Phase

I'd really like to see a rewrite of this same basic plot. So much has already been said by other reviewers there may not be much point in going over all this again, but I agree with Celicni's statement that this was a good idea that has just been poorly executed. It feels more than anything like an outline of the real story I would have preferred to see.

To be blunt, this is probably going to be taken down for low ratings sooner or later. In fact that probably would've happened already if it didn't take so much dedicated clicking to find the ending. A lot of people here have STRONG reactions to being railroaded to certain specific "author approved" endings by reset links, and in this case there's only one. I don't hate the way they've been used in this particular circumstance, I get that it was needed to track which timelines had been visited, but it would've helped to just provide some End Game links at deaths anyhow, in addition to the resets.

It would've helped even more to have proofread this and used a more readable formatting. Believe me my friend I can TELL immediately that you must consume all media in the form of visual novels, but on a writing site there is something to be said for learning the strange foreign technique of the Western style "paragraph". You only need line breaks when the speaker changes, not for every single sentence. And with nine character it only confuses the issue to have everything spread out that way with no indication of who is saying what.

More visual details, actions, body language etc during all these talky scenes would've improved things immensely. I'm sure you were envisioning it all in your head while writing these things out and it was perfectly clear to YOU, but the thing is you didn't communicate this kind of information to the reader very often. Particularly it feels necessary with nine characters introduced all at once, all of them with alternate names and not a lot of other details attached.

I did see a lot of potential in the basic plot. But as for the twist, it seemed to contradict some of the main character's thoughts and impression as they encountered events. And as much as it made Alma the most memorable character, ultimately I'm just left thinking: wouldn't it have made more sense, and been more fun and immersive for the POV character to be the one with this powers? The reader obviously remembers the earlier attempts and could have been the one using that information in clever ways, and removing the line between player and character knowledge that way would have been quite cool.

That aside, the main issues here are still definitely the formatting and lack of attention to prose quality. This might have received some unnecessary hate from people just having kneejerk reactions to reset links and not thinking about the point of them, but even without that this is still distinctly not a stand out reading experience. By all means, use the editor as creatively as you like and don't be afraid of breaking some conventions, but you HAVE to have writing that's entertaining enough to back it up.

I’ll begin with a disclaimer: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, beware of spoilers galore. Do yourselves a favor and read the storygame first.

Alright, I haven’t written a proper review for a while now, so let’s see how this goes.

I can see the author has made an effort for their first game. After all, 17k words is pretty good for a first attempt at a storygame. However, it does fall prey to some of the most common mistakes new members make, and if rectified, would enhance the reading experience greatly.

Let’s get the second most obvious thing out of the way first: the structure. The entire text is extremely spaced out, and this doesn’t seem to be for any stylistic or thematic reason. If the author could condense the information into paragraphs and reduce the spacing between them, it would improve readability.

Just a quick tip for when it’s necessary to change paragraphs - start a new paragraph whenever there’s a change in time, place, topic, or person speaking (remember TiP ToP). Therefore, if a person does something and speaks, then these can be placed in the same line. Additionally, if the same person says multiple things, you should put them in the same paragraph unless there’s a drastic change in the topic of conversation/ they’re saying a lot of things that would normally be split into many paragraphs. You don’t need to start a new dialogue paragraph for each new sentence if the same person is saying it all.

Also—and this tip might apply more to writing on CYS than other traditional forms of publishing—it’s best to avoid having over 1k - 1.5k words on a page, especially if the paragraphs are rather spaced out. This helps with reader retention. But then again, feel free to break this rule every now and then, particularly if your story includes a longer, more impactful scene. Maybe just do it once you’re sure the reader is invested in your story. (Although I do have to commend the effort—not in the red letters, point-giving sense of the word, obviously—because the usual issue with these newer storygames is a lack of words instead. Being comfortable with writing more words means you’re one step closer to writing amazing storygames!)

And now, one last thing for structure: ellipsis (...). While I’m not sure where you got the idea that they’re necessary in such an abundance, ellipses are usually only used to add suspense in writing by omitting certain information (e.g. slowing down the pace to create tension) or to show a character trailing off in speech. It’s always best to limit their usage, because the more often you use them, the less of an impact they have later on. Think of it like repetitive, unhelpful comments on a story - they’re great for getting the author to think about their work, but the more of them there are, the less value each one holds. I’ll end with one last piece of advice: using more than 3 periods in an ellipsis is associated with amateurish writing, and I’m sure that’s the last thing you wish your writing to be associated with, right?

I hope so, or else…

(You get the idea?)

Alright, moving on! The first person pov does lend to a more personal narrative style, where the main character’s thoughts and feelings are easily shown to the reader. And let’s start with the good things. You seem to know that writing an interesting beginning starts with planting an unanswered question in the reader’s mind, and the simple but impactful words used at the start did exactly that! It makes me wonder where the protagonist is and what caused them to be in these circumstances.

But when adopting this pov, here’s a main trap a number of writers often fall into (and don’t worry, I’ve been guilty of these multiple times myself too).

One of these is stating the pov character’s every thought. Readers don’t need to know everything they’re thinking. Just describe the main things, and if it doesn’t move the plot forward or develop the character in a meaningful way, it’s best to cut it out in the editing stage.

Another is continuity. It’s been pointed out by Yummyfood already, but if the protag has lost track of time, how do they know it’s been 5 days later on? And how could he have checked “every inch of the room” without checking the last wall? Besides, it doesn’t make sense in terms of characterization to delay checking that wall if escape means so much to the protag.

This is one of the more difficult issues to weed out, and often, it’s best to distance yourself from your writing for a while before editing, to ensure you read your work without memory of what you’re trying to say. That helps solve continuity errors.

Pro tip: since the narrator/ protag is the one speaking, you could condense the text by keeping dialogue on the same line as the actions. And another dialogue-related thing is to use small letters for dialogue tags (but not for splitting up dialogue with action).

Another pro tip: try not to repeat information too often within a scene unless it’s something extremely important. Doing so would bog down the text and make readers feel as if the story isn’t progressing (I know because I’ve been there and done that lol).

Third pro tip since I’m feeling generous today: When editing, conduct tense checks. I used to make this mistake all the time when I first started writing, because I’d get so caught up with the story that I'd randomly switch between past and present tense. Try to keep it consistent unless you’re going for a stylistic choice (e.g. a past tense prologue to begin a present tense story.)

Let’s talk about prose, Prost. I like the sentence fragments in this story. It creates a sense of urgency and sets the tone. Also, you seem to have a grasp on description to avoid the white room syndrome, and you make an effort to characterize the characters through their words and behaviors (although using Cel’s feedback of giving them names and avoiding introducing them all at once would certainly help you take this to the next level).

There’s a dire need for editing in this storygame. While the occasional typo and grammatical error would normally be fine, this issue interferes with readability here. But don’t worry - this can be solved easily. Just take time to proofread before frantically spamming the publish button! Atfer alll, wouidnn”t it be apain two read someting liek dis?

Back to the topic of characters, I find it’s always best to only name a character if they’re going to be very important to the plot. Most of the time, side characters don’t serve much of a purpose to the story other than one or two time appearances, and if you’re going to offload a bunch of names on the reader just because, then it’s practically info-dumping. Try to only introduce a character when they become relevant to the protag’s narrative. And when you do introduce them, give them a distinct personality through their words and actions. (Yet another pro tip: if you need to introduce a lot of names at once, relate them to the character’s personality so it’ll help readers recall the information much more easily).

Let’s discuss the plot next. Despite the aforementioned issues, the premise of this story is interesting: superpowered individuals forced to take part in a survival contest and face life-threatening situations, pitted against one another. Constantly raising questions in the reader’s mind is something the author does quite well, like hinting at characters having knowledge they shouldn’t or reminding readers of the stakes.

I’m glad that you know how to balance the high-stakes contests with moments of the characters' bonding. This makes the deaths more personal. Of course, polishing up the characterizations and their interactions would help, along with giving the readers reasons to care for them (tip: it’s easier with first person pov because if the protag has a reason to care about side characters, this would usually extend to the readers too).

There’s some nice instances of foreshadowing too! I like how initial details that seemed unusual or out of place would have explanations later on in the game, and it always makes games better because it shows that the plot was well thought out. And you had a pretty good plot twist too! I did wonder about that possible plot hole for a while, although if I’m being nitpicky more foreshadowing would be nice. But unreliable narrators are always fun to read about. The diversion from readers’ expectations at the end certainly makes this storygame more memorable than I thought it’d be.

Okay, I guess we finally have to talk about the elephant in the room - looping choices. I left this until the end since I wanted to find the real ending first to see if it’s justified and I’m writing this review as I play through the storygame. Let’s just say we’re not fond of having to go through every single path in a storygame to reach an ending. It’s a sign of linearity (which, on a site for choice-based storygames, isn’t a good thing). And to add insult to injury, the game's insistence that readers have to finish other plotlines to unlock specific choices kind of annoys me - I’ve finally made sense of what’s happening in this narrative, and abruptly, the story stops and asks me to return to a former page. When I return, I have to re-read it again.

While I appreciate the text in brackets telling me the prerequisites of each choice, it does distract from immersion. Maybe making it more obvious what knowledge would be needed for each path could help instead? Or at least moving this information to the choices themselves so it doesn’t break up the story (or experimenting with link visibility, or showing a specific variable, etc). But this is more of a nitpick and not as important as the other things I’ve mentioned. Anyway, I should also state that the (To Be Continued) isn’t necessary and breaks immersion too, so maybe it’s more of a thing you’d put in your drafts and edit out in the published version?

After getting to the first ending, I kind of understand the rationale behind the looping decision. It makes sense, given that [redacted] has the power to [redacted]. And I’m glad that there are new challenges later on to change things up and sustain interest, and the looping means your latter choices rely on prior knowledge in other initial paths, which I found to be quite a cool concept. The narrative is certainly improved when you explore the additional layers behind it. Still, it doesn’t justify trapping the reader in loops that prevent them from ending the game unless they discover the true ending.

Here’s what you could do instead: add end game links so the reader can exit the game at a lackluster ending if they want to, but add another link hinting at more so interested readers can restart and continue reading. While this means not everyone would get to experience the same ‘aha’ moment at the true ending, you’ll probably get a lot more comments. Not to mention that the people who read reviews before playing storygames would be more incentivized to read the whole thing as well, and because they’re choosing to do so of their own free will, they’ll appreciate it more than having to click many, many links for the rating point. And please put endings on normal death outcomes too. Even though they don’t have the most satisfying narrative arcs, they’re natural ends to storygames.

Here’s a rather good example of a game that uses looping mechanics: Dark Night (Noir). I'd recommend you read it.

But aside from this, I would say that a lot of the choices are logical and make sense if the reader’s somewhat good at paying attention to what they read (e.g. who the two [redacted] are based on a previous conversation). There aren’t choices equivalent to ‘left or right’, and while some options require more guesswork than others, the outcomes are realistic in the given context. And I suppose that’s pretty important for a game that relies so heavily on choosing correctly or you won’t find an end game link.

This review has gotten much longer than I intended for it to be, so I’m just going to conclude by saying that if you read everything in this comment, congrats! You have the dedication and determination needed to improve your writing and eventually go on to writing brilliant masterpieces. The concept behind this storygame was good, and compared to some other things we’ve seen on the site, this is by no means too bad of a first attempt.

I suggest you read some of the higher rated storygames on the site and implement all the constructive feedback you’ve received. With enough time and practice (and a lot of perseverance), you’ll soon be churning out exceptional stories :)

I feel that this game is being hated on unnecessarily... for the wrong reasons. If you're going to shit on it, at least hate it because of its awful execution, not the ideas behind it.

People on this website hate reset game links, and basically every single ending in this game other than the very last one has a reset link instead. However, to any future potential readers reading this comment, note that these should just be called "continue the story" links, as the story itself is built around the game constantly resetting, and you and Alma finding out more and more shit. This makes perfect sense, seeing as the game was inspired by 999.

Here's the issue though... this reads as if it was written by somebody with very major brain damage. The writing is so scattered, and disoriented. I read through the entire damn thing and can not name a single character other than Alma, and that's only because that's the name of the girl from F.E.A.R. You drop the reader straight into the action, which is nice, but you also drop nine fucking characters all at once and then expect me to remember even a single one of them.

Remembering who the fuck everybody is is made thrice as more difficult because most of them aren't even given fucking names. Which, once more, is in line with 999, but here's the thing about 999: It's basically a fucking visual novel, and I can <b>*SEE*</b> the characters. That helps A FUCKING HUGE AMOUNT when I need to actually remember them.

In 999 they are also reluctant to give out their names, but at least they have CONSISTENT FUCKING CODENAMES. In the varying "paths" of this (and I call them paths, but this is actually just one linear gauntlet story, you just have to do it in proper order) some of the characters use different codenames. Because I was only introduced to their codenames on one single page before, I already forgot most of them, and introducing new ones doesn't help.

So basically, here I am playing this game, not knowing who any of the characters are, as they are introduced and forgotten far too quickly. Maybe this can still be salvaged, by having a proper plot. And the thing is, this game has the foundation to become a decent "time-loop" game... except the entire fucking story is written as if the author was on some kind of meds. I'll give an example from a page (sic):

"Wake up, man."

I phase ou...

I phase...

I Phase.

I PHASE.

WHAT.

"Your power's gone."

HOW DID HE REMOVE MY...

"Another thing you didn't see."

"I spent such a long time learning how to make this power nullification thing."

He held up some futuristic device.

"Then I came back here."

"Just so I didn't have to kill you."

"It really IS not my style."

"I would prefer an admission of guilt."

"But I doubt you'l-"

"Fine." I said. "I did it."

"I trapped you all in that building."

"Made you kill each other."

"But it was for you!"

"All for you, Peinma!"

"I wanted you to rule the world!"

"Heh." He laughed.

"I guess that makes sense."

"But I'm not going to oblige by your sick, twisted, desires."

I knew it.

Of course he wouldn't.

He's too... Perfect.

He's too fit to rule, so of course he wouldn't.

"I'm sorry."

"I wish that things didn't have to end like this."

"But your vision should be clearing soon."

He wasn't lying.

My vision cleared up.

And then I saw that I was in a jail cell.

Still tied up to that chair.

"JUSIG!"

He was walking out.

"JUSIG! LET ME OUT!"

"It's only for a while." He said.

And then he was gone.

Can you understand anything that is happening, or fuck, who even is talking in this chunk of text? Cause I sure as fuck couldn't. And the entire game is written like this. There are games that pull off what I call "brain damage parts" successfully, but that's all they are - PARTS. When the entire game is fucking messy like this, all you can do is glance at the lines and make your best guess as to who is talking and what is happening. And that has been my experience for at least 80% of this game. The author needs to work heavily on one tiny little detail called "dialogue attribution".

Looking at the chunk I quoted, I have another thing to ask the author: Why the fuck did you name your characters with such odd names? Jusig, Tohra, Natsu? If I'm already going to get just one sentence about each of them before moving on, why couldn't it have been like "Tom" or "Jill" or some normal fucking names I can actually recall?

Finally, as you can see in the quoted example, the actual way that this game is presented is just terrible. Why are 9/10 lines a new paragraph? It's just annoying to read that way, and it is quite confusing.

As I said at the very start, people here hate reset game links, and will harshly rate your game because of it. I feel that the way it's done here is, while definitely annoying, actually appropriate, but a better example of a story you can look at would be " Through Time" - A love & dating storygame by Killa_Robot. It also requires you to finish most of the endings before the true end, but it lets the reader get out of the story at any actual ending, if that's what they want to.

I recommend that the author wait for a couple more constructive comments (which don't essentially say "kill yourself faggot" ) and HEAVILY rework this game, taking them into consideration. There is a solid foundation here, which of course there is, given that it's 999 fanfiction with the serial numbers filed off... but just because the foundation is solid, doesn't mean the house will turn out good. The execution is terrible, and so is the writing. This kind of dialogue does not work in a non-visual novel game that would clearly show the reader which character is talking.

I rated this a 5/8, which is definitely way more than it deserves, but I'm attempting to "save" the storygame from getting unpublished, so the author can get a couple more comments. But seeing as I do not have a lot of voting weight, I probably won't contribute much.

This game fucking sucks and is infuriating to play. I want to strangle the author for making this nightmarish garbage.

I'm going to try doing this properly.

***********************SPOILERS*****************************

Initial Thoughts: WTF MAN! WHY IS EVERYTHING A RESET! JUST LET ME STOP EARLY!

Story: The plot itself was fine. I had no issues with it, but it isn't exactly a masterpiece. The characters are completely forgettable, and there are some questions I was thinking about that distracted me a bit.
For example, how does the main character know how long they were in the white box? I read through the description several times and no clocks or anything are mentioned. We also sleep a lot, which should have thrown off the whole time-tracking thing even more. I get that the whole thing is strange and the characters have powers but for some reason, it really threw me off.

Grammar and structure: Your spelling was fine. My main issue was the spacing. Seriously, why the heck was every sentence spaced out as its own paragraph? This story was very annoying to read. I almost bailed on this story if I wasn't so determined to leave this review. This leads me to my next point.

Gameplay: Why are there no endgame links unless you get to the final ending? I get that you want people to read all of your story, but all the reset links and loops in here are painful. You also forced me to find 2-4 other endings without end links before actually letting me finish it.

Overall: Considering all of the above factors, the highest I could give you was a 3/10. The actual story was defeated by the overall writing style and poor gameplay experience. Would not recommend.

There was definitely a good amount of effort put into this. Unfortunately, the spacing for every sentence made it pretty jarring to read. I'd also recommend fewer Reset Game links.

This game fucking sucks and is infuriating to play.