The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (The Glorified Fanfic)
Alright going to start off by saying I’m spoiling this movie mainly because nobody really needs to go see this.
Also going to say, I’m not really a Tolkien nerd that knows every damn detail of Middle Earth history. Hell even The Hobbit movies didn’t piss me off like they drove some into a RAGE around here.
That being said there’s still a limit. Like based on what I know that shitty Rings of Power Amazon show, it definitely sounds like something I wouldn’t want to associate with the work. Orcs having baby orcs and orc families so you’re supposed to feel sympathy for them just isn’t something I need, let alone arguments over “nobody is born evil”.
Orcs can argue with the point of a fucking sword.
So where does WOTR fall on this ever growing scale of LOTR fanfic? Well, for me, it wasn’t the TV level since I at least was intrigued enough to watch it, but that’s a really low bar.
One could say for the LOTR purists this wouldn’t be as bad as The Hobbit movies since it doesn’t alter a whole lot of established canon, but the movie has issues even without that.
So this is basically about King Helm Hammerhand’s unnamed daughter who is apparently called Hera. As you can expect she’s one of those girls that doesn’t want to do any of that princess stuff and is doing other things like feeding giant eagles, playing with swords and generally being a tomboy.
The shitstorm gets started when one of the lesser lords comes with the offer of marrying his son to Helm’s daughter and Helm ain’t having it mainly because he doesn’t like this particular lord in the first place and he wants her to marry someone from Gondor anyway.
Helm realizes he needs to slap this fucker down so he knows his place and he literally one punches the guy and kills him. Naturally this upsets the son Wulf who is already pissed because Hera doesn’t really want to marry him despite the fact he’s been simping for her since they were kids. Of course it’s not just him, she doesn’t want to marry any man because she’s really a big lesbian. (Oh okay, that bit’s not established, but come on we all know what’s going on) He gets exiled along with the remainder of his clan and he vows revenge one day.
Now then, this all might sound like “woke” narrative what with strong independent women and incel dudes wanting revenge because they can’t get laid by the hawt princess, however I would propose that THIS aspect is counter balanced by the fact that Helm, his family and his people in general are all mostly a bunch of Aryan master race folks (Hell his two sons are blonde and Hera’s a red head) with the pure blood of GODS AND KINGS and they’re basically killing a bunch of treacherous mudblood untermensch (Wulf himself has half hill people blood) and darkies (Southern mercs show up later)
So no being “woke” isn’t the issue with the movie and despite the based racism going on, the movie still manages to fuck things up
Anyway years pass and some shit happens, but nothing important until Wulf shows up with an army of wild hill people and a bunch of African mercenaries with hostile elephants. He’s actually making his staging ground at Isengard which confused the hell out of me since I thought that was Suraman’s home, but apparently he wasn’t living there yet.
He even captures Hera and she even offers to marry him in order to stop him from attacking, but he’s done simping and nothing short of mountains of skulls and rivers of blood are going to do at this point.
She escapes and warns her dad with one of her warrior cousins, but he’s an idiot and gets pissed at her cousin for “not protecting her properly” and sends him away. Should be noted that her cousin has also got mixed wild hill people blood so her dad was probably just being racist.
Hera wants to go fight since she’s all into the legends of the shield maidens, but he tells her she’s supposed to stay home and make sandwiches while the men have all the fun killing each other.
Turns out of course, there was a traitor that Wulf had in Helm’s court so the battle doesn’t go as planned and they have to retreat despite initially doing well.
So Eodoras gets razed to the ground (though it managed to get evacuated first) one of Helm’s sons gets an arrow to the neck and Helm himself gets riddled with them, but manages to survive. Everyone’s retreating to a place called Hornberg since it’s a lot easier to hold up and defend from there. Helm’s other son gets captured along the way.
So Helm and Hera are at Hornsberg and Wulf is standing outside with his general and Helm’s younger son in tow. Helm offers to surrender everything in exchange for his son’s life and even Wulf’s general is telling him to take the deal because it’s going to be slog if they have to assault Hornsberg, especially with winter coming soon and all.
However now its Wulf’s turn to make bad strategic decisions and he just executes Helm’s son and tells his general to have everyone start building a big ass siege tower throughout fucking winter.
Now I think it was at this point, the movie just started to lose me since I wasn’t really minding it up to then. It started slowing down and I think the stupid military decisions just started to annoy me too much. Bigger problem is Wulf just isn’t an impressive villain. And granted yeah this is looking at a normal human conflict so he’s not going to be Smaug or Sauron, but I dunno he’s like Kylo Ren level as far as impressive villains are concerned. (Which is more of shot at how unimpressive Klyo was considering he was a Sithlord while Wulf is just some usurper of a minor kingdom.)
So Hera’s dad is in coma of sorts, but despite his wounds he’s still healing up. People in Hornsberg are worrying about supplies running out and Hera’s trying to keep morale up while hoping her dad gets better. Wulf takes the crown even though Helm isn’t dead, but he’s confident that it won’t be long.
Months are passing and winter gets worse and now trouble comes to the besiegers. Someone starts killing shitloads of them which fucks up the whole siege tower construction. Things get even worse when the bodies are later found eaten.
Wulf’s people think it’s Helm come back as some sort of monster. Hera and her folks don’t know what to make of it since they don’t even know how the hell her dad disappeared. Hera ends up stumbling on some one way secret passage and it leads outside so she investigates.
And then she ends up stumbling on something that really wasn’t necessary other than it’s a Lord of the Rings movie so hey, you gotta have orcs in it right?
Yeah she stumbles on a couple of orcs that are picking over the dead bodies. What its established that they’re doing is looking for rings. They got a little bag full of them, and they also got a horned troll with them and that’s the thing been eating the bodies. (Well probably the orcs are eating some of them too)
Anyway the orcs and their troll are about to kill Hera, but then more impossible things happen with Helm coming from out of nowhere and starts fist fighting a damn troll. And wins.
Turns out Helm has been out in the cold for months on end killing Wulf’s men with his bare hands. Also no armor or hell not even protective clothing from the cold at all. And keep in mind this guy is an old man that was severely wounded. Yeah I guess that’s what being an Aryan Ubermensch will do for you
I think my problem with this isn’t so much doing 6 impossible things before breakfast, but more with the fact of if old man Helm can kill half of Wulf’s army (AND a fucking troll) in the freezing cold with his bare fucking hands over the course of several months while recovering from heavy wounds, then why in Balrog’s balls wasn’t he able to just kill Wulf’s entire fucking army while he was in perfect health, armored, and had a goddamn weapon in hand?
I mean this guy is clearly a Chadly demigod, there was no reason to ever retreat, fucking war with Wulf would have been over within the first half of the movie.
Anyway Helm and Hera run back to Hornsberg and she manages to get back inside, but he holds off the army by himself and Wulf’s mongrels aren’t even the ones that kill him. The next day Hera finds her dad standing outside the gates still fucking standing guard frozen to death. Shit, if they’d thought to shove a bear skin through the door opening to give the guy to wear he could have survived.
So now Helm’s dead which means there really is no real reason to besiege Hornsberg anymore, since Wulf is officially the king with no contest now seeing as Helm’s sons are also dead. Wulf’s general advises him that the best course of action would be to pack it all up, head home and start properly ruling. But Wulf as usual has to be a retard.
However, Wulf even acknowledges his retardedness by stating that all he’s got left is revenge and if he doesn’t get it completely then all of it is for nothing. So like a true incel he’s gotta kill the hot Stacy that turned him down, instead of just y’know going back and enjoying being king and fucking a more willing Stacy.
Anyway so the final showdown is Hornsberg getting overrun, but Hera challenges Wulf’s MANHOOD with a one on one battle, winner takes all. Once again, Wulf’s poor general advises him that this is obviously a trick and for him to NOT take the fucking bait.
So of course Wulf takes the fucking bait and gets his ass kicked by a girl. (Facepalms ensue anytime Wulf doesn't listen to his general)
However Wulf being the bastard he is, has no intention of honoring his word that he’ll leave and orders and all out attack. His general though has had enough of this shit and refuses to follow orders calling him a dishonorable coward. Wulf being a dishonorable coward ends up suddenly killing his general and ordering the attack himself.
Chaos ensues, but Hera’s cousin comes in with his army to save the day. Hera meanwhile has one more round with Wulf and she actually doesn’t want to kill him, but he resorts to sneak attacks again and she doesn’t have much choice.
Alright so it all wraps up with Hornsberg getting renamed Helm’s Deep, Hera’s cousin takes the throne since Hera doesn’t want to rule, Saruman shows up to become Isengard’s new caretaker, and finally Hera’s off to see Gandalf since he wants to know more about the orcs that have been looking for rings.
Then the narration states that Hera remained a unmarried lesbian for the rest of her days.
The End
Yeah so that was certainly a movie set in Middle Earth