Mercer Gang

Haven’t read any stories in a while, here is some feedback for you.
CONTENT: 4
:) The story had a solid plot line without major plot holes. Most of the events were engaging and you made some effort to show each gang member as a person rather than just the gang as a whole. Not every scene was expected so some thought was definitely put into making the story interesting.
:| Some of the scenes were a bit rushed. You could describe the battles a bit more (although you already did a good job on that). I understand that you want to make it a 2 part story but considering the length is 3/8 you could combine them to make the story feel complete.

LANGUAGE: 3
:) You made some effort in describing the details of each battle and talked about the same event from different perspectives through the newspaper.
:| The grammar and punctuation definitely wasn’t up to standard for a story. I would recommend working on that or ask someone to help you phrase it better. While the story itself was alright, the way it was written made it difficult to follow. You could also add little details on how outlaws talk (not foul language, just more rough) since now their language seems very civil and polite.

BRANCHING AND GAMEPLAY: 4
:) There were a decent amount of choices throughout the story, such as whether to kill or let the sheriff live, which altered the news reports, and it was fun to see how it changes some details of the story.
:| While there were choices, most of them did not affect how the story played out and had minimal effects on the plot.

OVERALL: 4/8 I see mercer gang returns is already in the making. Hope you can make the improvements necessary and I look forward to the 2nd part!

Now this is my kind of story! :D Obviously, the grammar, punctuation and spelling are messy so I recommend you get a proof-reader or two to go through your next story to help you correct the mistakes before publishing. I liked the very specific time and place, though more could have been done to describe the historical setting, and I like that we did all the outlaw things like stagecoach, bank and train robberies and gunfights (good ticking of all the boxes here). The gunfights were slightly glossed over and could have been described in more detail.

I’m not sure if it is necessary to have 11 characters (unless you are planning to kill a few off) and none really stand out as individuals (for some reason I’m reminded of the Dwarves in The Hobbit). I like that the lawman nicely asked me to please not commit any more crimes. As an outlaw this laidback approach to policing is a big help! I also like how I do roll-calls just to make sure everyone is ok with continuing to be an outlaw. It’s nice to be democratic.

I don’t think it was necessary to divide the story into chapters or to make this into multiple parts as it isn’t that long. It’s not necessary to put a save option immediately before the ending of the story. Though the story is pretty realistic and reads like something that could have happened, with all the dates, places and participants, in places it’s pretty general (this person got shot but was ok, this other one said sorry for shooting someone). This story could benefit from more descriptions, especially in the gunfights or dramatic moments, and the individual characters given a little more personality. None of the Mercer gang was killed, they just get shot and recover, so losing a comrade or two could help to create some dramatic tension.

There is also unclear motivation for the outlaws. Obviously, they are robbing to get the money but what do they spend the money on? We’re not told how much money they steal and as a financially-motivated gang leader this is something I’d like to know. The story is also a bit linear without much branching so I’d recommend having the option to sit out certain robberies or crimes or go with different gang members to do different crimes or other stuff (as you have so many characters).

Overall, this is an enthusiastic first effort but proof readers would definitely help make your next story more legible. Also, either a plot or greater dramatic tension in the dangers faced and losses suffered by the characters would help increase the readers’ interest. You could work out a whole timeline or series of events to happen to them and possibly introducing a love interest or more historical context would broaden the story a little more. You’ve picked a fun genre to write in though and obviously have an enthusiasm for writing so well done and good luck in your next story.

It was an interesting story, and a good effort for a first time.

I'm pretty interested in the Wild West and the history of that time period. I like that you had multiple characters, and it was fun to see what adventures Klay and his friends would go on.

I like the setting of Russellville Kentucky, and how the time period 1896 seems accurate, especially since Jesse James died in 1882, so it's definitely possible that these kids would know of his death and see him as a folk hero.

The premise of the story is quite simple: Klay Mercer and his friends are sixteen year olds bored with regular life and enchanted with the lifestyle of outlaws from the Wild West.

The outlaws rob banks, put sheriffs at gunpoint, and have a galore of gunfights, but the best part of the story is the reference to the 1896 movie, the great train robbery, also the first movie ever made.

There was a lot of action. It was very fast-paced, as it should be. The bank robbery scene was cool. Also, the branching could be better, but it was ok for a first time. There were choices like whether you want to kill the sheriff or not, and depending on that, the newspaper you read changes. Nice touch.

Drawbacks:

the spelling and grammar needs some work. It's hard to understand what the author is saying unless you make an effort to ignore the SPAG issues, but once you do, you get a nice delightful Wild West story that's pretty fun. There's also 10 chapters. I am impressed with how the author made a great wild-west story, and I just want to say, keep writing! It's an interesting fun story, that once reworked and all the grammar/spelling mistakes are fixed, would no doubt be a great story. I'm sure the sequel will be cool, and I can't wait to see what the Mercer gang does next!

I had a fun time reading this.

Just...how many sheriffs are there?

No, seriously. I can't really say I'm that familiar with the Wild West as a fictional or historical setting, but at one point, there seemed to be an entire posse of Sheriffs, and I was left wondering exactly where they were all coming from.

I have to be honest, I was expecting a lot from this storygame, given the constant references to Mercer Gang. And, sadly, I was disappointed.

First of all - I wouldn't have given this storygame a 1 in maturity rating. Considering the amount of people getting shot (though all of them seemed to shake off those wounds...what is with that?), and the fact that one character is potentially shot multiple times and left for dead, it really feels like the rating should be higher...even though none of the characters seemed really harmed by being shot. And speaking of the characters...I felt there were far too many of them. And none of them were really developed. One of them does end up getting killed, but because I didn't really manage to connect to the characters emotionally, I didn't really care about the one who died. I would suggest lowering the amount of characters, and taking the time to develop them. What do they like and dislike? How do they see themselves? How do other people see them?

This storygame also switched tenses and voices...a lot. It seemed to start out that it was written from the perspective of Clay...but kept slipping into third person perspective, which was unfortunately really jarring to try and read. There were a lot of errors in the writing, enough to keep pulling me out of the plot, and I would strongly suggest having a proofreader/editor read through.

There were quite a few choices, which was nice, although most of them didn't seem to have much of an impact on the plot. Having said that, it was good to see how the news reports changed based on whether the sheriff was killed or instead shot multiple times and left for dead. I do think that the shootout where one of the characters is killed could have affected more of the storygame, since there is the option just to run and not have a shootout.

I also found the dates to be really confusing. Some of the events seemed to be happening earlier than they should have been...and I really didn't feel that the whole summary of events at the beginning was necessary.

All told, I think this storygame had a lot of potential, but I felt it fell short of my expectations. I would like to see a longer version of this, with more developed characters and a more cohesive storyline. I'm aware that there was a sequel in the works, and if it is written, I hope it will be longer, with more detail about the characters and their relationships with each other.

Outlaw life is so awesome I want to live on western times

Awsome story i love the crime and outlaw life

NeonCatYT says they're dyslexic, and I get it, but the story was made in two days. Even a day of running it through a spellchecker would've made this a 7/8 rather than the four I gave it. Very nice, though. I look forward to the next one.

MERCER GANG

MERCER GANG IN THE HOUSE

Firstly I just want to say that the story has an intriguing flow to it as it made me want to read to the end. I believe that you could've separate the group to have more memorable conversations and relationships. I notice that when a member gets injured it doesn't impact the story badly or make me care about the character. Apart from the grammar mistakes, you did a great job with the action sequences so I gave it a 4/8.