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Just got the news that our beloved rotten hog foot has died of a heart attack to nobodys surprise. Good riddance.

Thread for spitting on the corpse or saying RIP if you're the brightest ray of sunshine on the planet.

Edit:: News about the state of the corpse is mixed due to the coroner needing to call in a construction crew to bring in large enough equipment for transfer/repositioning of the body. Most people agree it's a blight upon the world and should probably be incinerated. Locals are hoping it is taken care of on a windy day so that the town won't smell of rancid pork ass.

Probably should have cut down on the chicken fat dipped in lard after the second heart attack.

Given what we know of his health I feel this thread is irresponsible, his arteries are full of peanut butter as it is and reading the news of his death could come as a fatal shock.

And I'm sorry guys but he's not coming back to the server no matter how much you miss him. We need a new lolcow.

What did I do this time?

Wow, did you just make an alt account?

Mizal, I don't know what you think I've done, but at this point I'm just some guy who lurks on the forums and sometimes puts some words down on some stories. I gave up trying to get back into the discord a long time ago. I know it's a hopeless endevor and even if I got in by some miracle I would never outrun my past.

Pity is a good strategy, but I think by this point you've outplayed even that

Did you even try logging in to your account before making a new one and coming here crying?

It logged me out of the other one, along with this thread, I assumed I'd been banned. If this isn't because of some retard joining the discord, what is it for then?

You expect me to explain the inner workings of Ford's mind?

Please, for the love of God, do NOT try

Lmao

Given the ops joke "I could never outrun my past" is a poor choice of words

You writing anything cool?

Working on a project, but don't have enough to really show right now. Everything is on google doc atm. Also in reply to your other post, it was intentional lol.

Sometimes I can still hear him whining. Like fingerprints on an abandoned handrail, fading into the distance...

Very, very greasy fingerprints.

Like a sponge dipped in lard run across a waxy railing fading into the distance

One local news station reported on the body, mistaking it for a whale out of ignorance. The public education in Kentucky is not very good; but here's what was reported:



It had to be said the kentucky state highway division not only had a whale of a problem on its hands, it had a stinking whale of a problem. What to do with one 45-foot eight-ton whale? Dead on arrival; at a McDonalds near Central City. It had been so long since a whale had washed up in the urban area of Muhlenberg county nobody could remember how to get rid of one. In selecting its battle plan, the highway division decided the carcass couldn't be buried because it might soon be uncovered, it couldn't be cut up and then buried because nobody wanted to cut it up, and it couldn't be burned. So dynamite it was, some 20 cases or a half ton of it. The hope was that the long dead hump back whale would be almost disintegrated by the blast and that any small pieces still around after the explosion would be taken care of by pidgeons, buzzards, racoons, and coons roaming the street.

Indeed the pidgeons and buzzards had been standing nearby all day as everything was being made ready. We asked George Thornton, the highway engineer in charge of the project, for his final observation. "Well I'm confident that it'll work. The only thing is we're not sure just exactly how much explosives it'll take to disintegrate this thing, so the scavengers: pidgeons and blacks and whatnot can clean it up." he said. We asked if there was any chance it might be more than a one-day job to which he replied: "If there's any large chunks left we may have to do some other cleanup, possibly set another charge."

The dynamite was positioned primarily on the leeward side of the big mammal so as most of the remains would be blown toward the Burger King across the way. The idea being that if the McDonalds was done for, they wanted to at least take a competitor down with them. About 75 bystanders, most of them residents who had first found the whale to be an object of curiosity before they tired of its smell, were moved back a block away. The sidewalks there were covered with spectators and strong-stomach newsmen shortly to become stomached newsmen for the blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds.

Immediately after the blast the humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere. Pieces of meat passed high over our heads while others were falling at our feet. The sidewalks were rapidly evacuated as spectators escaped both the falling debris and the overwhelming smell. A parked car over at the Burger King was the target of one large chunk. The passenger compartment literally smashed.

Fortunately no human was hit as badly as the car, however everyone on the scene was covered with small particles of dead whale. As for the success of the effort, the buzzards who were supposed to clean things up were nowhere in sight - either scared away by the explosion or kept away by the smell. That didn't really matter as the remaining chunks were of such a size that no respectable scavenger would attempt to tackle anyway. As darkness began to set in, the highway crews were back at the rubble of the McDonalds attempting to load the remains onto a truck including a large piece of the carcass which never left the blast site.

It might be concluded that, should a whale ever wash up in Muhlenberg county again, those in charge will not only remember what to do - they'll certainly remember what not to do.

That's such a waste of perfectly good McDonalds, but I hope there's at least a local restaurant somewhere that can make use of the remains now that they're in more manageable sizes.

Glad I inspired you enough and had such a postive impact on your life that you would dedicate 600 words to beating a dead horse (or whale if you perfer.) I am, for all intents and purposes, dead by the way. I meant what I said about trying to get back into the discord

I am a machine that feeds on spite and fear/desire, so thanks for the attention.

They were actually 634. Can't even count 

The weather that day was cloudy, with a chance of meatballs.

My bad for not recognizing the source, I will not commend the next commendation worthy thing Ford does, to make up for it.

Might be a bit of a wait.

The (lard) king is dead!

Long live the (lard) king!

RIP the foul-smelling legend.

Rest in peace. I wish I could say something nice, or even neutral, but the holy book of my people commands me to speak only the truth. He was so fat that he was completely round, weighing in at approximately 10^24 kg. He had a weak gravitational field, and was surrounded by a slowly rotating dust cloud of cheetoh dust. He had a devastating addiction to snorting lines of chocolate milk powers. He had a girlfriend even rounder than he was; their combined mass actually prevented light from escaping. 

But, a man is more than his body. What can be said about his personality? 

Well, he hated his whole family. His mother, tragically, ate so much junk food that he developed fetal ass hamburgers syndrome. He never forgave her. When he was born, he ate the umbilical cord himself; it sprayed Mountain Dew all over the horrified attending doctors. 

As he grew older, his hatred grew even further. He began to despise his parents for creating them. He had to despise them from a distance, of course, because he could never stray far from the simple syrup IV drip that he was connected to at all times, lest his blood sugar drop to fatal levels. If that ever happened, the great beast would fall with such mass that it killed millions. This is exactly what happened; there are only a few thousand survivors of the Great Kentucky Crash, and they will berar the scars forever. 

He is remembered for his brief, passionate affair with Enterpride. Enter tried to initiate him into the Cult of Iron, in the hopes of letting him lose a hundred kilograms of his tremendous girth. Unfortunately, he failed, to account for the fact that Ace is both fully capable, and entirely willing to digest thousands of pounds of gym equipment. Before the park rangers took him down with tranquilizers, he managed to eat five hundred pounds worth of dumbbells. Not to mention two dozen unfortunate gym goers. 

He never did well in school. Well, perhaps it's better to say school never did well in him. On his third day, after being bullied for his cosmic proportions, he unhinged his jaw like Fenrir, the great wolf at the end of the world, and swallowed the whole building. Ever since then, whenever his mouth opened , you can hear the screams souls within. His mouth was frequently opened, because it was the only way he could breathe.

I also despise his parents for creating him.

Oh no! :(
I haven't met Ace in person, only hearing the tales he left behind, he seemed like someone I would've liked to know about(perhaps)

RIP Ace, best regards from Peng.

Perhaps in another life

E: lol the halo in my pfp suits this

It's a Funyun ring.

His beard must smell like onions then. Onions and ben gay. Onions, ben gay, and sadness.

The sadness was implied