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So, here's the thing, guys. As I think I mentioned in passing, but you might not have caught: I'm bipolar. And I don't mean bipolar II, which is what I thought I might be. Bipolar I. And while a manic state is a very interesting place to visit, you really wouldn't want to live there.

However! Having the correct diagnosis has been life-changing, and entirely for the better. However. Sleep is... Challenging. Because I'm pretty sure insomnia is both a symptom and a trigger. If I don't sleep for one night, I'm basically fine the next day. If I don't sleep for TWO nights... well, things might get very weird.

I'm not sure what happens if I don't sleep for a night, use drugs to make SURE I sleep the following night, and then don't sleep the NEXT night. And that's where I'm at right now. Experimenting, a little, because I REALLY don't want to take Ativan for two nights running. Among other reasons, there's a new study that found a correlation between benzos and Alzheimir's.

So here I am. Some of you may recall me getting kind of weird on BHB, then getting modded into silence. That was the tip of the iceberg... or maybe the canary in the coal mine. 

Within the next few days, I went Actually Crazy. Full-blown manic. Got myself sectioned, as the local parlance has it. I spent a week and a half in the behavioral health unit... aka, the locked psych ward. 

And, well... it was quite a trip. But it's not one I want to take again. So I'm a little anxious, I guess, about not taking that pill that even now, I could use to ensure that I get at least SOME sleep. But... well, in the ten days between two therapy appointments, I went from being "normal" in terms of energy, to reporting several days where I basically couldn't get out of bed. Two incidents of complete physical immobility. (I sometimes get that, where I can't move for five or ten or twenty minutes.)

My therapist was more upset than I was, about me being so far down. Because, well, I wasn't what I'd call depressed. It didn't hit me in the feels, as the Tumblr kids say. (I think. Contrary to popular wisdom, not all genderweird 'artistic' special snowflakes actually come from Tumblr.) And lying in bed unable to move, too tired to even type on my phone... well, I'll take that over actual, emotional depression any day of the week. But I talked through things with my therapist and she believes that I can, and should, have a better long-term outcome.

I have an appointment with my prescriber on the 23rd. He's a pretty cool guy, actually, and he also seems very, very on top of his game. And I think he'll understand my decision to experiment, here. Because ideally, I don't WANT to have to mess with my meds, again, to try to attain "stability."

I think, for me, at this point in my life, and probably for a very long time... stability is going to involve ups and downs. It's just how I'm wired. And to be perfectly honest? I wouldn't trade it for "normal"... whatever that actually is.

So! TL;DR: If I get weird, it's because I'm actually, certifiably crazy. Feel free to ignore me, laugh at my antics, or tell me to knock it off. "Crazy" is not a "get out of bad behavior free" card. And, well... if you're going to have a crazy old owl living in the rafters of your forum, it had better at LEAST be housebroken. 9_9

Normal is a setting on a washing machine. I really don't want to be merely a setting on a washing machine, nor do I have any friends who want that as well. Plus, we're all crazy here~! I'm a bit envious; I've always wanted to see what a psych ward was like, and you got to have first-hand experience.

No. You do not want to be bipolar (or have any other kind of mental illness). Mental illnesses suck. They arent fun. Or funny. Or interesting. It's managble, thankfully, nowadays, but still, it cant possibly be something fun. Nobody is normal. But being mentally ill isnt the way to become interesting. 

Again, I hope Morgan feels better, and I genuienly hope they find a way to minimize his/her illness as much as possible. Being thrown in a psych ward is a horrible thing to need, and I wouldnt wish it on almost anyone. 

To each their own opinion. 

Certifiably ignorant. 

One of the few times I agree entierly with malk. Mental Illness isnt fun, nor is schizophrenia prophecy.

Aman and malk agreeing? 

(Insert ill timed joke about schizophrenia)

God told me it would happen eventually. 

...careful, there. You do know how you make God laugh, right? ;)

Severe depression is a mental illness, too. I've had to keep two loved ones from physically harming themselves for a long time. It's nothing to envy when you or someone you care about stops being able to function.

Tacocat, it's not the mental illness that's fun. You're thinking of drugs.

"Envious"

You're envious of being locked up because you have a mental illness? I don't see anything that would make the case envious at all...

Also, not everyone is crazy here. Drugs, maybe, but not crazy. You and I have different definitions for the word, Taco.

Thanks, Taco. And thanks guys, for your counterpoints... but actually? Taco had it right. Because I was in the best psych ward in the state of Massachusetts. And while I don't know for SURE that Massachusetts is the best in the country... I talked with my good friend who's also bipolar, & on disability for it. And she agrees: Fowler Unit is amazing, actually.

I really liked the staff. Apparently I got the better of the two psychiatrists, and even then, well... he reminded me of my OLD psychiatrist, who dismissed me out of hand when I asked  if he thought I might be "slightly bipolar." Careful as hell not to even look like I was self-diagnosing, and he basically patted me on the head and said there there, of course you're not bipolar, dear.

But I digress. Fowler was a very good place. I'd honestly love to tell you all about it. I also met some very cool people, and I'm feeling a little guilty that I haven't kept in touch. But I can't tell you about them: their stories are not mine to tell.

But yes, I was actually on CYS in Fowler, because they had two computers for people to use at will, basically. Nominally you had to "check out" the keyboard from the nurses' station. In practice, at least while I was there, it didn't matter who checked out the keyboard, we'd just leave them for the next person to use.

I'm not going to say I was the craziest person there. But nobody I talked to -- and by the time I left, I'd talked to everyone -- nobody seemed crazy, to me.

I can see, though, in some of the patterns -- a little bit of food hoarding, because sometimes they'd run out of this or that -- I can see how a not-very-different organizational structure could drive you crazier, actually. Instead of helping you stabilize & be ready to leave. And there were people who wanted to leave, but couldn't, and people who wanted to stay longer, but couldn't.

And there were empty beds, and I'm not sure why... but the only guess I have is a little too "out there," I think.

For the best fictional version of the story I felt like I was living, there's a book called Woman on the Edge of Time, by Marge Piercy. Written back when mental health was much worse. Back when it wasn't yet clear if it would get worse, or better.

I think -- I hope -- I pray -- that my experience reflects a general trend of improvement, and not just some weird isolated bubble of goodness in some horrible soup of misery. 

But hey, we had gay marriage a DECADE before it was country-wide. Let's hear it for states' rights! ;)

IAP! I owe you a PM, right? Damn, thanks for bearing with me. I definitely want to talk shop, at some point. You just told me about too many cool potential projects at once, man. XD

And thank you for the support. As I've mentioned before, I do have some wonderful supportive family members, so please don't worry about me. But it's good to have a wider net, too, of people who know you and might give a damn if you disappeared forever. ;P

I do that too. "Oooh, shiny!" Trying to figure out how to juggle multiple projects, rather than beating myself up over my tendency to jump around. In general, beating oneself up is hella unproductive. XD

Hope youll be okay morgan.

I will. And... thanks. ^_^

...I'm not going to make any sweeping generalizations, buuuut...

...well, there's a reason that birds are rarer than cats or dogs, in the sphere of pets and/or companion animals. XD

I, of course, am not actually an owl. ;)

Good luck Morgan!

Thank you. 

<3

Good luck! Hope you continue your relative sanity.

Haha, thanks. Relatively speaking... I think I'm doing good. ^_^

Bipolar I was the original cult classic. When it caught on, the studio had enough money to come out with Bipolar II, but it was complete shit and obviously just a sham to make the fans give them nostalgia money. In the early 2000s, a remake, dubbed simply "Bipolar" was made, opening it up to a new audience, but failing hard with critics.

XD

Good question. And when I last hit Wikipedia... wellll, it was the first time for me to see a really lengthy page that really did look weirdly biased, to me... And in a way that I disagree with, too. ;P

My personal theory is that bipolar is another spectrum disorder. But only time will tell.

Best of luck.  Just don't be madglee when you come back XD

Haha! Wow! Exdee! Sp00per quirky, guys! 

Ha! Okay, you just tweaked the lion's tail. Let's see if you live to tell the tale... XD

He wouldn't be madglee without the mad.

XD

...he's got the glee down too, doesn't he? ;)

I do remember the old post about you being Bipolar. Good luck staying strong you silly avian! Sounds quite scary in my opinion and the lack of sleep is never fun. 

Just know you've got an entire community of online "strangers" to support you!

Quote unquote. Thanks, man.*

*gender- neutral usage, obvs. 

Thank you! *checks profile* oooh. Love to know what you think of Forster. Barely remember reading him in college, but he seemed to have some really striking ideas, as I recall.

I am barely functioning right now... so, more later, but love ya, Morgan. Take good care of yourself, alright?

(hug)

Take care of yourself first, always. Can't help anyone else if you're not okay, okay? :/

*hug*

Yeah... I know. I just had a very long, very important conversation with someone who needed me last night, and it kind of meant foregoing six hours of sleep. Considering that was supposed to be my night off... well... I'll rest eventually.
 

Yeah. Hope you have a sliver of a happy holiday in there, too... if I don't catch you before that particular form of collective madness is over.

Hope the best for you.

Thanks!

...I think you're gonna hate what I'm gonna post about Trump, over here. If/when. But I bet it'll be within both the letter & the spirit of the law. ;)

That's OK (I'm apathetic to the whole thing now anyway) ZFLTG one might say xD

Uhhh... what? Sorry, that's not in my acronym vocab set. XD

(The one I use that nobody seems to get is YMMV: Your Mileage May Vary. Also the phrase,  "throw your hat over the wall," which is super fun. A Mark Twainism, I think.)

ZIONISTS FOR LEGALLY TAKEN GUNS! 

It's a conspiracy! You ain't takin muh guns, you LIEBRULS!

XD

...no joke, I still sometimes slip & say Eviloution, as in, evolutionary theory. Which is just a theory, and is also a construct of the secularists who are trying to undermine Our Faith. Not that my high school was exactly 'my' faith, since I was technically Orthodox Christian, and they were non-denominational...

But yeah. Mandatory Bible class, 'Current Events' included discussion of The Gay Agenda, et cetera and so on.

Oh yes, and our principal/primary teacher liked to make the 'Ellen Degenerate' pun, when Ellen was basically the first TV personality to come out as gay. Very funny, Wid. 9_9

And you know what? Pretty cool high school, otherwise. Wouldn't retroactively wish myself elsewhere. Just, you know... kind of spent my college years as a clinically depressed deeply closeted gay kid, with no actual close friends besides my Very Christian Friend, who I also lived with, who I was terrified to tell.

I actually don't remember how I told her, I was so stressed & scared about it, I just... blocked the memories, I think. (She was awesome about it, by the by. I still like & respect her immensely, even though we hardly keep up with each other, these days.)

I do remember the first person I told... but that's another story, and I need to get back into the fray. Just a couple more presents to get, for some of my cousins. ^_^

You'd never know public school until you've tried it out.  :<

Er, yes?

I can't tell if you're defending your school or what. It's a little late for me to go to public school, right? But the Kid is in public school, and her school is seriously cool. ^_^

Poking at the point that you wouldn't retroactively spend your pre-college schooling elsewhere, I was.

Haha, well, the first time I went crazy, I kind of fixated on time travel & doing things over. I mean, I wasn't Actually Crazy, so I knew it wasn't gonna happen. I just... obsessed on it, basically.

Aaaanyway. I owe you folks a game, so this is me, shutting up now:

:x

You and Madglee should get together. Then you could be the crazy old couple of the site! :D 

Bipolar's a bitch, or so I've heard, and becoming manic is even more of an issue, but from the sounds of things I think you'll be OK. Although you're certifiably crazy now, you should be able to overcome it, like any (well, maybe not "any" - more like a fixable) other illness, physical or mental. At least, I have faith you will. :P 

Although you probably shouldn't trust a bunch of strangers on the Internet, just know if you ever need a word, we're all here if you need us, as is those in the 'real world' who could probably support you much more effectively than we could ever hope. My only advice is to remain optimistic; have fun with it, but don't lose sight of the fact you'll need to (and will) get better. Hell, you could even use this as material for a story, or base an alternate personality around the other end of the bipolar switch! You could call her: "Anti-Morgan"! XD 

Haha, that made me think of OOTS: Anti-Morgan has a clearly-defined gender identity. 

Hope things work out well for you Morgan. ^_^

Oh god, I don't want to have to deal with Anti-Morgan ever XD "I am not a she, nor a he. I am not an it, I am a person."

In the book I referenced upthread, the standard pronoun is actually person/per:

"Person is very strange," or "I am worried about per."

It's always been my favorite pronoun set, but nobody else seems to want to use it. I'm honestly not sure why, it flows very well in the text, I think. 

^_^

Um. I do appreciate your kind & optimistic words, but I'm pretty sure I'm as better as it's possible to get, within our current limitations. Psychiatry & mental/behavioral health is in its infancy. There's no path to "not bipolar" for me... only learning how to manage the sine wave of highs & lows, to keep me in as much of a normal range as possible.

And, welll... I believe in neurodiversity. Other people have other perspectives on mental health, but if you offered me a "cure" that would make me neurotypical... I would politely refuse. Unless my support net, the people I know & trust, insisted that it was the right call. But I would lose so much, to not have this wild half-harnessed creative energy, the ability to see patterns in human behavior that others overlook. This feeling of shared humanity, not just with my friends, but with... everyone.

In my world, which may or may not be delusional... there are no monsters. There are many angels unaware... and some beings so broken they may never heal. And yes, sometimes, the right thing to do is to kill someone. Someone who threatens you or yours. But I choose to carry no weapons... and not just because I am crazy. I operate from a position of faith. And I would rather die than kill... but if you go after my people, the ones I love, I will do whatever it takes to stop you.

TL;DR: Neutral Good Bipolar Bard is actually kind of awesome to play. Save your sympathy for the NPCs. XD

I was totally fucking lost until that TL;DR saved me there XD I'd imagine you can do something like that even without bipolar, though. I'm just saying if there's a healthier alternative to insanity, then you should probably go for it! Maybe... 

You know what? Ignore everything I've said and do whatever feels best :P 

Haha! Thanks. XD

I'm not saying bipolar is better or some crap like that. Just that it's what I've got to work with, and to deal with. And I have no regrets. Wellll, okay, a couple small regrets. I've fucked up in the past, for sure. But at a certain age, you've got to decide if you're going to spend the next decade looking back, or looking forward.

My past is what it is. My future is what I make of it.

No metaphorical belts. No guns. Maaaaaybe a sword, if I can get to that point physically...

Elizabeth Moon once showed me how to hold a rapier. One of the best birthday presents I ever got, & she didn't even know it was my birthday. I was too shy to say. XD

Hey Morgan,

I don't really know you that well, but I hope that you get better (or at least find some kind of healthy stability). I know personally that mental illness is nothing short of difficult to handle. And as everyone else mentioned, what society deems as "normality" is ridiculous. I mean, I talk to myself on a consistent basis, and I'm perfectly sane!

Hi Leo! Thank you for reaching out, because goodness knows that can be hard to do... well, for some of us. I will say, anyone who quotes Wilde is automatically in my good graces. ;)

Well, I try. But I do have one question. You mentioned that you often enter a kind of manic state in your condition. How does the opposite state, a "depressive" state I suppose, feel to you? I'm sorry if the question is a little bit (or maybe a lot) personal, but I'm rather curious for a number of reasons.

I wouldn't have mentioned it if I wasn't willing to field questions, so no worries!

In high school it manifested as what was assumed to be some sort of fatigue. In college, I slid into a more "classic" depression. I was terribly lonely & sad, and self-medicated with what was essentially a low-grade form of cyberbullying.

Then, in my sophmore year, I realized I was gay. And that just... well, it was the cue for me to tear myself apart, emotionally. I was the thing that I had been taught was The Worst Thing. I needed social/emotional support, and I had no one to turn to, because my friends from high school were all Very Christian.

Anyway, this is all very much water under the bridge, to me. These days my depressive state basically feels like the exhaustion of a flu. I stay in bed a lot, & listen to podcasts, or maybe play some simple casual games on my phone. I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to do that, and to work for a company where my part-time status is actually an asset.

Hope that's helpful... and I'm curious why you were curious, but no obligation to swap stories. I happen to be coming down with an actual virus, so I'm just taking it easy, cosy in bed & internetting. ^_^

Since you satiated my curiosity, it's only fair that I do the same for you. There are mainly two reasons:

1) I have been writing a story recently that involves the trials and tribulations of a man struggling with depression and PTSD following his girlfriend's death. The story would focus primarily on his internal conflict and development, and how he eventually finds a woman who shows him how to love and get himself back on his feet.

2) The second reason lies with personal experience. I have a tendency to fall into these strange states, sometimes for extended periods of time, where I just become emotionless. At one point in the day I might be fine, and then later on the same day my mental state switches to one of apathy to the point of abnormal calm. My thoughts start working overtime, and on bad days I turn to self-deprecating reflection or things of the like.

Gotcha. All I can say, as someone else who switches states, albeit in a different way... sensory input & meaningful input can both be triggers for me. If I'm flying too high, a meal might help ground me. If I'm down, a visit from a friend can work wonders. Favorite media is also a good tool, for me. Oh, and exercise. Any kind, even just a walk.

YMMV, but I think the concept of tools, of finding what helps you switch, is a good one to know.

Lorazepam is linked to Alzheimer's? Great...

So long as you aren't harming others, your health and comfort take precedence over your appearance of normalcy. I hope you'll find something that works for you.