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The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent

Cystia’s newest newspaper yet!

 

Holy shit, Yet another Forum Newspaper!

By Geoffrey Bronson

The severely underpaid and underfunded staff of the abandoned silk-screening factory that Silas Schock has for some reason decided to seize as spoils of war have now been forced to scrape up money by selling newspapers to the nearby third-world townsfolk.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Geoffrey!” says Silas, the Penguinite King of CYStia, “This is totally not a trend-following ego trip in any way, just like it wasn’t the last three times people published forum periodicals!”

Ctd on page 2...

Also featuring...

War over Cystia! The world waits with baited breath as Aman and BerkaZerka challenge each other to a duel of RPS! Is this a sign that another mustache-penguin conflict could be just over the horizon?

Controversey! Should WC Fans be considered people? Malkalack awaits the answer at his sentencing hearing for "Accidentally" running over GreyLeaf with his truck.

As well as "Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say when the Mods are Around" Featuring pro tips from Playa998, Slasher, CreatorX, and many more!

 

Exclusive Interview with Kiel Farren!

Incredibly handsome and not at all familiar anonymous reporter: So, I've been thinking of doing this interview for the Newspaper, since everyone's doing it these days. I've decided that I need to interview someone of considerable accomplishment and prestige about COMPLETELY SERIOUS and ABSOLUTELY TOPICAL matters.

So, if you're willing to begin: Word on the street is that you prefer oreo-flavored jello over any other. Is this true? The world wants to know exactly what your favorite Jello flavor is.

Kiel Farren: Okay. If you're referring to jello pudding specifically (and I hope to God you are, because Oreo-flavored gelatin sounds nasty) then my favorite is actually butterscotch. Reminds me of my childhood, I guess. Vanilla and chocolate are good, too. I've never tried Oreo-flavored pudding, but it sounds good.

On the other hand, if you're asking about the jiggly, see-through, gelatin jello stuff? Watermelon.

Sexy anonymous reporter:Those are both glorious choices! Hopefully we may put those disgusting rumors to rest, then. I'm sure they'll stop most definitely after Science finally proves that Oreo Gelatin does not exist! (That'll be in next week's issue, Audience.)

Now, to the next question, would you rather have a millipede crawl up one of your nostrils and out the other, or have a centipede crawl in one of your ears and then back out again?

Kiel Farren: Neither. If I really had to choose between the two, though, the centipede in the ear sounds less uncomfortable.

Incredibly handsome and masculine anonymous reporter:Alright, now for a more personal question, because this newspaper needs some goddamn fanservice. We've known that you've been a supporter of the Sandwisexual Support Community for a long time, being a sandwich lover yourself. Would you like to tell us what makes a sandwich appealing to you? What do you look for?

Kiel Farren: Well, I'm pretty accepting when it comes to the fact that there are many different kinds of attractive sandwiches in the world. Large and small, rye and pumpernickel, they all have their own sort of charm.

Personally, though, I like it when the bread of a sandwich is thick enough to feel sturdy and lightly toasted--none of that damn margarine, either, real butter--I'd say it gives you a sense of stability and warmth. I'd say a little crisp greenery never hurt, either, on the inside. I like when a sandwich has that "fresh" taste ... and of course, bacon. Beautiful, wavy, sexy bacon--the best way to (stop) a man's heart.

Seriously, the best fucking reporter on the goddamn planet who shall go thus far unnamed: Yes, thank you Mr. Farren, this was all the information we *ahem* needed... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to, uhh, do some... Proofreading.

 

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOHN MOTHERFUCKING ROMERO!

JR: What the fuck are you doing here!?

Incredibly handsome news reporter: Hello, I’m a reporter from the CYSMTGTI, Cystia’s best and most reliable source for completely honest and unbiased news!

JR: What the hell’s wrong with your head, you look like some kind of bir-

Glorious and ever-virtuous News Reporter: Now now, Mr. Romero, I’ll be the one asking the questions here. So, to begin, what inspired you to create DOOM?

JR: Did you seriously break the goddamn window!?

News Reporter that is an absolute statue of humanoid perfection: Uh-huh. Why did you decide to use an Axe as the melee weapon in Quake as opposed to the fist?

JR: Can… Can someone please arrest this guy?

Incredible News Reporter: Alright, and one final question. What the hell were you thinking when you made Daikatana?

JR: Get the fuck out of my house. GET THE FUCK. OUT OF MY HOUSE!

The News reporter who’s dick is probably way bigger than yours: Thank you for your time, Mr. Romero! Your answers are greatly appreciated!

 

Review Corner:

So, you’re probably wondering which game I’m going to review, and I’ll start off by telling you that I’m going to review a game in a small section that rarely gets rated higher then a 3. Yes, the smallest category, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, the most hit-and-miss of all catergories, where the titles are all ambiguous and slightly emo looking and you can scroll down the list of titles and make Freudian jokes about them all day. (“I’ll shine a light in your darkness any day, hon!”) No, it’s not the Horror Genre, I couldn’t make “The Poison Toilet” into a sex joke if I wanted to, although a hepatitus joke would most certainly be applicable.

Now, I’ve been reading a lot of romances lately, because they seemed short, I hadn’t rated many of them before, and I got plenty of points for them, but there was one that really caught my attention.

Rose.

Now, Rose is a Snowclone in which you carefully traverse a world ravaged by Comic Sans and large black boxes full of broken images in pursuit of memories about your probably tragically dying young love.

Everything, was all so vaguely dramatic. The narration, it was all trying so hard to come off as somber. Never, have I been so moved, by hammy writing... empty, black boxes... and comic sans.

It’s all so easy… With the weirdly placed elipses, and overused commas, to imagine it being read by, Christopher Walken.

Rose is a mediocre story… Indeed.

The memories you find are ones you never forget, and they’re all about the things that make your true love Mei the most lovable, caring, and respectful ho around.

The first memory, although you can choose them in any order, is the one in the library. Here we learn that Mei is not, in fact a Mary Sue, because she always heads to the library and works hard with her schoolwork in order to earn money, because her grandma is fucking dying. Here we read some of the rare spoken dialogue in this story, as she, struggling and stressed out, complains about how difficult it all is.

Naturally, as an enormous empty box flaps across the screen, this is the perfect time for the narrator to gush about how cute and lovable she is, without giving any other real explanation… I guess really lovable people just have that kind of effect on people? Or maybe the narrator is some kind of apathetic sadist? Either way, this probably wasn’t the best time to bring this up.

Next, the writer shows us just how caring she is by having her become best friends with the least popular girl in class. Now, I can respect this somewhat, but it’s only a few steps higher on the trope-a-meter than saying that she owns a charity and puts in countless hours at the homeless shelter. But it works, I guess.

So now that we know Mei is socially awkward and cute when she’s suffering, we now need to know how respectful she is. The narrator tells us that Mei respected his mom while he just kinda sat there and watched them learn how to cook so they could go back to playing board games. I think I know why this guy finds it so difficult to get of the friendzone now…

Next, we are given a choice between which poem we’d rather read, an ambiguously sad one about a rose with tiny comic sans font and a strong grasp of the Enter Key, and a somewhat inspiring poem with giant fucking comic sans font with all the blatancy of an Airhorn in your ears. Either way, you get the same ending.
 

I felt that it was kind of okay for what it was, but the guy who wrote it was trying way too fucking hard and it just ended up coming off as pretentious and melodramatic. Kind of like that one movie from the nineties where this guy is talking to us from beyond the grave about his pedophilic extramarital relationship and a probably mental kid who takes movies of everything because he thinks bags flying around in the wind are beautiful.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

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The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

I facepalm your facepalm.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
A high five?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

No, just whacking someone in the face like when you say "If your hand is bigger than your face it's a sign of low intelligence" and then slap their hand up into their nose.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

This one wins. The others should just stop now.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

*hysterical laughing* We of the CYS Weekly refuse to stop! We were the first to create a paper, and the rest are all trends! *hysterical laughing*

*clears throat and straightens shirt* I'm good now.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Pff, this "trend" paper will have more issues than you ever could make! Both literally and figuratively!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

You may have more articles, but you won't have juicy content.

More, or better? That's the choice, my friend.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Tell me, Derpbacon, which content is juicier?

Asking basic, run-of-the-mill questions to authors that all authors expect to be asked by newspapers,

Or,

Someone who dares to ask the provocative and interesting questions that you wouldn't just go about asking people?

A Critic's section,

Or,

A goddamn Memes page?

Yours is no better than mine, Derpy, admit that shit.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

When did I compare yours to mine?

There was already a question on the table, Penguinite.

IT TAKES ONE. FUCKING. WORD. TO ANSWER.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

My one word was "Both", since that's the path I'm on, fool.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Yeah, no offense @DerpBacon, but yours kinda sucks.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

The penguinite's is hilarious

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

It's really @jaystarthecat leading it.

And we're unique. We don't smash everything in one: we take it piece by piece.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

:3

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Why are you smiling like that?

Do you not have anything to say?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

What are you saying? That you hire multiple people to post the different sections? I can do that. Bonkerbill's my slave, and Santino works for cheap, we can post ALL the articles piece by piece if we want to.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Precisely.

I thought it was pretty clear, but.... *shrugs*

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

What does the fact that your newspaper needs more posts than mine have to do with anything?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Santino's latino heat would spice this shit right up.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

.....

 

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

I know you're joking, but if these 'newspapers' continue, they will seriously improve the quality of the lounge. The more the merrier.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

I appreciate your newspaper. Now, will you excuse me for a moment....


Will you join us? Or shall we join you?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Obviously sent needs no help when it comes to a newspaper xD

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

XDDDD

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Everyone should probably stick to the newspapers they're already in. There can't be an Onion without the New York Times.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Sadness.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
I should make my own called the "weekly puddin' scoop" or some shit magazine with celebrity news around the site...

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

It would obviously be a tabloid, since you can never trust strawberry pudding.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Only old people read newspapers - my tabloid is for the newer generation. It'll be filled with excitement and drama and unbelievable amounts of ads!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

*raises hand* Can the ads be for storygames and RPs and such?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
nah they'll be for soap and cat food

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Soap and cat food? How disappointing...

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
*unique

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Interesting..

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Indeed.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Most amusing, I look forward to the next installment and finding out if another penguin-mustache war is on the horizon.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

yes 

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

This is just what I needed first thing in the morning while having my first cup of coffee.  Real issues with real people.  Not some theoretical mumbo jumbo that may or may not have happened in some obscure forum somewhere on the web, but up close and in your face reporting of what really matters.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

As always, astounding quality. 

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Thanks for giving me my daily amount of what-the-fuck-just-happened in a fancy tabloid format.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Oi, this isn't a tabloid! This is a completely legitimate and truthful news periodical!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Oh, right, my bad. I was obviously confusing your quality newspaper with the CYS Daily.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent

The Rocky Balboa of Newspapers!

Mid-Week edition, partially because I want my article numbers to start matching up to theirs and partially because I'm going to be so goddamn busy for the next few weeks that I can't promise I'll be able to make one next Sunday!

 

NEWS:

Welcoming a new employee!

By Geoffrey Bronson

The staff of the prestigious CYSMTGTI (And by “staff” I mean “just Sentinel, his fat wife, and a bunch of drunken hooligans who decided to join him after he gave a rousing speech.”) had a party (And by “party” I mean “remote Texas Barcrawl”) this Monday as they welcomed a new employee, renowned columnist ItAintPretty, onto the team.  There was a sudden uproar outside the bar at midnight as Sentinel thought, for some reason, that it would be  good idea to get into fight with the local Biker Gang. The gunfight lasted approximately 2 hours after the police got involved, who were reportedly “Too Entertained” by Silas’s display of Drunken Boxing prowess to actually try and stop the violence.

“At first, we thought it was kinda funny, and the bikers were a buncha no-good drug-selling thugs anyhow,” Says Sheriff Barkley, sipping confiscated beer and leaning on the grill of a pulled-over ‘67 Chevy, “But then he threw a motorcycle through one of our windshields and we decided we had to get involved.”

As the police made moves to arrest the Bird-Man, the hooligans known as Claw and Naruyashan, both equally drunk, began to hold them off with hordes of undead and anime kung-fu magic. The police were swiftly overwhelmed, and were forced to let them escape. The authorities in the state of Texas are still looking for them, and will pay whoever provides information on their whereabouts in $2,000.00 worth of blessings from the Holy Lord Jesus and back pats.

 

*Advertisement*

A Ball-tripping time-flopping adventure written by Betaband, updates with more alien-hobo madness every Saturday! PLAY IT! NOW!

*End of Advertisement*

 

Suburban Chaos!

By Bonkerbill

Fear and carnage in South Cystia today as dinosaurs from various periods attack the local populace. Scientists reportedly “Haven’t the fuckingest idea” as to why. Anonymous mallet-wielding sources tell CYSMTGTI that this may have something to do with the paradox created when certain citizens of CYS traveled back in time and ritualistically sent a travelling family to Valhalla, although there is very little evidence to support these claims at time of publication. We will provide more on this story as it develops.

 

*Advertisement*

*End of Advertisement*

 

Sweet relief!

By ISentinelPenguinI

People the world over have nothing new to fear from the Jell-o company, as conventional science has disproven the existence of Oreo gelatin once and for all. A substance which could, in theory, have been, in the words of many authorities on the stasis of the multiverse, “Almost as bad as Strawberry Pudding”. Instead, a force of good has been produced by the Jell-o company all these years, known as “Oreo Pudding”, in an attempt to redeem Pudding as a whole from the bad press it got when it was revealed that Strawberry Pudding was the source of Hitler’s evil.

 

Also featuring these articles! (On a non-existant Page 2)

Faith in Humanity Restored?

Capybara Malkalack is acquitted from his initial manslaughter charge and instead fined $400 after the court officially deemed WC fans “Cats, not people”, Sparking outrage on the internet as Cystian Moralists and bleeding-heart SJW weenies alike argue the morals of the verdict. more details on Page 2...

Contest Coverage!

TacocaT’s  Sonnet contest deadline draws ever nearer, and so too does Christmas, but the contest deadline is drawing nearer at a much faster rate. More details on just how fast it’s coming and just how much entrants should get the fuck to work on their Sonnets to turn them in on time on Page 2…

 

Rivetting exposé on life at the CYS Weekly headquarters!

By that one devilishly handsome rogue of an anonymous reporter.

While we know that working at the competing newspaper CYS Weekly when the CYSMTGTI is around is nothing but a disgusting suckball of suck,  we never thought it would be this bad before. As an equally anonymous CYS Weekly employee points out,  it’s not just the coffee that’s godawful.

Incredibly sexy anonymous reporter: Hello, *Censored*, it is I, the incredibly sexy anonymous reporter. I'd like to ask you a few questions, but first, you have to swear to complete and total secrecy. Nobody can know this shit until the day it's published.

Anonymous Employee: I solemnly swear. Beat me to death verbally if I slip.

Righteous Anonymous Reporter:  Alrighty then. So, what's it like at the offices of *ahem* that “other newspaper”?...

Anonymous Employee: Which "other newspaper"?

Inquisitive Anonymous Reporter: You know, the one made by Jaystar with the much lamer name. And higher price. And lack of good morals.

Starkly Honest Anonymous Employee: It's boring, really. Not to say anything bad about it, because she'll probably kick me out, but it's pretty bad. Nothing gets done, and she did that, called it "Daily," and left it hanging. It's a shame, really, to see that she put so little effort into it and called it "good."

Somewhat shocked anonymous reporter: Yeah, right? Anyway, what's the coffee like? Any specific coffee brands? Are they sponsored?

Anonymous Employee who has witnessed some truly awful shit: Sadly, the coffee is terrible. I had to regain my sense of caffeine and fight my way out! It's like super-bitter black coffee. “IT” is definitely not sponsored. Don't try it. You'll lose your taste buds along with “IT”. I'm calling it “IT” because it doesn't deserve a name. I seriously saw little pink bumps floating around in “IT”. Now my tongue feels flat.

Anonymous reporter who I’ve now discovered looks absolutely stunning when he’s shocked: ... Well, now that we know that horrible Lovecraftian tongue-eaters live in their coffee... Is there anything else you'd like to tell the world about the conditions at the CYS Daily/Weekly?

Anonymous Employee whose job may be endangered at this point: It's a very poor society. Nobody dares speak about the true nature of the forum. Jaystar would not allow it. I suggest that Jaystar make a better paper.

Anonymous Reporter with a keen sense of what he’s doing: Thank you, *Censored*, this was all we needed to bring down The Man. Not even Burroughs could have written a more honest and revealing exposé!

 

Review Corner:

So I was looking for a good game to review, because the only reason I’ve actually been reviewing storygames is because I’m either looking to riff on something or give publicity to an okay game that said game doesn’t yet have. Being too busy at the time to play something that I actually have to read myself, with the shortest games avaliable either being a meta-humor Narrator argument or Warrior Cats, I decided I’d review a video game instead. An old video game.

Batman Returns, the PC game from 1995!

Now, this was one of the first games I ever played on Archive.org, immediately before Oregon Trail, and it has maintained a special place in my heart ever since. And since you probably already know a bit about the game I’m talking about, given its wild and widespread popularity among the kids these days, you probably have a few questions to ask me about it.

For example, “Batman!? In a Point-and-Click Adventure game format? Were they out of their mind!?”

And the fact of it is was, “No, they weren’t”.

I think Konami handled the mechanics very well when they made this game, the combat was fun to watch, and made me feel like I was pulling off totally boss combos without actually needing the obsessive skill level required to do so in any other game.

As opposed to picking up random bullshit wherever you find it in order to pull of a cocaine-fueled non-sequitur puzzle, the plot of Batman Returns seems to maintain some fairly consistent, although still somewhat silly and odd logic, though . Careful observation from note-taking, trial and error, extrapolation on evidence, and the source material (Tim Burton’s second movie, probably. Not sure how accurate it is since I only ever saw the Joker one.) should get you pretty far in this game. The exploration is fun, the questionable and shoehorned script was funny enough, and the graphics and animations were simply exquisite for a game of that era.

The ability to beat the crap out of goons and solve mysteries in an open-world Gotham like this is probably the closest I’ll ever get to playing one of the Arkham games until I manage to scrounge up $100+ dollars, but by dammit, this game is a fun experience all its own.

8/10- CYSMTGTIRC

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Hey, I'm not fat, this is offensive!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Hello, Pnguinite leader sir! I would like to join sir! With your permission sir! Can I do a story on the shitty competition sir! I will stop doing this now sir!

Whew... I was getting tired of that. Anyway, if you got the message, CAN I!?!?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

I'm not a penguinite, hon. Ask Sentinel about that once you find threaded view.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

OHOHOOO, BURN!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Ok.....I think I found threaded view

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Still classy as ever.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

But I was talking to him.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

First of all, I'd like to clear something up. I only had 3 beers! ...and a couple thousand Sake bottles, that one 99.99999% alchol mixed drink, a hundred or so barrels of Asgardian mead, the fifty or so- You know what, that's besides the point. The point is that I'm kind of out of money for booze and hentai, so I am forced to get... -audible gasp- A JOB. So I want in. Seriously, it's an opportunity to be a dick and GET PAID with imaginary currency for it! I can't pass that up!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

That's good, we need more articles and interviews!

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

I can review Vidya Gaems!! Or movies!!!

In all seriousness, though, I recently saw Age of Ultron and I have quite a bit to say... -growls-

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Actually, I might be able to watch AOU soon...  Maybe we could do a Thumbs Up V. Thumbs Down review thing whenever we have opposing opinions?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Time-travel paradox, huh?

Heh, heh heh... 'Bout that...

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Is there a way to get your storygames and such advertised on your paper? Not planning on it (not anytime soon anyway) but just curious.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Yes, I did.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago
Just PM him? Does he ask for anything in return?

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

You could PM me, or ask me on that one Ad thread that I stole from Jaystar's frivolous, lying tabloid. Either way, the only cost is YOUR SOUL the 50 cents it costs to get the ink and paper space.

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

You stole a forum? Even though Jaystar is a pure shit bag, Thats still pretty low.........

The CYS Morning Times Gazette Tribune Independent!

8 years ago

Yep, you can also have your roleplays, work on other sites, and even favorite flash games advertised just ask.