Uh, hi again. I don't want this to be the next "McBacon" couples thread, so let me get some things straightened up.
1. THIS IS WHERE I SHARE MY LOVE INTERESTS. THERE IS NO REASON TO HATE ME FOR PUTTING THIS OUT.
2. IT IS ALSO WHERE I SHARE OPINIONS.
3. I have nothing else to rant about now.
Anyway, onto the subject-!
So, there's this guy that I like, but I'm not sure if I do. Usually I feel tingling if it's "The One." But this time I felt nothing. I mean, he's cute, but there isn't a connection. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
Then there's the problem: my friend also has the biggest crush on him. We respect each other, but now she's making it clear that he's hers. And now I feel forced to drive my attention away.
I guess there's not a way out. Either give it up for be forced to give up my friendship with her...which I wouldn't afford to lose.
What do you guys think?
The answer seems fairly obvious: You kind of like him, but you don't really like you normally do with guys, and he makes you feel icky and self-conflicted to boot. Therefore, it would be both shallow and ridiculous to abandon a perfectly good friendship because you kind of like somebody that she has actual, adamant feelings for. Go find another fish.
Behold, Malk discusses everything you need in life.
Heh. Sounds like my current situation. Except I'm the girl with the biggest crush on a guy, and my friend is the one who sort of likes him but is flirting with him anyway even after I've made it clear he's mine. ^-^
You can't claim ownership of a human being. >_<
That's seriously an unhealthy mindset to get into.
He has already claimed me as well.
TacocaT, someday you'll read this and cringe. Claiming people isn't okay. >)_(<
I feel bad for you. I mean, this guy that I like, now that I'm warming up to him, she gives me the stink eye and generally doesn't interact with me. I feel isolated, especially that I've gone to a new school and there's hundreds of people I don't know...and I only have, like, ten friends so far, and they're the ones I've had since fourth grade.
Well, you really shouldn't go after a boy you only sort of like when your friend has already claimed him. I mean, if you're just friends, that's just fine - you just got to make it clear to your friend that's as far as it will ever go.
I don't "sort of like him," but it's not full "head-over-heels." It's more like..."waiting-to-see-him-every-day-to-think-about-his-perfectness". It's not a stalker relationship, it's just that I like him...to a certain extent so that it's not creepy.
That's called infatuation. You should feel wrong about that, because not only will it tear up your friendship, but you don't actually like him, you like his "perfectness" or, to be more cliched, the idea of him.
1. Don't you already have a boyfriend?
2. You don't "Claim" people. Relationships are about two compatible humans functioning as a single familial unit. There is no "claiming" to be done, that way of thinking will eventually make you act like assholes toward each other. The human mating process is all about synchronizing into something more than the sum of its parts, that's how relationships work, that's how civilization works. It sounds sci-fi-ey, but relationships really are a form of symbiosis, and it's about learning to work with each other rather than learning to 'own' each other kindly.
1. Yes, and that's who I'm talking about. I tend to switch between the terms 'boyfriend' and 'crush' frequently. Not entirely sure about which one to use since a) I'm not allowed to date until I have a car and a license, b) we've never kissed (nor do I plan on doing that anytime soon), c) we haven't exactly talked about that specifically - he says things like we might as well be dating, or that he'd rather have none other than me.
2. *rolls eyes* I didn't mean it so literally. Sheesh. If he were to decide he wanted to chase after some other girl, then I'd be disappointed, but I'd let him go. He has several 'flaws' as people would call it, but that's what makes him unique and all the more lovable. But, there is one 'flaw' I couldn't live with - if he were to be able to be swayed into loving someone else. *shrugs* If that were to happen, I'd accept it and know he's not for me, and hope I drift across someone else sometime in the future (hopefully before the age of 30)
Depends on whether you feel if your attraction toward this guy is more or less important than your friendship with this girl.
I absolutely respect monogamy, as a legitimate thing. It is a thing that some people feel very strongly about, for many reasons. Even if you think it is a cool idea... actually being polyamorous can be complicated, and hard, and poly relationships don't always end well.
But... I think monogamy can also be challenging, and difficult, and those relationships don't always end well, either.
And I realize that in many contexts, being poly is basically impossible, even for people who might be naturally inclined to want to be poly, and to be able to learn to be good at being poly.
But it makes me a little sad, that when your problem is "my friend and I both like the same guy!" there is absolutely no possibility of arriving at the solution of "...so we're both going to date him!"
So, yes. It seems like you are not actually into this guy, quite as much as you've been into other guys in the past... or as much as you'll probably be into another guy, at some point in the future. Under the circumstances, I believe that you might want to prioritize your friendship.
And, you know, if you're mostly into this guy in a sort of generally appreciative way? If your friend starts dating him, it seems like maybe he'll be more in your social circle... and you can hang out with him and appreciate him, without having to ever Be In A Relationship with him.
Speaking from experience: Thinking that someone is really cool, but not feeling much physical attraction, but pursuing a relationship because they're just that cool... is not always a path to a good and healthy relationship. :P
Did you just suggest polygamy to a bunch of thirteen-year-old girls?
I believe I quite explicitly made no such suggestion. :P
However. If you are old enough to have that problem... you are old enough to know that some people feel there is another solution.
The most happily-married, committed, loving, stable couple I know... are poly.
I've seen multiple poly relationships, and they were some of the most disastrous and unhealthy I've ever seen. Not at first, mind you. A few I saw initially changed my mind about the whole thing--almost ... and then, in a couple months or couple years, the cracks started to show, and to date, they have all ended badly.
Not saying it's not possible or not a thing to be happy in that scenario, just that I've never seen it work as a long term solution because (as far as I can tell) of the nature of romantic relationships in society and because of how humans are. There probably are people out there who could pull it off, I just haven't met 'em.
Don't get me wrong, I know -all- types of relationships are capable of ending badly, but ... when it came down to it, the complaints stemmed from the relationship being poly. (Which kind of baffled me. "You said you were cool with this. I asked you and you were all, 'Nah, man, it's fine! This is what I want' so, why are you complaining now...?")
For once, I'm agreeing with Malk. Also...
Pulled straight out of le online dictionary :
a combining form with the meanings “marriage,” “union,” “fertilization, pollination,” of the kind specified by the initial element: exogamy; plastogamy; allogamy;also forming nouns corresponding to adjectives ending in -gamous:
Morgan...you have to be CAREFUL about word choices! These are kids you're talking to! -gamy in the conventional sense means marriage! >.<
...I did say polyamorous, actually. XD
Edit: Oh, right. Yeah, there isn't another word for 'monogamy' that's in common use. Dunno what to say about that, besides the fact that I think it's obvious what I'm talking about, in context. :P
Yeah, but it's not like girls this age speak talk about -gamy in a less serious context. :<
Esmerelda, (and probably every other woman in France) understood that last part perfectly, which is why I assume Quasimodo got sad and killed himself once the initial happy ending phase wore off.
Which is why I support hormonal castration, because people like me only have to feel guilty about not feeling feelings for people!... Which, now that I think about it, is probably why I assume Esmerelda got all depressed and Byronic after Quasimodo offed himself.
I need to stop watching Disney movies when my mental state is questionable...
SenPen, what have we said about going on CYS while you're fucked up on opiates?
Hey, the last time I wasn't on opiates, I was on laughing gas, which is an entirely different thing made out of the Joker's piss, not opium. Also, I'm not doing drugs right now. I'm doing it sheerly with self-deprivation of basic human needs, Indian style. I have more important shit to do than sleep!
Sorry Morgan, but polygamy is complete and utter BS.
You wanna fight debate me on it? XD
I mean... I really enjoy debating people. It's something I like to do, that I think is fun, and that I can generally do with no hard feelings at all, on my part. But... I am not entirely sure how my opponents feel about my tendency to kick their ass. XD
Ha ha, only serious. Because trash-talking is kind of fun... but also because I've come to realize that I've genuinely offended people, in the process of debating them, when I didn't mean to. And... I sincerely do not wish to offend you, in that particular clueless way. You are someone I am inclined to respect, and to like, as a person.
And I think it's important to realize: I've been actively involved in having debates on the internet for my entire adult life. And I am a decidedly Middle-Aged Owl, these days. So: If I am in some sense objectively good at this specific thing... it is because it is a thing that I have practiced, for years.
I also have years of first-hand personal experience with polyamory, both as an adult having adult relationships, and as an interested observer of other people's relationships, both good and bad. You would be fighting me on my home turf, in a very literal sense.
So... when I say that if you decide to debate me, I am once again going to kick your ass...
...well, it's because you're not in my weight class, actually. For reasons which do not reflect on you personally, at all. You too may grow up to be someone who kicks ass at Internet debates... if you too choose to neglect other, more important skills, and make arguing with people on the internet your primary leisure activity, for years at a time. 9_9
That said. If you really wanna fight me.... I'll fight you.
Because, you know... you're wrong. XD
I mean... assuming that you actually mean 'polyamory,' which is what I said. Polygamy refers to a very specific subset of polyamory, in some particular cultural contexts. And if that was a little bit of a rhetorical trick, and an attempt to get me to debate a subject I have no interest in, and which I think is much harder to defend... well played. Also: No. XD
But if you legitimately just said 'polygamy' when you meant 'polyamory'... well, you are definitely entering this debate at a disadvantage. XD
Bah, I've defeated you before!
Also, I meant "polygamy". You can screw around however you want in your bachelor years, but once you get married you have to commit.
...well played. And, you know? I kind of agree, actually. I mean... I think there are probably some people who form serious partnerships with more than two people, in which all relationships are held to be equal, and make that work... but I have seem that kind of thing fail, more often than I have seen it succeed.
The most successful poly relationships I've known, have basically been people who made a commitment to someone they loved, and married that person... but also had other relationships. Openly, and with the understanding and consent of everyone involved.
And I think there are some people who are poly, and are philosophically opposed to "primary" and "secondary" relationships. And I'm certainly not claiming I know The One True Way to be poly. My sample size is really small, obviously.
But... that's what I've seen work for people.
And now I've said my piece, and I'll shut up, because we are not actually having a debate. XD
33 + 33 = 66
Massachusetts life expectancy = 80.5 years (according to Wikipedia)
Morgan, you're not even close to middle-aged.
You appear to be working from old data. I recently turned 35.
I had grandparents who lived well past 70. And I had grandparents who died before I was born, although possibly of things that will no longer be a factor, when I am older.
Still. 35 is a milestone, of sorts. I know someone who will argue, at forty-odd, that he is not middle-aged. And he's coming from a place where he's not ready to call himself that, so I would never argue with him. I don't really feel middle-aged. But I'm a person of a particular age, and I feel like I'm having a weird mid-life crisis, of sorts.
And I'm twice the age of most of you, and I remember a community I was in, when I was myself a teenager. And there was a person of thirty-odd, and she was a totally legitimate member of the community, which was otherwise mostly teenagers. We liked her, and she was into the thing we were all into. But man... thirty-odd seemed OLD. XD
I don't FEEL old. And I suspect one never does. But... I am where I am. Might as well own it. ^_^
But I do appreciate that you are at least pretending to think that I'm not THAT old. XD
I am exactly one Ford old.
Yes. I piggybacked you out of the womb, clearly.
Why do they call it "piggy back"? Ever seen a pig happy to give anyone a ride?
You'd have to ask the British Prime Minister.
Bring your friend on this site and we'll make a court ruling. All we need is a hacksaw and the guy you're both interested in.
something... something... *yawn*... belt
Probably the wisest solution to date.
Make sure Taco gets the forelegs, cheeks, and maw!
Why does it matter? You're probably really young; if you do manage to hook up, it wouldn't last a month :P. So why risk your friendship over something pretty much pointless?
Go for it or lose your desired prize.
At best you'll be constantly asking yourself "What if?" And at worse you'll be pathetically stalking him whenever you hang out with the pair of them and STILL drawing your "friend's" ire.
Seriously, from what you've said so far, this "friend" of yours has only done a lot of talking and threats and has not officially claimed this dude as her own. They aren't a couple yet, so all bets are off and you're free to claim him as your own if you really desire to do so.
The only real question is how much can this "friend" damage you if you pursue this path. If she's a little more than just talk, you may need to implement further plans to control the damage or perhaps even an attack ahead of time to eliminate her as a threat altogether.
You said you had 10 friends? That's a lot more than most people have in their entire lifetime, so yes you can afford to lose one. If anything you should start getting used to it now because it will make many things easier in the future. Unless you live in a small town with no intention of ever leaving, you are most likely never going to see any of these people again when you go off to college. People come and go in your life all the time, so you might as well go for it.
(Well someone had to give the "Closed Fist" choice)
I kinda get annoyed by how lax people use that term, but I'm just weird.
Not weird to me. The term "friend" does get thrown around a lot by most folks who believe just because they have a cordial relationship with someone, they're somehow friends with someone.
I pretty much subscribe to IAP's view point. Got tons of people I know, some I might even call close acquaintances that I get along with more than most, but I wouldn't call any of them friends.
+10 renegade points. Your scars are slightly more red.
"McBacon" .... *chirp chirp chirp*
First things first, listen to SenPen (and Malk). You can't claim people.
Stay silent for a bit, hang out with your friend and your crush. If the crush also feels the same way your friend does, well... There are other fish in the sea. Perhaps he isn't "the One," as you stated. If he doesn't, maybe you can make some sort of move, but not immediately. Patience is key, but don't wait too long. Eyes on the prize, or you'll lose it.
Derpino? Love advice? Not a match. Self-destruct..
Tough luck, finders keepers.