Hey everyone. I'm creating a new story on this site about a man who, in his last 5 seconds of life, wonders if he could've saved his and his daughter's life. The daughter part would be more in the actual story, but here's the introduction.
"Two men in heavy police armor jostled me around, shouting various slurs and insults my way. I have hundreds of cuts and bruises and scrapes on my arms. They did this to me. I feel weak and close to death, but that's because death really is close to me.
They've been talking about executing the prisoners for a long time now. Ever since they stormed my hometown, ever since they ripped my life to shreds, ever since they captured the only family I had left, they've been making remarks about how we were going to die.
'These worthless peons are ruining our country. They deserve to die,' one soldier would remark. 'All that's left is to decide how to kill 'em.'
'We should shoot them, like the Russians. Like, really get in there, y'know?' The other would say.
'No, gas them. It's non-interventional, plus they scream a lot.'
'Well I personally want to get my hands dirty. They deserve it.'
Even when we were in the barracks, working hard labor for months, they talked about it. They apparently tried a lot of different methods. Sometimes, they would call a prisoner down to the administration and we'd never see him again. God knows what they did to them there. I was lucky enough to not be one of those people.
But that could only last so long.
Today, I heard them shout my name while we were working. Trembling, I walked up to the soldiers, who told me that the administration wanted to see me. My knees felt weak and I began shivering. I knew what was going on. When I got to the offices, I saw the labor commander standing near the entrance. He saw me and pointed me out to two guards, who approached with menacing stares.
'Come with us,' One of them said with a stoic expression. My legs couldn't move.
'Did you hear me?' He shouted. 'Get moving!' I slowly began to walk towards them. I followed the two to a building I hade never been in before. The entire time, they didn't say anything.
Eventually I got to a room. I saw a large vat in the room filled with a liquid. Water? I thought. Are the going to drown me? Upon closer inspection, however, I saw something that shook me to my very core.
The vat said 'hydrochloric acid' on the side.
In horror, I turned and tried to run away. If I died today, I would die from a bullet shot, or being beat to death, but I would not slowly be corroded by acid.
The men shouted at me to return, but I kept running. However, I was too slow. They caught up to me and grabbed me by the back of my head. One of them turned me around and slapped me with such force I thought I might die. If only.
Which leads us to right here, right now. I sit at the very top of the platform above the vat as one of the soldiers places his foot on my back, ready to kick my into the pool where I will die. It's a monumental moment, really. The very last moments of my life are upon me. The thoughts I think right now are the last thoughts I'll ever have.
And all that comes to mind is my daughter."
I'm looking for constructive criticism on this because I want to make this story as enjoyable as possible.