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Hi! My name’s End Master, you may have remembered me from such shows as Necromancy For Dollars and Eternal MILF Hunter!

Tired of all these cooking reality shows with all this shit that you are never going to be motivated to prep, let alone cook? Tired of all these pretentious culinary faggots?

Well come on down to End Master’s Endtimes Emporium where you can get the best canned food anywhere! Fish, chicken, beef, fruit, vegetables, water, if you can ingest it we’ve got it in a can!

Why worry about buying food that will ultimately go rotten in a week? What if your freezer shuts down during a massive power outage? Where will your precious seasoning and spices be when you’re scrambling around in the dirt just trying to fight some hobo over a spoiled piece of worm infested meat?

Well again no need to worry about any of that when you’ve got food in a can!

The best thing about our canned products is no cooking is necessary! Can you cook the contents? Well I suppose if you want to do such a crazy thing that’s fine too!

Also after consuming the contents, the can can still be used in multiple ways such as an alarm system, traps or even some sort of weird adult toy! We don’t judge!

Hell you can even use the can BEFORE eating the contents! If you want to bash someone’s skull in with a big can of pork n beans, you can, and the contents inside will still be perfectly fine to eat!

Act now, and get a free shotgun for the purchase of fifty cans! What better way to defend your canned wealth?

And remember at the Endtimes Emporium, we assist all potential customers! Our store is so filled with canned goodness that it can be a little overwhelming at first, potentially even maze like! No need to worry however, one of my many only daughters will be glad to guide you to where you need to be!

So stop choking the chicken and splitting the kitten to Rachael Ray and come on down to the Endtimes Emporium, because when the shit hits the fan, you’ll be glad to have all those cans as leverage so Rachael Ray can go down on YOU!

10/10 would buy

It's not uncommon for me to find the commercials better than the show on the rare occasions I actually watch one of my four and a half channels.
That said, this is still the best commercial I've seen by far, and not just because of that gorgeous chick next to snakehead.
I think I'll open up some fruit cocktail right now.

Instructions unclear. Turned to stone while dick stuck in can of beans.

I made a bomb ass fuckin gourmet stir fry out of a can of squid. Eat the cans.*



*Legal dislaimer: the things inside the can only

https://morningviewchristianchurch.wordpress.com/2015/07/06/rachel-ray-satanic-whore/

Well I wouldn't try to claim that she isn't...

I'll have 100 cans of Spam, please.

I like these

Ah yes another great drawing.

Three guesses on which daughter helped with that project and the first two don't count.

Best thread of the year.

The milfs are happy and lactating, also there's enough to go around with choice of chilled or warm.

You're missing an important business opportunity. You can organize an underground hobo fighting ring, where all fights are to the death, and the victor gets any can from your store that've spoiled or can't be sold. Once you've kidnapped enough hobos to schedule fights, you can start selling tickets to people, while advertising that anyone who's a customer of End Master's Endtimes Emporium get front row seats. But wait, there's more! For any customer willing to pay double the cost of a regular ticket they get an opportunity to personally fight in the ring for a chance to win double the amount of food they bought.

Also, I wonder whatever happened to this guy?

Bumping this for a fun poll!

Something I've noticed for awhile is that Europeans and other strange foreign types (hipsters, loli lovers) have this weird cultural aversion to the idea of preserving food.

The glories and convenience of pressure cooked food you don't even need electricity to enjoy, the freshness and nutritional superiority of frozen, they reject them all. Even the Dutch, who were once known for trade, now eat a less varied diet and enjoy less food security than Mesopotamian man. They feel longing and lust at the mere sight of a grocery store parking lot from better countries, and are awed at photos of the interior of the most basic Walmart. These visions haunt them as they drive or I suppose take a bus or a bicycle in their weird Euro way on the wrong side of the road, traveling for hours to a forest just in hope that there might be a few berries still clinging frozen to a bush or something, and that they can have a handful of those instead of grinding up pine bark again to stave off the hunger pangs.

But buying frozen fruits and vegetables or any other food that isn't available fresh in a farmer's market in season is unnatural to them, so no one will ever bother to try and sell it. (That's why they're always whining that their stores don't carry nice things at all, let alone nice things in a dozen different brands.)

I'm sure there's some interesting history behind this, and it's possibly related to why Europe has a long history of famines, while America has never had even one. Even today, with all the benefits of modern technology at their fingertips, most families in that part of the world have to eat their own children to survive the winters. (You might have noticed the lack of them if you've ever visited a country over there.)

Anyway, that's just some background. CYS has such a varied userbase from all over the world, I'm just curious what you guys typically eat and in what form, so that I can sell your information to advertisers.

Now I'm off to ponder whether I'll use the contents of my kitchen to make Mexican, Asian, or Indian food tonight, or maybe one of dozens of other possible variations made possible by not being limited what's grown locally in the middle of the January.

I am European and here are really habitual frozen vegetables and frozen fish and meat. It is not so frequent to freeze the fruit because Spain is one of the biggest fruit producers in the world. Fresh fruit is far cheaper than frozen. But at least in Spain, frozen products are not seeing as bad. Except for fast food meals.

Washington State. I eat a lot of frozen food and cook with frozen food a lot as well. I also cook with fresh ingredients, or a mix. When it comes to canned food, I mostly eat stuff like soups or salmon/tuna or used canned ingredients like water chesnuts. Canned pineapple is usually O.K. as well. I don't like most tin canned veggies because of the flavor the can gives them, though, so prefer frozen or fresh for stuff like corn and spinach and the like. Stuff canned in a jar is generally good. Like jarred orc eyes - pretty tasty.
 

Reading the OP is a little sad now that Mayana is dead to us.

Trust me, nobody is more disappointed than I am.

F

F.

F

Yep it's almost like I can still hear her today, stumbling around, bumping into things, knocking stuff over.

Or maybe there's actually an intruder in my home. Brb.

just the cat

No need to be sad any longer, with our brand new only daughter Green to help you find the canned goods you need at End Master's Endtimes Emporium!

Banshraes dwell in communities among other black-hearted fey. They serve as minstrels, spies, and soldiers for malevolent fey leaders or other iniquitous and powerful creatures. Verdant princes and evil nymphs enjoy such service, and they repay a banshrae’s loyalty with honor and treasure, rewarding treachery with swift death.

Even among wicked fey, banshraes are notorious for abusing those weaker than they, as their whims dictate. Banshraes respect only other banshraes and the strong. Non-fey can expect torment and murder at their hands."

End was describing Green's picture to us, but he left out the line about how good they are at finding you great deals on the tastiest canned fruits.

I rank the Top 5 canned foods:

1) Beans --pinto with jalapeño or ranch style are best, but it's hard to go wrong with any variety. There's really not much to say here, they're beans, obviously they taste good and are filling and super healthy.

2) Sardines -- the King of delicious tinned proteins, they can be incorporated into many nice lunches and just lose out on the #1 spot for being more expensive and not quite as versatile as beans. King Oscar brislings packed in olive oil with the cracked pepper are what I use most commonly, but Brunswick has filets in a mustard and dill sauce that is great over rice. You can also get skinless/boneless fillets, if you're a pussy and just want a mild flavorless tuna substitute. Sardines are also not an apex predator being overfished the way tuna is, and won't give you mercury poisoning. (Just avoid the ones from China, as with all food.)

3) Green beans -- cheap, versatile and filling. It's about the only canned vegetable I keep around as I find the texture superior to both fresh and frozen. You can do green bean casserole or variations for an entire meal in itself, serve with butter or bacon and grilled onions, pair with potatoes or tomatoes, make it into that weird grandma salad with the wax beans and kidney beans, saute with vinegars, or just eat it straight out of a can when civilization falls.

4) Stuffed grape leaves -- These things are like crack. If you never had them, they're an appetizer for fancy dinners made with pickled grape leaves stuffed with rice that's been flavored with lemon and dill. Or you can have this fancy dinner experience right at home while sitting at your computer if you just open a can. They're actually just fine broken up and heated with chicken or something too. The only reason I don't place them higher is for cost and availability reasons, I actually have to have a relative who gets free FedEx shipping and has access to a Trader Joes send me mine.

5) Spaghettios -- Okay, I really struggled with the #5 position, as there's this whole realm of canned fruits and cream of whatever soups and so on that probably should get a mention, not to mention Rotel tomatoes which my pantry is never without. And this is all without even touching on pickles and jellies and condiments which in everything but packaging are identical to 'canned' anything...this whole ranking business gets more complicated the more I think about it, I'm not sure any list that doesn't include canned peaches or pickled okra should be accepted by anyone honestly, maybe this should've been Top 5 by category?

But Spaghettios are convenient, they're a filling meal for only $1, and they're kind of shitty I know but not actually unhealthy, and sometimes you just get that craving for the garbage foods of childhood. They deserve this soot. Add hot sauce and shredded cheddar and green onion or something to feel more fancy.


Let me hear your own picks which probably include boring shit like tuna or chicken noodle soup.

As Galician most of our seafood (one of the best in the world, many of our products go to Japan) we have hundreds of seafood and fish canned foods with hundreds of sauces. I love the spicy sardines with cayenne tomato sauce and several vegetables. The octopus we called Pulpo in olive oil.

But personally, I love meatballs in a tin and eat them with noodles. Probably, a remainder of nights of study for my finals in college.

Oh I should add an addendum to my Spaghettios listing that I always just eat the plain ones because the meatball kind and things like ravioli filling are just super sketchy to me. Whatever meatballs you get there are probably better.


And I'm realizing now I completely forgot to mention Spam. Although maybe it would be #6 since while I love it with rice I don't actually eat it that often when you get more for the money with something like chicken thighs. Spam is the only processed meat thing I'd eat without hesitation though, it's just got a few simple ingredients which can't be said for shit like hot dogs.

Beans are the best canned food 100%. They're also free (at least in my mind) from the gross ingredients that might be in other canned foods and any processing that goes along with that.

Holy shit! Where'd you find a leaked trailer for Ogre Simulator '21?

They asked me to take a bit part in that movie, but during the casting they said my "fart noises" were too smelly and realistic for the rest of the cast to handle.