Dark Night (Noir)

I’ll begin with a disclaimer: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, beware of spoilers galore. Do yourselves a favor and read the storygame first.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know much about the film noir genre. But after skimming through the linked article and listening to a bit of thematic music, I was ready to immerse myself into this setting.

From the cover page to the customized background, there is something rather atmospheric about this storygame. This extends to the descriptions, too. I really like how the introduction immediately grounds the reader in the setting. It doesn’t overwhelm with too much description — something I’m still trying to master — nor does it leave the reader with a sparse, vague setting.

And it’s mostly imbued with a consistent tone. Along with immersing the reader in the scene, the descriptions also serve to characterize the protagonist, as even from the first paragraphs, he has his own goals and desires.

Speaking of tone, I personally found some parts to be humorously entertaining. For instance, the protagonist’s initial nonchalance about Loor being chased can be seen on two levels — first, it shows how common of an incident it is in the setting, and secondly, it provides a bit of insight into his personality. His residence is described as a ‘so-called modern building’, which also gives a sense of the world and character at the same time. The lines: “We were in what I liked to pretend was my safe house. It wasn’t really a house, and I’m not sure it was safe, either.” was something that made me chuckle.

However, I find the protagonist to be slightly detached despite the first person point-of-view. In a way, his thoughts are a bit too surface-level (for example, wanting to get the Coolice to sleep, or searching for exits to ensure he and Loor lives). While there are attempts to show how he’s jaded by the world and a product of his environment, the readers aren’t given much to sympathize and relate with his character.

It’s almost as if the characters in this storygame are more archetypal than real-life people. In this case, I suppose it gets a pass since that might be part of the noir-detective genre, but usually, protagonists tend to have a misbelief they’d correct through the course of their character arc or a fear vs desire clash. The absence of this caused slight issues with the protagonist’s motivations; for instance, there was a line which said, “ I tried to remember why I agreed to help this girl.” but no concrete reason was given for the main character’s actions after that. Without much insight into the protagonist’s fear, desire, and flawed belief, we can only attribute his actions to the ‘self survival’ motive, or maybe infer that his motives are the same as the archetype of a self-sacrificing hero.

Not sure if it’s a sudden tone shift or if the protagonist is meant to be contradictory, but it seems a bit abrupt for him to go from not caring about the random girl’s name or her situation to consoling her. In a way, it makes more sense for him to do that out of self-preservation to keep her quiet as he plans their next moves. But this is probably just me nitpicking anyway.

Onto the side characters. Ratchet seems to share many of the protagonist’s traits; he’s efficient, straight to the point with his dialogue, and doesn’t waste time. On the other hand, Loor is his character foil. She conceals information, is naively unaware of the stakes by choice, and seems to prioritize seducing the protagonist over preserving her life. While this might not be realistic, it makes sense as a part of the noir genre from what I’ve read.

The Azakas are interesting villains. We don’t know much about them, their name is always surrounded with secrecy and danger, and we see them kill the protagonist multiple times. While them being asian could be a distinguishing factor, maybe finding other ways to describe them might be helpful. But then again, consistency is important.

It’s a grippy, tight plot without many moments where the stakes aren’t real and present. The story starts off in a way that reminds me of a video game where an npc comes up and you’re meant to save them. Then you’re constantly thrown into life or death situations, where you start to realize the extent to the situation you’ve gotten yourself into. And there’s a lot of action—running, jumping out windows, sneaking around in the shadows, etc.

Yes, there’s a part where you have to restart a few times to progress the story, and to be honest, I’m not exactly sure what to think about it. For a long time, I don’t think there were any ‘real choices’ since you had to pick the ‘newest’ option, otherwise the story doesn’t progress, and you’re looped to the start again.

On one hand, this system does build suspense about the cybernetics and hints at something more in this technologically-dependent world. But personally, I’d prefer this if you were to add new snippets of information that weren’t there before — a sentence or two of hints that maybe explain the whole ‘you’re supposed to die but somehow don’t’ plotline — and it might incentivize readers to read over the pages again. Or you could attempt something where the text is the exact same but depending on the new information you receive, reading it would be an entire different experience (example with a spoiler: in the movie “Now You See Me 2”, the same words are used at the beginning and end, but it meant something completely opposite at the end of the movie, which really blew my mind). But that’s probably going to be difficult to implement, especially without hinging the whole plot on it, so maybe it’s better to use variables to change or add a few lines.

The choices here are fair. All of the information given can help you determine whether an option would be beneficial in the long term. I have to commend the effort given for the branches that weren't the winning ending; despite one of the paths leading to the ‘worst ending’, it wasn’t hurried or set aside quickly due to not being the true ending. And there’s a good amount of branching in the later segment of the game, after the protagonist has escaped the looping sequence. I like how even if you made good choices throughout, the final showdown gives you the option to fail; whereas if you made bad choices, the only endings you can attain are the unsuccessful ones.

As for the proofreading and writing aspect, I didn’t find too many errors. I counted three rather minor errors (missing commas and two typos), but then again, I wasn’t actively looking for them and they didn’t detract from the immersion at all.

There’s a whole paragraph all starting with ‘I [did this and that]’ on the first page. Not sure if that’s intentional, but while I normally would advise against this, the repetitiveness set a sort of quick, snappy rhythm which sped up the pacing, so that worked in your favor.

Every location is so atmospheric! I can envision the dark shadows amidst the metallic, neon-lighted world. And there are the gray, ramshackled buildings, with their creaky, unused mechanisms, forgotten by time. But the remnants of the old world are contrasted by the colorfully-lighted, blaring-music clubs, portraying the priorities of the people in this futuristic setting. The aesthetic of this is brilliant, which is important considering how much it fits the genre of film-noir. I can actually envision this storygame as a movie.

I like how the reader can find out bits and pieces of the world by the character’s description (e.g. the sentence “We had worked together back when working was a thing” shows how society has evolved into adopting a hedonistic worldview) and this isn’t in infodumps forced down the reader’s throats; rather, the protagonist speaks from the perspective of someone influenced by his own culture and setting.

Another strong point is that the descriptions serve a purpose: some are for immersion, while others additionally characterize, raise the stakes, and sometimes even point out important details for choices (in this storygame, you’re always looking for safe exits and ways out, so it makes sense for them to be included in the description).

As for the ending, it was well-written like the rest of the storygame but felt slightly abrupt. Of course, the ‘safe for now’ ending fits the unpredictability and sheer chaos of such a world, but the story doesn’t feel entirely complete. Not all of the questions brought up were answered; not all of the subplots were fully resolved. For instance, what is the chip and why is it so important? How did the protagonist have the ability to ‘avoid’ death multiple times by going back in time or repeating scenes (if that’s even what happened)? And what will it mean for the rest of the world now they have the chip in their possession?

In a way, it’s thematic since the worldbuilding does make this out to be a place where secrets are as plentiful as the rain. Overall, this is a great storygame. It is even more impressive considering it’s your first time writing in this genre, Ogre. And congrats on placing rather highly in the contest!

I liked this. It was entertaining. Your description was varied, engaged the senses, and felt distinct. I saw one editing oversight in the whole story, and it was "has" instead of "had," if I remember correctly.

I really thought I'd like the flash back to the start with new information idea, but I didn't care for it. I didn't know whether to reread pages or not, looking for new details. I didn't understand why I couldn't try to right thing the first time, since that option was usually just as logical, or should have been just as immediately apparent.

I read the greater part of this story out loud, and I think that was a good call for my enjoyment. It worked because it is written properly in terms of flow and rhythm. Most of the writing sounds natural, with clear intent, though somewhat less concise than I might like. Personal preference to be sure.

I'm certainly picky when it comes to characters, but I want their motives and interactions to feel real and explicable. Even characters that have wild motivations or deranged perspectives can hold an internal consistency that's captivating. Loor and the Protag are a little flat, and lack drive in my opinion. It's the weakest part of the story. Their dynamic is strained or forced to say the least.

I like the direction of the world building. Noir Cyberpunk is something I'm fond of ascetically, but this isn't a visual novel! So how does the description do in substitute? Quite well, especially at certain points, a certain alleyway early on stands out in my mind. On the subject of descriptions, I have a grievance with these Asians however. I hated that as the description for the bad guys. I also didn't care for how they all knew exactly who to look for. I expected there would be a breakaway point where we could hide in plane sight, for as long as the tracker was down, and we had some distance from the starting point, but it seems they were shaking down every guy walking with a bimbo within a couple square miles. The world feels less complete and real than it could.

My criticism is lengthier than my praise, a fault of my own. When things are right, they just are, as far as I can say. The correct words in the correct order, but criticism can go on for ages. Great work altogether.

General Recommendation: Recommended. This game pokes fun at many aspects of the noir and cyberpunk genres, and makes inventive use of the format’s branching structure.
Preview: Can you save a mysterious woman from the forces chasing her, utilizing your cybernetic implant and your wits?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
It’s a pity this story wasn’t written for the recent cyberpunk contest, as it checks all the boxes.
This story, particularly the opening scene, is a very very clever use of the cyoa format to tell a story. What initially appears to be a straightforward situation has layers pealed off it, revealing more and more possibly outcomes and permutations. I really like seeing the format used in this way. The second half of the story utilizes the format in a different, but not less creative way, with each of the reader’s choices subtley affecting the variables that will present different options to them in the final decision.
This story has nailed the “noir detective” plot and genre, but I don’t think it quite nailed the tone perfectly. It’s close, but the narrator’s personality does not bleed through the narration and descriptions in the way it would need to to fit the bill. The narration feels more like a dispassionate summary of the narrator’s thoughts than the actual real and gritty descriptions typical of this genre. Example: “It looked dark and forboding.” This describes the setting, but it does so in a very dispassionate and disconnected way, when a more evocative description could be used to add character to both the setting and the narrator. There are places where this is done well though; like the description of the safe house (“It wasn’t really a house, and I’m not sure it was safe, either”). In general, the consistency and character of this tone improves noticably over the course of the story.
This game’s biggest weakness is probably the abruptness of its ending. It feels as though the story is really just beginning, with the protagonists having developed an initial relationship and escaped the first of the dangers they’ll face. There are still plenty of mysteries, surrounding the chip, the world, the narrator’s cybernetics, Loor’s real identity and plan, etc. It’s not clear until the final scene itself that the story is coming to a close, and it feels more like the end of episode 1 than the actual conclusion of the tale.
I guess if my biggest complaint is "I want more" that's a compliment. I definitely enjoyed the original aspects of this game.

Specific notes:
-As always with Ogre’s games, the visuals are excellent. The opening picture captures the theme well, and the pages have a cool background color with cool titles.
-The use of first person is interesting, and probably necessary for a traditional “noir detective” story.
-We’ve already got some intriguing worldbuilding in the first paragraph. I like seeing the use of cybernetics explored from the corporate exploitation perspective, which isn’t seen as often.
-Amusing callout on the prevalence of computer-chip-related plots in the cyberpunk genre.
-I think this game’s quick start actually does it more harm than good. While I usually like fast-paced beginnings, in this story so little is known about the world and narrator that it serves to confuse more than serving to draw the reader in.
-I usually dislike when the reader has to click several links to get to the first choice, but I like the way it’s handled here. It adds to the tone, and the writing is engaging enough that you don’t risk alienating readers this way. It also raises interesting questions about the narrator. What do his cybernatics do? Give him premonitions? Affect time in some way?
-I like the imagery of the failing metal staircase, good scene.
-Eh. Loor as a character isn’t really doing it for me so far. She doesn’t seem to have a personality other than “Annoying hot woman who causes the narrator problems.” Though I suppose that’s a staple of the noir genre.
-The ending came a little abruptly. It’s never entirely clear what the purpose of the chip actually is, and there’s no indication of what happens to Loor and the narrator after they’ve esacaped, or if they’re really safe.
-It’s not clear why the narrator’s cybernetics don’t help him in the final confrontation. Does it need to charge? Perhaps I missed something.

Grammar:
Mastery of Language:
-There is some repetitive language in places, and sometimes more words than necessary are used to get the point across.
Basically what I said for “The Murdered Official”’s mastery of language feedback also applies here, so I won’t repeat myself (lol).

Mechanics & Coding:
Excellent, and original.

Branching:
Each decision does matter, which is the important thing. That said, it would have been nice to see a wider variety of endings. This is a “challenge” game more than a branching one.

Player options/Fair choice:
Excellent.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
The first ending I reached was the “good ending” where you sneakily neutralize Loor’s tracker and the Azakas leave disappointed. In retrospect, this is apparently the best ending, nice.

WRITING ADVICE:
This story could have used another editing round for clarity and to eliminate needless repetition/lengthy explanations. This is something that could probably be significantly improved by just adding another editing round with a focus on tightening up the language.
If this and your last story are good indicators of your writing style, the general impression I get is that you have excellent plots that use clever concepts well, but they’re hampered somewhat by the execution; specifically, the repetitive language/dispassionate description/possible lack of editing due to contest deadlines.
The writing feels more like a movie script than a story. It describes exactly what’s happening, but it does so in a technical way that would be more useful to a film choreographer than a reader trying to get a narrative picture in their heads.

CONCLUSION: 6/8, but very close to 7/8 in several different categories. A more extensive/dramatic/explanatory conclusion would bump this up to 7/8. A more consistent noir tone/neater editing would also bump this up to 7/8. More branching/endings would also have bumped this up to a 7/8, it's fairly linear as it is.

The tension in the many attempts to escape the first building was well done. The protagonist was reluctant to help at first but gave it all he had. That's a bit of character development. Was there any more later? He gets to know the girl a tiny bit, but she doesn't seem to change - portrayed as a seductive bimbo with very little character depth apart - she exists mainly to appeal to male fantasies.
The choices we get later around the streets are about risk. There's no more about character conflict. That might be a missed opportunity to deepen the story - will he cut and run? Will he get a chance to seize the chip and run off with it? But those would have required a longer format of story, most likely.
The cyber-stuff was used mostly as decoration to give a sense of dark future tech rahter than having a cheap stab at a William Gibson-esque scenario.
The 'big asian' gentlemen are also a bit shallow. At least you didn't identify them with a nationality or precise race. It's real enough (from the almsot nothing that I know) that some criminal gangs are made up of one particular ethnic background. Still, it would have been good to see a bit more humanity in at least one of them. Oh there was the bossman, that he finally allows the two to live.
Thanks for the story! It was certainly dark.

Ogre is a talented writer and I enjoyed this story :)

Not bad