The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent
Cystia’s newest newspaper yet!
Holy shit, Yet another Forum Newspaper!
By Geoffrey Bronson
The severely underpaid and underfunded staff of the abandoned silk-screening factory that Silas Schock has for some reason decided to seize as spoils of war have now been forced to scrape up money by selling newspapers to the nearby third-world townsfolk.
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Geoffrey!” says Silas, the Penguinite King of CYStia, “This is totally not a trend-following ego trip in any way, just like it wasn’t the last three times people published forum periodicals!”
Ctd on page 2...
Also featuring...
War over Cystia! The world waits with baited breath as Aman and BerkaZerka challenge each other to a duel of RPS! Is this a sign that another mustache-penguin conflict could be just over the horizon?
Controversey! Should WC Fans be considered people? Malkalack awaits the answer at his sentencing hearing for "Accidentally" running over GreyLeaf with his truck.
As well as "Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say when the Mods are Around" Featuring pro tips from Playa998, Slasher, CreatorX, and many more!
Exclusive Interview with Kiel Farren!
Incredibly handsome and not at all familiar anonymous reporter: So, I've been thinking of doing this interview for the Newspaper, since everyone's doing it these days. I've decided that I need to interview someone of considerable accomplishment and prestige about COMPLETELY SERIOUS and ABSOLUTELY TOPICAL matters.
So, if you're willing to begin: Word on the street is that you prefer oreo-flavored jello over any other. Is this true? The world wants to know exactly what your favorite Jello flavor is.
Kiel Farren: Okay. If you're referring to jello pudding specifically (and I hope to God you are, because Oreo-flavored gelatin sounds nasty) then my favorite is actually butterscotch. Reminds me of my childhood, I guess. Vanilla and chocolate are good, too. I've never tried Oreo-flavored pudding, but it sounds good.
On the other hand, if you're asking about the jiggly, see-through, gelatin jello stuff? Watermelon.
Sexy anonymous reporter:Those are both glorious choices! Hopefully we may put those disgusting rumors to rest, then. I'm sure they'll stop most definitely after Science finally proves that Oreo Gelatin does not exist! (That'll be in next week's issue, Audience.)
Now, to the next question, would you rather have a millipede crawl up one of your nostrils and out the other, or have a centipede crawl in one of your ears and then back out again?
Kiel Farren: Neither. If I really had to choose between the two, though, the centipede in the ear sounds less uncomfortable.
Incredibly handsome and masculine anonymous reporter:Alright, now for a more personal question, because this newspaper needs some goddamn fanservice. We've known that you've been a supporter of the Sandwisexual Support Community for a long time, being a sandwich lover yourself. Would you like to tell us what makes a sandwich appealing to you? What do you look for?
Kiel Farren: Well, I'm pretty accepting when it comes to the fact that there are many different kinds of attractive sandwiches in the world. Large and small, rye and pumpernickel, they all have their own sort of charm.
Personally, though, I like it when the bread of a sandwich is thick enough to feel sturdy and lightly toasted--none of that damn margarine, either, real butter--I'd say it gives you a sense of stability and warmth. I'd say a little crisp greenery never hurt, either, on the inside. I like when a sandwich has that "fresh" taste ... and of course, bacon. Beautiful, wavy, sexy bacon--the best way to (stop) a man's heart.
Seriously, the best fucking reporter on the goddamn planet who shall go thus far unnamed: Yes, thank you Mr. Farren, this was all the information we *ahem* needed... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to, uhh, do some... Proofreading.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOHN MOTHERFUCKING ROMERO!
JR: What the fuck are you doing here!?
Incredibly handsome news reporter: Hello, I’m a reporter from the CYSMTGTI, Cystia’s best and most reliable source for completely honest and unbiased news!
JR: What the hell’s wrong with your head, you look like some kind of bir-
Glorious and ever-virtuous News Reporter: Now now, Mr. Romero, I’ll be the one asking the questions here. So, to begin, what inspired you to create DOOM?
JR: Did you seriously break the goddamn window!?
News Reporter that is an absolute statue of humanoid perfection: Uh-huh. Why did you decide to use an Axe as the melee weapon in Quake as opposed to the fist?
JR: Can… Can someone please arrest this guy?
Incredible News Reporter: Alright, and one final question. What the hell were you thinking when you made Daikatana?
JR: Get the fuck out of my house. GET THE FUCK. OUT OF MY HOUSE!
The News reporter who’s dick is probably way bigger than yours: Thank you for your time, Mr. Romero! Your answers are greatly appreciated!
Review Corner:
So, you’re probably wondering which game I’m going to review, and I’ll start off by telling you that I’m going to review a game in a small section that rarely gets rated higher then a 3. Yes, the smallest category, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, the most hit-and-miss of all catergories, where the titles are all ambiguous and slightly emo looking and you can scroll down the list of titles and make Freudian jokes about them all day. (“I’ll shine a light in your darkness any day, hon!”) No, it’s not the Horror Genre, I couldn’t make “The Poison Toilet” into a sex joke if I wanted to, although a hepatitus joke would most certainly be applicable.
Now, I’ve been reading a lot of romances lately, because they seemed short, I hadn’t rated many of them before, and I got plenty of points for them, but there was one that really caught my attention.
Rose.
Now, Rose is a Snowclone in which you carefully traverse a world ravaged by Comic Sans and large black boxes full of broken images in pursuit of memories about your probably tragically dying young love.
Everything, was all so vaguely dramatic. The narration, it was all trying so hard to come off as somber. Never, have I been so moved, by hammy writing... empty, black boxes... and comic sans.
It’s all so easy… With the weirdly placed elipses, and overused commas, to imagine it being read by, Christopher Walken.
Rose is a mediocre story… Indeed.
The memories you find are ones you never forget, and they’re all about the things that make your true love Mei the most lovable, caring, and respectful ho around.
The first memory, although you can choose them in any order, is the one in the library. Here we learn that Mei is not, in fact a Mary Sue, because she always heads to the library and works hard with her schoolwork in order to earn money, because her grandma is fucking dying. Here we read some of the rare spoken dialogue in this story, as she, struggling and stressed out, complains about how difficult it all is.
Naturally, as an enormous empty box flaps across the screen, this is the perfect time for the narrator to gush about how cute and lovable she is, without giving any other real explanation… I guess really lovable people just have that kind of effect on people? Or maybe the narrator is some kind of apathetic sadist? Either way, this probably wasn’t the best time to bring this up.
Next, the writer shows us just how caring she is by having her become best friends with the least popular girl in class. Now, I can respect this somewhat, but it’s only a few steps higher on the trope-a-meter than saying that she owns a charity and puts in countless hours at the homeless shelter. But it works, I guess.
So now that we know Mei is socially awkward and cute when she’s suffering, we now need to know how respectful she is. The narrator tells us that Mei respected his mom while he just kinda sat there and watched them learn how to cook so they could go back to playing board games. I think I know why this guy finds it so difficult to get of the friendzone now…
Next, we are given a choice between which poem we’d rather read, an ambiguously sad one about a rose with tiny comic sans font and a strong grasp of the Enter Key, and a somewhat inspiring poem with giant fucking comic sans font with all the blatancy of an Airhorn in your ears. Either way, you get the same ending.
I felt that it was kind of okay for what it was, but the guy who wrote it was trying way too fucking hard and it just ended up coming off as pretentious and melodramatic. Kind of like that one movie from the nineties where this guy is talking to us from beyond the grave about his pedophilic extramarital relationship and a probably mental kid who takes movies of everything because he thinks bags flying around in the wind are beautiful.