Player Comments on A Hero is Born..

We will first go through the good parts of the story. The prose was all right, the paragraphs were not too long or too short. I did appreciate that the story was quite readable. There was some interesting worldbuilding in here with the odd punishment you will get when you harm one of the members of the black hand.

Now to the parts that obviously need some improvements.
I spotted some spelling mistakes; obviously how you had written "prolouge" in the beginning. The mistakes weren't as glaring that I was visibly annoyed by it. Next time you could maybe ask another person to proofread it after you had done so.

One thing that I really dislike is the whole "infodumping your audience about your world from the very first page" part. I know that a lot of stories do that to shortcut integrating these worldbuilding parts in the actual narrative, so I wouldn't say it is particularly bad to do so. However, revealing the world and giving small pieces of detail one at a time can really bring a story like this to another level.

On particular parts of the story, this tendency to drop tons of worldbuilding and character backstories at once was really glaring during the childhood part and Sparrow's whole backstory. I know, telling the players what the whole deal is about your characters is easy and quick, but the reason why a lot of people get attached to characters are the small little moments.

For your story the small little moments could be: small moments of Raven's childhood, helping her father and mother with chores around the house, practicing how to fight with the bronzen dagger. With these little moments, it is easier to cement their personality. The same could be applied for sparrow. You could make her not trust you easily, so you need to convince her why she definitely should. Based on how you act towards her, she will reveal different parts of herself. In that way, there will be no need to infodump the information to us.

Now to the characters:

Pollux
He was obviously supposed to be the main antagonist in the story. I like the fact that he was a little bit of an asshole. One thing that threw me off was the fact that you included a sudden POV switch in the story. POV switches are not necessarily bad, but this one wasn't really necessary. It basically tells the reader why Pollux hates Raven so much, but the reader can kind off assume the reason why based of their previous encounter. So you could delete that part and the reader would know just as much about his motivations.

Sparrow
I know that this is the first installment, so I will try to be charitable on this character. To be honest, she felt a little bit flat. There was not really a chemistry between the main character and her, I couldn't really tell what their relation is to one another, if they still are strangers or if they are allready friends. There was also not a lot of meaningful interaction between the two.

Okay, now about the rape as backstory part: you know, I have seen and read very graphic works before, so I'm not shy with the depiction of such things. However, every time you want to add things like violence and this time rape and gore in a story, you need to ask yourself: does this serve any purpose at all? Do I want to use this for shock, to make the reader pity the character, to gather sympathy, to set the tone of the story? When I read this, I don't feel like that the rape part serves any purpose at all. You could easily replace it with "she was beaten up by black hand members and defended herself" and the story and character wouldn't change a bit.

If you still want to include the rape part: make her have lasting trauma or have it impact the story in some kind of way.

Now the game mechanics:

Making meaningful choices.
When I start playing the game, I saw this problem popping up two times. One, where you need to choose between a right or left path and the other one, where you need to choose between, north etc.
It was not possible to make an informed choice what the good path is, so the death or ending sequences felt a bit cheap.
One way to solve it is to make the descriptions about the different paths a bit more elaborate and you could also feed the player some hints throughout the story. That way you could make chosing the right option way more satisfying.

The branching
There was zero to no meaningful branching. I do not really mind it since you were obviously planning for a sequel, but it would really spice the story up if you included more elaborate endings.

Conclusion

And then finally, a lot of these problems I listed above can be solved by making the descriptions and the plot move just a little bit slower, give the characters a little more time to breathe, make the journey a bit longer.

One main tip I want to give you is: when writing a story, you need to constantly ask yourself: "Does this part/element/paragraph serve any purpose and does it add to the themes or narrative?"

I did sense that you obviously put some effort into it and so, I'll sincerely hope that your next work will be better! Good luck with the future parts!

You have creativity but do not express it very well in this story. It literally took me 5 minutes to get to the end. The character development was atrocious. I knew next to nothing about Sparrow and Raven and where they came from. I didn't know what they look like, I didn't know their personalities, I didn't know where they were headed. Also there's no fluidity. There are so many plot holes you'd think I was looking at a piece of Swiss cheese. First off, where in the hell did a farm boy learn to fight well enough to take on five boys, who more than likely had some formal training, single-handedly. Second, where is Thull Forest from his home? What lands did he have to travel through? Was he being chased? How long did it take him to get there? Third, how did the black hand find location? Who told them? What gave him away? Also, if he assaulted five black hand and that is such a heinous crime to cause him to leave home, why was his bounty only 50 gold? Finally, where for fucks sake did the Griffin come from??? Where did they meet? How did they become friends? And if they were seen running off towards the Griffin why were they not followed? If the black hand could scry in on them, why did he not follow them? I'm starving here man, and this story barely has enough meat in it for a single mouthful. And before you start this is just an intro two the sequel game, that does not excuse your laziness. If you're going to write the entro as its on game it needs to be able to stand alone. Sadly this does not. Hell it took me longer to write this comment than it did to read your story.

I like how in one of the endings you manage to live a long, happy life (albeit with unfulfilled potential) despite not having saved the day. Most storygames on this site would write that ending with the evil guys destroying the world. It brings a sense of realism into your world - just because you're living under an oppressive rule doesn't mean you can't live a fulfilling life.

It appears you've fixed up the grammar problems you were apparently having. I never saw the story in its original form but the story now looks expertly written. I'm very impressed with this. Try to keep this level of quality for your future storygames.

There were still a few typos (eg. "stoo" instead of "stoop"), and one or two of your sentences were a little confusing (I have no clue what you meant by "as always, north leads to safety").

You leave the reader uninformed when making some choices throughout the storygame. Sometimes this works well, but in other situations - like when you have to choose to go left or right - you could offer a description of what each path looks like, or give some background knowledge on where each path *might* be headed.

Also, having the entire fate of someone's life determined by whether they go right or left down a path is a little silly, especially if he's going to end up in the same area (Thul and the surrounding forest) regardless of which path he picks. Maybe you could have added additional pages detailing your first encounters with the blacksmith/blacksmith's daughter and with the griffon, and have the player make a choice from that?

Either way, this is far too short and incomplete to earn a decent rating from me but you're a competent writer and I like your writing style. Keep it up!

This part is not good as i expected, We will see the next one

It's not the best. While there are little spelling mistakes, it is frustratingly hard, and it ends very abruptly. I give it a 3/10.

its a guess on whitch is right

better then playing minecraft for 6mins

Yes, I see potential in the story, but you wrote it sloppily. There are not many details, I don't feel anything for the protagonist, and everything felt sort of rushed. All the choices were 50/50 and that is not good. You either die, or move on and you are given no hints about which one is the choice that will end your game. All of the choices are just luck. I rated this a two only because I see that the story itself has potential, you just need to wright it correctly.

The average rating on this is way too high for my liking. The description was one of the worst written ones on the site, and the bad punctuation continued throughout the story.

The story itself was short and linear and contained a random left/right choice and a random north/west/south choice. The plot was okay, but not enough to make me that interested in a sequel.

2/8.

I really liked this game! The setting is very creative, and I can't wait to read episode 2! There were a few inconsistencies, but it's not nearly as bad as everyone's saying they are. I don't think choosing the wrong path or direction is worthy of an end game screen, but the great writing makes up for it.

This game defies all of the common rules for writing a storygame. Horrible branching, horrible word count, the author telling people not to be mean to him.

And yet, despite that, I'm giving this game a 4.

In relity it probally only deserves a 3, or perhaps even a 2, but I like the writing. You had interesting characters, an intrsting story even if it wasn't very original, and you had me invested in this short, gauntlet, all wrong choices end in death, bad, story.

Most damming of all is the fact that ALL OF THE CHOICES were bad. None of them relied on knowledge or thinking. They were all random. Espically that three choice direction one.

Anyway it is a shame this didn't get very far, I am aware there is a sequel, and I plan to review that next. Hopefully you used what you learned here for the better.

It’s okay. It’s not the worst, not the best. It had a lot of bad words, which was a little annoying, because I am an extremely positive person, but the story line was good. Consider maybe making the character not age as fast, ‘cause that was kinda weird. Thanks!!

Ive seen bad comments but i found thr short story very enjoyable and will be reading the next cant wait to see more like your style very descriptive and brutal lol

Okay so one thing i can tell you is that you need to work on your grammar, (and so do i) there are many points in the story where you misspell words like "He stoo up with his bow" proofreading will help with that, also your story seems a bit cliche, for example your protagonist is a farmboy now that alone isn't a flaw if you make your protagonist work for his powers and not just be the chosen one but that's the thing your character is the chosen one moving on to cliche number 2. The black hand is stereotypicaly evil with no motivation except to be bad however that might change in part 2

goodwork

It was short, and it didn't make much sense-sorry, but it wasn't quality stuff. There was also no strategy, it was, "guess which one! Nope! You're wrong! Now your guts are smeared on the street!" It was also rather ridiculously gory in descriptions. If you stab someone, I don't think their whole stomach will fall out. Sorry again, but it's true.

I really enjoyed this game, it's fantastic and well written.

SO STUPID, NO OFFENCE

Got bored playing this. Meh.

Way too short

Cool story.

Come on man, really? I've been gone for almost a year, and you still haven't fixed this.

Did not expect this chapter to be so short but I saw chapter 2 so well see.

Too short...

It's very linear

Very short, some bad spelling and when I think G or PG I don't think the description of slicing the mans stomach you may want to rerate it.

Luv it

Neat idea.

...stay away... Nah this is good... For... Just read my name

Not bad, I guess. I gave it a 'not the best, certainly not the worst', and it was pretty good I guess. Can you make it so that you can choose your gender? I think that would make it a bit better. Also, you could make it so that you could learn skills and magic. That is advanced exiting, but I think that would make it a lot better and longer.
-Shadowgirl_101

I feel like this would be better delivered as an actual story instead of a storygame, since it would save me the trouble of hitting 'back' every time I died after making an incorrect arbitrary choice.

The writing was decent, and the story was interesting enough to keep me reading despite my frustration at the linearity of this game. I wish there could have been a little more character depth and development (some of the characters' reactions, like the mother's, felt slightly forced to me), but for the length of the story, there was enough there that I had started to care about the protagonist before we reached the end.

tl;dr Decent writing, too linear, needs more meaningful choices, but nice ending.

i loved part 1 and i can't wait to play part 2 right now. but if you make a part 3, you should add items.

This is a nice storygame. Cannot wait for next episode!

Good. Want to kill the black hand at some point. Would not mind killing them with their own undead? HAHAHAHAHA. Just finished "Necromancer. Good book.

A good intro, a bad game

This was alright. Ok grammar but i think my death was a little too early. I died from the black hands immediately. This would have been better if you havent placed a death scene early in the story.

Check your grammar

Decent.

6/8

im a fan of your work this book was really good it just left me at a cliff hanger other then that it was greatXD

Pretty good! I liked can't wait to play the next one!

Pretty Feaking Good! keep up the good work!

Good story, but that's exactly what it is, there is no choice to form the story, the choices force u to go in a certain way or u die, which isn't really a choose your own type deal

Cool.

It's was awesome and exciting,plus has a lot of description.One of the best I've played so far.Keep up the good work.

it was pretty easy

What

ok didnt like dying but very creative

I'm dazed what happened, I'm going back through.

Certainly an intriguing beginning to a story. I am aware you have already written another episode, but honestly this one could do with a little expanding (maybe life in the forest and meeting solen), otherwise you might as well merge the two.

Your creativity is just fine but you need to work on character development and smoothly integrating the reader into the story. Your actual writing needs a lot of work and you need to proofread. The biggest problem with this story was the complete lack of choice. Every choice either brought you forward or ended the game and that's not acceptable.

That was a interesting story… In a good way. Keep up the good work!

I Played For 5 Seconds And Died....... BEST GAME EVER

Good job! 6/8

Honestly I don't care if this story is to short all I care about in a story is if it grabs your attention and this part of the story did just that ! Best of luck to you !

Quite a good read, kinda reminded me a lot of OMS though...

5/8
Mainly because, the first part didnt make sense at all, you beat them up both ways but in one way makes you want to hide and the other way you beat them up gets you killed later. The writing is fairly good, but it's way too short, had potential but it never developed it.One of the ending with the blacksmiths was very well, automatic. It was like, you got picked by a random blacksmith and married his daughter right there.

I thought it was good but it needs more action.

Ok.....what?

C'mon, only one choice can help you win? The other choice is a blunt dead end? It's basically just a story ; there's only one way there actually is a story and that's if we guess everything that you have in your mind. You can't call this a game , the choices aren't really choices, they're more like a coin being flipped. It's not a decision we have to make , it's more like a lucky draw contest.

C'mon, only one choice can help you win? The other choice is a blunt dead end? It's basically just a story ; there's only one way there actually is a story and that's if we guess everything that you have in your mind. You can't call this a game , the choices aren't really choices, they're more like a coin being flipped. It's not a decision we have to make , it's more like a lucky draw contest.

The biggest detractor to me is that there are several places where it is difficult to understand what just happened, and who is saying what. Decent effort though. I hope to see more branching in future installments.

It's nice. It paints a really good picture.
I've only just started it, and I have a bit of a problem with it. I feel my choices are too random. While I don't want the 'left' and 'right path' spelled out for me, it would be nice to have something to base my answer on. For example;

- the fight between the 5 boys; I only picked to kick the boy by chance, there wasn't really a reason to. Maybe I could've seen a movement out the corner of my eye which caused me to turn and kick.
- and the left or right path, again, random, one which causes the end of the game. Maybe a something to seperate the two choices will make it seem as if the reader is making an informed choice, rather than 'eeny meeny miny mo'.

It's a minor thing really though, I'll definitely keep going, because it seems like a really good story.

Thank you. :).

I only gave my self a 5 so no saying I only rated myself for a good rating.

I love the game!

Good writing, good story, great potential

it was good

I would like to see what happens next. Try to give the reader more information about directions, like Thul is to the west road and the forest is to the east or something like that.

ok but i felt like something was missing

The story seemed interesting enough, but I agree about the choices. There seemed to be no reason why I should choose one over the other and so I died and had to go back so much that I eventually just let myself be dead instead of trying to play all the way through.

Some of the choices are so arbitrary that it's frustrating. North, West, or South? Left or right? The player is randomly making a decision, not choosing what he or she wishes to do.

The writing is decent, I'll give you that. And I enjoyed the story. But the choices were very trivial in nature.

There are a lot of negative comments for this storygame, and while their arguments were valid, comments like Seth's are a bit uncalled for. Although your grammar and spelling need to be improved upon, this is a good (if slightly short) story. There are some parts that just feel like you're mentioning them too late, like the gryphon. You should at least mention when you find him, and not just chuck him in as an afterthought. My advice, pull it down, get a co-author (like BriarRose, she's offering), edit it, make it longer, then put it back up.

1/8 becaused this ACTUALLY WAS the worst story/ stoy game i have ever read/played. The Black Hand is a copy off of the Eragon series, and your story/game was very poorly written. I HATE IT!!!

Very linear, no indication of which choices are correct, bad spelling and grammar made it hard to read.

It needs work on the grammar and you should stop breaking the fourth wall so often. It's not a little nod to the audience, you're blatantly breaking the story's flow and that is a HUGE detractor from any story.

Beyond that, your grammar is also pretty poor. The text is ridden with bad spelling, improper sentence structure, and poor punctuation.

There also wasn't that much branching. Each choice was progress or end game, and that's not too rewarding for the reader. Try adding in end game paths that don't end right away, but won't lead to an actual ending.

What you do have going for you is pure, raw, imagination. It's not the most original story by any means, but it seems like you have a good grasp on the world and everything that goes on in it.

If you managed to fix the first three issues and make it a little longer, this would be a pretty good story.

Grammar needs more work, it makes the story hard to read, even though you put some effort in this. I can help you edit if you want to republish this

I like it, its got potential. Can't wait till the next ones.

I didn't really like the 50/50 chance. maybe a little more choice would be nice?

It seems to be a good start (I liked it), but really needs to be longer (or if all the installments are this short, then just stick them all together in one story, rather than 3)...

The story's got potential but it needs a proofread or two. Let me know if you take the game down and want someone to proofread it for you.