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Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

22 days ago
As word of the Christmas Eve battle spread, the crowds began to gather all flushed with holiday cheer, and only some of it in liquid form. The arena had been adorned for the occasion with holly, tinsel, and lights...or that had been the plan anyway. What had actually happened was the people who had promised to decorate had waited until four hours before midnight on the 23rd, then decked only about a third of the area with holly--though there were extensive outlines indicating where the lights and tinsel were supposed to have gone. "Apologies for the mess. We'll expand it later," the signs promised, but this being Cystia everyone knew they were just itching to rip it all down and stuff it in a garbage bin at 12:01 on the 26th. Bells jingling, Liminal and Wildblue pulled up in their sleighs promptly on time however, dressed in glittering holiday finery and carrying swords carved of ice while fireworks exploded on entrance. They looked ready to fight an incredible battle that would be the talk of the kingdom the entire next year. Several hours later, Mizal had managed to walk to the microphone. The swords had sadly melted, but the two still promised a grand fight to those in the audience still awake. "And here's Liminal and Wildblue! Their prompt: Foray into the forsaken lands."

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

22 days ago
Story A Mists and Lies Captain Stegerios paused his horse on a rocky ridge and looked back over the columns of mounted soldiers, trying to quell his doubt and uncertainty. Just two weeks ago he had been simply Josef, a regular soldier in the Royal Army, and then suddenly a hero who had captured an orc fortress when the battle had seemed lost. Receiving promotion the next day, he'd been swiftly sent on a new mission: recapture the forsaken Orsair Fortress in the Silent Lands. It was the kind of "honor" no other officer had seemed to want, and he had seen it in his thier eyes, they already considered him doomed. Since the fogs consumed the valley, the first expedition to reclaim in ten years ago had ended with the men twisted by magic into abominations that slew nearly all of the second expedition, while the third and fourth had vanished without a trace. "Fifth time's the charm," he'd heard his own men joke nervously to each other. It was a fear they all felt, but as captain he had to keep it in check again and again and project confidence. But now that the valley lay before them, he felt absolutely none, his mind turning constantly to the unknown creatures and forbidden magic that lurked hidden in its depths. Josef called for the soldiers to make camp. "We'll enter the valley early and travel swiftly so we can reach the fortress before nightfall." He went about sending out patrols and assigning guards, all the usual things, trying to distract himself with a sensible routine. All around the men went about their work, not talking or laughing as they usually did, and when they spoke at all it was in hushed whispers. Finally he could take it no longer. "Say something!" he rasped, "We're not in the Silent Lands yet! Let's have some games, some music!" Tomas, his nephew, whose job it was to feed the horses, took out his flute and begin to play a tune that got them all thinking of home. A few singers joined in, the men struggling to put aside their own fears. Tomas had been one of those captured by the orcs: that was what had driven Josef's bravery and enabled him to successfully assault the fortress when all seemed lost, the many innocents he knew would face a terrible fate unless something were done. Had his courage embarrassed those who had written them all off as lost? He suddenly wondered. Could that be the real reason he'd been chosen for this "honor", to dispose of an inconvenient reminder of their own cowardice? He looked out over all the others, some he'd known for years, now possibly chosen to die for this callous reason. Years ago when the fog had first rolled into the valley, the first thing it did was rob the voices of those who breathed it in. Those who remained there too long devolved into beasts. The Silent Lands it was called now. The former commander of the troops at the fortress, a man named Caldoch, reported that the fog had been caused by a wizard in the Royal Army, who had betrayed them and cast a forbidden spell. That commander was now Grand General Caldoch Orsair, leader of the entire Royal Army. His family had built that fortress long ago, it guarded the way to the mountains and the path to the kingdom's further expansion. For years now the King had tried and failed to take it back. "Captain?" He turned to see the leader of one of the scout patrols he'd sent out, and nodded to him. "Yes? Anything to report?" The man looked a little disturbed. "No signs of any danger close by. We found a boulder that the leaders of the previous missions carved their names on though, and some...strange skeletons." "Strange how?" "It's like they were human once, and then...changed." Josef thanked him for the report, and retired to his tent to spend a fitful night, dreaming of dim, twisted shapes in the fog. He tried to run, and when he did found his limbs were heavy and wooden, jerked along on strings like a puppet. Waking suddenly, he found the early morning sunlight peeking in, and heard the others outside preparing themselves to move out. Josef mounted his horse and led them down the broken old road into the valley. Not far ahead they found the boulder the scouts had spoken of, and he solemnly carved his name and the date next to '5th Expedition'. Whether they all survived or not past today or met the fate of the others he knew could be up to him. The fog soon was swirling over their heads in oppressive clouds blocking out the sky, the only light that filtered in having an eerie purple tint. Josef like most of the men wore cloth tied over his face, to try and keep from breathing it in, though it felt like a useless attempt at protection. Everyone knew if any of the men suddenly lost their voices though, it was time to make a hasty retreat. There was more visibility than he expected, though the constant shifting of misty veils over the landscape kept him on edge. Every now and then they passed a crumbling cottage, or a strange, twisted skeleton lying in a ditch. Soon he heard shouts from some of the men, and his fears were confirmed. Dim, grotesque shapes could be seen loping through the fog, more and more soon becoming visible. They kept their distance, too far for an attack, almost herding him and the men towards their destination. The black towers of the old fort were soon visible looming from the mist ahead. Captain Stegerios held up a hand to halt the men, and peered ahead. There, standing in the gate, he made out a lone, hooded figure. His mouth felt dry, but riding forward several feet ahead of the others, he finally found his voice and said with a tone of confidence he didn't feel, "We are here to take this fortress back for the kingdom, stand in our way at your own peril!" The figure only laughed, a hollow, bitter sound. "So it seems Caldoch sent another bunch of pawns. It isn't worth it, boy, turn back. He's already caused enough death in this place, the prideful fool!" "What are you talking about?" Josef demanded. "How do you know the Grand General Orsair?" The figure came forward a few steps, lowering his hood to revealed a scarred face, mottled by old burns, eyebrows and patches of hair singed away. As he moved closer, Josef recognized the cloak he wore, the style of cloak the Royal Wizards had, enchanted to protect from rain and cold and fire. "It's you!" he gasped, dropping a hand to the hilt of his sword. "You were the traitor wizard the Grand General reported!" The man only laughed again. "The Grand General," he said in a mocking tone, "Yes, I knew him, when he was not so grand. And I'm a traitor? He forced me to cast that spell. You've been lied to, boy." Josef felt his mind whirling as he struggled to make sense of this. "What? No, that can't be right. Orsair would never betray the kingdom, you're the one lying!" he protested harshly. "Listen here, I'm telling you the truth. The orcs had us surrounded--he had burned their villages, they had nothing left to lose. Caldoch took an ancient book from the family tomb, and I warned him of the dangers, but he insisted I cast the spell. Neither of us knew what it would do until it was too late of course. But afterwards he tried to burn the book, destroy the evidence. I went to stop him, I told him we must both confess what happened and face justice." Josef could only stare in disbelief as the man continued. "Caldoch, he pushed me in the fire and fled. Only my enchanted cloak saved me, and most of the book. Though we were both a little singed as you can see. You've barely been able to look away from these scars since you arrived, admit it." Josef tore his gaze away, having not even realized he was staring. He swallowed hard and tried to think of a course of action. "If you have accusations to make against the general, you should've taken it to the royal court! But you've fought the King's army here haven't you? It's you who destroyed the previous expeditions?" "I've learned a few things from what was left of the book," the man admitted. "And my family was well off, they had me trained in magic from a young age. And there are of course, my friends..." He gestured all around, and the captain didn't even have to look to know he meant the creatures who followed you through the fog. "Don't get me wrong, we wish no harm on anyone. But this fortress guards the pass, beyond it the survivors. Not all of them were as twisted by the fog as these. They live their lives there in peace with the orcs who didn't go to war afterwards. I have fully admitted to my part in things, and been chosen to remain here, defending the pass against invaders. And so if you give us no choice, we will destroy you." The silence stretched between the two men, having nothing to do with the fog. "Or," the man suggested, "You can turn around and leave." Josef turned and looked at the creatures on both sides shuffling closer in the fog, and at his frightened soldiers. Men he'd known for years, and many of them he'd risked his life to protect. He had risked himself to save those he cared about, and could he do any differently now? "And how will I make anyone believe this story?" The man just shook his head with a little chuckle. "You won't tell them the truth, it doesn't matter." Josef's eyes narrowed. "Do you think I'm some liar?" "If you leave, it means you're someone smart, someone who cares about your men and that you're good at surviving. There were witnesses to what happened before, and I've told this story to others. They all keep it to themselves in the end...or else someone powerful shuts them up." The man turned then with a shrug and walked back toward the gate as if the conversation had ended, and he didn't have a care in the world. "They'll send others," Josef called after him. "Even if we go back, they'll send more until someone succeeds. This fortress and this valley belong to the kingdom." The man paused then and turned. "Have I told you my name?" "No." "It's Hochal...Hochal Orsair. Caldoch was my little brother. This fortress was our family castle before the kingdom even existed, and I am the rightful heir. Myself and these others, we've suffered enough. We have no king but we're our own people, we're eked out a living here through the darkest times when the fog was thickest and everyone was afraid, with no help from the rest of the kingdom or the so called Grand General. We'll fight to the end to defend our lands and our homes." When they returned, Josef tried to tell the truth, he really did. But the captains, the generals, the royal advisors, they set a document in front of him repeating his statements as a confession of having been swayed by the evil wizard's spell of madness, and looking at each of them in turn he knew what would happen if he refused to sign it. He was afterwards labeled of "unfit mental state", and assigned to a useless post in a far corner of the kingdom. He lay awake the night after that, knowing he had been silenced after all, and it had nothing to do with the fog.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

22 days ago
Story B Wanderers in the Fog ”Out. Get out.” The words are burned into your brain, all you can remember while the harsh winds scold your face. You give your dog a few pats on the back and begin walking out and away. The endless night and darkening clouds greet you while you walk, the safe haven of home getting further and further. The dog follows you, the soft pitter-patter of his footsteps giving him away. Within a few minutes, you sigh, turning to send him home. “Henry, go back.” You chastise, clenching your teeth. Even being built for this weather, you worry about his safety in the ruins. But as you tell Henry to leave, he sits on your old leather boots and rubs his head on your arm with a stubbornness more human than you have seen from your people. Whatever. If he is determined to stay with you, he’d stay with you. You adjust the pack on your shoulders as it digs into your flesh, tap the pistol at your side for reassurance, and continue walking. A low, soft melody drifts toward you on the breeze. Immediately, you turn around and begin walking opposite of it while readjusting your earplugs. The melody grows softer as you walk, and you breathe a sigh of relief when you see Henry, still trotting close behind. Your eyes feel heavy as you wander through collapsed stone structures, and you know eventually you’ll have to find a place to rest. When you come upon a half-standing hut, you know that this is it. It’s the only place for miles with half a functioning roof, and the first few drops of rain steadily approach. Tipping underneath the small door, you find a dry corner with remnants of a bed and set down your pack and holster. Henry immediately walks to it as you collapse beside him. The heat radiating from his fur comforts you a little as you pull out a handwarmer, grateful for the foresight you had while throwing this bag together. Just in case, you always told yourself. You never expected it to actually happen. The odds of being thrown out of the town into the Barrens were minuscule, considering all the hard labor that needed to be done to protect the area from Faders and Wanderers. You had thought the only reason to be thrown out was doing something horrendous, like murder of a young, fit person, but your crime had apparently been ‘much worse.’ You wonder briefly at how sleeping in for three hours was worth being thrown into a wasteland full of certain death, and muse on the ridiculousness of your fragmented society’s regulations. Words like 'home' and 'society' seemed altogether ridiculous to you right now. Home was just as much you sitting with Henry in this decaying shack as it was that falling wooden house on the outskirts of town. Society was just as much the Faders and Wanderers as it was the Elders and Workers. There was no point in building a home anyway if it were to be jeopardized by the radical idea of one person sleeping in once. That was no kind of place to live. Leniency be damned. Resting your head on Henry’s back, you close your eyes, breathing softly. Sleep greets you, for what feels like a moment, as an old friend. The rain begins to fall outside, and the sound relaxes you further, piercing through your earplugs. Footsteps. An echoing screech in the stone half-building you shelter yourself in. Your eyes shoot open, but your body stays still. From the screech, you can tell it is a Fader, and will detect any movement you make. Your gun will not work. The only way out of this situation is to stand still. Henry, a smart, well trained dog, is acutely aware of this as well. Your heartbeats seem to thrive on each other, growing louder with each passing second. Time seems to slow down as you hear the click thud of the Fader’s steady gait. It pauses in front of your shelter, and you halt all movement, even that of your breaths. A part of you prays to a long forgotten god that you will be passed by. A light appears from far away. You hear loud clanging, unlike the noise of the Fader. It turns and begins to run as you hear gunshot after gunshot, and finally, a loud thud. A separate type of footsteps come for you now. Lighter, practiced. Wanderer. You would cuss under your breath if you weren’t still so resigned to not moving, knowing that it still will not save you. Clawed, darkened, unnatural hands grab hold of the entrance door. A face, human-like and yet, so wrong, peeks through the doorway. It points at Henry and tilts its head. A question. Your silence is broken, if from nothing other than nerves. “This is Henry. He decided to come with me.” You’re not sure why you expect an answer, Wanderers are famously mute, but as the strange thing approaches, you sense its curiosity. It pats Henry on the head, and when he responds by sticking his tongue out and wagging his tail, the Wanderer leaps up and down, a smile on its unnerving face. It runs out, dragging back another Wanderer. The second, more apprehensive, approaches Henry and lightly taps him on the head. Henry’s response is to look around, confused, as if he was expecting more attention. He places his head on your lap, looking at you expectantly. You laugh, patting him. For a moment, you almost forget the monsters at the door. The two Wanderers glance at each other and seem to come to a consensus. The apprehensive one gently lifts your 84 pound dog as if he were made of glass, cradling him with all the gentleness of a mother and her child, and the curious one tosses you over their shoulder like a sack of flour. You manage to grab your bag before being dragged off, praying you’re not about to be killed and eaten. The pistol lay forgotten on the stone ground. Ten other Wanderers are gathering up the Fader’s corpse, trying to fit it into a comically small bag for the twenty foot monstrosity. Its bare-bone structure easily crumples in, leaving you astonished. A couple creatures look up curiously at the sight of you, but the others seem unbothered. The only Wanderer not carrying the corpse points out into the Barrens and gestures for all else to follow. The thing carrying you turns to one of its friends and seems to have a full conversation without moving their mouths. You glance over at Henry, who is now fully comfortably snoring in his new captor’s arms as other monsters walk over to pat him, which he enjoys. Traitor. Eventually - and you can’t help it, two minutes of sleep was not going to last - you doze off on your own creature’s shoulder. A light shake causes you to rise from your sleep. You see that you’re in a well lit living room, the couches from a time where fabric was not a luxury. In front of you is a new Wanderer, wearing a grey mask and holding a strange device. Henry sits loyally by your side, as if he wasn’t just cuddling up with a bunch of monsters. “Hello. I am deeply apologetic about taking you without permission. Two of the younger ones gained entertainment from you and thought you could perish out there.” The sound came from the device, mimicking human speech. But something, as always with the Wanderers, was off. Maybe the word choice, or the stilted tone. But something. The Wanderer tilts its head as if waiting for a response. You contemplate, unsure how to respond. “I wasn’t doing very well on my own. That Fader might have gotten me. I thank you.” You hope this will be sufficient for whatever they want from you. The Wanderer considers your answer. “Yes. It was hunting for the joy creature’s scent. It was good that you both stayed still.” You’re still trying to process that she called Henry a joy creature when a familiar looking Wanderer wanders into the room. It’s the curious one, bouncing still up and down at the sight of Henry. You suppose that proves one point or another, but as the kid crosses to Henry, Henry leaps on it and begins nuzzling its warped face. The young creature falls to the ground, kicking its legs with joy. The Wanderer with the device turns to you. “It would bring them much joy for you to both remain here. I know you have been exiled from the place you previously resided in. This could be beneficial. We need a talking thing.” The Wanderer tilts its head again as you hesitate. The decision seemed obvious, who would stay with a group of mutated creatures? But you do consider it. The more you do so, in fact, the more you like the idea. Safety. Food. Care. Finally, you smile at the Wanderer. You can see a new home being built after all.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

22 days ago
Thought it was interesting that the prompt didn't mention fog at all, but both authors just went there for the alliteration it seems. Anyway, you guys got served up with two excellent stories this time, looking forward to seeing how the vote turns out. If we can keep up this quality level going into 2026, holy heck we're going to have a good time.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

20 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/25/2025 8:30:25 PM

I'm in a rather drunken state. So if i missed anything critical to either of your stories, do forgive me. 

Story A: 

I loved story A, for a short story it's rather complete. What i enjoyed most about it is how in-depth the world already is. We have the protagonist whose unsure of the mission to begin with. We have our antagonist (the wizard of the fortress), and hes given surprising depth, the idea of him being a betrayed exile sort of anti-hero with a legitimate claim to the castle added much needed nuance to him as the antagonist. It allowed me as the reader to go "okay, maybe he is right". Overall it was very engaging, and is the sort of short story which if expanded would function as a great standalone story. 

I found the ending to be a bit bleak for my tastes. Id have maybe liked to have seen a bit more grit from the protagonist, or a more forward outlook from him at the end. It seems like he just kind of resigns to being considered crazy, resigning himself to his exile. A bit more spirit or backbone from him would have rounded out his character a bit more, in my opinion. 

Story B: 

Another great story. Depending on how you choose to see it, its still rather dark, like story A but definitely with a bit more of a wholesome flavour to it. I found story B a bit more lacking in terms of world development compared to story A. We dont exactly get a good idea on why these creatures exist, mostly just that they're mute. I'd have enjoyed a bit more fleshing out there for sure. The dog is cute and a much needed supporting cast. Story B conveys so much through the dogs body language, true MVP of the story. My main gripe with story B is that we don't really get to know the world very much, the creatures, our past, and why exactly we're in the circumstances we are is only vaguely touched upon. We also don't really seem to get as much reaction to seeing the 'creatures' as much as id expect, but maybe that impression comes from not understanding the broader world as much yet. 

 

Overall, I vote for story A. It has a more complete antagonist, higher stakes, and more in-depth world-building, which steals it for me. 

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

20 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/26/2025 9:04:09 AM
Oof, another close match. Both these stories are really good and adhere to the prompt very well.

Story A leans into traditional fantasy with the mentions of orcs and wizards. The protagonist has a very strong voice with all his thoughts and suspicions being laid bare for the reader to see. I do feel like this may have been slightly overdone since more than half of the story ended up being introspection. The final reveal of the big bad being the general's elder brother was a twist I did not see coming. I do feel like it could have been foreshadowed a bit better though. Maybe when mentioning the grand general, the author could've mentioned something like him being motivated by the loss of his family. Regardless, it was a good story with a good twist. Well done.

Story B follows the story of an exile rather than that of a venturer, taking a somewhat different approach to tackling the prompt. The setting feels slightly more vague going for more of a dystopian setting. The subversion of expectations with the wanderers followed by the natural decision to join their community was pleasant to read. In fact, I think I like story B's ending quite a bit more than story A's since it sets up for more exciting stories in the future as opposed to just maintaining the status quo.

I feel like I could go either way on this but I shall lock in my vote for Story B. Even though I think Story A's setting was more well thought out, I feel like I enjoyed Story B's ending more because of its open endedness.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

19 days ago
I really enjoyed both stories, and I really want to congratulate Wildblue and Liminal for bringing the 2025 Thunderdome season to such a strong finish!

Both stories were incredibly awesome, but ultimately we can only choose one.

I choose Story A. I'll update this post later with the reasons why, but for now, I just wanted to cast my vote while the stories are still fresh in my head.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

18 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/29/2025 12:40:53 AM
Is this voting still open? I will try to write this review better than the last !

I like both stories. First story a starts with the main character’s mission, it’s a good way to show Josef’s goal which carries the reader through the story. and set up his apprehension for the “honor”. This is reflected in his actions where he tries to distract himself - it foreshadows and builds up to the conflict that is soon to come. One small critique: sometimes the events are summarized, like telling not showing, especially near the start and with the backstory of characters. Could be written more seamlessly, maybe? but it’s good nonetheless and i understand there is the word count limit, otherwise the story cannot fit the scope.

Taking advice of another posting, for conciseness, I recomend to shorten some sentence, like “Whether they all survived or not past today or met the fate of the others he knew could be up to him” could become “whether they all survived past today or met the others’ unfortunate fate could be up to him”. Descriptions are beautiful ! Haunting and eerie, but in an atomospheric way. There was a plot twist, it shocked me that he was the brother ! This is a common trope, of the enemy being the good people, but it is written nicely here. I don’t know about the ending, it is realistic, maybe I was expecting more because of the buildup and foreshadowing where the main character was so worried and there was no fight. However it makes sense that he made his choice to protect his people.

Next I will write for story b. There is also atomospheric description here. I am a bit confused, about ‘walking out and away’, from where? And I think the dialogue format is wrong but it’s not my first language, so if I’m incorrect, sorryy… I like the world building of the story with the Faders and Wanderers, these are not overexplained. The society the main character left feels quite oppressive, contrast with the later one they join.

A small critique, there is a plot hole, where the main character thinks their gun will not work, but it’s gunshots that kill the Fader? But maybe I miss something. There are some parts that are a bit unclear but I prefer the mystery of under-explaining to overexplaining. It is nice that the dog plays a big role in the story because it is the reason for the Wanderer to be nice to the main character. There is a plot twist here as well - the mutilated people are not the bad guys, they are better than the previous home the main character had. and I like the full circle moment of the ending and start being about home.

Overall not an easy choice but I vote for b.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

16 days ago
Credit to both authors here! Since I have to choose, I pick Story B. Well done!

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

16 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/30/2025 8:51:07 AM

"Excellent" stories!  Well, let's see if the touting of these stories is justified. 

Others here have already (Enter) pretty much said what I would have said about the narrative, and I want to think about prose style.  So Story A has aspects of the prose style that makes me lean away from the screen slightly as I read.  There's also basic sentence structure stuff to deal with as well, like comma splices, the difference between single and double quotation marks, the use of periods and commas with quotation marks (they go inside); things that would have been caught with a reread ("he had seen it in his thier eyes"), and dropped words "the first expedition to reclaim in ten years."  But eh, that's just proofreading, I guess. 

As far as style goes, Story A has the problem of telling me how cool this guy is and not showing me him doing cool stuff.  Instead, it leans really hard into asserting the coolness in the opening by way of doing the exposition and establishing character, and for me, that tends to make me push a story away.  I want to see men twisted by magic into abominations faster.  But more than that, and this is really hard to elucidate in a comment, the dialogue has a lot of trouble sounding like people talking as opposed to people talking in a story.  There's a stilted quality about it with every single writer has to work through in their authorly career, and it shades into a natural style around the millionth word of practice.  I think that what Story A does best is some narrative propulsion at the end--it knows what story arc is wants and its drives towards it and then it ends with a little punch at the right time.  I appreciated that.

Story B has a reasonably good style at the start.  On the other hand, this author clearly hasn't read my article on how to do dialogue attributions with "'Henry, go back.' You chastise, clenching your teeth."  I also don't think using second person does this story any favors.  In the absence of interactivity, I don't like second person.  But that's me.  Moments like "your gun will not work" sound to me like something a classic adventure game would say when you try to USE GUN with FADER.  I was not a fan of this story's slow start, and particularly what Enter called the "shift in pacing" partway through.  Some transition was badly needed there.

This story has a good idea for physical detail and has a sense of how to use some interesting sentence structures, but the rhythm of a lot of the sentences fall into a pretty similar pattern.  That's the sort of thing where when I tell undergraduates that, they give me a pretend patient look, but I assure you, it's a thing.  The sentences, though, are really quite clumsy at the moments of crisis, and that's where second person really lets it down:  "you halt all movement, even that of your breaths."  As a side note.  This story too doesn't know the difference between single and double quotation marks.  I think what this story does best is offer some vivid detail at key moments--the precise weight of the dog, for example.

I started out thinking I was going to vote for B, but no, I'm going for STORY A.  But it was close, and in a different world where I had gotten more sleep or had a slightly different breakfast I might have gone the other way.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

15 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 1/1/2026 8:00:43 PM

Well, it looks like these stories are tied 4:4. 8 voters is more than usual.

Story A:

     It would appear that this story is about a kingdom wanting to get it's... base? Back. Our main character has acheived something great, and is either being sent out for the skill he has shown or because his performance has made people with power want him dead.

     In this world, 4 other groups have tried and failed to take the base back. Oh I'm stupid, I just looked back at the story for a second and realized it was a fortress my bad.

     I think this was pretty good, but I don't really feel much of anything to the character. Maybe this is just me, but it would seem that we know pretty much nothing about the character exept that they're at risk of death, are anxious, has an amazing achievement, and has possibly made enemies unintentionaly.

     In the last paragraph, you say labeled of. And other stuff before and after. But anyway, maybe it's just me but it seems a bit weird although maybe I'm being stupid because I can't think of a better way to phrase it at the moment :P.

     I'm not going to count to figure out which paragraph this is. Where it says "Josef like most of the men wore [...]" I believe it would be better put as Josef, like the other men, wore. With the commas just makes more sense to me.

     Also, even further up, when Josef is finding his limbs to be "heavy and wooden" I think you could make it he found instead of just found.

     Overall, pretty good, but there were a couple spots that I thought could be done a bit better and, in my opinion so not objectively, it just was really unsatisfying and slightly boring.

Story B:

     Unless I have misunderstood or missed something, this is a story about a person with their dog who is searching for shelter after getting exiled in a world filled with Faders and Wanderers. A Fader threatens them, but doesn't get to them because it's killed by Wanderers who take the person and the dog somewhere else, assumably their home.

     For this one, I see no SPaG (this stands for spelling, punctuation, and grammar, right?) errors and I like it a lot more. I have a lot less to say on this one, sorry.

I vote for story B.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

21 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/25/2025 12:04:17 PM

OK since everybody else is busy Christmassing I will start:

These stories are easy to compare because they follow a very similar concept, but hard to rank because they are also of very similar quality.

The similarities are astonishing: Lone person wanders into a foggy region where they find scary mutated humans who have lost their ability to speak, but ultimately all can be resolved in a quick (genre-defying) chat for a relatively whosesome ending with Kafka-esque overtones.

Both stories are make an enjoyable read. They have a plot with an unexpected twist and the writing is good. But also both stories left me wandering in the fog when it came to theme and pacing.

Story A made it clear from the start that it wanted to be a fantasy story with its orks, soldiers and the conquering of castles. The languge was consistently good, with some strong setences, and very good use direct speech to bring the setting to live (I applaud "Fifth time's the charm", really well done). Nevertheless I see some room for improvement. Starting with a big infodump makes the opening one of the weakest parts of the whole story and throughout there are a few needless words ("suddenly", "that was what had") and some sentences read a bit bumpy. Also the relatively calm and detached narration undermines the dire atmosphere.

The story is interesting because it goes against the conventions of the genre by avoiding the pivotal conflict. Instead the protagonist is disapeered and silenced in a proverbial sense. Nobody is killed in battle, nobody is hung for cowardice before the enemy either, instead the protagonist becomes a victim of a Kafka-esque administraton. Subverting the genre in this way is a neat idea and could actually be stellar, but it is hard to pull off, and here it didn't quite work for me.

The main issue is pacing: It feels like we spend half the story in the camp, and then amlost immediately jump to the wizard, have a lengthy (too lengthy maybe) conversation and then rush to the end. Consider starting in medias res, wandering through the valley, so that we have the tension right from the start. The ending where the admistration is the real enemy was foreshadowed in the beginnig (excellent) but in order to work this ending needs time to breathe.

It is good to ask what is the actual story here: Is it about confronting evil? Then journey in the valley would be the second act of the story, and the confrontation and eventual return would be the third act. In this case I would want the second act to be longer and I would want the wizard to be truly evil. Alternatively, and more interestingly, it could be about going into the evil lands to discover that the true evil lurks at home. But in this case the journey through the valley is only the first act, before the protagonist meets the wizard who brings him into the second act by changing his perspective.

The pivotal confrontation with the wizard has relatively low energy with a gradual change of perspective and the wizard mentioning his ownership of the castle almost as an afterthought. If I wrote this, I would probaly let them have this discussion while they are fighting to introduce more conflict, and I would try to steer the conversation such that it reaches a climax where the wizard can turn everything on it's head with one sentence.

In summary this is a very insteresting story, that could become outstanding with some editing.

Story B wins in terms of creativity; it introduces us to weird societies, strange dog-loving creatures etc. The language is fairly decent but slightly weaker than story A. There are more bumpy sentences, and also jumps between tenses. The story is written in the second person, which is unusual for a short story and doesn't seem to be done with a specific purpose.

Throughout the story it wasn't clear to me where we actually are: Is this fantasy or some post-apocalyptic SciFi, a comedy (a hand warmer is what we worry about!?). This is quite disorienting and it would be good to give the reader a hint in either direction. Also a lot of issues are mentioned in too little time. For example I was told (not shown) that the environement is somehow cold and desolate, but then immediately we move on to our cuddly dog, which leaves no time for the desolation to sink in. The pivotal conversation that eventually occurs has a similar problem as the one in Story A: It could have a bit more bite. In this case the bite is harder to create. Perhaps the protagonist could be a bit more desperate, up until the point where it occurs?

In the end I was left with quite a few questions. Was the protagonist really an outcast because he overslept? How come he didn't know that was a crime? Why didn't anybody try to communicate with the wanderers before? Of course that there are all of these questions shows that also a lot of worldbuilding happened.

Summary. So again we have two well-written stories that have solid plots and likeable protagonists. Overall both were enjoyable to read. Story A feels better organized, while story B wins in terms of creativity and worldbuilding. Overall I vote for A mainly because it had some really good lines and a smoother flow. But, congratulations to both authors for their awesome work.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

21 days ago
Yeah what is up with that, people celebrating a major holiday instead of voting on stories. Even that heathen RK.

Great reviews though, and my first thought with these too was that the similarities were kind of neat but I sure was glad I didn't have to vote.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

18 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/29/2025 12:40:42 AM
Alright, since this will in all likelihood be my final Thunderrant of this year, I best make it a good one, full of good vibes, great insight, proper feedback and witty- yeah no. This is will just be a rant. Pure and simple. I am not your buddy or friend here, but actively rooting against you. I got every bit of judgemental bone in my body saved up for this one. Shouldn't have gone last, kid.

So Mizal seemed to be hyping you both up, seemingly impressed by your writing prowess in the way she asked for more votes. I guess that means you both feel good about yourself, a high and prideful feeling that comes from writing something you THINK is good. I am here to tell you you're wrong. Your feeling is shit. That it only means there's a higher cliff and a bigger fall when I inevitably try to trip you up and push you off. I'll likely dislike it and detail why in all its excruciating detail to the point you start disliking it yourself.

Now that was fun to write! My own foray to fish for a foreboding feeling. How's that for alliteration?

Let's start, as usual, with the prompt. A foray into THE forsaken lands. Not A forsaken land. This distinction might seem small, but reading is as crucial a skill in these thunderdome matches as writing is, and correctly interpreting the prompt is a key metric in any self respecting judge's score.

So what do we gleam of this? First the foray, a sense of adventure, the thrill in front of the unknown, but a hostile adventure at that, closer to an incursion than a simple voyage. That flows right into THE forsaken lands, our hostile environment. This will not be a happy trip. I want to feel the trepidation, the dooom. These lands were forsaken, abandoned for a grave reason, and apparently infamous for it. These Lands are as much a character in this story as our foray is. So to once again foray in them must be caused by desperation. A need greater than the dangers you'll face. I swear, if I see a go happy story from this prompt, I'll tear you a new one.

With that out of the way, let's start reading.

----

Story A:

Yeah the start is acceptable, though not great. Aside from Stegerios being a real fucking weird name you only find in fantasy authors trying to be 'creative' because it sounds vaguely Greek and thus fancy, there is a lot of lore included that I like, but in a way that I don't.

Like just about the worst kind of opening to pull people in is starting with some named character being anxious and pondering their past mistakes. There's enough of that faggotry going on in the real world already. The first sentence is good, things happen, I envision the scene. You're introducing ideas, the rocky ridge, the army marching out on horseback. But instead of fleshing those ideas out in an interesting manner, expanding this image by just how that column moves, looks like, sounds or even filling the environment it moves through, I am whiplashed by a flashback about his doubts. I am introduced to a whirlwind of past events and placenames that come and go without having the time to settle or a reference to place them in.

Like sure, credit where credit's due, a soldier suddenly promoted officer through heroic action is a cool as fuck idea that could warrant an entire 2000 word story on its own. When it's mentioned by a passing soldier or messenger it's a cool bit of lore that deepens the world, makes it feel alive. When it is literally hamfisted in the second line as part of the protagonist's crucial backstory but not expanded on, it immediately loses its charm. Like it's not part of the world, not organically shown through the deft hand of a writer. You're bludgeoned with it, and where was that cool conjured image of a mounted column moving out? Yeah you lost it.

Now the following paragraphs do seem to stick to their central idea, and you worked the backstory nicely into thier trepidation. That was not a typo by the way. Though I do think it could be depicted more viscerally. Instead of 'keeping it in check again and again and project confidence', I'd describe it as pushing down on the panic's rising tide, trying to keep it from breaking the surface. Something more active, you know, I usually like water imagery and metaphors for these kind of things, but you can find your own words that fit your style more. But please do find one, a style that is. I'd also remove the 'all the usual things' as that seems quite the off-beat flippant remark when you try to make us feel doom.

That's why I also find the choice to have the supposedly trained Royal Army performing a nice flute and dance, making a merry amount of noise before entering the valley full of monsters all the more interesting, well not interesting. This is a rant. I do not like it and find it's bad writing. There's no way any thinking man would invite even more danger that way. And then we are once again told some backstory with a half baked inclusion of the nephew who I now call only impact on the story will be to segue into this backstory and do nothing of note. If you exceed expectations you might even make him die for cheap dramatics, but I doubt it.

Alright I'm getting bogged in the details here. Rather than zooming in on every little bit I don't like, I'll just state all those bits build up to this piece lacking a strong narrative tone. While we are told people are scared and feel like walking into death itself, I don't feel it. The text itself is dry as fuck rather than dripping with horror.

The flashbacks, mostly factoids that feel an attempt to flesh out the main character, are mainly there to prop him up in the first place rather than deepen his character. He lacks a strong characterization in the present, as if more a vague idea in someone's head, a conjured placeholder to serve the plot than a living person. The theoretical downsides of those flashbacks (because everything you decide to include has its pros and cons) are still there however, they break the narrative flow, taking us out of the present every time. And the present is where you'd want to build up your tension and your images to make the reader immerse and feel things. And without that ramping tension, most of these paragraphs have the emotive load of 'stuff happens' then 'more stuff happens'.

Now this does get a little better upon entering the valley and meeting with the Grand Wizard, the writing finally settling in one place and time long enough to know what it wants. Here, however, this aforementioned lack of characterization rears its ugly head, with the protagonist being little more than a mouthpiece of the plot. "Seriously, bad evil wizard, tell me more lore!" His incredulous and impotent questioning seriously have me in trouble attempting to combine this personality of a wet rag with the supposed hero of the orc fortress who single handedly tilted the tide. You got orders dude, stop being a angsty teenager pointing fingers and either fulfill them or turn traitor. And why the fuck do you guiltily look away from a man's visage like a teen boy caught staring at their crush once it was mentioned?

Yeah the entire conclusion is wrapped up in three throwaway paragraphs, and the climax being the protagonist running away with his tail tucked between his legs seems true to character for once, as narratively shit it is. Oh, and I was right about that damn nephew. Poor dude was so forgettable I actually forgot about him and my callout by the time I finished story B. Just chanced upon my mention of him while editing the entire thing for typos.

Needless to say, I didn't like it. Now it wasn't all bad, but it's my rant, and I don't want to unnecessarily dilute what's become a beautiful piece of concentrated vitriol.

Prompt 5/5
Writing 2/5
Enter's Whim -4
Total 3/10

------

Story B:

Now from reading just the first paragraph I do like B's writing more than A's. But there's still things to improve. For one you decided to write in second person. That's great, immediately makes the scene feel more immediate, as if it's all applying to me. Yeah the winds scold me. I scold you. It's great all around! But you see, the trick to writing the second narrative well is using the word 'you' as little as possible. That makes it, when you decide to use it, all the more impactful.

Here in this paragraph it is the opposite. Things are burning in my brain, I must remember things while harsh winds aren't just around, bitingly cold. No, they are specifically scolding me. I give a dog some pats while I am personally greeted by night and clouds. You see how that's rather tiring? Now as the author, reread the first paragraphs while putting an extra emphasis every time you come across the word 'you' or 'your'. You get it now? The word 'you' is quickly overstaying its welcome. This is future Enter working his way back to the rant, yeah this problem persist throughout and does overstay its welcome.

You can introduce half those things to the scene as just being present, allowing the reader to make the mental bridge to connect those things into applying to themselves theirselves. Another little secret as a thank you for not being as shit as story A thus far: a reader's imagination is always more powerful than any words you put on the paper. The trick is making it do as much work as possible, and getting as little in the way as possible. So that's why, when you inevitably do interrupt that imagination with a direct YOU, that interruption feels all the more powerful for it.

Anyway besides that story B succeeds where A fails in making me imagine the place and feeling of the place. Instead of telling me I'm supposed to be feeling forlorn, you include 'a stubbornness more human that you have seen from your people' and that actually accomplishes the thing through hijacking my empathy and imagination. Good. However, I do not like the 'Whatever.' as a one word sentence immediately after. It's very basic, forcing thoughts into the narration as a word rather than implanting the idea itself. I don't like the word itself as well. Meh.

So moving on, I am going to be a bit of a hypocrite here. Usually I proclaim the need to settle the pace down, let things sink in before moving on, and to keep to the central theme for a cohesive short story. Here, I am just kinda getting bored. Sure, the melody happened just at the right time it started to set in, where I grew accustomed to the atmosphere of wry loneliness, but then he kinda fucked off to mope around in some other place, nothing much happening.

And I think that is the crux here. You hamfisted all these emotions and feelings into me through your writing, but I am missing the hook. There is mystery, yes, but all this you (me?) has done is mope around a bit. There is nothing to let sink in because nothing concrete has happened yet. The introduction of the Fader seems to be about three paragraphs too late.

Perhaps it's getting late but while the sudden shift in pacing is good, the contents of it mostly left me confused. Were the shots and thud meant to imply the Fader is dead? Did these Wanderers shoot it? Why am I laughing and patting the dog's head if the Wanderers are in my hut and I was told a Wanderer showing meant my certain death just two paragraphs ago? I applaud the author's choice in attempting to keep the narration firmly stuck to this protagonist's experience, but you forgot I am not born and raised in his place. There's introducing foreign concepts like earplugs and Faders I can gleam the implication of, but this is just a confusing situation of its own.

Now the conclusion seemed well done and properly tying things up without haste, and I do appreciate a self indulgent 'Wanderer wanders' wordchoice (unless this was done by accident rather than a personal joke, in which case it's shit!). As a whole, I'd say this piece's main problems were just a slow start (I'd start with something actually happening to catch and keep interest) and slightly unpolished writing. Promptwise though, I wouldn't call this a foray, rather an exile. And it's not really a forsaken land when the exile is from an outpost right in the middle of it.

Prompt 3/5
Writing 3/5
Enter's Whim 0
Total 6/10

Yeah you won. Well done.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

18 days ago
Goddamn this turned out to be a long one.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago
Okay, Avo provided the tiebreaker. It's Story B for the win! That was a fascinating match, I really was unsure which way it was going to go, and through most of the voting period it still wasn't clear. We didn't get a huge turnout on the voting this time, but quality made up for quantity since most of you providing big chunky posts with detailed information on why you made your decision, I hope the authors will take it to heart. Congrats Liminal on the win! Wildblue, you lost a few matches ago to a funny retard, now you're losing to a furry joy creature. Maybe the lesson to take away is that you need to start including more memorable characters. (Both authors should get a commendation when they reply to this post btw, just in case I'm not around it would be NICE if someone else would do it.)

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 1/1/2026 8:32:33 PM
First Thunderdome win! Let's go!

And yes, the feedback this time was really high quality and I appreciated everyone's input. Congrats to Wildblue for the amazing story. Thanks for doing this with me and thanks to Mizal for hosting as always. ^-^

(And if anyone would like to see pictures of the dog I based Henry off of they may ask to see them. He's very cute.)

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago
If this is your dog, just make sure any pictures you share aren't also appearing on any social media you have that might contain personal info.

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago
Congrats on the win Liminal! Can't wait to see all the thunder domes you do in 2026!

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago

...Maybe this is my mistake, but I thought thunderdome was one word not two?

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago

Congratulations Liminal!

Thunderdome 28: Wildblue vs Liminal

13 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 1/3/2026 2:26:06 AM
Thanks Liminal for providing a tough match, and all the rest of you for the feedback. I may respond in more detail to some of the voters later, I'll be taking all the advice into account for next time though and may do a rewrite of this story.