THE REAL REASON HANNIBAL LOST THE BATTLE OF ZAMA
The great Carthaginian general Hannibal surveyed the dusty plains of Zama from his vantage point atop a hilly crest. Below him sprawled the mighty Carthaginian army - ten thousand ferocious warriors whose courage and savagery had made them the triumphant conquerors of Rome. Hordes of vicious beasts: lions, elephants, and rhinos stomped eagerly as they awaited the impending battle, the taste of bloody death already in their mouths. Hannibal's prized African Cavalry stood resplendent in their shining armour as the sun rose slowly but inevitably over the distant mountains.
Squinting through the orange rays, Hannibal discerned an undulating mass of red and silver emerging from the lifeless desert that stretched before him. Soon we shall meet, Nemesis, Hannibal said to himself as he wondered what the scourge of Carthage, Scipio Africanus, would look like. He turned expectantly to the ancient soothsayer who came hobbling up the rocky path behind him.
"How goes the augury old man?" asked Hannibal anxiously. The usually confident commander was desperate for a favourable omen, for recent tidings in the capital Carthage had given him cause for grave concern. An edict had arrived from the King only two days earlier that had stripped the once supreme general of his absolute authority over the army. He was now ordered to consult a civilian body, the Carthaginian Committee Responsible for Warfare (CCRW), for advice on tactical military decisions.
The soothsayer hesitated. He had served the general faithfully for many years. A great burden lay upon his heart and he sighed.
"Sir, the Gods present an omen that is...favourable," was the reluctant reply. The old man retreated hastily from the crest.
Hannibal exhaled deeply. The furrowed brow that had dominated his visage for days eased into an expression of relief, then scorn. This CCRW is of no concern, he convinced himself. I shall control those ignorant fools and I shall crush Rome. He withdrew from the crest.
Hannibal marched purposefully towards the collection of characterless faces that stared at him as he approached the makeshift committee headquarters.
"The Romans are approaching," he mentioned casually to the group, "I'm going to join the forces on the frontline. You stay here and write your ‘reports’.”
A thin, severe-looking woman dressed in grey and holding a black dossier shot a withering glance towards Hannibal.
"Very well," the woman replied warily, "Proceed to the battleground post haste but be sure to inform the Committee of all strategic command decisions. Mr Fidel has been assigned as courier to monitor progress and to carry dispatches. Remember, insubordination and failure to follow Committee protocols will not be tolerated."
"Oh, I'll remember," Hannibal sneered contemptuously to himself as he mounted his steed and rode off towards the battle lines. I'll remember your insolence. Soon my forces will crush the Romans and I shall, once again, be the glorious conqueror. Then I will crush you all.
As Hannibal reached the front line the Roman army was nearing striking distance. The courier drew up next to the general and surveyed the scene before him. The young man demanded Hannibal send a request for orders to the CCRW.
Hannibal: Roman attack imminent. Request permission to commence elephant charge.
CCRW: Request pending. Concerned about composition of animal charging party. Discrimination against other members of the animal kingdom. Suggest alternate species be located to alleviate elephant favouritism.
Hannibal: Have located 88 zebra, 14 lions, and 74 antelope. Request permission for animal charge.
CCRW: Request granted.
Hannibal: Problems encountered during animal charge. Lions killed several antelope. Antelope stampeded, and terrified elephants trampled prized African cavalry. Advise.
CCRW: Consider engaging infantry.
Hannibal: Request permission to engage elite African infantry division.
CCRW: Request denied. Important to follow Committee guidelines on quota restrictions. Infantry force must comprise 20% XX Chromosome genotypes, 10% non -African ethnic minorities, 20% mentally and/or physically challenged persons (including vertically challenged persons, persons with challenged perception of reality, persons with challenged ambulatory skills).
Hannibal: Problems encountered in organisation and outfitting of infantry division. Dwarves are tripping over their tunic hems; women are complaining that tunics are inappropriate and of sexual harassment from other soldiers; paranoid schizophrenics are convinced that Roman carrier pigeons are hidden in their leather jerkins; and cripples are encountering difficulties in hopping through the sand. Please advise.
CCRW: Sarcastic tone detected in previous report. Insolence will not be tolerated. Failure to meet Committee guidelines effectively noted and recorded in your personal file. If difficulties encountered, appoint interim committee to address grievances. Meanwhile, continue with battle.
Hannibal: Infantry division has engaged Roman battleline...finally. Permission to commence wholesale slaughter of Roman soldiers urgently requested.
CCRW: Permission granted on the proviso that background checks be carried out on Roman individuals to assess suitability to be rendered life-challenged.
Hannibal: Opportunity to inflict extensive casualties has passed. Slaughter of Roman infantry rendered impossible due to enemies' long histories of early childhood trauma, lack of social skills and lack of access to educational materials. In accordance with Committee guidelines, a vote was carried out with a consensus indicating that a slap on the wrist and the suggestion of group counseling would be more beneficial than slaughter. Stalemate has been reached. Please advise.
Hannibal soon spotted Fidel rushing toward him down an embankment.
"Where's the latest dispatch?" inquired the general with an unmistakable note of urgency in his voice.
"There isn't one," replied the rider bluntly. "The Committee is on its morning coffee break.”
"Coffee break!" cried the disbelieving warlord. "But my men are dying!"
Fidel stared blankly back. "It's against regulations to work all morning without a break," was all he intoned.
The general threw his arms aloft in despair as he looked at the carnage and destruction around him. His once magnificent army, now without orders, became engulfed in chaos and was cut down in the confusion. The Romans spared their bitter enemies no quarter; dwarves, cripples, women and antelope alike; all cut down in a frenzied orgy of slaughter.
"But the old man said I was favoured!" the general cried as if to the heavens.
"How could you let this happen?" Fidel demanded suddenly.
"How could I let this happen?" was the startled, indignant reply. "I didn't let this happen, it's the fault of your cursed committee, your insane quotas, your, your... insanity! You and your committee will hang from the ramparts of Carthage for what you've done, I'll make sure of it.” He raised his clenched fist with conviction.
There was a strange, prolonged silence.
"I don't quite think so," replied the courier slowly.
Hannibal looked puzzled.
"You just don't get it do you," he sneered suddenly, "You're either with us or against us. Your seer was with us. Oh pretty soon you'll come to understand that there is no middle ground. You're either with us or you're dead," he said with a note of finality.
The young rider then produced the black dossier from his jerkin that Hannibal had seen the Committee secretary holding. He turned towards his horse and tossed the document to the confused general as he mounted the steed.
"You might have believed you would eventually be defeated by the sword of your enemy but I think you are about to read that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword you poor misguided fool."
With a triumphant shout Fidel pivoted his horse and raced off towards the distant Committee column that was in full retreat across the dusty plains.
Hannibal peered slowly at the black dossier that he now held in his hands. In gold on the cover was stencilled `In Case of Failure'. The dejected warrior untied the strap and unfolded the leather.
CCRW: Failure to attain decisive victory over Roman invaders noted and attributed solely to poor leadership. A noted unwillingness to conform to Committee protocols and guidelines, a continuing belief in a hierarchical leadership structure, an inability to effectively network and delegate in a group leadership system and obvious difficulties in meeting quota restrictions - all these faults were instrumental in causing the rout of our army. From this moment onwards the once distinguished general Hannibal is formally stripped of office and henceforth banned from ever entering the city of Carthage again by order of the Carthaginian Committee Responsible for Warfare.
The once proud and mighty warlord took one more look at the devastation that lay around him. He mounted his horse and fled the dusty plains of Zama.
Rome, unencumbered by committees, went on to conquer most of the known world. Carthage became insignificant and Hannibal? Certain rumours circulated of a new adviser to Roman Military Operations - a certain Hannibalius Anticommitticus - but this was never proven. One thing remained true however - never again did Hannibal set foot in the city of Carthage.
