...In Love And War

Thank you for your effort. I will try to not be rude in this short critique. The story was a bit entertaining, but not in the typical way.

Tyson comes across as a child who doesn't understand boundaries. I understand he is the love interest, but remember, he is my fiance's brother, too. Tyson clearly lacks respect for me and his brother because even after 5 years of me being with his brother, he still kisses me against my wishes and tries to get me to "love" him, and he still has his head in an event that happened 5 years ago. I tried to suspend my disbelief as far as I could, ignoring the characters' history and just looking at things in the present. Well, the lead-up to him asking if I loved him was not romantic. Our dynamic was referred to as mother and baby and then the way he would talk to me seemed kinda childish.

If the goal was to make Tyson a creep and immature, you succeeded. I did have some laughs, and I would read more of your work.

If you want Tyson to be more desirable, then I would suggest giving him more desirable traits. By default, most people will stay loyal and not wanna cheat on their fiance. The description did not say I would be playing the role of a cheating fiance, so when I went into this story, I kept to my default of being a faithful partner. Maybe have a beginning chapter showing that the relationship with the fiance is strained or that Isaac has some bad character flaw that would make people consider leaving him. But because of the war, you can't talk about your relationship yet. Then when you have to take care of Tyson, have Tyson be your shoulder to cry on (as an option). He can comfort you and be there for you. Have Tyson provide what Isaac failed to provide. He can be funny, affectionate, charming. Anything. Don't have Tyson bring up the event that happened 5 years ago. At least not how it turned up in my playthrough (we went for a walk and he took me there.) Maybe have me keep a memento from that day or maybe he tells me something on that day and I bring it up. Show that my character hasn't moved on from that day instead of Tyson. Tyson holding onto love for a woman he rescued 5 years ago, knowing I was in a relationship, is creepy and immature. Even if I'm the love of his life, he should still have respect, so I would be able to see him as a romantic partner.

Since I'm taking care of him, maybe give me the option to make him his favorite food (something he told me about 5 years ago) or something else. If I make his favorite food, he sees I still care about him. Give my character options to show that Tyson still holds a special place in my heart. That way when kissing starts happening, it's established that my character might already want it.

I hope I wasn't mean with my feedback. This can be a very good story with some slight edits. And I genuinely did have a few laughs while playing, so I did have some fun, which I think the point of these stories is to have fun.

I don't really have much to say about this one besides it gives me a lot of 'Little Women' vibes with more romance and less coming of age/finding oneself. Unfortunately, the romance wasn't much and it was hard for me to keep engaged.

Here's what I noticed that didn't quite work for me: Way more tell and not enough show, the first choice didn't matter much because Tyson kissed you either way, we're just kinda dropped into this love affair, needed more character development, more sensory details would've helped some, and the ending was probably meant to be climactic but really fell flat. Let's break all that down some. What I meant by more tell/not show is that this entire story is essentially just info dumps and dialogue. Don't just say Tyson has a messed up hand, describe that hand when he's at the house in bed for example. Also, I don't mind the first choice not altering the story much but when the allure of the choice is to have Tyson kiss you or not, you shouldn't have had him kiss the main character no matter what you picked. Essentially its okay if some choices lead to the same page, but make sure they at least differ in flavor. Illusion of choice is important too! This is coupled with the fact that we're dropped into this story without any time to get attached to these characters. Starting immediately can be done well, but in this sort of story I think a slow burn approach is much more preferable in order to get the proper emotional attachment to the characters- which is needed to enjoy a romance story such as this. Tyson or Isaac, it really wouldn't make a difference but do remember I can only speak for my own view of this story. The ending is definitely supposed to be this huge, climactic encounter between our character and Tyson but it really kind of boils down to a man being unrightfully pushy to someone whose shown him loads of leeway and politeness. This really falls flat for me, even though I know that a lot of love stories can come off very.. rapey? Maybe if this story had loads more character development this wouldn't be the case but frankly we don't spend enough time getting to know them for that to be the case. It's just obsession on Tyson's side by the end and that's not particularly attractive. Yet, the most important thing that I can criticize is the lack of sensory details. There is a sentence or two peppered throughout the story but for the most part it is very bland. Describe the environments! How did that beach smell while the storm was brewing? What did the bed sheets feel like after waking up from the dream of Isaac? Those small additions would make everything exponentially more clear and easy to visualize.

Now, I did enjoy the story. As mentioned above, it reminded me of a classic story that actually is one of my favorites from school. This is a very strong premise and one that is almost timeless given how war is a constant. That means you can absolutely reach people going through similar situations! When writing, reaching an audience is absolutely the main goal and this has that potential. I think with some polishing this story could be really good and something I'd recommend. Until then, though, this needs some work and if you ever see this, please update this! I, at least, would give it another read.

The premise and even the outline of the story was good, but I found the execution lacking. I've been wanting to read a romance storygame that was more plot heavy and was less about one person's great love for another. I would have been interested in a proper love triangle. I felt as if the development of the woman's relationship with the brothers was not nearly developed enough to make a definitive choice. If the end choice was also meant to be a difficult decision, the story did not build up to that well. If not, than I think Tyson's courtship could have been more likeable, instead of pushy. Not having a clear idea of Issac's character did not help, either. In order for this story to work, there needed to be that emotional weight, which I could not get.

That being said, while I was not fond of the execution, the overall story was solid, made good use of conflict, and the setup was perfect and logical. The series of events that happen are reasonable and make sense. I could believe any of these scenarios could happen. While I do have some personal issues with how light of a read this was, everything you wrote was important. There wasn't anything superfluous. This story was by no means a bad one, but I wouldn't say it was one of the greats, either.

I wish there was a way that no one got hurt

I loved this it is now my favorite story game

good

This is not the worst, it was certainly interesting. I do wish that the ending was a little different, but over all it was nice

I didn't like how Tyson's love felt a but forced I understand it is difficult when the person you love doesn't give it back but take it down a notch. So dissapointing he ended up as drunkard.. too but I'm a faithful woman. Hehe.

it was good but short, I'ma replay it lol I wasn't expecting to die

Nice but could really need IMPROVEMENT