Entry into End Master's Manifest Destiny Contest (2021).

A stand-alone sequel to: Elvis At The Beauty Contest.

Join Miz, Matt, and Mandy as Madame Coon recounts the tale of the Capi's band and their missing instruments!

"Know thy enemy and know yourself;"

- Sun Tzu

Featured Reviews 2/2

1. Hues of Infection
2. The Lord of the Rings: the Sundered Kingdom

Story C

Maybe it's just me, but I think reduced ellipses use might be an easy way to improve the writing. (Their impact is stronger if not overused -- I also suggest keeping a consistent length, no need for four dots instead of three).

Then again, I was in the ellipses thread not long ago, so I might just be scarred. Still, while I can forgive the kid for using them, did you have to end the story with ellipses?

The ending felt conclusive, which is good. There's a message too! Emotions are present as well!

Keep at it! Biggest thing I recommend is to read more alongside writing more. Not a unique tip, and it can probably apply to me as well, but there's a reason 'read more' is popular advice for writers, aha.

Story D

The Zebra God reveal felt weak, because it felt like exposition. I wonder if you could reword this to be a bigger moment. A bit more of back and forth might work? Or, maybe introduce the Zebra God when they show up, and till then leave it nebulous (tho easily inferred).

Humour is hard to write, and I'm not the best judge of it, but I can say the style was consistent. I wonder if a gradual descent into madness would work better, not that this didn't have an escalation of its own.

Driving all the way home from Africa was weird, ruined my suspension of disbelief a little. The ending is also odd saying 'black or white' when the Zebra God called you out as specifically as 'NEITHER WHITE NOR BLACK', but this is beginning to be nitpicking.

Good job on having a message! Ending was also conclusive, but it didn't feel paced well to me. Maybe a little sudden? Or perhaps the all caps rubbed me the wrong way.

I believe that, with a lot of careful consideration, this could be a very funny and good story if it were written with a lot of thought and profound insight, but alas, I don't feel this is the case. Still, good job on writing it.

Vote

My vote is for Story C. If both story's were written with a lot of thought and profound insight, I think I'd still like C more. But who cares about that, because currently, I still like it more. Good job to both contestants for submitting something (tho more of a good job to one of them than the other, but I won't say who)!

Story A

I like it. I also like to have tall expectations for short stories, so my main critique is about the ending.

If the short story ends with me wanting to read more, that is certainly far from bad, but I'd much rather it have a satisfying ending (which I admit is hard to do).

I wonder if there is a way to frame it so it lingers more on Yelas' emotions, making that the focus of the ending as opposed to the question of if he'll succeed. By ending with the brand, the magic homing signal, and potential of succeeding, my thoughts move to thinking about how the story could be longer.

Ending with a focus on something more intangible, like emotions, or a message about self-sacrifice for the greater good (or whatever else you prefer) would potentially make for a stronger ending.

Then again, I'm hardly the one to talk up themes and messages when I barely think about them during my own writing (if at all). Still, I think this is the best thing for me to offer up as critique.

Story B

At the mention of 10,000 monster trucks, I was getting ready to complain about tone or choice of comparison, but then the capybaras struck.

So, ignoring that reaction, once I started comparing the two, I quickly realised something. I love dialogue! Give me dialogue! This was good dialogue.

Anyway, the ending for Story B felt stronger to me. The pills turning them into capybara's wasn't too surprising, but I was expecting it to be poison (so I could complain), so what we got instead is much preferred. Tone was handled well actually, far as I can tell now that I've read it all.

Vote

So, I vote for Story B. What feels like a more conclusive ending + more dialogue is why, but Story A was still good, and maybe I would've even voted for it if I was in a different mood (who knows). Good work to both contestants!

I can relate to some of this.

Consider and observe the structure of these three options:

• "What I mean is that ellipses overuse is annoying."
• "What I essentially mean is that ellipses overuse is annoying."
• "Ellipses overuse is annoying."

You are right that the last one would read as most confident. However, anything you post, you think. It is implied -- so safely omitted. The last option has the 'I think' section unsaid, but if you're reading it in a post someone made, it is a safe bet that they think that.

This means you can cut all the 'I think's (and variants of) from your posts without losing much, if anything. Of course, reader interpretation will matter too, and in some cases it can be worth stressing that it is merely your thoughts (I still often do it for feedback posts/reviews, but I used to do it a lot more).

Then it can end up being a tool for exaggeration instead of just white noise. If you're always saying that 'you think' something, it becomes filler text.

Oh, and if you don't think something, you can clarify that instead.

• "I heard that ellipses overuse is annoying."

As for ellipses use, I'm of the belief that they're strongest when used sparingly, since then they'll have more impact. If you use them a lot in your story, then this impact I perceive will quickly fade, and I'll be left with a more difficult story to read (comma's are less intrusive to my reading).

I'm happy enough to view it as a stylistic choice, but I'd probably mention it as a point of potential improvement.

Finally, overthinking posts/texts is a whole thing, but my advice would be to consider the stakes. Most often they are very low or even non-existent, in which case you ought to forgive yourself for making them imperfect.

That said, I still write up 'jokes' that I decide are unfunny and then . . . don't post/send. It's normal enough to think about what you post, after all (I think).

Compared to the Review Competition this certainly has a bigger prize pool, aha. Trophies are serious business! Still, reading is hard.

Procrastinating writing by reading, and procrastinating reading by writing, might be a good approach to take by those in the contest.

I think if I manage two featured reviews I might have a shot at first, second, or third (but happy to be proven wrong, aha).

Funnily enough my first (published) storygame was a coauthored one. Alas, I'm not currently looking to coauthor another (too many projects would murder me).

Coauthoring is generally not looked on too fondly around here, but like pretty much anything writing related, it can work. Then again, in some ways it can just add more points of failure. What if you don't lose motivation but your coauthor does?

As such, my advice is setting expectations early and maintaining clear communications. Working towards some kind of deadline isn't a bad idea either.

The general advice of keeping the scope in check and starting small still applies.

Good luck with it! Ford is a valued member of the community who has shared some good stories in the past. Would be great to see what you two can cook up!

It is all about variety. This way, failure will bring the sting of disappointment alongside the expected ridicule!

Link to Sherb's profile for additional reading.

When a game has sneak peak enabled, anyone can read it. Default site behaviour is that there is no direct link, but because story titles make up the link, you can just write it out.

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/Chaos's%20Game

If you turned off sneak peak I couldn't access it.

As for the rest of the post, name explanation makes sense, and the prelude plan alleviates my concerns (mostly). Just be sure to write!

Scope seems much more manageable, but it still won't write itself, so be sure to put in the time.

It can be interesting to see how folk interpret site lore -- and it is ironic that the people who didn't give character ideas freely will now become story characters instead -- I say, have fun with it!

One page is not much to judge, but even this early I can say that the writing itself is not making me want to die, so if you finish the story I imagine you'll avoid the SHAME pit. (Let's pretend matching Malk is totally optional).

I do question if you picked the best starting point, since the description mentions AshenArc (should this be two words?), but instead you're starting with [Order] and [Chaos]. I'm just worried you'll go on introducing all these Gods and it'll come across like heavy handed exposition (getting the reader invested first tends to work best for making exposition interesting).

If you're just introducing the two it's probably fine. That's enough judging for only one page.

Oh, do consider reading some of End Master's stories (if you've got the time). Being his contest, it isn't a horrible idea to see what he wrote, even if writing to a judge's taste is not mandatory (but even then, it can still give you ideas, and the stories are worth reading regardless).

Good luck!