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I ate about a half cup of almonds this morning and I was in excruciating pain for hours afterwards. I guess I can't eat almonds anymore? Until now, almonds and I have always gotten along, but it seems now that something has changed between us. This is the most depressing thing in this world. :( 

Over the years I've lost multiple family members and have accepted that any given day, given their health I might be losing more. I've seen the suffering in Louisiana and the various tragedies always on the news as well, but these are all things that can be gotten over. It's really seeming like I will never, ever be able to eat almonds in any kind of quantity again. This is something that will stay with me my entire life and likely only get worse in time.

Does this apply to pecans and peanuts as well? Cashews? Or foods in general that are high in fiber? This is such a gut punch. There really are no words. I mean, if it had happened some years from now I could accept that just as part of growing older, but as it stands, it's just unbearable. So I just wanted to point out that all of you reading this? If you can still eat almonds, your problems are nothing and I hope you're fucking grateful about it.

I just want to be able to snack on things (healthy things! Almonds are supposed to be healthy!) without constantly worrying about how it might effect me later. And I know you'll all laugh at this thread, laugh at my pain, but in that case fuck you all, maybe I'll just go off myself rather than continue living in this cruel unfair world. Bye.

 

 

*Points and laughs*

CRAAAAWLIIIING IN MY SKIIIIN

THESE WOUUUUNDS, THEY WIIIIILLLLL NOT HEAAAAAAL.

Edit: Oh wait you already did this. Have you been recovering by listening to Linkin Park?

Just go back to the timeless staples of sausage and tuna.

THESE WOOOUUUUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEAAAAL

Nuts.

*Buh dum tsss*

Just wanna say, if you can't eat almonds, killing yourself is a totally 100% valid option.

Almonds are gross.

What? What don't you like about them?

The taste and the texture.

Brazil Nuts are tasty.  Corrupt, and unfit to host the Olympics... but tasty. 

*laughs loudly* Of course Malk is supporting the most filthy and disgusting type of nut in existence.

Make it work. Just eat other nuts now and tell people you don't want to eat almonds because it's /comfy/ or some shit - then no one will ever know you're "not able to eat almonds" they'll just be like "it was their diet choice - at least they make it work"

The more people see you not eating almonds the less it looks unusual.

And get a tattoo on your nuts of an almond or some shit cause that's fuckin awesome.

Also, get buff. Buff non-almond-eating guys/gals are in. This would be tragic if you couldn't eat almonds as a teen in the 80s - not anymore though. Non-almondism is a style man. All you gotta do is make this your choice - not your handicap and you'll fuckin rock not eating almonds.

Be warned: skinny non-almond eaters don't work that well. Also if you eat odd shaped nuts (unlikely, but some people do) then this might not work out depending on your persona.

If you're not already buff you should work out anyways otherwise you'll feel like a loser regardless of the nuts in your mouth (or lack thereof).

Took me a while to realize that this was a reference.

Still true tho.

ha got eem

You think you have it bad? Well, here I am sitting at my computer at 9:45 on a Sunday morning, and I have no food in my apartment. I'm hungry, goddammit. There's not even any bread. I guess I have a few eggs I could scramble, but I'd have to wash the pan afterwards, and I don't have time for that shit. And you think your pain from eating almonds sucks? Well, at least you have almonds. What about the pain of my empty rumbling stomach? I spit on you, nut-owning bourgeoisie scum.

The food pyramid... is upside down. Thanks for telling us about this, mizal. Maybe I should be weary of gluten aswell? Might make my dick fly off.

But in all seriousness, I sympathize with you. I too have experienced unbearable, inescapable pain. It can bring you to insanity. Best wishes.

Murder the almonds. All of them, and all other nuts too. From the dreaded walnuts to the tasteless pecans. They betrayed your trust and now must pay.

There's a small amount of cyanide in almonds. They're out to get you. Hide. The almonds are coming.

They are planning another attack. They ride at dawn.

Run.