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jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Was wanting some feedback on rather my hook is any count:

 

 

You are a small time boxer named Jay that has never lost a fight in your life,and your the only one that knows why. Or so you thought.

 

In this story you will take an adventure with Jay finding out just how far you can take your powers. 

Could it be a mutation, a spider bite, maybe that your some kind of alien from space.

...or maybe its something a little more demonic

Avery_Moore

Hows my hook

3 years ago
I preferred the one with Dustin Hoffman, but I like it. ^_^
jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Thanks ^-^

Ogre11

Hows my hook

3 years ago
"rather my hook is any count." Well rather it is or it isn't may not be the key portion of this question. Wait, is this a question? But even if it's not, we will see rather it is or not being a hook thing. So you appear to have asked about your hook, but I'm not sure you showed us a hook in that statement. Is this a special kind of fishing hook? I mean, they're normally J-shaped when you're going fishing, from what I've seen, but I'm no professional fisherman or anything like that, so I don't know how many different shapes of J-shaped fishing hooks people use when they fish for Count Chocula. But since you're asking about rather your hook is any count, I'm guessing you're not specifically asking about Count Chocula, you're clearly asking if your hook is rather than any count, like the Count of Monte Crisco. And Crisco works good when you use it for it's intended purpose, but is also works good when you use it for... "other" things. It is good and slipperly and it actually tend turn burn well as well, especially if you throw it in a well without water in it. Does that help?
Northwind

Hows my hook

3 years ago
Ha, he only wrote three lines and you mention shortening?
jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Yea, i found this whole skit to be pretty funny. Looks like something i would do

Ogre11

Hows my hook

3 years ago
Oh, but as for the rest of the post... It sounds like the idea isn't fully developed, or it is rather huge. When you ask the questions about the apparent source of your power, are you asking the reader, presuming that it is one of those things, but you can only find out if you read the story? Or are you asking me, the random forum person, which of those things it should be? Or are you saying that in the story it may be any of those things because there are huge massive paths that can lead you to each one of those possibilities (or maybe short paths, I don't know). As a hook, it leaves me slightly confused. The premise seems fine, and the mystery around the source of the power for the boxer is interesting. If those options are all possibilities in the story, I'd make that more clear, something along the lines of, "Based on your choices, you will find out if it is a mutation..."
jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Ok thanks, i normally have the problem of having to go back over everything i write and add details or try to make sense of it. Ill try to work out what im wanting the story to be

Mizal

Hows my hook

3 years ago
Just looking at this as though it were a description that popped up on a storygame, being completely honest I'd be preparing to just skim it on my phone for the free point.

I can't say anything about this pitch particularly grabbed my attention, except that there's just enough here to indicate the story would have me tripping over constant punctuation problems.

Nothing wrong with the basic idea, but you are correct about the 'hook' and first impressions of any story being the most important thing for setting expectations.
jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Ok, thank you, ive never been good at getting people hyped so ill have to work on that quite a bit.

 

Ill try to make sure that the next version is some kind of exciting, and ill work on the punctuation; problems as well i suppose.if i must

Mizal

Hows my hook

3 years ago
Am I being trolled...?
jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Huh, who, what?

Shadowdrake27

Hows my hook

3 years ago

well, I'm sorry that I'm late. Traffic was terrible. 

I don't think "or so you thought" is a complete sentence. There is also an "and" smashed against the comma (just a missing space).

Is the main character named Jay? Also, am I the main character? This description implies that "I" and "Jay" are two different people to me. If that is what you intended, that is fine. However, your description says that I am Jay. 

Starting a sentence is an ellipse is strange (an ellipse is the three periods in a row). Usually that symbol replaces a period or comma, but you have it at the start of a paragraph. I would connect that to the previous sentence. 

That is my quick take. This also reads like a story description or teaser rather than a hook. To me, a hook is something interesting or exciting that happens early in the story to draw the reader in. A hook makes the reader want to keep reading your story. A description gives them a general idea what it is about so they can decide to read it (or not).

 

 

jfj241

Hows my hook

3 years ago

Yea, im going to have to work on the way I write. I like to write the same way i think in my head, which is retarded i assume.

I also normally have to go back over everything i write about 10 times before it makes any since so ill have to make sure i make it clear your not personally jay.

Thank you for your feedback