Fucking hell, Morgan! I went and wrote a whole short story! It contains all three. If you want to confine it down to JUST one scene, confine it to the scene in the forest. It's not nearly as awesome alone, but it contains all 3 of those at once.
Leslie was, by all definition, a very masculine person. Build, organs, mustache and soul patch, (Really, the only way for a soul patch not to look unfashionable is to wear a mustache above it.) and everything else that came with the male end of a human's condition. The only thing out of place was that his name was Leslie. But that really didn't matter to him. There was once an American president named Leslie, and there were worse androgynous names to be called. Sue, for example. Or Bolga. For now, Leslie, aged 25, his final pubescent stages subtly ending, was sitting on a chair, on the porch of his trailer watching the sun go down. It was the single west-facing trailer in the whole trailer park, and he was the only middle-class person living in that park. Perhaps the only middle-class person taking up residence in a trailer park outside of the Deep South or Appalachia. It had been going down for a very long time now, so long, in fact, that Leslie's eyes began to ache through his sunglasses.
That could have just been the bourbon, though. Leslie never watched a sunset without a nice bottle of it by his side, if not for drinking, then for moral support. And, well, he hadn't missed a sunset since he was 17. One way or another, Leslie found a halfway-decent vantage point to look at the sunset with, and he found at least a glass of bourbon to accompany him to it. Leslie, in his red pajamas, with the best bourbon he's had in years, wearing his favorite pair of Morpheus-style sunglasses, in his plaid flannel pajamas, with a noticeably longer sunset than usual, could not possibly be happier. This was the high life. Leslie could have died right there and not complained. When the last of daylight's colors drained from the sky like blood out of an upside-down person's legs, Leslie gave the sun a standing ovation, put his drink away, and went inside to sleep on his squeaky brass bed.
While Leslie is sleeping, perhaps it would be best to pass the time by spewing background information. Narrators usually do this when characters do time-consuming things, like long walks to another character's house, or reading some newspaper or another as soon as the one article the narrator ever describes mentions something you know nothing about as a newbie to this universe. But I'm not going to be a jerkhole narrator and keep you from enjoying the full glory of the newspaper that Leslie's going to read when he gets up in the morning! No, I'm going to use the 8 hours I've been given to provide all the exposition you need right now.
The year is 2005. Spyro, Year of the Dragon just came out, I think. Its predecessors were infinitely harder, but that game was the most fun, if you want my opinion. Don't play any of the games after that, though, they suck, just like every Crash Bandicoot that came after the first Xbox sucked. Leslie lived in a trailer park in a small town at the north part of Illinois, the part of Illinois people only visit because they're desperate to get into Minnesota or they've had the misfortune of being born there.
Leslie also owned a pub. It would have been a sports bar if it didn't sell Fish and Chips, as that was the only thing Leslie knew how to cook in large quantities before he was able to hire people to cook in his stead. There was also the fact that the architecture and decoration of the place was just so distinctly British that if you hung a Union Jack on one of the walls, a low-budget Public Television soap would film a scene there just to prove to its audience that it's being filmed in a fictional town in England. It just wouldn't have made sense if the brick building wasn't called a pub, really. It even served pub burgers! There was even a soccer field on the same lot, which, even though it was the responsibility of public servants and tax dollars, was declared a part of Leslie's pub enterprise via clerical error, so as opposed to little-league children and angry parents attending the games, it was much more often occupied by teams made up of the less obese employees of various local businesses, and watched by the more loopy management. It was taken very seriously, and there were uniforms and everything. There was a deep-seated fued between Leslie's pub and Juan's strip club because of their soccer rivalry, but we'll get to Juan and his strip club later. We still have 7 hours of Leslie's slumber left.
But Leslie just never bothered to change the sign, and so "Leslie's Sports Bar" it remained, even though there were only two televisions in the whole place and not a single scrap of sports paraphernalia about, other than the nearby soccer field. Didn't stop everyone in the whole town, even the most culturally detached of rednecks, from calling it "Leslie's Pub" though. Leslie's pub was widely regarded as the best place to go on Mondays, Wednesdays, (it was closed on Tuesdays) Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Mostly in mornings or during afternoons. Night-time was nice, but most people who went there weren't young enough to want to stay up till closing hours partying, and weren't old enough to stay there till closing hours after accidentally falling asleep.
Juan's strip club, which was known simply as the "Waterton Gentleman's Club" even though the city limits changed years ago and it was no longer in (Or near, for that matter,) a place called Waterton. Juan himself was actually called Charley Sanchez, Juan Sanchez was Charley's grandfather, who built it when it was still in a place called Waterton. Sanchez was a man who vastly preferred sunrises, drank burgundy wine when viewing them, and wore aviator sunglasses because they were the only perscription lenses he had and farsightedness was never an extreme problem for him. He walked with a limp and a Hurrycane(tm) that had been left to him in his father's will, because his ankle was twisted after some maniac proposed last week that everyone play rugby instead of soccer, and like the bored idiots they were at the time, they agreed. Almost everyone had some injury or another. Leslie took a blow with a sledgehammer's force to the stomach, and now had upper back pains, which he obtained when he twisted Charley's ankle. Charley had a horseshoe mustache, which made his aviator shades look particularly menacing, and his slicked-back hair made him all the more intimidating. It more than made up for the fact that he was 5'5" tall, and his cane made him look like an old mob boss from a distance. Waterton Gentleman's club, which doubled as a brothel whenever the management wasn't looking, was widely considered the best place to go on Tuesdays, and whenever else Leslie's pub wasn't open. It was also considered the best place to go on lonely Saturday and Sunday evenings when Christmas wasn't near, it became especially popular on 18th birthdays, and was the best place to go whenever one accidentally mistook a Viagra for their morning vitamins. It happens more often than you think.
Aaaaannd... We still have 6 hours. Perhaps I'll skip time. How much time, though, is the question. I mean, nothing really happens until Leslie gets up in the morning and makes breakfast, but how much do you want to hear about the delicious scent of bacon filling the trailer, or the fresh, cold glass of springwater filled up to the very brim that he jovially put one of those little umbrellas in, or how nice the blue tablecloth was? And the newspaper that he read for precisely two hours wasn't that great either. I mean, maybe I should have provided exposition when he came upon the ads of his pub and the strip joint. on different parts of the front page. I mean, the articles weren't even that interesting! Something about the mayor dying and a bunch of sports news,cub scouts did their usual community service, there was a brief article about someone being saved from an exploding bus, one guy raving about the release of Spyro, Year of the Dragon... The usual. How about we skip to the part where things get really interesting?
Leslie clutched the doorknob in fear, afraid to open it and figure out what was making that bright light, Charley lay on the floor, bruised and defeated...
Pfft, not quite that far, of course! You'd miss the part where Charley fights with his cane!
Leslie was, by all definition, a very masculine person. Build, organs, mustache and soul patch, (Really, the only way for a soul patch not to look unfashionable is to wear a mustache above it.) and everything else that came with the male end of a human's condition. The only thing out of place was that his name was Leslie. But that really didn't matter to him. There was once an American president named Leslie, and there were worse androgynous names to be called. Sue, for example. Or Bolga. For now, Leslie, aged 25, his final pubescent stages subtly ending, was sitting on a chair, on the porch of his trailer watching the sun go down. It was the single west-facing trailer in the whole trailer park, and he was the only middle-class person living in that park. Perhaps the only middle-class person taking up residence in a trailer park outside of the Deep South or Appalachia. It had been going down for a very long time now, so long, in fact, that Leslie's eyes began to ache through his sunglasses.
That could have just been the bourbon, though. Leslie never watched a sunset without a nice bottle of it by his side, if not for drinking, then for moral support. And, well, he hadn't missed a sunset since he was 17. One way or another, Leslie found a halfway-decent vantage point to look at the sunset with, and he found at least a glass of bourbon to accompany him to it. Leslie, in his red pajamas, with the best bourbon he's had in years, wearing his favorite pair of Morpheus-style sunglasses, in his plaid flannel pajamas, with a noticeably longer sunset than usual, could not possibly be happier. This was the high life. Leslie could have died right there and not complained. When the last of daylight's colors drained from the sky like blood out of an upside-down person's legs, Leslie gave the sun a standing ovation, put his drink away, and went inside to sleep on his squeaky brass bed.
While Leslie is sleeping, perhaps it would be best to pass the time by spewing background information. Narrators usually do this when characters do time-consuming things, like long walks to another character's house, or reading some newspaper or another as soon as the one article the narrator ever describes mentions something you know nothing about as a newbie to this universe. But I'm not going to be a jerkhole narrator and keep you from enjoying the full glory of the newspaper that Leslie's going to read when he gets up in the morning! No, I'm going to use the 8 hours I've been given to provide all the exposition you need right now.
The year is 2005. Spyro, Year of the Dragon just came out, I think. Its predecessors were infinitely harder, but that game was the most fun, if you want my opinion. Don't play any of the games after that, though, they suck, just like every Crash Bandicoot that came after the first Xbox sucked. Leslie lived in a trailer park in a small town at the north part of Illinois, the part of Illinois people only visit because they're desperate to get into Minnesota or they've had the misfortune of being born there.
Leslie also owned a pub. It would have been a sports bar if it didn't sell Fish and Chips, as that was the only thing Leslie knew how to cook in large quantities before he was able to hire people to cook in his stead. There was also the fact that the architecture and decoration of the place was just so distinctly British that if you hung a Union Jack on one of the walls, a low-budget Public Television soap would film a scene there just to prove to its audience that it's being filmed in a fictional town in England. It just wouldn't have made sense if the brick building wasn't called a pub, really. It even served pub burgers! There was even a soccer field on the same lot, which, even though it was the responsibility of public servants and tax dollars, was declared a part of Leslie's pub enterprise via clerical error, so as opposed to little-league children and angry parents attending the games, it was much more often occupied by teams made up of the less obese employees of various local businesses, and watched by the more loopy management. It was taken very seriously, and there were uniforms and everything. There was a deep-seated fued between Leslie's pub and Juan's strip club because of their soccer rivalry, but we'll get to Juan and his strip club later. We still have 7 hours of Leslie's slumber left.
But Leslie just never bothered to change the sign, and so "Leslie's Sports Bar" it remained, even though there were only two televisions in the whole place and not a single scrap of sports paraphernalia about, other than the nearby soccer field. Didn't stop everyone in the whole town, even the most culturally detached of rednecks, from calling it "Leslie's Pub" though. Leslie's pub was widely regarded as the best place to go on Mondays, Wednesdays, (it was closed on Tuesdays) Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Mostly in mornings or during afternoons. Night-time was nice, but most people who went there weren't young enough to want to stay up till closing hours partying, and weren't old enough to stay there till closing hours after accidentally falling asleep.
Juan's strip club, which was known simply as the "Waterton Gentleman's Club" even though the city limits changed years ago and it was no longer in (Or near, for that matter,) a place called Waterton. Juan himself was actually called Charley Sanchez, Juan Sanchez was Charley's grandfather, who built it when it was still in a place called Waterton. Sanchez was a man who vastly preferred sunrises, drank burgundy wine when viewing them, and wore aviator sunglasses because they were the only perscription lenses he had and farsightedness was never an extreme problem for him. He walked with a limp and a Hurrycane(tm) that had been left to him in his father's will, because his ankle was twisted after some maniac proposed last week that everyone play rugby instead of soccer, and like the bored idiots they were at the time, they agreed. Almost everyone had some injury or another. Leslie took a blow with a sledgehammer's force to the stomach, and now had upper back pains, which he obtained when he twisted Charley's ankle. Charley had a horseshoe mustache, which made his aviator shades look particularly menacing, and his slicked-back hair made him all the more intimidating. It more than made up for the fact that he was 5'5" tall, and his cane made him look like an old mob boss from a distance. Waterton Gentleman's club, which doubled as a brothel whenever the management wasn't looking, was widely considered the best place to go on Tuesdays, and whenever else Leslie's pub wasn't open. It was also considered the best place to go on lonely Saturday and Sunday evenings when Christmas wasn't near, it became especially popular on 18th birthdays, and was the best place to go whenever one accidentally mistook a Viagra for their morning vitamins. It happens more often than you think.
Aaaaannd... We still have 6 hours. Perhaps I'll skip time. How much time, though, is the question. I mean, nothing really happens until Leslie gets up in the morning and makes breakfast, but how much do you want to hear about the delicious scent of bacon filling the trailer, or the fresh, cold glass of springwater filled up to the very brim that he jovially put one of those little umbrellas in, or how nice the blue tablecloth was? And the newspaper that he read for precisely two hours wasn't that great either. I mean, maybe I should have provided exposition when he came upon the ads of his pub and the strip joint. on different parts of the front page. I mean, the articles weren't even that interesting! Something about the mayor dying and a bunch of sports news,cub scouts did their usual community service, there was a brief article about someone being saved from an exploding bus, one guy raving about the release of Spyro, Year of the Dragon... The usual. How about we skip to the part where things get really interesting?
Leslie clutched the cane in fear, afraid to approach the creature, Charley lay on the ground, bruised and defeated...
Pfft, not quite that far, of course! You'd miss the part where Charley fights with his cane!
Alright, when Leslie was finished with his breakfast, he left his trailer for a walk in the woods not too far to the south of his trailer. If they had fences in the trailer park, the part of the woods he was about to take a walk in might consist of his and his neighbor's yards. Meanwhile, Charley was hunting about 500 yards away. He was wearing his hunting jacket, carrying his rifle, (and his cane, since he was insane enough to match wits and aggression with potentially territorial animals without waiting for his limp to go away,) and making poor progress climbing a tree. It was the tallest tree around, and he wanted to get on top of it to drink burgundy wine and watch the sunrise over the forest. It's never a good idea to sit on high trees and drink mind-altering substances, but it was early in the morning, he didn't have work for another hour, and his groggy brain thought it was a good idea at the time. As fortunately as it was unfortunately, he could not climb the tree with his twisted ankle, and when he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him, made by a stroller who had gone wildly off-course he turned and shot.
A single "HOLY SHIT!" was uttered as Leslie fell to the ground attempting to hide from whatever shot at him.
A second "Holy shit..." was uttered when Charley realized he shot at a human.
Charley said "Holy shit!" again when Leslie, hiding in the bushes that he approached, jumped up, grabbed the gun's barrel, and wrestled it away from him. Charley, not quite knowing what was going on, swung his Hurrycane(tm) with the might and will of any warrior, and Leslie, not quite knowing what was going on either, swung the butt of the rifle at Charley. The Hurrycane(tm) hit Leslie on the shoulder with a vicious blunt force, and made Leslie bring down his swing all the faster, which Charley tried to parry, but, the fantastic and patented folding easy-portable technology of the Hurrycane(tm) caused it to bend and not block jack-crap, because he didn't click that last segment properly. Thus Charley took a glancing blow to the right stomach, which really made Charley angry, so he clicked his cane, properly this time, and swung it at a professional angle. Leslie blocked this, gave a war cry, and went in to shove the wide end of the gun-butt into Charley as if it were a bayonett, which Charley successfully parried this time, and as Leslie prepared for another big swing, Charler ran forward and hit Leslie in the face, knocking his sunglasses to the earth in a way that would have looked awesome in slow motion.
This enraged Leslie, who kicked Charley away and slammed the gun butt down onto Charley's hurt ankle the same way one slams a maul's head onto a railroad spike. Charley screamed in agony through the raging adrenaline, and, with his uninjured leg, swept Leslie's feet out from under him, and when Leslie fell, Charley climbed up on top of him and used the Hurrycane(tm)'s patented bending technology to turn it into a strangling device and began throttling Leslie with it. It was then, down on the filthy earth, preparing to beat one another into submission, that each realized who the other was.
"You!" growled Leslie, recognizing Charley, his bitter soccer, rugby, and business rival.
"YOU!" growled Charley, recognizing Leslie, a man who dared to wear a mullet in this, the 21st century!
The gun was between them, and Leslie used it to pry Charley off of him and slam the back end of the gun in his face simultaneously. Once Charley was off, he brought down the cane onto Charley's chest with a wrathful grimace.
"You stole my best employee!" said Leslie, referencing the time when his bartender realized she could make more money as a stripper and left for Juan's.
"You stole my business!" Said Charley, referencing the time when Leslie's pub was declared officially better than Juan's strip club.
"Maybe I wouldn't have opened my pub if you hadn't made me late for that meeting by inching forward waiting for the green light and stole my turn when I clearly had the right of way, which made me late to the meeting, which made me get fired from Orson and Orson Law!"
"Maybe I wouldn't have barged in front of you if you didn't help those bastards sue my sister for half her monthly budget!"
"Maybe I wouldn't have sued your sister if you hired us first!"
"Maybe I would have hired you first if you didn't wear a freakin' mullet!"
"DON'T YOU EVER INSULT THE MULLET!"
What followed was a battle for the ages. Gun butt and walking stick had never clashed before so fervently. Charlie wrestled the gun out of Leslie's hands and accidentally fired, scaring them both into dropping the gun, and in a moment of blind fury, Leslie tore the Hurrycane(tm) out of Charley's hands and brought it down on his forehead, knocking him straight into the middle of a psychadelic dream that would make the sequences in The Big Lebowski look sane.
Then there was more rustling, and a huge, chitinous figure with tendrils on its face and burning red irises approached, not 30 feet away.
A single "Holy shit..." was uttered as Leslie gripped the hurrycane(tm) in fear, afraid to approach the creature before him. Charley lay on the ground, bruised and defeated.
"What's going on?" asked Charley, not quite awake.
"It's freaking CTHULHU, dude!"
"Oh my god, we're all screwed!"
Another Eldritch being approached, stepping out alongside the first.
"Shit, there's two of them!"
"Then we're fine, it's only two Mind Flayers, maybe avatars, if we're unlucky. Cthulhu never appears in more than one embodiment at a time if he's actually with them.
"What the hell are you smoking!?"
"Fanon..." Mumbled Charley as he faded back out of consciousness, "Fanon..."
Leslie dropped the cane and picked up the gun as they drew near, whatever they were, he had to be prepared to defend his trailer park, and as the two sinewy, gristly cephalo-arthropodic creatures approached, one of them roared:
"Shit! It has a gun! It has a gun!"
"It's okay!" said the other one, panickedly, "Just look as big as you can and make a lot of noise while SLOWLY backing away!"
"You know I suck at animal-communication techniques, just give me the human repellent!"
"We're out of human repellent! Nimrod set it on fire and died! Remember that explosion that made it look like the sun was still there for 30 minutes more than usual!?"
"Oh, right... Poor Nimrod..."
"Who's Nimrod?" asked Leslie as Charley began to wake up.
"Holy Booleans! It speaks English!" said the first alien.
"How does it speak English!? I thought we landed in one of the Asian or European sections, where the intelligent life forms are!" Said the second.
"Some of the intelligent life forms speak English." Said the first.
"These two are fighting each other in the dirt, it's the opposite of civilized, intelligent life!" said the second.
"Earthlings fight each other in dirt all the time. Sometimes two females put on bikinis and do it for money!"
"I see you've read more than the first 200 pages of the Earth Mission Briefing for once."
"What does the GPS say?"
"It says we're in... America."
"Oh no! That's where the primitive agressive ones live!"
"I thought that was in the North Korean section?"
"These ones are agressive AND free willed!"
"SHIT! SHIT! RUN!"
"Uhh... Wait!" Said a very confused Charley, rubbing his head, "We can help you, we're not all... uhhh... Primitive."
"Oh, good, they both speak English." said the first one.
"Perhaps we can attempt to communicate with them!" Said the second one, turning around, and then speaking with wild gesticulations and loud, pausing words, "HELLO, HUMAN! WE. ARE. LOOKING. FOR. THE. OLD. LADY. YOUR. NAY-TOE. AUTHORIZED. TO-"
"Could you please talk normally? You're making an ass of yourself." Charley said.
"It's not as primitive as I thought." Said the second one, The first one then continued.
"We're looking for the person the NATO authorized to communicate with us. Do you know where she is?"
"Uhh... Do you know where she is, Leslie?" asked Charley.
"I don't even know her name!" said Leslie.
"Fair enough." said the first one, "But if we don't get this peace offering to the NATO in time, we'll be late, and when our Diplomat finally arrives at the international assembly without this introduction, it'll be beyond awkward!"
"Do you know where we could contact the NATO?" asked the second one.
The humans admitted that they didn't know.
"Then we're in a real zarkin' pickle then, aren't we!?" said the first one to the second one.
"I guess we are. For the love of plurpf! This would be the first missed deadline I've ever had! This will go on my record, and its YOUR AND NIMROD'S FAULT!"
"Here, we can take the to the NATO for you, once we figure out where it is." Said Charley, the insanity invoked by having come out of an unconscious sate just recently leaving him unphased by the aliens.
"But only if you tell us what the Peace offering is." Said Leslie, the insanity invoked by having just met extraterrestrials making him bold enough to demand such things.
"The peace offering is the last thing we tried to give you to improve your quality of life." Said the second alien, "It's a vial of the serum, with many detailed papers describing how to make it."
"It cures what you call Cancer." said the first, with an excited tone to add dramatic effect.
"We tried other things too. We created biologically engineered exotic animals deemed the cutest and most lovely by the general populace of the world, koalas, penguins, platypus, owls, and altered their diets, lifespans, and behavior so that they'd better fit into human lifestyles as pets. We wanted to make them as intelligent and social as dogs as well, but we overshot the intelligence end of the serum and they ended up killing themselves in an existential crisis."
"We also tried to make unicorns for you to frolic with, and a rainbow machine. But the unicorns became apex predators and were disease-immune, so we had to kill them all to keep them from overtaking the world, and the Rainbow Machine didn't work in your atmosphere."
"We also found that you were fond of the anthropomorphic animals that you put in your cartoons and put on your internet, but when we asked someone on your Deviantart to create a picture to put into our machines, we didn't look at it before placing it in... The creature we created was... Not pleasant..." Said the second.
"So we were forced to do this really lame-ass Idea and give you the cure to cancer. I mean, it's not nearly as cool as having a pet koala that can solve mazes or riding a unicorn, but it was the best we could do."
"Uh, that's okay! That's one of the best ideas anyone's ever had, really, thanks!" said Leslie, not quite knowing what else to say.
"Alright then, it's in your hands now." said the second alien.
"Yeah, see you around." Said the first, handing Charley and Leslie a heavy briefcase.
Then they pressed a button on their wristpieces and teleported, presumably back to their spaceship, because when Leslie watched the sunset later that day, that's what he could have sworn he saw dissappearing behind one of the fine orange clouds.
In the end, Leslie and Charley left their businesses in right-hand management and went on a five-day road trip to Washington DC, to the nearest NATO embassy they could find. When they brought the briefcase, nobody would believe it was from Aliens, but they did cautiously accept the briefcase.
Turns out, the Cancer cure didn't work either because its effects expire when exposed to human blood, and thus made the Diplomat's appearance weeks later only slightly less awkward. Leslie and Charley became good friends, putting their differences behind them. They watched sunsrises in the morning talking about guy stuff and drinking burgundy wine, and watched sunsets drinking bourbon and talking about what happened that day. Charley was best man at Leslie's wedding, he married a voluptuous fox girl that he freed from a biotank in a makeshift laboratory tent a 3 minute walk away from where they met the Aliens, next to a bin full of departed would-be pets that offed themselves in an existential crisis. Their friendship lasted for years, they were like brothers. Unfortunately, in the summer of 2012, Charley died falling drunkenly off a tree that he and Leslie were watching the sunrise on. Leslie is retired, and is suffering from the early stages of dementia, being cared for by his loving Furry wife. Leslie's pub is still open for business, however. His son runs it and tends to the bar, and if you ask him, he'll smile, sit down, and tell you the exact same story. Which is why you shouldn't ask him. I mean, seriously, his version isn't even that different. I'd be personally insulted if you listened to my story and then just got up and went to hear that guy's version! I mean, seriously, did I bore you so much that you had to look for an entirely different narrator just to be more entertained!? Rude!
~Le Finn~