Gay Old Time

I’m very conflicted about what to say for this story. On the one hand, I didn’t enjoy it much and felt happy to get it over with. On the other hand, this is a genuinely creative story and really should get its rightful accolades. So, I’m going to write a positive review and explain why this story was not my cup of tea.

SPOILERS

So, the first time through, I was definitely not a fan. Simply listening to a one-sided conversation about Tobias aka Marcel explaining what a rough childhood he had was definitely not my idea of a good time. There was the whole thing about the mysterious man saving him in the bathtub, but that really just felt like out of place deus ex machina at that point.

On the second time through, after the time weaver demon sent me back, things started to make sense. I didn’t start to enjoy the story at all yet, as it consisted of me listening to Elise complain about how bad her childhood was and vent about her sister.

It wasn’t until the fifth try (my third and fourth were wasted) that it began to be enjoyable. This is where the mystery and the whole point behind the story became apparent. Demon hunters, contracts, mind reading, and more. The world had so many twists and turns in it. This mutual knowledge is what gave the protagonist and Elise a sort of understanding or bond, and I really liked that particular aspect of the story.

I will say that unless the average reader is smarter than me, it’s likely there will be a great deal of confusion as to what is going on in the story. Though the “find it out as you go’ is very enjoyable for the most part, I wonder if it wouldn’t have improved the story if a few details were more readily given.

Additionally, listening to Marcel, a known liar, talk about all this hardcore stuff that he supposedly did after leaving home seems very disingenuous. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe him or not.

There were a few annoying spelling errors (desert is a place without water; dessert is a sweet food), but nothing that was a real issue. There were also a few phrasing issues. One I remember is “I couldn’t help feeling but a little sorry for her” when it should be “I can’t help but feel a little sorry…”

Anyway, I think most of the reason I didn’t enjoy reading this story was the format of one sided conversation. This wasn’t helped by the fact that both characters are quite misanthropic.

While you may not love the story, it is a fresh take on time travel that will not disappoint in that regard.

This has been up for a few days and has no comments, so I thought I'd fix that.

The problem is that I don't have the time to read through 60k words right now, so I'll rate and leave my thoughts based solely on the first page.

I vow to come back and give it the read-through and well-thought out comment it deserves though. Someday.

Without further ado, first page, my thoughts.

'Huh, a visitor? Anyway, it’s quite late already. I thought that we wouldn’t have any people coming in, because of the snowstorm outside and all.'

It's refreshing to see a CYOA written in first person, and the style of narration certainly is unique. No dialogue tags, thoughts mixed in with speech.

The snowstorm is brought up in a way that feels natural, explanations nicely interwoven with text, I liked that. Seems like it'll be important later.

'When I was driving to work, I could barely ... today because of the weather.'

Snowstorm was brought up again in greater detail, it's definitely important to the plot in some way.

'Perhaps it’s wiser to walk home and leave your car here for the night. Did you leave your coat in the car? Wait, you didn’t bring anything?'

Who's this "you"? Is the narrator different than the protagonist? In any case, that piqued my interest.

'Then there is this rumor of a terrible murder that happened yesterday. The police haven’t made a report as of yet, but I heard that some of the suspects are now lying in this hospital. Quite a scary world we live in, right?'

This has to be important to the plot, I'm sure of it. You can't just casually mention a murder and never reference it again. Why wasn't something so huge brought up sooner?

The character's reaction is a bit tame for something so extreme, is he hiding something?

'Did you at least make an appointment beforehand? No? I shouldn’t be surprised.'

Again, who's this "you"? Someone referring to the narrator, or the narrator's thoughts? Still, an interesting way to tell a story.

'Welcome to the Haarlem central hospital.'

Haarlem, is that a reference to something?

Seems it's just a city in the Netherlands. Makes sense, since you do live there. I was confusing it with harem.

'What’s your name and who is the lucky person to get a surprise visit?'

Oh, so the "you" is just someone talking to the narrator. The dialogue might get confusing later in the story then, especially if there are multiple people talking. That'll be an interesting read, at least.

'It's for administration efforts and to find that person in the database. I’ll print out the directions and the room number for you. Above each hallway you have those little route numbers. Just follow those and you’ll be fine.'

This part felt unnecessary, just say the room number without so much explanation.

But just to make sure I wasn't being retarded and missing a critical plot point, I went ahead and read the second and third pages, to check if the reader really had to know about the process of finding a room.

It still seems that the information given here is pointless wasted words. (Though half of this review is also pointless wasted words, so I may not be the best person to take advice from.)

In all, I liked it, and I'll definitely come back to give it a proper read later.

This story is definitely gay. At this point, I would be surprised if anything you write isn't at least a little gay. Being gay doesn't make it a bad story though. I enjoyed it. I was a bit doubtful of the writing style you chose at first, but it grew on me as I got through more and more of it. There were minor grammar mistakes like missing letters, wrong word tenses, and misspellings, but it is also a large story so I can let it slide.

It was a great read, but as I am slightly homophobic and you misspelled some things, I can only give it a 6.

Very very GAY

miz told me to leave constructive criticism for your school project and I gotta say this is kinda weird to put this much effort into homework. learn to calm down.