Probably should have cut down on the chicken fat dipped in lard after the second heart attack.
Pity is a good strategy, but I think by this point you've outplayed even that
Given the ops joke "I could never outrun my past" is a poor choice of words
You writing anything cool?
Very, very greasy fingerprints.
They were actually 634. Can't even count
RIP the foul-smelling legend.
Rest in peace. I wish I could say something nice, or even neutral, but the holy book of my people commands me to speak only the truth. He was so fat that he was completely round, weighing in at approximately 10^24 kg. He had a weak gravitational field, and was surrounded by a slowly rotating dust cloud of cheetoh dust. He had a devastating addiction to snorting lines of chocolate milk powers. He had a girlfriend even rounder than he was; their combined mass actually prevented light from escaping.
But, a man is more than his body. What can be said about his personality?
Well, he hated his whole family. His mother, tragically, ate so much junk food that he developed fetal ass hamburgers syndrome. He never forgave her. When he was born, he ate the umbilical cord himself; it sprayed Mountain Dew all over the horrified attending doctors.
As he grew older, his hatred grew even further. He began to despise his parents for creating them. He had to despise them from a distance, of course, because he could never stray far from the simple syrup IV drip that he was connected to at all times, lest his blood sugar drop to fatal levels. If that ever happened, the great beast would fall with such mass that it killed millions. This is exactly what happened; there are only a few thousand survivors of the Great Kentucky Crash, and they will berar the scars forever.
He is remembered for his brief, passionate affair with Enterpride. Enter tried to initiate him into the Cult of Iron, in the hopes of letting him lose a hundred kilograms of his tremendous girth. Unfortunately, he failed, to account for the fact that Ace is both fully capable, and entirely willing to digest thousands of pounds of gym equipment. Before the park rangers took him down with tranquilizers, he managed to eat five hundred pounds worth of dumbbells. Not to mention two dozen unfortunate gym goers.
He never did well in school. Well, perhaps it's better to say school never did well in him. On his third day, after being bullied for his cosmic proportions, he unhinged his jaw like Fenrir, the great wolf at the end of the world, and swallowed the whole building. Ever since then, whenever his mouth opened , you can hear the screams souls within. His mouth was frequently opened, because it was the only way he could breathe.