I'm currently employing the Steve method in writing this one. I slap words onto the screen as fast as I can without caring much for spelling and such until the end. The first page, however, was somewhat edited by me already. I'd like to see if the odd style that I apparently write in when writing quickly is liked by the site. Apparently, my dialogue becomes heavily influenced by the wording of the NKJ Bible. (P.S. The first page mostly sets up the protag and the setting. Romance will come soon but later.)
Some say fields of flowers during a red sunset are the most beautiful site to behold, but they are wrong. I say it is the battlefield with men on either side being in perfect silence. Yes, there are those who yell, but in moments like this, we all are hushed.
I turn to Achish. He stands by my side with a face like a stone. Forwards he glares at the walls of the enemy. Bir Kale is the only step before victory and glory.
"What do the other commanders say?" I ask Achish.
He doesn't turn his head when he replies, "Sir, they are in disagreement. Neither can decide whether we should lay siege or attack them now. They agreed to follow your word."
"What do you think?"
"I agree with the others."
I stare at the walls. They are not too high, but the gate is thick. Long since my family launched our campaign, I hear whispers of this fortress. Too many raiders or armies of days' old have squandered their forces upon it like waves on a cliff.
But, I earn for the feel of battle. I am the warrior and loved by my men. We could storm the walls with any manner of strategy, yet my men would fall. How much glory would I give if I make only conquered lands and coffins? Though, how much glory would I bring if I sat with my army a year to starve out the bravest of my worthy foes?
"Don't tell the men to expect war tomorrow. I need to think more," I say, "We have come too far to squander the gods' favor. I will retire to my tent."
Achish nods and leaves to relay the orders. I walk to my tent and lay my sword down. She whispers her unquenchable thirst into my ears, but I cannot let her sway me.
I law down and close my eyes. Maybe a rested mind could find the solution to my problem. My mind wanders.
"My lord," says a voice. I rise and see the priest. "May I offer you my opinion?"
"Surely," I say to Mahlon, "I will never rebuke brethren who've traveled through all with me."
"Attack." His gaze holds no sign of humor.
"Attack, slay them all. Savas wishes for you to lead your attack in three days. Then, he will grant you a worthy victory."
I stand and nod. I say, "I will take your words to heart. Thank you for revealing Savas' desire."
"My please, my lord," says Mahlon. He nods and leaves.
I lay out two maps on the floor. One if of the city and the other is of the land. My chariots and horses will be of little use. That is certain. I also won't have enough time now to build the proper tools. Well, we could build a battering ram. All I truly know is that Savas is smiling on me. The Warrior God always favors me, and now he has given me his wisdom.
"My lord," says Achish, "A messenger from our Lord the King approaches." I exit the tent and see my most trusted friend with a rare expression on his face. He shows worry.
"Let us speak to the man to see what my father has to say," I reply.
We walk hurriedly to the edge of our encampment. There, a man bearing the Great King's emblem dismounts his horse. His armor is polishes and his boots are clean, so he stands out easily from my men.
I say to the meseneger, "What is it that my father has to say? Does he not know we are about to overtake Bir Kale and thus the Insanlar?"
The young man clears his throat and lets out in a booming voice, "The Great King himself has given his final order to the Crown Prince Darius. The Great King will give his throne upon his soon death from fevor if the Crown Prince takes and presents his wife to the Great King himself. If upon inspection the Great King finds the wife of the Crown Prince to be unsatisfactory, then the Crown Prince will loose his inheritance. If the Great King finds the wife of the Crown Prince to be satisfactory, then the Crown Prince will inherit the kingdom."
"My father is dying?"
"Um," says the young man, "Yes, the Great King might be dead already. When I left, the Great King couphed up more blood than any mortal man has, or that's what I heard from the good doctor." His composer is fading.
"Tarnations," I mutter under my breath, "I have niether wives nor concubines."
"I have noticed that, my lord. But, could you please spare the life of your humble servant? I wish no ill will upon you or your house."
"No ill will will given," I reply.
The man nods and mounts his horse. He spurs his horse and rides away quickly. Dust and sand flies in the air behind him. I look to the sky and see the sun beating down upon me without mercy. I silently curse Gunes.
I say to Achish, "I cannot defy the wishes of my father without being declared a heretic, yet I cannot let my men be left without their leader. Savas wishes for me to lead them in three days time, but our Lord the King must have me near immediately. Oh, why has fate placed me to defy a god?"
And Achish answer me saying, "This is your burden, my lord, that you must make this decision. I am merely your subordinate."
Why?" I lament, "Oh, the battlefield is without the bickering of gods. Only Savas has his sway, but now my father wishes for me to leave. I will loose favor in Savas' eyes and never again will I be a warrior lest I die!"
But Achish notes, "You will lay down your sword to pick up the scepter. My lord, you have done great works for your army already. The men wish to return to their wives and households, but they wish to return after they have completed their duty to you."
"Achish," I reply, "Your words are like those of a thousand priests to my ears. Perhaps Bigelik Herself has imparted divine wisdom upon my soul through your words, yet I now know what I should do. I only wish that Savas would allow for me to attack now. Then, my problems would have been out of my mind."
Are my words mega-crud that demanding to ditch this style or should I continue? It's at least fun to write in this way. :)
Personally, it's always annoyed me when authors writing fantasy feel a need to forgo modern language and use old timey speech. I mean, obviously in a fantasy world they wouldn't even be speaking English, so it's clear the text is translated anyway, so why are you translating the language to stupid Shakespearian drivel rather than something I can understand properly? Personally, other than perhaps exchanging modern idioms and that for more appropriate one's, I think using normal language works fine. Doing it the other way seems only set to appease idiots who think that Fantasy elves shouldn't talk in a way that's easily understood.
Anyhow, good work, best of luck.
That's what I'm worried about. I did not intend to have such peculiar language, but it just sort of came out. I decided to run with it to see what happens. If other do not life it as well, it looks like I'll have some extra editing to do. :)
Thanks for your feedback!
My typing is sloppy. :)
Thank you so much for your feedback!
1. Good point.
2. I just read parts of the Iliad before writing this. It bled through apparently. I should definitely fix that.
3. Malk was a bit of an inspiration for that decision, but the king is going to be revealed to be bonkers like a igeneration kid who eats a Tide Pod. This should appear less jarring to the reader however.
4. Right now, I can write about 3x faster (2k an hour) using this form of dialogue for some reason. I'll come back through and make the wood bend to my will for its readability. Advice where both Steve and you totally agree is advice totally worth heeding to.
5. That priest currently has no further uses, but I'm trying to figure out how Achish can become less flat. I actually do have a personality for him, but I'm finding it difficult to express. (He's a mixture between Robin and Grima Wormtongue to overly simplify). Other messengers will be murdered in specific paths of the storyline, but this'll be a red herring for now. I'll fix it if I have time before the deadline. I'll also put in description.
Hopefully, I can find a happy medium between formal (stiff as heck) language and normal ones. I'll be experimenting around to say the lease. It'll be amazing to say the most.
Wait, did you just call me a tide pod eater
EDIT: sorry im having a hard time comprehending because of all the tide pods i ate earlier
No, I honestly did not. You were inspirational in terms of Darius not the "Great King".
Funny enough, for a brief period of time Malk was actually toying with the idea of eating a Tide Pod just to see what it would be like.
While I have not changed the dialogue style yet (which I will do last to ensure overall consistency), I did slit the beginning in two.
Along with addressing the grammar or logical errors, Ashich has a bit more personality and is given a (small) backstory. For example, I now have this (in its still wooden dialogue which I'm still debating on the best manner of fixing it).
"Speak freely," I say.
"Your father is possessed by a demon, or he wishes to keep your from your throne," Ashich says.
"Yes, I find your words to be true. Words of his slow death are sweet to my ears, but his final order pains me greatly. You have ascended from the rank of slave by my hand, for your whit and understanding are blessed by the gods. Please, what advice do you have to give?"
"You cannot defy our so-called 'great king' and keep the throne. Thus, you must either present a wife to the king or flee. If you flee, then I will kill you and reap the rewards. Oh noble Darius, you are wise, yet you are a fool. You sink your blade into the flesh of men. Now, your father wishes for you to have a wife to qualm your desire. Would it not be better if you had taken one as I had said?"
I don't know if it would be better to just post all of it though.
Noted. I'll see what I can do.
I'll fix the grammar before publishing. It's amazing how bad I am when I don't pre-edit.
I honestly like this style. Sure there are a few typos but if it feels right just do it. It fits the mood of the story any ways, and it is refreshing to see something a little different.
Yes, I do greatly enjoy the style, so it will in some way be intact by the time I publish. Right now, I'll have to make it more readable. It's quite clunky and the characters are tragically flat right now.
I'm with Corgi on this one; I like the style. However, as you say, it's a rather clunky rendering of that particular style. If you're alone while writing, try speaking your dialogue lines to see how they flow off the tongue. Of course, I'm the last person to give dialogue advice, since that's not my strong suit.
Either way, the story itself sounds interesting, but most things are a bit clunky on a first writing. Just take all advice into consideration, regardless of the tone of that advice. If it helps your story, keep it. If it doesn't help it, discard it. But always be willing to consider that a work needs improvement. :)
Glad to see Wibbons is posting some of what he’s planning to write because now I can just dismiss it immediately as boring shit that I’ll just be clicking through, assuming he even manages to finish it anyway.
Just wait until Darius becomes a fat bastard with a harem of concubines if you choose that path. ;)
Anway, I can still win... by default.
Nah, my idea come more from King Solomon that from Digit.
I feel flattered
Despite my extremely large workload and school load, I'm still moving along. I also know that I cannot write good love scenes, so I went in a different direction. It still fits in with the style and narrative though.
I've also been trying to improve the wording and description. It's heading on the right direction.
Well, I hope that title grabbed your attention. So, I'm right now in the "protagonist goes sex crazy" section. Essentially, he'll have a harem, but that's boring. Is there anything you want in there that'll be different to make his descent into erotic yet empty bliss more interesting?
1. Nothing underage. I don't care if 12 was a normal marriageable age in old times. I am not Chanbot, and I enjoy morality and not being evil.
2. Nothing with his mother or father. They'll be dead by this point.
3. Nothing else that'll make the mods unhappy.
4. No magic creatures. There's none in this place.
I have some ideas, but I thought this'll (hopefully) generate more interest.
I don't see how that's all too interesting, but okay.
Being tied to a cross, dressed as Jesus Christ, and sucked off by someone dressed as Judas Iscariot
Jesus and Judas are not in this universe, so I don't see how I could incorporate that effectively. Plus, my protagonist is a king, so he wouldn't be into the submissive side of things. idk, I don't know if I could incorporate this without it seeming highly out of place for my world (a desert hybrid between Persian, Greek, and Jewish ancient stories).
Chopping up prisoners of war and jerking off into their remains while his royal guard watches but can't say anything
What the fuck's gone on with Wibbons that they've gone from little Catholic School Girl to asking about weird fetish shit. Oh, speaking of, literal shit eating and piss drinking is pretty popular, add that.
I should have specified that your comments shouldn't count. I'll... see what I can do.
Also, I'm not Catholic nor have I ever said I was.
Yeah, but Catholics are the kind of depraved faggots who don't let themselves fuck anything and then need to bang little boys.
Anyhow, I don't see why my comment doesn't count. What are you looking for here? Besides normal fucking, and then orgies, it seems the next stage is shit and piss. Piss by itself is an insanely popular thing.
For some reason, I didn't expect that. However, knowing you, you would've surely chosen something I wouldn't have expected. :)
Didn't expect what, that piss is popular? Because it is, and clearly that's the next step after group stuff. That, or like hardcore Marquis de la Sade BDSM, but that shit's far more horrifying than pissing or shitting on someone. Hell, that stuff includes shitting and pissing, so nevermind.
Oh, and Mizal's rights, bugs would also be interesting.
Yea, pretty much.
Well, I was thinking about doing something like this anyway.
Intense hand holding obviously.
That's sort of another path already. :)
Make a part where you just fall in love with drawings on paper. The 2D fetish will get you the weeb vote.
Oh, Narcissus. I don't know if that could fit into the story, but I like that idea. I'll see if I can do it.
I know who he is. I was more referring to why you would mention Narcissus here.
You said the protagonist should fall in love with images. Narcissus fell in love with an image of himself. I saw the connection for some reason.
I've been reading classical literate lately.
Ah. I see now. Speaking of that, that might be a not half bad fetish to implement either. A mirror image of the MC’s self. Screwed up obviously, implementable.
Some wanker who apparently was super vain, but never actually looked at himself to verify this until when he was shown a reflection, at which point he didn't even recognize the beauty he saw despite him loving it about himself, and dying.
Also, it looks like that almost the entire villain lair has come to give their ideas. :)
Marquis de Sade was wealthy French nobility lol
I probably am, but this's at least generating some interest (hopefully).
Can't go wrong with midgets. A whole lot of midgets.
All of them wearing funny little costumes and make up.
Oh I got it!
Dude watches midget girls dressed in his dead mother's clothing eating buckets of worms.
Then they all vomit and shit on him and he jerks off the whole time.
...Dear God, erase that image from my mind. That might be too fetishy to reasonably fit into the story. I'll put it in there if it could fit, but that's something that probably won't work.
Why midgets? I'll also have to make them 18 or older.
EDIT: I suppose I'll have to reap what I have sown.
Because midgets are fun that's why!
And of course make them over 18, we want a wholesome family story here.
What's wrong with midgets? There's a lot of sexy midgets, it's not like just because of their stature it's impossible to be attracted to them, you ableist bitch.
Nothing is wrong with midgets and I know there's an odd midget fetish, but I was wondering why EM wanted me to incorporate midgets.
Pfffh, that sounds like backpedaling at your disgust of midgets.
Well it would have been too obvious if I said "Have one of the harem girls turn out to be his long lost sister or some other relative."
Went the midget route this time, but feel free to also do the above as well.
In fact combine the two if possible.
You seem to be having fun with this. I was planning on having him knowingly put a bunch of his half-sisters into his harem anyway.
Well, look who just might have moved up in this contest!
It's just one of two/three paths. One is wholesome hand-holding, but I may have to shorten it for time's sake. The second is going to be short regardless. This last one will have the most into it I suppose if my outline works out.
No furries actually. I don't have mythical creatures in this world.
I do have normal paths as well, but I wanted his path into depravity to be quite "out there". I figured the community could easily supply ideas. :)
I don't think I'd want Ryder attracted to my storygames.
I'm about to finish the "evil" path where Darius does sexually immoral stuff. I'm being careful to ensure that it won't cross any lines. So far, to please EM, I have:
1. Midgets in funny costumes
2. "Yes, except for three who tried to poison our Great King. He made them wear the clothes of an executed woman and eat worms. They thus emptied their food onto the floors through their mouth, and such things greatly excited our Great King. They then departed for their homelands."
3. Malk's knife request (on a step-sister and with the help of another wife!)
Things I have planned out but not put into words:
B. Maybe Narcisus (time restraint)
C. Malk's requested necrophilia (told in past tense)
D. Steve's requests (though I might have to opt out due to time)
I. The goody-two-shoes path is close to completion. Chances are I'll have it done in time.
II. The "neutral" path: It'll be hard to fit.
General Update: ~15,000 words
I completed the evil path. I also completed the neutral path (that I nicknamed Esther), though it's more of a (shorter) branch off of the evil path before the degeneracy starts. The good
Things I have included now:
B. Reference to being "excited" and "taking pleasure" from images (Ebon) involving animals and people... :)
C. Malk's requested necrophilia (told in past tense)
D. Steve's requests were partially complete. It was referred too, though I have nothing with bugs.
I. The goody-two-shoes path is close to completion. The only things left is my (extensive) editing and filling out this path as far as I can take it.
Will I win by using NKJV language with paths that lead to everything from ripped off Bible passages, middle schooler's romance novels, and the most degeneracy that my good-two-shoes self could muster? Will Mizal ever write something? Will Ebon catch up? Will anybody else even submit? Only time will tell for End Master's Romance Contest!