Jack the Bean Counter

- - Quick Review - -
Wow, what an interesting story! Sort of reinterpretation of fairy tale stories, yet it’s own thing as well. Very clever, funny, unique, and creative! If you were hooked by the title or tags, you’ll enjoy.

SPOILERS AHEAD; FINES DOUBLE IN SPOILER ZONES

- - Highlights - -
For a shorter storygame, there sure is a wide variety of branches you can take! And while there are few pages that are very long, every path does a good job of describing events (no matter how briefly). This story took me anywhere from meeting the original cow-selling Jack to marrying the daughter of the queen fairy godmother!

As I mentioned previously, Mizal was very clever and creative with this story. First off, “Jack B. Nimble” himself having a name from the nursery rhyme was a nice touch. Then of course on the branch where Jack marries the fairy godmother’s daughter (as well as some of the other branches that never involved the beanstalk) Jack seeing the beanstalk shoot up and/or wondering what happened to the lost magic bean made me chuckle a little. Then of course the mini little references to the fairytales throughout really made for the nice fairytale vibe.

Then of course the humor of it all! So many sneaky little funny comments, the magic harp being a little snitch, dropping the sack of gold on the witch, the three sister scamming witches, etc. One more honorable funny mention is in the path where Jack refuses to marry the daughter and it comments casually that maybe you’re just gay; I laughed aloud. The comedy helps keep it a fun read and makes the reader be particular to not skim over any paragraphs for hope of there being a joke or two slipped in.

Another thing I really enjoyed about this story was how it recognized that it was a story. The spoofing on the cliche fairytale endings, the sly comments on it being a contest entry and thus having lack of time, etc.

Despite being a shorter story, the author did a very nice job of presenting the setting— from the queen fairy godmother’s cottage, to Vira’s “work”, to the icky marsh. Very descriptive, helped me get into the sense of being inside the story.

The twists and turns throughout the story were also exciting. Even though it was obvious that the story was somewhat following a plot of similarity to a cliche fairytale, it still kept me on my toes and never truly able to predict what was coming next; this just comes to show the author’s experience and skill.

- - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - -
I only really have two things that I think could’ve been done to improve this story:

1. Character Development
While some characters (such as the giant or the other Jack) need little characterization because once it’s established who they are the reader can piece the rest together, others such as Otis or Madge in my opinion should’ve seen a bit more love. Maybe allow some description of Jack B. Nimble’s thoughts about Madge (a reasonable thing lovers will drift off and go on and on about) and show us why he’s in love with her. This would kill two birds with one stone; providing further characterization for Madge and Jack. As for Otis, describe his pleas for you not to slaughter Nelly. Maybe he grumbles to himself before Jack pops up and startles him, showing Otis’s discontentment with his living situation and explaining his runaway later. Just some examples.

2. Fleshing out branches
Of course, this is getting nit-picky. While I appreciated the brief description of what happened after the deeply described event in every ending, I would’ve liked to see more of that play out in full-out detail.

=> Now, I will note that I understand this was a contest entry with a tight time window, so these shortcomings are justified and certainly do not in my mind subtract from the overall greatness of the story, but unfortunately keep it out of the top two ratings for me.

- - Final Thoughts - -
Such a fun take of a fairytale land with fairytale characters! I love the attention to detail and polished feel this story presents. Mizal certainly hit home with this one. I personally believe it left itself off nicely and needs no sequel, but I could see a possible second edition someday leading off Jack and the fairy godmother’s daughter. Great story, would definitely recommend, especially if you’re into fairytales, obscure quests, and/or generally funny stories.

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

This minimalistic description looks oddly familiar. Perhaps it reminds me of something related to cats and stacking them? Either way, the title connotes a fairytale-esque storygame, as is evident from the first page.

I like how the worldbuilding borrows elements from fairytales while adding its own unique spin to the classic stories. There’s an allusion to Rumpelstiltskin with a dubious moral, and Jack references both ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ and the rhyme where he jumps over a candlestick. A minor nitpick: if Jack was once the assistant royal bean counter, is there a reason he doesn’t have an assistant now that he’s promoted? Or maybe the new trainee got caught stealing a goose from a giant, who knows.

As many comments have pointed out, the sarcastic humor is top notch: even on the first page, the protagonist gets dressed and polishes his brass knuckles, only to head to the back of a secluded room to count beans. There’s good use of hyperbole for the central conflict: A missing bean! What a catastrophe! The protagonist’s dramatic reaction of “pounding angry little fists on the table” adds to the severity of the situation. Then at the end of the page, the reason behind the stakes are revealed—the king would behead Jack for losing this bean. Now, if only he had a beanstalk…

Either way, this sets up a goal for the protagonist that would carry him through the story. His mission is to find the missing bean. He’s characterized as someone who prefers not to go on adventures, especially after Stiltskin’s fate, so this might be the fear that holds him back while he tries to reach his goal. His lack of experience with adventures might be a hindrance too.

WRITING STYLE

In a way, this story serves as a parody of fairytales. It's a fairytale that's aware it is a fairytale, if that makes sense. For example, there’s this line: “Secretly a princess, hiding from her evil stepmother, in actuality. But then, that’s most of them”. I laughed at the part where the witch could tell the future due to having a copy of the Brothers Grimm book. This was never explicitly mentioned, yet the information is there for readers to infer. This is my favorite method of learning about worldbuilding details.

The story takes on a humorous, lighthearted tone, like the curses involving a resting bitch face or making food taste like Arby's (I've never tried the brand, but reading this story, I'm thankful for it). Then there’s the path where, surprisingly, Jack never meets the giant though he finds a beanstalk. It ends with the line: “Just goes to show, witches are dumb.” The running gag of the witch and her ability to foresee things along with the “oh, nevermind, you already made this joke” was great. So was the fairy godmother being the religious type of godmother and how it set up the other joke about Vira. Not many stories execute humor well, though this one makes its tone a charming feature of the story.

I liked the allusion to the original story with the line about how the hen would have been extremely useful to have in another life. And the Goldilocks reference when choosing a princess to marry. I chuckled at this fourth-wall break that’s also a good technique for skipping over a scene: “I don’t think I need to waste time here explaining about how the physics of how all this works of course, every school child knows about the Sky Giants who live above the clouds and how that all works.”

“Happily and ever afterly enough, although no one will ever write a grand tale of adventure about you. You’d be lucky to even get a half assed contest entry.” - This story is self-aware lol.

Jokes aside, the story is rather well-written too. I noticed a few missing words and proofreading errors but nothing that detracts from the story. There was good use of alliteration: “peering at the darkened doorway with a suspicious squint“ and “prowling all around the property and pilfering anything of value you find”. Even the metaphors seemed consistent with this whimsical world: “Your brows shoot straight up, like fuzzy white caterpillars”.

“The trees stand like black paper cutouts against a bleak sky as you approach the forest. Stark and accusing fingers only softening to reveal details like clumps of moss and spider webs as you follow the path beneath them. Somewhere, a raven caws.” — This setting evokes a sinister and foreboding atmosphere through the use of concrete similes and metaphors. The trees are personified. Ravens are common motifs in many stories and foreshadow danger.

Description paints the setting very well using detailed imagery. Normally, I prefer verb-based sentences as they appear more dynamic, but after reading this story, I’ve changed my mind. Using specific, unique nouns (as opposed to generic ones) enable readers to create vivid mental images: “She lives in a wagon draped in spidersilk and moss, within a grove where salamanders scurry in and out of a circle of glowing mushrooms”. I could easily imagine this as a picture in an illustrated children’s storybook. This is a technique I’m going to steal for my future written works.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The protagonist, Jack, proceeds through his adventure with caution and a healthy dose of fear. This has been characterized well from the start of the story. In one of the paths, when selecting a witch to help with his quest, he knows the risk involved so he chooses the least harmful one. A lot of the choices in the story are between acting out of excitement for this adventure or sticking to a safer, less exciting path. For example, he could ask the witch for the hidden T&Cs or eagerly get on with his adventures. He may seize the opportunity to obtain a magic bean or satisfy his curiosity by seeing what happens when the bean is planted. In these situations, choosing not to be hindered by fear is always rewarded. This is part of the reason why the unfinished ending, too, feels like a thematic and unified part of the story—the moral here is not to stick with the safe, old ways, but rather, to embrace change. It’s a contrast to the protagonist’s perceived moral of Stiltskin’s story at the start.

Speaking of the protagonist, it’s interesting that he has never planted the seeds despite counting them all day, which shows how adventure-adverse he is. Or maybe it’s just a testament of the king’s wrath (either way, consistent characterization!). Also, the part where he yells “Noooooooo! in an unaccountably deep voice” seems straight out of a cartoon, haha. And it’s hilarious to imagine the protagonist dancing a jig upon finding the 100,000th bean. All his reactions are so excessively dramatic as one would expect in a fairytale-like story.

A bit of light critique: a number of endings (like arresting a random man for bean theft or climbing the beanstalk) reads more like recounts/ summarized draft versions rather than parts of the actual story. It focuses more on telling than showing, without grounding readers in each scene, hence it breaks immersion in the story. An example: “Racing for the beanstalk still lugging your ill gotten treasure (and here the squawk indignantly, but you forgive her), you begin to climb down as fast as you can, pretty nimbly for a small funny man of your age, at least when your beard isn’t getting in the way of your boots.” The narrative voice is still amusing, though it completely takes away the tension and suspense of this scene. There’s no fear of the giant nor haste to get away with the treasure conveyed by the story.

As for the other main path, the choices are mainly about whether to do good or not. The path about finding a proper godmother leads to better consequences, as do not harming an innocent but magic-ring-eating goose. Though offering the old woman a sandwich as a kind gesture leads to getting scammed, it’s a better ending than being eaten. The true moral here, however, is not to step on sandwiches. That leads to a terrible fate. One must give them away to old women instead (even if they lie about their daughters leaving and their dog running away) so they would be rewarded via deus-ex-machina. Can’t argue with fairytale logic.

The endings on this path are…well, abrupt. While the other ones seemed rushed, at least they were ‘endings’. On the other hand, these ones are unfinished. Like this senten
Jokes aside, the ones where the protagonist finds a fairy godmother seem more like typical happily ever afters. It’s refreshing that there’s even the choice to choose his duty as a bean counter over marriage; how progressive of this fairytale world!

Ultimately, this was a really entertaining story! I loved the humorous narrative voice and the way it follows fairytale conventions while poking fun at it.

One of the most amusing and entertaining story games I've read on this site.

Story (8/8)

Short summary:

If one sees and reads the name "Jack" alongside the word "bean", the tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" immediately pops on their mind.

The protagonist is indeed named Jack, but don't confuse with with Jack the Peasant. He holds a much higher social status and job position, that of the Royal Bean Counter. But with a distinguished position comes high responsibility and consequently heavy punishment, if you show incompetence.

As player-readers, we are following the Bean Counter's perilous investigation on finding the missing bean, lest he faces his Majesty's wrath. Based on the choices made, Jack either finds the bean by fulfilling the witch's request, executing an innocent goose, who also happens to be the Majesty's beloved pet, and accuse another peasant to be the culprit or even accuse the pet of being the culprit.

Thoughts:

The sarcasm used throughout the story was top-notch. Making fun of the classic tropes used by fairy tales featuring princesses through a character with more common sense than most, like the protagonist, makes the reader think: "That's exactly what I thought!". As stated before, I loved the sarcasm sprinkled from the start to the end of the game.

No noticeable grammar errors, great hook and interesting plot. What more could a reader ask for? Well, they could ask for longer endings, since most of them feel rushed or too short, though one in particular was hilarious. The one with the Serb joke, on the "Consult the Witch" route.

As it is now, it feels more like a bare-bones first draft than a final one. Surprisingly, there is quite a bit of world-building, as we see glimpses of it on most routes, and more on the route where the protagonist meets Jack the Peasant.

The writing style could easily become my favourite. The descriptions, dialogues and overall vibe it manages to create is awesome.
Characters (8/8)

The characters are, naturally the ones who make and drive the story forward. You can find them plenty here: original side characters, classic one which you can find on almost every fairytale and last but not least, the characters appearing on "Jack and the Beanstalk"

The writer has managed to make the characters feel way more realistic than one would expect from a fairy tale, through the dialogues. One of them who I couldn't stand was Vira the bitchy princess.

Replayability (8/8)
It's a branching story with two routes and several sub-routes which lead to vastly different endings, so yeah, replayability is a strong point of this game.

Endings (6/8)
While there are several endings, some of them feel rushed or incomplete.

Fun little fairy tale story. Good characterization for everyone interacted with and the protag as well. I didn't notice much in the way of SPAG errors, although a dropped r got the biggest laugh from me.

"most in need of kindness from a strange.” - I could use some kind strange too, for sure, and would lead to the kind of bean I was expecting the double entendre of the Intro sentence.

I love the sarcastic humor as the reader encounters instances of fairytale logic. All the references make this ridiculous world feel alive and wonder what other storybook character one could encounter if there was more development. By the author’s own admission, some of the endings aren’t really finished, but the already-present sarcastic tone gives some leeway. It’s a good, short read and I highly recommend it for a good, light fun.

I've loved fairy tales ever since I was a kid, so I liked this a lot.I did enjoy Mizal's snarky take on these types of stories, especially with all the meta elements-- although I'm not sure what she and the writers for "The Simpsons" have against Arby's. There were some sentences in the text that are basically comma splices, but those can easily be corrected. I do need to point out that a sentence on page one has an odd grammatical structure: "Standing on the edge of your chair on tippy toes to plant a kiss on her cheek for good luck (she bends down so you can reach) she then helps you to the floor and you whisk your way out the door in search of the missing magic bean." That seems to have a little bit of confusion in the middle as to who the subject of the sentence is. Some other sentences here seems to be missing words, like this one: "Further on you another sign of life however, a humble cottage with smoke rising from the chimney, and a cowshed in the back." Or this sentence just needs to replace the word "and" with "an": "Part of you wants to dive towards him in slow motion while yelling Noooooooo! in and unaccountably deep voice". Overall, I love the breezy tone of this story-game and wish it were longer. Plus, it's great the protagonist is a gnome. Much appreciate, Mizal!

wonderful. I'm a sci-fi chap myself, but I thought I'd see what Mizal can do. Well-worked out choices, simple and charming storyline.
I spotted a couple of typos here and there, starting with the 99,000 beans.

I liked this story :) The humour in it was very fun (smart sarcasm is always good) and entertaining, the plot interesting, exploring the different endings was good, I found the characters interesting and overall this was an enjoyable little story to read.

That was a delightful little tale. I got the bean back plus a couple extra.

Overall: A good story, an entertaining read. Highly recommend.

Characters:
There’s a variety of characters, and both Madge and Jack B. Nimble Rumbledour are characterized well. The witch has some personality too, though it seems that all old ladies have the exact same personality in this story.
6/8


SPAG:
A strong start, but errors started to crop up more and more as the story progressed.
6/8

Branching:
There were many different endings, but none of the paths were particularly long. Points for consistency in every branch, with one exception (listed below).
5/8

Plot:
The whole tale was interesting, no matter which path was chosen. The plot was unique in every branch and entertaining throughout, but very, VERY rushed at the end.
5/8

Bonuses:
>You’d be lucky to even get a half assed contest entry.
Adding bonus points for just this line in general.
+0.25

>That all goes just like you imagine, unless your brain is so Serbian that you can’t.
And this line as well.
+0.25

Total: exactly 6/8

**other comments**
I love how this story takes itself so seriously and yet is so ridiculous. Fantastic, and hilarious.

>Sauerkraut and liverwurst on rye bread, your favorite!
Disgusting. Ew. No.

Why the Arby’s hate?

>He does sorely miss the bean as well however, and just like you do hates not having an even, soothing 100,000 anymore.
In the “have the king handle the matter” ending.
This sentence is a little awkward- I think splitting it into two sentences would improve it.

Is the prince fucking the goose?
Ah, he is not. That’s a relief.

Every ending feels rushed at the end, giving just a paragraph explaining how everything plays out. I definitely would’ve liked to be able to make some choices in the giant encounter, or not pay the witch back.

The “ignore her” option is incredibly short. It’s just an instant death link.

> “And if you should happen upon my oldest sister, she is the most pitiful and poverty stricken of us all, and the most in need of kindness from a strange.”
On the “give her a sandwich” page. Last word should probably be “stranger”

I didn’t get the skeletons and animal bones reference. I think it’s the only one I’m blanking on.

The “Head for Shelter” ending doesn’t really seem like it’s an END. It doesn’t say anything about the bean.

Inconsistency in the ending where you get more beans and the one with the goose pardon. In one, the king is glad to have more beans, and in the other, he’s displeased at the nice, round number of 100,000 being messed up.