Hazy

Wow lookie here, a game that's been published four months with only three comments. I can fix this!

First of all I'll say that I went into this having no idea what prompt #23 of Endmaster's 2nd prompt contest was. So I looked it up: "A story that features a complex, detailed, and consistent magic or alchemy system."

Wow, that's nothing like this story.

Anyway, it's important that I get a commendation here, so I'm going to make this as long and detailed as possible. I can't be as long as Gryphon of course, not that my girlfriend has ever complained. But I'll do my best to perform since I know the mods are watching. (Not that my girlfriend has ever complained.)

Gryphon did have a point however that this tale of a drug addled girl and her degenerate walls could with a bit of tweaking (no not THAT kind!) be much more effective as a horror game. There are no good endings, no questions are answered and it's all a kind of confused mess.

Not to say that it's terrible or anything, the writing was pretty good and the things that happened were interesting. But lots of questions were raised with other characters and major events being referenced, but nothing was ever explained. You just sort of aimlessly wander around until you die or give up. The one item in the game is equally pointless, it unlocks options that just lead to more of the same kinds of endings.

Not to say that a story HAS to have a good ending available, it can be a legitimate artistic choice not to, but there's no satisfying twist or tragedy here. There's a dragon looking for someone, a brother who is a gust of wind trying to kill you, a sister who allegedly lives in a mirror, but none of it ever goes anywhere. Oh, and a whole page dedicated to Cocaine Bear?

Nothing is ever explained and eventually you find that the whole story might just be the product of drugs. Which is a "twist" on the level of "and it was ALLLLL just a dream".

But even with an experience that was this dissatisfying (not that my girlfriend has ever complained!) it still had its moments and held my interest the entire way through which is more than I can say for some other games I've seen. Even mid efforts IF on CYS are better than games I've seen in other places and I would say this is worth a few minutes of anyone's time.

General Recommendation: This game is for those looking for a short exploratory experience, but perhaps not for those who expect to find an answer to all the questions it raises.
Preview: A short surreal game in an enchanted castle.

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
This is an interesting game with interesting concepts, but it never answers any of its own questions. What happened to the narrator’s siblings? Why are they stuck in this castle? Though clues are hinted at, there is no explanation.
This story’s biggest problem is that it isn’t really a story, since there is no opportunity for the narrator to do anything to change their situation, or even discover the answers to some of the riddles presented. I realize the story is not making any attempts to do this, and instead seems to be trying to present a surreal adventure from many perspectives. This works well enough, and engages the reader enough to finish the game and explore all the paths. But upon finishing, I’m left asking myself, “what was the point of that?” The story gives the impression of having riddles and secrets, but in there end there doesn’t seem to be much more to it than what you learn on the very first page.
This might work better as a horror game? In the fantasy genre one has the expectation that there is some way to solve the mystery and win. This isn’t true of the horror genre, it’s more typical for there to be a game focusing on the surreal elements themselves than anything the protagonist can do to affect them.
What works well: The concepts and characters themselves are interesting, and the groundwork is well-laid for a potential explanation later on. It's engaging enough to keep the reader interested.

Specific notes:
-Parenthesis can be a good stylistic choice, but I don’t think they work here. It just seems distracting, and there’s five in one paragraph. I see what you’re trying to do with the first paragraph, which is an interesting idea, but it comes across as disjointed.
-“Beat your record.” Lol.
-I like the device of addressing the dead brother, but it stands out that the narrator refers to the brother as “brother” rather than by his name. Might be best just to name him.
-On a first play through, this game is very confusing. None of the riddles are solved or mysteries answered. This may improve on future readings, but it can be a turn off for many readers who only play a single path.
-…COCAINE BEAR?!?!
-You have two epilogue 2s, one for burning, and one that leads to epilogue 6. It’s a little confusing.

Grammar:
Good, didn’t notice any typos, and the paragraph and sentence breaks are well-spaced.
Mastery of Language:
Pretty good, though there’s room for improvement. Generally your sentences flow well together, but you’re frequently wordy and in-concise.
Generally, you do a good job “showing” rather than “telling.”
The narrator’s personality is clear through the narration.
You tend to overuse ellipses.
Your writing style is certainly functional, but comes across as a little underdeveloped, though I can’t tell whether this is your style itself, or just the childish voice of the narrator.

Mechanics & Coding:
The double-use item is a good trick, executed well.

Branching:
Very good. Limited re-branching, and 11 possible endings.

Player options/Fair choice:
All the endings are bad in some way, so one choice isn’t much better than another.

Nitpicks:
I couldn’t find an ending 5 (and I looked pretty thoroughly). If the mysterious ending 5 does turn out to explain everything, I will adjust my criticism accordingly.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
Reached ending 7 first.

WRITING ADVICE:
Your writing style generally has a good flow from one sentence to the next. It can be a little wordy at times, so reading through looking to reduce word count might help.

CONCLUSION: 4/8.

This was a decent little story, an interesting surrealist premise and a good writing style kept interest for the five minutes it took to read the story. I'm not sure if the idea could have been developed much further but it was an ok read.

I figured out why you can't find ending 5, its because there are 2 ending 4's and no ending 5, i checked as thoroughly as you gryphon!

Good job getting a story completed. It was decently written too. There were some typos and spacing inconsistency. Overall you did a decent job for your first story/contest entry. I will do a more in-depth review when I have more time.