe wolves yet, to be honest.

How about one that is colored oddly and listening to music?

I do like that one, but I must ask how it is listening to music; the headphones aren't on it's ears.

Extraordinarily loud music?

Her poor canine ears. Well, maybe not. That would explain her being able to hear the music, even if it wasn't extremely loud.

Wait music? There is no music. You never saw a thing. Or is it you never heard a thing? *confuzzled look*

Where do you keep getting all these amazing wolf avatars?

Uploaded onto the site.

@TacocaT Even if you don't get the points for a late submission, it's still good practice and I'd love to see what you've written. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Great avatar, by the way.

Thanks, but I had already closed the tab I had it written on and I forgot what I had written on it.

This is why you should save often

I apologize. For Wednesday's assignment, I just typed a random Weird Al reference. I promise I'll edit in my real answer later. :)

@ISentinalPenguinI legendary

@ISentinelPenguinI

Your tag was misspelled, no offense.

it was

Yeah. No biggie, though. He hasn't shown up to comment, either way.

What do you mean by holiday?  I've been trying to get a start, but I just can't...

Any cultural excuse to gather on a specific date, in order to eat, drink and be merry. XD

Excuses include the new year or other seasonally significant dates, marking a historical event, honoring a particular individual or group, and probably lots more I'm not thinking of. Most are celebratory, but some are more solemn. Common customs include the aforementioned eating, drinking and merriment, but also gifts, parades, songs, dancing, fireworks, etc.

Alrighty, I just finished mine. Let me know what you guys/gals think.

Yours was good. I'm a bit too tired to say much more than that, but I did like the historical connections as well as the chaos meets order themes. Mine is also done.

I really liked your interesting take on an anarchist replacement for the USA. I really liked your writing style, especially for the holiday description. The attitude of the leaders is really cool and I wish real life politicians were like that. The part I liked the most about your scene was the contrast between the protagonist's mood and the rest of the country's.

So... my first entry into this thingy.

What do you guys think? The explanation was ... admittedly not my best work, but I did try to make the scene itself pretty decent.

The scene was great! I was really intrigued by the identity of our view-point character, with all the little hints you threw out. He's clearly not just anyone - maybe a deity related to the festival? Either way, it was extremely well-written with lots of vivid imagery.

@the_quiller I really liked your holiday, it struck me as so unique and interesting. You really fleshed out the holiday part so it seemed like the first part told more of a story than your bonus (which was also charming).

First off, I just really love the writing style with its amazing descriptions which give you a really vivid image of the whole festival, which is what this exercise should be all about. Creative idea for a holiday and, as Quiller says, the narrator's identity is intriguing.

OK, this is for the people who asked me for feedback on their three tropes exercises yesterday. Sorry this is late.

@NightBirdBlue I thought your scene had great ideas and it was very funny. Exterminating squirrels using walking sticks? XD I love how ridiculous a demand that was for curing cancer and ending earthquakes. I thought the way you wrote the Cane Fu trope into it very creative; you found a use for canes for creatures that don't even have legs. It was a great read even though according to you it's not a genre you're used to writing.

@betaband You managed to stuff your short piece full of plot and ideas. It was really clever how you wrote in benevolent aliens who helped abused children, but at the same time actually were using humans for their own selfish goals. Time travelling aliens is also stood out as unique. The ending was a very unexpected twist and it leaves you wondering if the aliens really did kill Max, especially because they injected her.

EDIT: My worldbuilding exercise is up. Positive feedback and constructive criticism would be very welcome.

That was really good, it seems like a cool village to be in where everyone learns martial arts. It also did a good job representing relationships between siblings and relationships between friends.

Mine is also up if anyone wants to critique it.

Oh dear. After having read yours it really looks like I took some of your ideas, what with a golden dragon giving people the gift of knowledge. XD I swear, though, I didn't read anybody else's before doing mine.

As for your holiday, I thought the idea of a sacrifice was very surprising and interesting as I kind of expected all the holidays to be all purely happy and merry occasions. In your scene I kind of expected June to be the one to be sacrificed. Although you told us what happened in the end, the elaborate plan part leaves a good mystery and could maybe be written in a future story.

@31TeV oh well, it's not your fault

Wasn't actually planning on doing today's exercise, but in the end I just decided to stay up late and get it done, since I already had the idea in my head and just needed to write it down. 

nice twist, as usual, your writing was very good. I really liked how the celebration seemed chaotic, but the narrators' voice was really calm. All in all a very good piece of writing.

Thanks Beta! Was trying to base it on Aztec history where being chosen as a human sacrifice was supposed to be considered a great honor. 

I think that the sex before a sacrifice would be much better than the mayan's genital blood letting (btw it was the mayans who did sacrifice, not the aztecs)

I thought Aztecs did it too... And yeah, I mean if you're going to be sacrificed you should at least get some virgins out of it. 

Actually, it was both the Mayans and the Aztecs. They were equally infamous for that sort of nastiness. You know that temple of doom scene? The guy whose heart was ripped out? Yeah, um. Aztecs practiced that shit. They had a lot of gory practices and frankly, I cannot even remember all of them from school, but here's one I do recall, (though I have to quote cracked.com for the details)

"So, for instance, during the sacrifice to the fire god, a newly-wed couple would be tossed into, you guessed it, a fire. Then, right before they finally died (from their horrendous burns), they'd drag them out, flesh still smoking, and dig out their hearts."

"Wait, it gets better! There was the offering to the earth goddess, which involved a young woman's skin being removed and worn around like a Silence of the Lambs-style serial killer flesh suit."

@betaband

@Briar_Rose

 

Thank you Kiel! I knew the Aztecs were messed up too. 

Alright, sorry if I keep writing these fucking novels, I just wanted to clearly establish the history. 

If you want to skip it and just read the scene, basically, there's a big war between all the stereotypically good fantasy races and all the stereotypically evil fantasy races. An orc general did something that pissed off the most influential Penguinite tribes to the point of them taking on an even more genocidal strategy. They gathered up everyone who was fucked in the head, and taught murder techniques to heavily indoctrinated elite soldiers, who went on a rampage burning down villages and murdering all the civilians in their path, and eventually turned orc slave children into murder machines to help them destroy a huge Orc stronghold full of innocents. Then they dissappeared and there were a bunch of monster attacks.

This gave the Penguinites such a morality scare that they became the generally least racist of the stereotypically good side and made a holiday about being kind and mourning and apologizing their misdeeds that's supposed to banish these demons.

Tehehe. Yours made me giggle ^_^

I was going to do the entire Christmas Carol, but it got to the point where I said "Fuck it, I have shit to do!... Like sleeping!"

I finished the holiday exercise just now.

I would appreciate both feedback and constructive criticism.
 

Wow, yours was good. In the bonus you didn't just make up a holiday, you created an entire world. Props for that.

On the writing side, the sentences were good, and it flowed nicely. One thing that could use some work is the dialog which seems emotionless.

Well to be fair, it is a world I have already had in creation. I've been working on the same world for probably five years now. I've made variants of it, like the one in my unpublished game Wolf Child. In that one, the shapeshifters, which are also referred to as demons, do not have a particular country that they call home on the mainland. Plus the mainland has less space and countries on it.

The dialog was something I knew I messed up. I couldn't get enough of a feeling of my characters in. Alison is a character I've been working on for as long as the world. Christian is a year old addition that I felt needed to be a partner in crime for Alison. I should have put more effort into the dialog showing off their closeness and having them go over their plan or something.

Just posted mine. I have to go for a bit, but any critique is appreciated. I can already see a lot of problems with the scene I did, including shamelessly taking names from other places instead of making up my own. I'll try to get back soon to comment on everyone else's work later tonight. I swear I've been meaning to since the beginning, but things keep coming up.

Just posted mine. It's right after Morgan's post (don't ask). I haven't put a bonus (yet?), but please, feel free to comment.

James, I read your holiday and the first thing I thought of was that this scenario is the reason why gods need prophets.

Internet's down on my computer. No scoring until it starts working again. Tapped out Thursday's exercise on my phone, though!

@LostConnection cutting it a bit close aren't you?

That's how I do it. So close, can't cut any closer without peeling skin off.  

The challenge is hard though... :(

 

BUT I WILL CONQUER IT 

 

Just finished my character's questions. As always, criticism would be be utmost appreciated.

Any feedback, positive or negative, would be nice.

Done with the character building exercise.
Any feedback or criticism is welcome, like always.  

 A complicated family. The writing was good, and had a good use of first person dialog. A solid write in general. But who names one kid ice and another kid frost?

They're not exactly human. Naming for shape shifters, also known as demons, vary in the story world from human sounding names to names of things related to appearance or nature. The second kind of name is more traditional. Human sounding names are sometimes made fun of and treated with disrespect. Frost and Ice both have pure white hair. Snow also has pure white hair. There is another half brother in the family named Blaze. Frost, Snow, and Alison's mother name is Storm. Their names and titles are wonderfully complicated because technically Alison's full name and title and would be "Princess Alison "Nightshade" Darko Daruiku, 2nd Heir to the Darko House, Apprentice of Whiteblade."

Frost at the time he died would of been "Prince Frost Darko Daruiku."

Ice would be "King Ice "Coldheart" Darko Dariuku, Head of Darko House, Apprentice of Whiteblade." Although some would resist the "King" part in his name. 
 

Holy damn, you really got this world fleshed out pretty well! 

I've spent years on it. xD

I hope I can stay committed to a world as you have. The longest I ever stay on something is about two years tops. Are you planning on writing a series about your characters in this world of yours? 

I want to. I don't know if I will or not.

Alright, I just finished with the character questions. Any questions, comments, or critique on it?

Vote on which character I should interview when I come back later today.

1. Tom, the protagonist and narrator of my upcoming storygame Overlord, before he conquered the world (see my bonus scene from the this week's Monday exercise).
2. Pete, the protagonist of my upcoming horror storygame Blood Aquarium, before the events of the story. He is a student in a modern day setting.
3. Serrene, a character I made up just now. She is a mage priestess at the Temple of Gunri who was recently conscripted into the Light Brigade of the Arefvin Allied Forces.

3. Serrene

@NightBirdBlue

Your character is very well developed with a well explained past involving lots of (quite complex) family drama. I really like the way Alison is conflicted in many ways about whether her reasons for fighting are right and if she should have killed her brother. Cool idea of combining shapeshifter claws with fire magic.

Mmm... Tom.

@Kiel_Farren

The use of the darkness from GOLAD as the 'interviewer' was very creative, and we got some great insight into a character who was a great mystery in that story. Well written and vivid description too. Very, very nicely done, Mr Farren.

Thank you, Tev! ^^

I vote 1. Tom.

@the_quiller

I love Becoming Legend so far and it's nice to get to know more about one of its main characters. It's great how Airien's characterization is shown through his dedication to the empire but at the same time he longs a little bit for a different life. The very subtle answer at the end ('to the fullest extent of my capabilities') seems to be a hint to something in the future, which is impressive because you've managed to grip the reader in an exercise you wouldn't expect it to happen in.

@31TeV

Thanks! I actually wrote it as an attempt to get into my main character's head, since I'm terrible at writing my own POV characters :P

Yours was phenomenal. I wish this story, storygame, or whatever you're planning on making Tom's story into already existed so I could read it. The main character is just so hilariously sociopathic that you can't help but like him for his sheer over-the-topness. The entire role model section had me in stitches - when else can you see Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan, Old Testament YHWH, and Joker mentioned together as role models? The refuge in audacity made it an incredible read.

Tiddlywinklesporktigonstew needs to become a real word. XD

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. :)

I have more plans for Tom to make up words in Overlord. I came up with the whole thing this Monday through the exercise. I'm thinking about finishing it first before Blood Aquarium, especially because it should be relatively quicker to write.

I vote for Tom. That bonus scene left me wanting more.

Just finished the first part of my character's interview. Feedback is of course welcome :)

Lol! Yours was hilarious! ^_^

Yours was pretty hilarious, too. xD I didn't expect you to interview Lula... loved it.

Thanks! I wanted to interview a character I'd already come up with and knew everything about, so I picked Lula 'cos I figured a lot of people would recognize her. ^_^

Who knew you could do a beefy, muscles for brains character like that?  XD

I cracked up at the very first interview answer and didn't stop laughing all the way through. It was great.

Alright, finished my interview.  Go ahead and ask away about anything if thing's don't seem clear enough to you.

Wait, so am I still allowed in the list?

Who what now? Why wouldn't you be?

I'm not updating the list/scoring right now, because my computer is pretending it can't see the network. And it would be an enormous pain to do on my phone.

Ooooh, okay.

xD I feel like a bit of a black sheep today, mine wasn't at all funny. On the other hand, people who played through the dagger path of my game might like the fact that I gave y'all a brief glimpse of "pre-prequel stuff."

Anyway, what did you guys think?

It's okay, mine wasn't funny either :/

Since the dagger path was my favorite path out of all five endings in GoLaD, it's safe to say that I thought this was utterly fantastic XD. Even if I hadn't, though, it was still a great read because your imagery and dramatic voice are all extremely well done and keep the whole passage intriguing.

*chuckle* That reminds me, did you ever find out his name?

Aaaaargh, I still haven't successfully romanced him!!

Who's name?

The third "mystery" romance-able character in my horror game, Taco. xD As far as I know, no one's actually received his ending.

(Well, correction: Either of his endings. You can choose to be with him, then go back on it by saying you two are just friends.)

And believe me, we're trying.

I'm this close to to having a breakdown and insanely trying to use every item on every page in every possible order XD

xD ... And it would be a huge waste of your (very) valuable time as items have actually nothing to do with it, so should I tell you the solution?

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

No! I must...arrrrrgh.

*shrug* Okey dokey. Good luck, then. I look forward to hearing your feedback upon your success.

@the_quiller

Though, if you change your mind... *sitting nearby with a brief guide on how to get said character* :P

I'm actually discovering even more endings I totally missed the first time. Including one where both you and Layne become vampires. I'm still being surprised by how much of this game there is, and I've been playing it since July!

I already found that path. Still can't find the one romance thing.

It's funny because I thought those endings were the easier ones to get to, because I got those and then was stuck for ages trying to figure out how to get the 'main' endings. I just couldn't find all the medallion pieces.

I found all the medallion pieces! Just, kinda, uh, forgot how to get one of them........>_>

If you need help you can PM me.

EDIT: Or just use Kiel's walkthrough.

I want to figure out how to get the endings by myself.  Thanks for the offer though.

Not gonna lie, Taco, I would be really impressed if you managed without a walkthrough of any kind.

Getting all the medallion pieces? I just played it again and I remember how I got them all and got the best ending.

Getting all the endings. xD

Oh. I think that's pretty much impossible..........

xD Pretty much, but that's why I'd be really impressed, lol.
 

Man, your story is really long. I can't even end it without dying from one thing or another, or get a boring ending by avoiding conflicts. xD You said it took you around a year to finish writing it, yes?

Over. ^^'

*laughs* It makes me happy to know that a few people are really enjoying the replayability of that thing. I was afraid, for a while, that no one would actually bother giving it more than one try.

Ah. A lot of people miss the vampire pathways because it's a bit counter-intuitive. But, uh, there are multiple outcomes to that pathway, with at least 4 tragic endings, 3 happy endings, and... 2 ambiguous ones, I think? (Yes, I said "at least" and "I think" because that's as many as I remember. It's the shortest path in the game and it still has that many endings. xD ... Yes, thank you for asking, I am insane.)

Devil's Chess will have even more branching paths and different endings, right? :P

>_> "Haha, oh my God, no. It would probably kill me to make another GoLaD..." 

...is what I want to say, but D.C. is going to be heavier on scripting and it's going to have quite a few puzzles, possibly more complex than its predecessor. *facepalm* Plus, because it's tying in to the original story while having its own unique take, there will inevitably be several possible endings. Not nearly as many as the original and the branches will likely be shorter, but it'll still be at least a good... 600 pages, maybe?

-.-' Also, I'm gearing up to make something even bigger than my first game. Dammit, I have such a love / hate relationship with my imagination.

Is the even bigger game going to be part of the GOLAD horror story or another series/story?

No. It was originally going to be a stand alone game, but it looks like it's going to kick off its own series.

As for the horror series I have ... D.C. may be the last game for that universe. Or not. :P We shall see.

I thought you had a third upcoming game for the horror/GOLAD series?

Ohh. Ok. You're ... referring to "In The Dark," aren't you? That project is a horror / puzzle / mystery game, same as GOLAD and to some extent, D.C., but while they are grouped together, that does not mean their plots have any correlation. 

 

Oh wow... could it be... THAT guys?

With that reaction, is the third romance-able dude jake or something?

Edit:  Um, never mind. I don't want to be told yet.

 

... Okay, you don't have to look, then, but for other people: HELL NO!

*blinks innocently at TeV* Who?

I'll shoot you a PM.

That was loads of fun! Probably my favorite exercise so far. ^_^

I love Lula's character so much right now. Her down-to-earth brand humor is priceless. Her answer to the 'legacy' question had me in stitches.

Language barrier ftw.

xD Agreed, that was hilarious.

Hehe. Thanks! Mostly it's not even her sense of humor, she just doesn't really understand the question. 

Lulu's interview was very, very funny. I just love the way she talks.

I can't believe I haven't read the Price of Freedom yet. That is where she's from, right? I need to go do that.

Yeah, that's where she's from. ^_^

(And it's Lula) 

Okay, so I'm going to put this up for vote. Do you think I should add much more to the length of my thing with a bonus, or just add a sentence or two for ending the interview how it is?

It really depends on what the questions are and whether you think it would show better what your character is like. I'm gonna vote for the more lengthy one, though.

Okay. I was just making sure that if I made it longer with the bonus, people wouldn't put tl;tr.

I guess that is something to consider because there's so much writing on that thread now. I'm still reading people's Wednesday stuff. I don't know about anyone else but I'm planning to read all of them, even if they are long.

Yeah. I think I'll wait until I have a few more votes on it before I continue.

A little rule of thumb for any written work: if an increased length of a work adds more depth, but remains coherency, then add the length. If not, then don't. tl;dr be damned.

Anyone? I need another vote or two please........

@Swiftstryker

I know this is a little late, but holy shit, your holiday is so detailed and fleshed out. You didn't just come out with all that in one day, did you?

I did.  :P

Then that was some impressive stuff. Very interesting lead, if a little confusing.

I'm more than happy to clarify a few things if you need to.  :P

What exactly are the Strata? (the plural of Stratum, I guess)

Mispelling, but yeah, it was supposed to be :P

Just put up my piece for the questions exercise. It turned out a little cheesier than expected. Any comments and critiques are appreciated. One thing I noticed from these exercises is that I have difficulty with character voice. Any advice with that would be very helpful.

I don't think you have problems with character voice, I think you did the best you could with the character you were working with. I was quite surprised reading through some of the interviews to find that a lot of people chose to interview quite quiet and private kinds of people that didn't really want to answer the questions. I think the people who chose to interview really chatty characters had a much easier job. 

I thought yours was really good. A well developed character who I actually thought had a great character voice. I think you're being overly critical of yourself when you say your interview is cheesy. I agree with Briar and I think you've done a great job of getting the reader to know about a character who's reluctant to talk about himself without it feeling forced. There's also at least a somewhat thought out world you've built for the character too, which is promising.

I know you want critique but I honestly can't think of anything that would be an improvement.

Sorry the exercise is up late, I kinda fell asleep at 11:30. But then my cat woke me up at 4 AM, so here I am. >_<

It's ok, it was still good timing for me because I only just woke up. :)

The first person to reply to this post will get to decide which of my five first sentences I will write two endings for. You cannot choose sentence 1.

Normally I would leave it for a while to get some votes, but today I don't have enough time for that.

Reply complete. 

3, and 5, yo. 

Thanks for the reply. But it has to be two different endings from the same beginning sentence. So please choose between 3 and 5.

Haha. Okay. I choose 3 then. 

My two endings are for the same story with the same characters but from a different perspective and with a different turn of events. Can anybody figure out the connection between them and what small difference in the chain of events brought about the bigger differences?

Well I'm guessing that in the first ending it turned out the guy was the father and in the second ending it turned out that he wasn't.

You got it. I suppose it wasn't that difficult but it at least shows you were paying attention. :P

Yey! I win! ... Do I get a cookie? ^_^

You can get some feedback on your ending(s) once I get home so I can use my computer.
Buy sorry, no cookies. :(

I posted mine. I'll post the bonus later.
I would like critiques on the exercise.


 

I am REALLY interested in this story you're writing and can't wait to read the bonus ending!

(Also I'd absolutely love for the girl in my story to get her hands on the guy from your story! It'd be so much fun!)

I've just done the bonus ending. :)

(It would be rather interesting for her I bet. xD)

You guys should collaborate on a crossover where the two characters meet. XD

@NightBirdBlue

I instantly loved Michael Summers as a character from your Monday piece and I'm glad we got to see more of him. Both very satisfying endings and we got to see some interesting insight into Michael as well as Janice. It makes you wonder what could have happened between the opening scene and the ending.

If I was to suggest an improvement, I would say you could have made the two endings more different from one another, which is what this exercise was about. While they had very different outcomes for Michael and Janice, there were certain parallels situation wise and the two were written/presented in a similar way.

Thank you for this and previous feedback and critiques.

I brought him back because I found him as interesting as others did. Writing from the viewpoint of someone who would usually be the opposition to the main character has always been something that has fascinated me.

I can see what you mean abut them having parallels. I actually made them that way to see how different they go direction wise. It was sort something I wanted to try out as I'm thinking about one of my storygames that I'm making and how I can make something inevitable, but still have things different in outcome.

It is like going from point A and eventually arriving to point B.  However whether B leads to thing C or thing D is based along what happened between A and B.

 

I'm feeling oddly philosophical about today's exercise along with Monday's.

I see all our beginnings from Monday could easily also be endings.
I also see all of the endings from today could easily also be beginnings.

There is barely any difference between the two parts of the story. The difference is really only where they fall.
An ending is really just a new beginning to a story after the written story.
A beginning is really just a ending of a story before the written story.

That hurts my brain. 

Well think about it, the ending, the non bonus, you gave could be the start of her prison life where she takes out other prisoners.
Of course, the bonus ending could be the same way.

My exercise today could be the start of Michael's post capture and escape killing spree.
 

Another example would include:

Your own storygame, The Price of Freedom: Innocence Lost:
The beginning could be described as the ending of the player character and Alexius' previous normal life story up till that point.
 

Lol. No, I do get it, it's just the way you put it was confusing. 

I'm silly when I'm explaining things. xD

@ISentinelPenguinI beautiful. Btw feed back of any sorts is welcome 

All done! ... And that was fun! I'm really starting to like this girl I came up with. She'd make a really fun super villain or something ^_^

Sorry Briar, but I'm too drunk to make sense of anything more than a couple of paragraphs at a time, so your feedback will have to wait till tomorrow.

You naughty Tev, you.

It's not my fault that this particular Tev gets drunk very easily. :P

Whatever, man. What you do is up to you.

Or up to my friends peer pressuring me, apparently. XD

That's not healthy. :)

Naw, I didn't let them make me drink too much. It's mainly us joking around. They would stop me if I was going too far anyway.

It's nice to have friends like that. It's nice to have friends, period.

@Briar_Rose

You're right, she's a very engaging and charismatic character. I would love to see more of her in future stories. If you do make her a villain she'd certainly be one you can empathise with; she's done terrible things but you can see why, and she's retained an amazing amount of sanity and rationality considering what she's done. I feel liked she'd be really interesting as a protagonist too. Great job of writing two endings that were both great ideas and make total sense for the character.

Wait, which character?

The one in her ending exercise this Friday.

Thanks Tev! Would be fun to write more with her later, but first I'd have to come up with a world to put her in. 

Uploading what I do have, because thanks to profound slowness of brain-cell zappery I don't think I'll finish ending No. 2 in time.

Is that as in you won't upload your second ending at all? Because even without the points it's still good practice and everybody seems to love your writing.

Here are the ones that I read. Any feed back of mine is welcome.

@31TeV a well written ending that if it was an actual book, summed things up well. It was artistically written.

@NightBirdBlue fantastic, I love the direction you took the story and I would love to see how it led to that. I mentioned in one of your posts that the dialog was fairly dull, but you completely fixed that and it is now so packed with emotion.

Penguin: as I said in an earlier post, that was just brilliant. Just so amazingly funny.

@Kiel_Farren so well written I can't believe it. This is the kind of thing that people make movies and fanfictions about.

@Brair_Rose probably my favorite out of them all and we have some just fantastic writers on this site. 

@taragirl it was just so easy to read, the sentences and word choice was excellent, a pleasant break from the nazi slaying and fantasy battles.

 

I actually really liked yours. It wasn't really dramatic and didn't have anybody dying or worlds getting torn apart or all the "Look at me! I have drama!" stuff that mine and most of the other games had. Both endings just had to do with the simple pleasures and contentment that you can find in every day life... And that actually makes for a really satisfying ending. ^_^

"It wasn't really dramatic and didn't have anybody dying"

But... Betaband's first ending was... xD about a teen suicide. Aren't you referring to uh, TaraGil's?

Dammit! Don't know how I got them mixed up. Anyways, I really liked Beta's too! I thought it was really clever that bit where the guy talks about becoming a statistic. It made me want to know what'd happened in the story earlier ^_^

Seriously? Thanks, Beta. I felt kind of lazy while I was writing it, but I must admit, I wanted to tell that particular story for a long time.

*cracks knuckles* I'd say I owe you guys some feedback.

@31TeV The first ending was depressing in the most enjoyable way possible. I liked it. The second ending was, in an odd contrast, strangely hilarious. Also, if you were trying to get us to cringe at your description of the kiss (and I suspect you were xD) well done. It takes a lot to get that reaction out of me. xD

@NightBirdBlue Your first ending was ... reminescent of The Dark Knight's Joker. I thought that performance was brilliant--and perhaps a bit too real, considering what happened to Mr. Ledger, but it strikes a chord in its artistic madness. I would love to read this as an actual story. The second ... is asking us to feel sympathy for a complete monster and I almost do, and that is really f*cking disturbing--in a good way.

@Briar_Rose Like Blue, your character was delightfully violent and crazy, but for ... arguably better reasons and worse ones at all the same time, which was an interesting little paradox. If this was a story, I'd want to play it, it would be reminescent of the "Reincarnation" series and the "Orchestrated Death" series, both of which I loved. I genuinely felt ... moved by the second ending. I didn't get misty-eyed or anything, but your different take on her character was... fascinating. Deep stuff there, Bri.

@betaband ... I'd like to say that I don't know what it is about stories involving depression, despair, or suicide, that interests me. I'd like to say that, but I'd be lying. It was a brief first ending, but it wasn't the kind of piece that needed to be any longer than it was. Well done. I'm not sure what to make of the second, but I liked it, nonetheless. Wish I knew more.

@ISentinelPenguinI ... I laughed a lot  throughout reading your first. It was hilarious and I loved it. Your narrator is great. This, as a story, sounds like a lot of fun. The second ending was funny, too. I liked the "like Jesus himself sneezed death upon the twisted form of the Nazi experiment" line.

@Danaos  I'm a sucker for mythology, man, and I really liked your first ending. The way you expressed the emotions of the people, of humanity in that world, I enjoyed it. Well written, good job, I'm looking forward to the bonus.

@TaraGil ... The peaceful tone of your writing is a really pleasant change. I love drama, I love action, I love angst, I love horror, and yet that's partly because it's hard to make the normal, quiet moments sound interesting. It takes a certain kind of talent to make art out of the mundane. Good work.

Also, I'd love to hear what you guys think of mine. ^^

Your endings were seriously epic, and I especially thought the second one was a truly beautiful read. You don't even have to read the rest of the story to know that it was a seriously good plot. The ending really seemed to tie loose ends and it was a touching reunion between the protagonist and those he cared about. His loss of memory of Dante, while sad, somehow I feel that the main character got what he truly wanted.

Thank you. Interesting theory, that. Truthfully, he got what he believed he wanted because he couldn't see beyond the present. The fact that he momentarily struggled against his decision was an indication that, had he gone on living, it would've been worth while to him ... but without those memories, he stopped resisting. Ignorance is bliss, they say.

This story idea has been rattling around in my head for a very long time, but I haven't been able to work on it.  It was originally supposed to end with the death of the main character, but a friend of mine persuaded me to change it. This was, I suppose, a chance for me to see "what could've been."

Okay, voting time!

1) Weekends are for goofing off! No writing exercises please!

2) Weekends are when I write! More writing exercises please!

^_^

2. This is my "me" time, where I can just relax and be the nerd I truly am. xD For me, relaxing and writing are best buds.

Edit: Briar and Swift make very good points. =\ I do have a lot of other projects.

 

2) I love writing. Plus this is good experience.

1) I'd like to get Beneath a Broken Sky done...

1) Weekends are for writing Price of Freedom and I know I'll get nothing done if I spend hours doing my writing exercises. 

1, please. I have a lot of reading I want to get done, and that includes reading the rest of everyone exercises. The weekend still could be used for Writing Exercises. Maybe we could brainstorm other exercises to use for the next weeks. Perhaps we could also use the time to comment on others' work and get some feedback on how these writing exercises experience has been as a whole.

1) Because I'm busy most weekends. I think five exercises a week takes up a lot of time as it is. The weekend could be a time to encourage reflection and feedback on the exercises done during the week.

I hate to say it, but 1. I'm making a game and I really want it to be good this time around. (I also want Quiller and Kiel to finish their games because based on the writing I've seen, they're going to be good.

1 it is. ^_^

Week One is scored! Nice work, everyone! Hope you all are enjoying your weekend, and maybe getting some real writing done. ;)

Also? You folks collectively wrote over 50,000 words this week. (I'd say 'we,' but considering I only did Monday's exercise... XD)

So yeah... nice work. ^_^

Final scoring (and tagging folks so they see this):

@Danaos: 75
@NightBirdBlue: 75
@betaband: 75
@31TeV: 75
@Briar_Rose: 75
@ISentinelPenguinI: 75
@TaraGil: 75
@the_quiller: 60
@jamescoker1226: 55
@LostConnection: 45
@Kiel_Farren: 45
@Cynical: 35
@ItAintPretty: 30
@Swiftstryker: 30
@TacocaT: 30
@Romulus 25
@coins: 15
@Malkalack: 15
@Virtualide: 15
@Morgan_R: 15
@Fireplay: 15

@Morgan_R tagging doesn't work if you put punctuation without a space

Oops! Thanks for letting me know. >_<

Hurray! I win!!! ... Well I'm joint with 6 other people, but I still consider it a win. 

anyone that stil wants feedback on any of their work, let me know :)

I have some free time

Sure, what did you think of my last post?

Can I have feed back on any of my entries of your choice.

Apologies in advance for giving feedback, like, just now. (And only for the last exercise, even >.<) Better late than never, I suppose?

@31TeV Wow, what a stark contrast in endings. The first endings feels very satisfying and matches well with the opening sentence. It feels sad and tragic but somehow it feels right. Second ending, though, was definitely an entertaining change of pace. I have a feeling that if I knew was behind the perspective of the second ending's was, I'd probably dislike their character, but not in a bad way. Whoever it was, they had a clearly distinct character and one hell of a view of the world and situation they lived in. Same case for the first one, now that I think of it.

@NightBirdBlue When I read the Monday exercise, I had a feeling that Michael's story would end dramatic and deadly. I was not disappointed, and I love both endings for that. Both feel like really fitting ends to the story of Michael and Janice, or at least the tension they have between each other. The character of Michael is very strong, and it creeps me out that he's written so well, the reader can understand and maybe even emphasize with them. Amazing work.

@Briar_Rose I'll admit. This is not the first time I read or watched a character like this one. But while the idea is not new to me, it's really the execution of said idea that makes or breaks it. This is exactly how characters like this should be written. She's cold-blooded, well-written, sane enough to understand what she's doing, can rationalize what she does to the listener, doesn't BS about who she is or what she does, and still manages to be a solid, even likable character. I really like the way she talks, especially how she talks with the officer at the end of each ending. They're both very strong character pieces.

@betaband That first ending was amazing. Short, but strong. Not a single sentence was wasted. Those last four sentences are incredible. The second ending makes me more interested in the story. I'm a little hesitant to say more on it, though, since it is a WIP. The idea there is good, though.

@ISentinelPenguin That was fun. Really fun. Plus, the POV guy is amazingly entertaining. The action and pacing went very well for the scenes. And that ending. Definitely didn't expect that. I have to say, I didn't expect it to, but it was super entertaining, fun, and hilarious all the way through.

@Danaos I love high concept ideas like this, especially when it involves things like gods. I'm also a sucker for pyrrhic victories, so it's a given I'd love the ending. As far as diction goes, it's probably one of my favorites. The idea of an uncertain future and an age that is neither inherently good or bad is a very appealing and satisfying ending to a story that I presume is, at its core, about war, change, and free will.

@Kiel_Farren The brief bit of imagery in the first ending is amazing. Like Danaos, both endings have good diction. There's something very fantastical about the first ending. It's a concept that makes it feel part story part legend, in a way. I've always been a fan of endings like that. It's also refreshingly different than the second ending, and makes me wonder what happened in the story to make the events change so much. The second ending is just as well-written yet done in a different way. It's emotional, and a bit of a subtly bad end for the protagonist. There's something I found horrifying about lost potential and being able to see what could have been. I almost wish that he didn't forget to make for more emotional impact.

Thanks to those that commented on my endings. I'm glad to see people liked those peaceful scenes. Thanks to the two who commented on my interview one, too. Guess I did better on them than I thought.

@Morgan_R Can you tag me the next time you post a new challenge? It would make it a lot easier to find the actual challenge. Well, actually I think it's a good idea to tag everyone who's participating every time you post a new challenge. 

Do you mean for the week, or every day?

Edit: Okay, presumably every day... yeah, I could do that, if that's what people prefer.

Thanks. xD I look forward to completing your next challenge. 

It would be appreciated. ^^'

Just finished ending two. I'm welcoming all questions, comments and critique.