Now if you’re a Villain Lair inhabitant, you already know I’ve been toying with this story idea for awhile. Don’t know when or if it’ll be finished, but I’m getting a lot of ideas. I feel like I need to write something less serious (And a whole lot shorter) and this seems like a fun subject/topic.
As you might already be able to tell, it’s about that group of poor oppressed dudes that can’t get laid so they sit around on the internet and bitch about it, say a bunch of shit about women not liking them, until they suicide by cop, or suicide by belt.
Now of course this is low hanging fruit, but so are furries and other deviants, and these dudes already think they’re subhuman scum (And they are) so who gives a shit because it’s still funny.
The greater writing challenge will probably be not to repeat what was already in Tales From the Basement, specifically Anime Addict since that focused on a “loser” character as well. However, I think there’s a difference between that character and the protagonist I’ve got in mind for this story and that’s the whole bitter/anger/hate thing.
The anime addict for instance was sort of content being a fucking anime freak and it was only his mom that was causing him to go out into the real world (when hilarity ensued). He didn’t really have the bitter hate. For the most part he doesn’t even descend into “I’m a big fat loser but why don’t these girls fuck me WAAH!”
Now while it would be easy to just start the incel off going on about how he’s going to “kill all these bitches and rape their corpses”, I sort of need to do more than that for a longer story (though not too long). I need to do the whole downward spiral.
So, he won’t start off as a completely bitter black pill swallower. He’ll just start off as a “nice guy.”
From there, the story will unfold.
And who knows, maybe in certain paths he’ll manage to avoid becoming a SUPREME GENTLEMAN and just become a plain old sexist that pays for whores!
Get ready to become a supreme gentleman because it’s all over!
Life is so cruel.
You have no girlfriend. You’re twenty two years old and you’re still a virgin.
You’ve tried everything you can think of to get girls to like you, but it’s no use. They just won’t return your love, no matter how nice you’ve been. You just don’t understand it.
While everyone else your age is going out and having fun, it looks like another lonely night for you.
It’s not fair.
Still, you suppose there’s still a chance. Maybe there’s a chance that there is a girl out there for you just aching for you to give her your love.
Maybe there’s still HOPE.
In the meantime you decide to take your mind off of your situation by spending time on the Internet writing on your blog mostly going on about how you don’t understand why girls don’t like you and how it’s not fair how you keep failing.
After writing, you decide to watch a movie, but not the usual porn that you usually watch on nights like this. Instead you watch an old science fiction movie called The Grid. You always heard how good it was supposed to be.
Well, the female lead could have been a lot prettier, but what really caught your attention was one of the major concepts in the movie involving the protagonist.
At one point the hero of the movie gets the choice to eat a blue gumdrop or a red one. The blue gumdrop allows him to go back “to sleep” and back to his boring life.
However, the red gumdrop allows him to see THE TRUTH. Naturally he eats the red one, becomes a badass, shoots a bunch of people and fucks the girl in the end.
Oh how you wish YOU could do that.
Still mildly intrigued by the movie and wanting to keep your mind off of your crushing loneliness, you do some more searching online about it since there were sequels you still haven’t seen.
After a few hours, you soon learn that the sequels were shit and should be avoided at all cost, but instead you find more information about the concept of colored gumdrops.
Apparently large communities have taken the lessons from this movie and applied them to real life especially when it comes to difficulties with the opposite sex.
In fact right now you can order yourself a big bag of these mind-enhancing gumdrops with the guarantee that THE TRUTH will set you free of your torment.
Desperate for ANYTHING that might change your fortune with the ladies, you immediately order a bag of red gumdrops!
Looking forward to this potential life-changing item, you finish off the night by going to your favorite porn site and satisfy your urges. Of course as always, you don’t feel too much better.
Because you just know if you knew any of these ladies in real life, you could be so nice to them and they wouldn’t have to suck dick for a living. You could take care of them and they could just suck yours.
You go to sleep alone as usual.
You’re getting really sick of this shit.
There’s been this pretty girl in your class and you’ve been nice to her the WHOLE semester such as opening the door for her, tipping your trilby to her, and even letting her use your notes because she’s skipping the lectures.
You just gave her a new set of notes and she barely even said thank you this time!
She’s probably busy fucking her six foot five boyfriend’s huge cock. Why should animals like that get affection while a gentleman like you gets nothing?
You get home ready to take your anger out by doing some serious fapping, however when you get to the door of your apartment, you notice a small package in front.
It’s your gumdrops!
Briefly snapping out of your virgin funk, you grab the box, take it inside and open it.
Inside there is a small note accompanying the black bag of gumdrops.
Eat heartily brother and all will be revealed.
Friend. Nobody has ever called you that before! Excitedly, you open up the bag of gumdrops ready to discover the truth!
No sooner have you opened up the bag, you find that the gumdrops are not in fact red, or rather not all of them are.
You pour them out on a nearby table and find that you’ve been given a mixed bag of gumdrops. Some are red, some are blue, a few are white, a couple are rainbow colored and there’s even a black one.
What the fuck? Did they send you a sampler or something? You didn’t order this!
Friend your ass, they couldn’t get your order right! You look forward to something and get kicked in the face for your trouble. You don’t even know why you ordered them.
They fucking based a whole philosophy around a flashy 90s movie that was mediocre at best and didn’t even come out with any good sequels.
And you buying into the whole gumdrop shit was a retarded desperate grasp at HOPE that somehow you were going to get laid just by buying them.
Desperate and retarded. Story of your goddamn life.
You’d try to mail them back, but there were no refunds and they weren’t much anyway.
Well you’re stuck with them now. You might as well eat a few. You have mostly red and blue ones, so you figure you’ll start with them first.
Now you bought the red ones to begin with, so you feel like you should try those first. Still, blue colored candies always seem to taste better, so maybe you’ll just go for those first.
Eat the blue gumdrop
Eat the red gumdrop
Working on part of the “Blue gumdrop” path which still makes you optimistic enough to not go full black gumdrop. (Yet!)
Writing is one of the options to refocus your pent up "energy."
You might as well try. It’ll probably keep your mind off of things.
You look around for suitable writing sites, but you just can’t make up your mind.
An hour passes and you still haven’t settled down to a site yet, you’re almost about to give up and go look at porn, but then you stumble on some writing sites dedicated to CYOAs. You remember looking through a few of these types of things before and you thought they were cool due to all the wacky directions they could go.
You then think, that “Hey, I’m a deep and creative guy, maybe I could do something like that and then maybe girls will be so impressed with my skills that they’ll fall in love with me!”
This…overly optimistic delusion aside, you’re at least still focusing your energy in a positive way.
After some searching, you find three possible candidates to make your mark.
The first one is Pick Equality Games (PEG). Their stories seem to focus a lot on diversity and they seem to really value the concept. Though they seem to have some restrictions as well. You’re not really used to restrictions since you’re often just pouring every thought you have in your blog, but maybe you could work within them.
You certainly could use a welcoming inclusive community though, seeing as you have no friends. Maybe you could make some friends there and find yourself a cute girl that will love your writing and then fall in love with you!
The second one is Endless Stories (ES). There seems to be no limit on what you can write there. Which might be good since if you’re going to try this writing thing, you’d rather have as much freedom as possible.
The problem is, there is virtually no community there. You suppose you could hope your writing attracts enough attention that some cute girl PMs you and tells you how great your writing is and falls in love with you!
Finally there is Select Your Story (SYS). This one seems to be in the middle as far as what writing restrictions are, but still pretty reasonable. It also has a fairly active community that talks about a wide variety of topics.
It would appear at first glance that the community consists of a lot of social outcasts just like you. You have a lot of experience with knowing what it feels like being an outcast so maybe you’ll fit in well there. And maybe you’ll meet a cute girl who understands your pain and loneliness and falls in love with you!
You just know that things are looking up!
Pick Equality Games
Select Your Story
This amused me way too much not to share early.
NoblePaladin: So hey I think you should make a male love interest for your game.
SufferingSappho: What do you mean? There is a male romance option, Kelly.
NoblePaladin: But I mean a real male romance option.
SufferingSappho: I don’t understand. Kelly is a real option, I’ve got an ending where you can wind up with him, it’s just hard to get to.
NoblePaladin: That’s not what I mean. I mean didn’t Kelly used to be a girl?
SufferingSappho: He was born as female and?
NoblePaladin: Well that’s not a real dude, I was suggesting a proper male romance. Maybe make the guy a paladin who is very nice to the protagonist a lot.
SufferingSappho: Rude! Kelly identifies a male! He’s a man and you implying that he isn’t a real man is a very bigoted point of view!
NoblePaladin: Okay, okay my apologies. I’m still learning. But anyway I still think you should make another male love interest, it would make the story more diverse!
SufferingSappho: No, making a boring CIS straight white guy as a love interest doesn’t appeal to me. I’d just be contributing to the patriarchy and actually making it LESS diverse by doing so since there are already many games that allow such an option.
SexyNight: Hey do you think you could also include a romance option for Shades? I think that would be very inclusive, as I don’t sexually identify as anything that casts a shadow and would love to finally see a character like that!
NoblePaladin: But I don’t understand. You took RivetingRosie’s suggestion about having a bisexual catgirl as a love interest into consideration and she wasn’t even nice like I’ve been.
SufferingSappho: Look, I’m not making what you’re asking. There are plenty of examples of what you’re asking for elsewhere. Consider yourself privileged that you have so many options.
NoblePaladin: But I’m not privileged. Look, I’m just saying I’ve been very nice to you and have “liked” every post of yours. All 5000 of them and even the ones I didn’t really agree with. The least you could do is be nice to me back.
SufferingSappho: What? Just because you’ve been nice doesn’t give you the right to expect something from me! In fact your last PM to me was sort of creepy when you told me how sexy I looked from my avatar.
NoblePaladin: Well if you didn’t want people to comment, you shouldn’t have posted a picture of yourself.
SufferingSappho: Wow. And I bet you think if a girl wears a short skirt and walks in a dark alley she’s asking for it huh? You’ve really shown your true colors here today. You’re a fucking misogynist.
The5thGender: Can the mods ban this rape loving shitlord already? I come here to get away from CIS scum like him. I need to disengage from this thread now. I’m getting flashbacks of when my uncle touched me.
HappyCuck: You’re into rape? That’s fucked up dude. Guys like you make me ashamed to be a man.
NoblePaladin: No! I’m not into rape! I was just saying that I don’t see why my request is being ignored when Sappho is listening to everyone else!
SufferingSappho: Maybe because I don’t listen to misogynistic bigots like yourself.
NoblePaladin: For fuck’s sake I’m not a goddamn bigot! You’re being an unreasonable bitch about all this when I’ve done nothing but be nice! IT'S NOT FAIR!
SocialJustice4All: Alright, I’m getting several PMs and red flags about this thread. Many people are getting very upset and not feeling safe so I’m locking it until further notice.
In the meantime Paladin has been banned for 300 years for misogyny, transphobia, general bigotry and supporting rape.
Nope, haven't forgotten this.
After many strange looks, verbal commands of you to leave them alone and outright threats to call campus security, your suspicions turn out to be true and some pasty, greasy haired nerd confirms your search.
“Oh yeah, they got a prototype of some old sexbot in the basement of the engineering building. Something that’s been worked on since the eighties. Every once in awhile new people tinker with it as a goof, but not much gets accomplished.“ he says.
“Does it work?” you ask.
“I guess? I dunno. It’s still so buggy and filled with such a mishmash of old and new hardware I don’t think anyone has actually ever had sex with it. Plus it’s been around so long, it’s more of a hidden mascot than anything else.”
“And that’s the only one? Nobody working on anything newer?”
“Not in this piece of shit university they aren’t. Not like this place attracts the top engineering types. I imagine most are just beating their meat to fembot porn like the rest rather than paving the way for a better future.”
“So, is it easy to access this bot?”
At this point the random nerd that you’ve been speaking to (You don’t even know his name) starts giving you some of those strange looks you’re used to.
“Wait…you’re not thinking about fucking that thing are you?” he asks.
“Why? Do you have a claim on it?” you ask.
“Heh, no. I mean like I said, it’s more of an embarrassing not so well kept secret rather than a genuine fuckbot. There is nothing remotely attractive looking about it. Well I mean someone in the late nineties finally put some synthetic hair on its head and it’s got a face that doesn’t just resemble a robotic skeleton, but can’t say that even as horny as I get sometimes, I’d go fuck it.”
“Yeah well my options are limited, I’ve tried being nice to real girls and they don’t want my affection. It’s not fair.”
“Hmmm, you a member of Forever Nice Dudes?”
“Sorta, but I don’t really find it helpful to talk to people failing the same way I am.”
“Well I hear ya there. Used to be a member myself, nearly got into all that blue gumdrop-red gumdrop shit as well. However, I soon realized that I was going about this the wrong way.”
“Oh?” you ask a bit intrigued.
The nerd looks around to make sure nobody else is listening and then speaks.
“I realized that, getting pissed and bitter about women turning you down is a path to ruin and that there are ALWAYS other alternatives.” He says with an excited glint in his eye.
“Uh, I’m not gay dude.” You say backing off.
“What?! This ain’t about no faggotry! I’m talking about getting some REAL pussy, not some artificial shit or your hand!”
“Even if I had the money, I’m not hiring a dirty whore. I’m better than that.” You sniff.
“Not talking about whores either. Tell me, you ever been to the mortuary science building on campus?”
“Can’t say I have.”
“Then you’ve been missing out. The place has a whole cold storage filled with fresh corpses. And some of them are not the traditional old dead fucks from natural causes situation. Some of them are about our age and still look as beautiful as the day they died…perhaps even more so…”
Okay, you can’t say you don’t have your problems, and sure your recent robogirl fetish probably isn’t healthy, but fucking corpses isn’t something you’ve ever considered. The necrophile nerd is now sensing your discomfort.
“Now wait, before you shoot this down, just hear me out. Guys like us are NEVER going to get that perfect ten. Shit, we can’t even get the five. Life isn’t fair, but there are always loop holes around the rules. If she’s dead, I can get that perfect ten and it’s not rape.”
“Um, I’m not sure about that.”
“A corpse is considered property, it’s not a living being anymore, it’s a thing. It’s inanimate. It’s just meat. I mean if I shove my dick in a compost heap, I’m not raping that right? At best I’m just a vandal.”
“I suppose, but…”
“Look, I get not wanting to fuck some nasty worm rotting corpse, but these are FRESH corpses and they’re just laying around to either get cut up, put in the ground or worse burned up. Might as well take advantage, who is getting hurt? Nobody!”
“I guess I never thought of it that way before.”
“I mean you’re into robots. Which is cool. Obviously though you’re desiring a sex partner that isn’t going to judge or reject you. And it would be great if there really were some fembots that looked like they do in the scifi movies, but we ain’t there yet. You really want to shove your dick in something that looks more like the Terminator rather than cherry 2000?”
“Look, I’m just saying if you want some real pussy that’s just there for the taking, get yourself down to the mortuary science building. Hell, I can even help you out, not that security is really tight there anyway. It’s really easy to nip in and out of the place.”
You have to say that the nerd has made some sort of sense to you. This might be the only way you’ll ever really get to touch a real woman, let alone have sex with one. Does it really matter if she's dead?
Head to mortuary and crack open a cold one
Just go stick your dick in a toaster and be done with it
I just went through the whole thread and it looks great so far. It's going to be a fun read, can't wait to see it published.
The work always continues. Anyway, something seemed very familiar when writing this section...
You think Select Your Story might be the place for you. There’s enough creative freedom on there for you to write what you want and it’s active enough that you’ll no doubt meet several cute girls that will love your writing.
You sign up and start to think of something to write about. You see that the romance section doesn’t have many stories so you figure you’ll do something like that.
In predictable fashion you make an author insert protagonist and make every choice lead to true love due to behaving in a polite manner towards the various idealized ladies in the story.
You spend a few days on this shitty story and then publish and wait for comments to roll in from female readers saying how much they enjoyed the story and wish they knew a guy like the protagonist and at which point you can say “Your wish has come true m’lady, for I am the one you seek!”
Unfortunately that isn’t what you get:
“Holy shit that was the most fucking cringey thing I’ve read on here in awhile. This story needs a back alley abortion immediately.” - RibbonsofEntrails
“I wish the ratings went into the negative numbers, because that’s what this piece of shit deserves. This cumstain of a story was so fucking retarded that I question how the author even has the mental capacity to type at all.” - ViolentVigilante
“Wow. That was something alright. I guess the only good thing I can say is it wasn’t very long to suffer through.” - StompingYourNeck
“The protagonist is a complete fucking loser, just like the faggot that wrote this story. Lol.” - AztecTentacleRape
And that’s just some of the nicer comments. A lot of them are even meaner. This site really has a troll problem.
Soon you realize that your story isn’t even listed any more. You initially think it’s a glitch due to it being an old site and full of bugs so you republish. Then it isn’t listed again, so you republish again.
Finally, you notice a third time, but this time when you go to republish, you find that your story has completely disappeared and you’ve gotten a negative point penalty for “Posting shitty stories” in your points list.
You put a lot of work into your story! It’s not fair.
Feeling disheartened by all this, you decide to finally engage the forums and ask exactly what is going on.
NoblePaladin: Hey everyone, I’m new here and I was just wondering what happened to my story. It kept getting unpublished and now it’s completely gone.
SightlessEvil: What was it called? If it’s gone, then one of the admins probably deleted it.
NoblePaladin: It was called “Nice Guys Finish First” and I certainly hope it wasn’t deleted! I worked hard on that story!
SightlessEvil: Oh that was yours? I read that and if you worked as hard as you say you did, then I hate to see what you would have written if you hadn’t. Anyway, yeah your shitty story was probably deleted. I suggest you go back read some of the better stories on this site to get an idea of how to write.
NoblePaladin: Deleted?! I wasn’t even given a warning! It’s not fair!
SightlessEvil: Was it unpublished?
NoblePaladin: Yeah, twice.
SightlessEvil: That was your warning. Fuck you if you can’t keep up.
HoundofHell: Lol. Yeah I read that story and it fucking sucked more dick than FED’s mom.
FarEastDevil: Fuck off HoH. But yeah the story sucked a lot.
NoblePaladin: Look I know my story might not have been the best, but I don’t think it deserved to be trashed like that! I wrote an uplifting story about finding true love!
mizztress: True love? Lol. You wrote a bunch of fucking clichéd shit and not even in an entertaining way. It was just the protagonist going around being a white knighting bitch to a bunch of vapid one-dimensional bimbos that only exist in the lowest forms of entertainment. You don’t know shit about writing, let alone writing romance.
Even though you’re getting mass attacked, you notice that the last poster has a female sounding handle. You calm yourself and decide to engage her more directly. Perhaps she has more insight on this and you can accommodate her.
NoblePaladin: Okay, maybe you’re right. Do you have any advice that could make me write in such a way that would be better?
BloodyRose: Got a belt? ^_^
NoblePaladin: A belt?
InsectDemon: Yeah, to hang yourself with obviously. Geez you’re retarded.
NoblePaladin: Why the hell is everyone so mean on this forum? I want to talk to girl with the dark elf avatar again. She at least provided some constructive criticism and I need a female perspective on my writing anyway.
HoundofHell: Hey dumbass, I know it’s hard to tell on the internet, but besides FED and myself, everyone that’s posted in this thread so far HAS been female and they’ve all told you that you sucked.
WickedWitchly: Here’s another female opinion, your story was shit.
NoblePaladin: Fine, but I still don’t see why I didn’t get a proper warning about my story before it got deleted. This isn’t a way to run a site.
mizztress: Well you’re free to go elsewhere if your fee fees are hurt. I hear PEG really likes overly sensitive faggots like you.
NoblePaladin: My “fee fees” aren’t hurt, I’m just getting agitated, because I’m trying to pour out my heart and soul into something and I shouldn’t be getting slammed for that.
TheSerpent666: Fucking hell you’re a faggot and your logic makes you a retarded cunt. Just because you poured your heart and soul into something doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to get shit on if it sucks. I’m sure Hitler poured his heart and soul into Mein Kampf too, doesn’t mean we should praise it.
NoblePaladin: Wait, what? Are you seriously comparing me to Hitler?
TheSerpent666: No you dopey faggot, I’m using an example of why shit shouldn’t just be automatically praised because someone worked hard on it. If you weren’t such a retarded cunt you would have realized that.
NoblePaladin: You know what, I’ve tried being nice, but FUCK YOU. I’m not putting up with your abuse. You’re probably some 30 year old living in his mom’s basement.
TheSerpent666: Oh how original, the 30 year old basement dweller accusation. With that sort of creativity that explains why your story sucked so hard. But for the record, I have several friends, a good life and living much better than you seem to be.
SightlessEvil: You know, the one who probably deleted your story was TheEnd, you probably should contact him directly. I’m sure if you explain your situation he’ll understand and be able to retrieve it for you. You’ll have to call him three times though.
InsectDemon: Be sure to use the @ before his name.
NoblePaladin: @TheEnd @TheEnd @TheEnd
SightlessEvil: Should be coming soon. :)
At this point you type up a long message about your story and what you were trying to achieve with it. You go into great detail about how you believe the story should be on the site as a guide of how to treat women and how you nearly put it in the edutainment section instead of romance.
You feel like your long-winded defense of your story will surely win over the forum and your views on how women should be treated will surely appeal to the females on here and they will re-evaluate their views on you in a more favorable light.
Then you press the button to post your message and that’s when you get instantly logged out. You don’t know what’s happening at first and you’ve just lost everything you wrote!
You try to log in again and you get logged back out when you try to do anything else. You then realize what has happened when you go back to your original thread.
TheEnd: You’d think some of these fucktards would lurk enough on the forums before falling for that trick. Though given that he wasn’t a learning animal and shitty writer anyway, nothing of value was lost.
You've captured the essence of CYS SYS perfectly. I could not stop laughing through the whole thing.
Who are HoundofHell and FarEastDevil supposed to be? I think I know who everyone else is.
Edit: Oh, duh. Corgi.
FED is coins.
Not even the flames of internet site wars can stop progress!
Fighting the SYStem
KittyJockey: Hey, I’ve been noticing you and your persistence. I admire that. This place is a pox on the Internet, run by corrupt admins and needs to be taken down. I believe that you can help in this endeavor.
GoodPaladin27: What do you mean?
KittyJockey: I am no noob. I’ve been here lurking for years and dedicated my life to taking down this wretched website. I’ve come close many times, but I believe I would succeed if I could gather enough help. I can fill you in on the details, if you agree to assist.
At this point you aren’t sure of what to make of all this. You proceed to explain why you originally came to the site in the first place to KJ who answers you.
KittyJockey: I see. Well I suppose I could help you, if you help me bring down SYS first.
GoodPaladin27: I dunno. I mean what you’re proposing seems illegal and you haven’t even explained it yet.
KittyJockey: SYS is a scumpit that MUST be destroyed. The risk is minimal to you and my help with your female problems will solve that issue as well. All I need you to do is post some pictures on their forums, which I will provide for you. It’s mainly a distraction while I hack their site.
GoodPaladin27: I just really don’t know about that.
KittyJockey: Well I suppose I understand if you don’t want to, but despite your reluctance, I’m still willing to help you because I still respect your persistence, tell me do you own a cat?
GoodPaladin27: A cat?
KittyJockey: Yeah, it’s literally the best type of pussy you can ever get. Seriously. Why bother trying to impress the girls on this horrible site when you can just fuck a cat?
KittyJockey then proceeds to go into great detail about this and the benefits of doing so. The disturbing part is he’s actually convincing enough that you’re considering it. After all, it counts right?
Maybe getting yourself a pet cat that would unconditionally love you IS the solution to your problems...
"I'm no noob. I've been here lurking for years..."
that and the cat part are hilarious lol