The Weekly Review - Edition 12
As promised The Weekly Review has finally returned bigger and better, with a new Random Section!
What’s New?
- I write my first new story game in 6 months! If you have time be sure to check out HOW NOT TO WRITE - A Pokemon Adventure - Part 1 - Chapter I - Section A: The Beginning of the Start!
- In Newbie Central KitCorrigan greets the world in computer-speak (cout << "Hello World!" << endl; Thread).
- In the Lounge Fallout 4 triggers widespread interest! (So… that Fallout 4... Thread).
- In the Parlor Room members offer advice to one another on how to complete the site’s most popular series (Homo Perfectus Thread).
- In the Writing Workshop Flamezfury floats the idea of a writing club on a writing site (Writing Club Thread).
- In the Reading Corner things are surprisingly quiet…
Featured Interview - Introducing ISentinelPenguinI
One of the funniest members of the site and a prolific author of Forum Posts the enigmatic mystery known as ISentinelPenguinI has kindly agreed to answer a few questions for me…
Q: Would you mind answering a few questions?
A: Ahah, yes! I've been anticipating this moment for an hour now! It's exactly as the blood spatters have foretol-...
I mean, sure, I'll answer them.
Q: What’s your weirdest quirk?
A: Now now, Will, there are children on this site! Precocious children! The worst kind! Just when you think they're mature enough to hear a good dick joke or ten, they get all whiney about how they're too young to hear it!... Wait, different forum... However, this digression has given me enough time to realize the deeply personal, intangible, and perhaps unanswerable nature of this question... I think it might be a matter of public opinion.
Q: Is there anything that annoys you?
A: Nazis, Neo-Nazis, the Klan, Drakoblare, Radfems, most Deviantartists, including that hatty waif, Malkalack, who worships rats and TLOU and never bothered to grow a manhood, @spartacusthegreat, who didn't even deserve his manhood to begin with, Warrior Cats fans, who... Should I have narrowed it down to the top three?
Q: What’s your favorite movie?
A: Out of every movie I've ever watched in ever? I'm caught somewhere between Jacob's Ladder and The Grand Budapest Hotel.
Q: Do you sometimes dance or talk to yourself when no one’s there?
A: I'm starting to get a little suspicious of this particular line of questioning... I'll have you know my Sanity is 28/20!
Q: What’s your favorite book?
A: That would be Flan, by Stephen Tunney. I can't imagine the sheer level of balls it took to hand something as gloriously batshit crazy as that in to a publisher. And yet, it exists. Truly an (un?)blessing to all humanity. A book you'll wish you could forget for the rest of your life. And I mean that in the best possible way. Otherwise, I have a thing for Avi's books, purple-prose-choked as they can be sometimes.
Q: What are your political or religious beliefs?
A: What a heathenous question! I don't hold beliefs, I spread facts!
Q: What do you like about this site?
A: Me, mostly. And the abundance of roast-able fools.
Q: What things don’t you like about this site?
A: The sudden absence of rap battles with which to roast fools.
Q: What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
A: One day, the truth came out about my... distinct preferences. I was absolutely humiliated, but then I learned that Kiel, and to a lesser extent, Briar and some of the other members, were into samwiches too, and they made me feel really comfortable and accepted about it and I realized I didn't have to hide and lie to myself anymore. *Sniff* Ah, sorry, I said I wouldn't cry. Wait, did I?
Q: Any final thoughts?
A: Final thoughts!? Ahah, I knew this was going somewhere suspicious! Get out of here, Will! Whoever hired you to lobotomise me won't be satisfied any time soon!
Featured Review - Randomly Walk II, the epic sequel by ISentinelPenguinI
“Brilliant”, “Hilarious”, “The disturbing product of a trouble mind”… these are some of the statements that could be used to describe this funny little story. Irrevent and humorous throughout it introduces us to a surreal world where walking is a requirement, not an option, and surprisingly far more difficult to perform than would be expected, with unexpected obstacles at every turn. Random fiction rarely works unless the humor is genuinely funny but in this case it does work and like a Youtube Video clip provides a funny way to fill five minutes, which is all you really need from a short story game :D
Jokes
This week I have scoured the Profiles of Site members to pick up the funniest lines and jokes provided by YOU guys, the wonderful people who make up the CYOA community. Without further ado here’s a few great lines supplied directly by you - the readers!
"Writing: It's more fun than a barrel of Ebola ridden monkeys!"
- Endmaster
“Hi, I'm Steve. I recently made Soldiers, after which I was kidnapped and forced to make Achilles with Chase223. He beats me, he whips me, he makes me find obscure Greek myths. I'm currently imprisoned in a basement. I don't know where. Between 6:00 and 7:00 I scream as loud as I can. If you hear screaming during that time, please, get me out of here! I don't even like scifi, I'm more of a fantasy guy! Please help! He's making me work on a sequel. I'm so tired. Help…“
- Steve24833 on the challenges of creative writing and co-author of the brilliant Achilles and Achilles 2.
"Women without mustaches are generally the best kind to date."
-Aman
“If you came to this page in hopes of learning something about me, you are boning up the wrong tree.”
- ISentinelPenguinI
“Location: 9/16ths of the way through the small intestine, Hobbies: Trying to excuse my "Location" stat, Age: Around 13.7 billion years”
- GMB13carat demonstrating the importance of ambiguity.
“Hobbies: Reading, writing and the occasional daydreaming. Likes: Doggies dressed as batties. Pet: Chenie Penny. She's going as a bat this Halloween!”
- cheniepenny demonstrating the importance of a unique personality for creative writing (though her work belongs firmly in the Chick-Lit section I personally think she is one of the best relatively-unknown authors on this site).
"GrottyStatute74 is a handsome (single), amazing, smart writer. He won 5 nobel prizes for his three greatest works: CYOS Exposed, Call Of Duty: Online, The Elder Scrolls: EXPOSED. None of these books sold for copyright reasons. Grotty was born in Jakarta (Indonesia) From a French father, and a Brazilian mother. For some reason he spoke Russian. After his first 15 years in Indonesia, he moved several times: Stockholm (Sweden), London (FancyTalkingLand), New York (NuclearDeathFastHollywodRichLand...ThoughThatDidn'tWorkForMe), Sydney (WeirdAccentLand). He currently lives in a basement somewhere on the north pole.“
- GrottyStatue74 telling the incredible true story about his life.
“Occupation: Writer, roleplayer, Emperor of the mighty Lords/Ladies of CYS Court, wolf god”
- DerpBacon’s rather impressive resume.
"Name: BenCrucifix, Location: England, Occupation: Lazy bum“
- Ben Crucifix’s wonderfully concise profile.
“Alright all you wenches, you've had your fun,
Now let Captain Kiel show you how it's really done.
All that's been said so far was well deserved,
But pull up a table, y'all all about to get served.
I'll begin with the member who started this disaster,
And just like Darth Vader, now I am your master.
Your rhymes are like you: pathetic, lame, and strange,
Your name may be coins, but you ain't ever gonna change.
Hey, Team Aman, don't you poor bastards know?
You got your asses kicked by Quiller one MONTH ago.
Tanstaafl and his team would've just taken over,
We crushed Feanor like a squirrel under a Range Rover.
Naruyashan, what are you, some sad ninja furry?
Your rhyme quality sure went downhill in a hurry.
Man, don't even try, you're better off if you just quit,
Or team tans'll kick your ass, yeah, you better "Believe it!"
You guys still can't hack it, better run in fear,
You've only got the Betaband, but I'm the Alpha Wolf here.“
- Interesting rap from Jibble’s Profile credited to Kiel_Farren.
“Quote #1, from a profile page In the words of the fabulous and attractive Kiel_Farren: "But you see ... I have no control over where my imagination wanders to, so while I'm trying to finish something over here, my imagination is frollicking in another chapter all the way over there. And I'm standing there going "Wait, stahp, come baaaaack! We need to work on this...!" And then it runs back, grabs all of my neat, lil', organized story plans, tosses them out the window going "wheeeee~" and runs away again, laughing maniacally."
Quote #2, from Homo Perfectus 8 "Anyone can get offended at anything. If I get offended at your shoe size, does that mean you have to cut your toes off....or something?" "Ehm...no." "Then why the hell does the fact that people get offended by stuff affect what I can and can't make fun of? I can make fun of anything I want, and if someone doesn't like it then they can kiss my lightning fast ass."
Quote #3, from a chatbox "So, BradinDvorak, how's Grendel?" "He's stricken with some unidentified gastric condition, if I'm not mistaken." "I blame JARS/TacocaT for that."
- Some wonderful quotes from TacocaT’s great profile page
Quiz of the Week
I quite like history because of all the crazy stuff that happens now you can bet someone did it bigger and crazier sometime in history. Whether it’s the guy who made his horse co-ruler of the Roman Empire, the woman who first decided it would be fun to go down Niagara Falls in a barrel or the Frenchman who decided the best way to see if his new parachute worked was to jump off the Eiffel Tower (spoiler alert: his parachute didn’t work) history is full of some real crazies. Can you spot the true facts from the Fiction?
- Flush from their victorious involvement in World War 1 the Australian Army promptly declared (and lost) a war against a fairly unusual opponent. Who was it?
A) Martians
B) The Canadians
C) Emus
- Which of these real life Presidential jokes almost caused a major International incident?
A) “If I don’t have a woman for three days I get a terrible headache” (John F Kennedy).
B) “Blessed are the young for they will inherit the National Debt“ (Herbert Hoover).
C) “My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I have just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes” (Ronald Reagan).
- In 1821 Greeks were fighting the Turkish for Greek Independence and running low on bullets the Turks began dismantling the marble columns of the Acropolis to melt into bullets. What did the Greeks send into their lines to get them to stop?
A) An Nuclear Warhead
B) Crates of Wine
C) Boxes of bullets
- The French Revolution was triggered when irate citizens stormed the National Prison of France, The Bastile, and freed a grand total of seven prisoners. Who was by far the strangest prisoner they freed?
A) OJ Simpson
B) The Prince of Wales, who was being held on embezzlement charges
C) A drunken Irish lunatic, who had literally no idea what was going on
- Following Russian Victory in World War 2 celebrations throughout the country caused the Russians to run out of an essential commodity. What was it?
A) Laughter
B) Cigarettes
C) Vodka
If you answered mostly A’s… History doesn’t seem to be your thing but don’t worry: the best thing about not knowing the mistakes of the past is that you get to repeat them so the next time someone urges you to do something ending with the words “Don’t worry, it’s 100% safe”, do it!
If you answered mostly B’s… you are aware of History in much the same way I am aware that I have a job but like me you don’t know very much about it. That’s ok because neither seem particularly relevant… let’s get back to Youtube ok?
If you answered mostly C’s… you really know your history (or you just know how this quiz works)! Be sure to read everything I’ve ever written and tell all your friends about it. If you have some free time and want to read some more funny facts check out the Random Section
A Big Thank You for ISentinelPenguinI for his interview this week.
Random Section - About the Quiz Answers
- Because Emus are very fast and surprisingly resistant to machine gun fire they were literally able to run circles around the desert vehicles sent after them. After firing 2500 rounds of ammunition in the first six days without killing a single Emu the Australian Army gave up and went home leaving the Emus to celebrate their victory.
- Reagan’s joke was caught on microphone, for some reason Communist Russia failed to see the funny side and promptly began scrambling fighters. Reagan’s joke is a good one but not as great as some other Presidential lines like “If you don’t know how to lie you’ll never get anywhere,” (Richard Nixon - true fact) or Warren Harding’s refreshingly honest observation “I’m not fit for this office and should never have been here.”
- Yep, the Greeks were gracious enough to supply their enemy with fresh ammunition to stop them damaging the Acropolis, in much the same way the RAF often missed the British lines and dropped fresh ammunition to the Germans in World War 2. They failed to reach the level of genius used by the Nationalist forces in the Spanish Civil War who dropped their ammunition with turkeys strapped to them instead of parachutes. Turkeys can’t fly but they can slow their descent by trying and the friendly soldiers on the ground get to eat the turkey after it has landed or splattered.
- History is full of drunk Irishman cropping up in unusual places. My personal favorite is a drunk Irish sailor on the Titanic who drained a bottle of gin in one gulp, promptly toppled over a railing and landed in a lifeboat that had just been lowered. Though he wasn’t Irish, baker Charles Burgess also got amazingly drunk, stood on the stern of the Titanic until it sank and then spent four hours bobbing about the Atlantic Ocean before being rescued without any bad side effects at all (inspiring Rose and Jack’s famous scene with the big door).
- The Russians consumed practically their entire national supply of vodka while celebrating the end of World War 2 and it took weeks (or months in some places) to replenish their supplies. The Russians incidentally, rather dourly, invented “the dog suicide bomber” by strapping a timed explosive to dogs and trying to get them to run under German tanks, unfortunately as the dogs had been trained with Russian tanks the first time they were used in action hundreds of exploding dogs forced an entire Armored Division of the Red Army to retreat. As one German commander put it “We were a little surprised by what was happening”.
(Germans are famous for being military professionals and the only time they slipped up was in World War One when they captured the town of Champagne and most of France’s alcohol supply. The advance was stalled for three days).
