The Mystic Kingdom

This game was... not alright for a first attempt.

The first page was not good at all. It was simply too short. Remember to add more DETAILS in your story. Adjectives and Adverbs that describe your story can flesh it out and invoke someone's imagination. Remember to Show, don't tell.

Second, don't use the restart link or the end game and leave comments link to cheat through the game. Seriously, I rate those games extremely low since it removes the choice in your games! Make a Choose your own adventure! Not a... Linear story that only extends in one line.

Third, Use capital letters at the start of ALL your sentences. There are some links that don't start with a capital letter and that really bothers most readers a lot!

The last negative, This story doesn't make sense at all. I mean I know it's a fantasy story but put rules in your fantasy and make it a little more... Realistic! You should consider reading Sci-fi games if you want to know how to balance realism and fantasy.

Here are the positives!

This game suffers from a small amount of spelling errors and grammar errors but it doesn't really bother me as much as the capital words issue, so you're alright on those standards.

This game has a semi-interesting plot that might have hooked me if you shown at the first page and tell. The only reason why I wasn't hooked is because of the lack of description and Imagery.

The complete lack of capitalization in some cases and the fact that instead of having a separate path when you reach a big crossroads, the same stuff happens and you have to pick "If you chose blah blah go here" or "If you choose blah blah blah go here". The story also has very little variety in the vocabulary, and contains very few adjectives which makes everything very unclear. What is this place, who are you, who are the protagonists, who are the antagonists? Nothing is clear, it's like going through a fog during the story and having to blindly pick choices. But sadly the choices and plot are very linear and it is incredibly easy to predict which one is wrong or right and very obvious what would happen if you picked something.

In the future, try to add more descriptions and details, as well as backstory and some action. Try to make the plot itself more interesting, other than, "Find dead guys, find VIP, be hero, 'save' kingdom, mega super happy ending, whoopee."

Not long enough, and too few choices! I got the ending where I stayed to protect the kingdom, and it lead mew straight to the end!!! I rated it a 3... JUST TO BE NICE!

Alright... so. First, paragraph breakdown, more descriptions, SHOW don't tell.

Next, need sensible events. Some of the choices didn't make sense, and there was a lot of "choose this or die" links, which are annoying.

I think the presentation of the story could've been better. It wasn't fleshed out. I like the idea, but it just wasn't enough. More description please.

Nice job, though. It has potential. :)

Really short.

that was kind of short

It had a decent plot but it was too simple and the execution was poor.

Linear!

Haha when I go searching for missing Queens and leave a note for my mum wouldn't after I get grabbed by random guards and thrown into prison to rot wouldn't she know to come down to the jailhouse and bail me out? :) This plot has more holes than a fishing net

It's Okay, but could have been a lot better. You need to explain who the man character is, and why he cares about the queen. Explain each scene in more detail. Once you set the background up better you could develop this into a decent story.