What a Terrible World

People are really going crazy for this, which isn't surprising since it's sorta like an AI turned a /b greentext into a full length Story Game. This thing is overall a well edited success with violent thrills mixed with comically delivered misfortunes.

I have three issues. First, there are long passages where the protagonist gains a new power abruptly every over page. It's difficult to find any tension in the narrative when I know the protag will suddenly be able to spit his own teeth like a machine gun or smell the heart beats of inanimate objects as needed, whenever convenient. I get it, god powers or what have you, and I get the reference, but its not really engaging when most every problem is instantly solved by a new power.

Second, the tone starts out grim but silly, a comedy of misfortunes equal parts bad fortune and poor judgment. I loved it, but then it veers into a less ironic edge lord power trip, complete with rape, the gamer word, and skull crushing, just typical fun and games that we've all learned to love and enjoy. 'Abrupt' is an issue here again. When did this go from being a funny story about a guy with a bad life trying and failing to rope to...what it is? The internet is laden with le funny sudden ultraviolence, it loses its luster page after page.

Third, the protag isn't interesting enough for the length of the story. Neither are the other characters really. People in the story just behave however needed for the story to move along. We are told again and again about how awkward the protag is because he was dropped on his head as a child, but we hardly ever see that be the case. Also, his friend goes instantly from being a shady, successful, and nearly unreachable black market merchant, to being a butthurt crybaby with attachment issues, to wanting to be your best friend again, all...abruptly, conveniently, and without consequence.

This is why I made the comment earlier about AI. Characters change abruptly, they rarely come back up, the tone shifts, problems are solved by suddenly introduced abilities, and what should be important is forgotten, that the world is kicking this protagonist in the tender bits. But this leads me to my last point.

The endings are really nice. A recap of your personal story, some continuity and consequences of good and bad decisions, and epilogues to boot. This is a very fine way of closing out the story. Really great job pulling it together in the end.

General Recommendation: Recommended. This game hits a particular form of humor CYS is quite appreciative of, and additionally adds on layers of complexity and nuance absent in similar games. But don’t ignore the matirurity rating.
Preview: After your suicide attempt fails, what changes will you bring to your life with the power granted to you by a mysterious being?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
What a surreal game.
I usually can’t stand protagonists like this, but the writing here was entertaining enough to keep me engaged and amused. It also helps that the reader has the opportunity to change the protagonist over the course of the story, turning him from a suicidal wreck into someone with the power and will to make a difference in the world.
I kind of like the way this game starts at absolute rock bottom. It creates a character who has a lot of freedom and a lot of agency. He has absolutely nothing to lose and nothing tying him down, and the player and author are free to do whatever they want with him.
Like Vincha, this game slowly reveals a very interesting world in bits and pieces. We learn about the empire, the importance of whale oil, the root of the plague, and more. It’s certainly not the real world, but it’s certainly not a traditional fantasy setting either, and the unconventional setting fits well with the story’s unconventional plot.
This game takes place in a very violent world, and I mean that in the narrative sense. The world itself may be fine for most people, but as it says in the prompt, brutal event after brutal event keeps hitting the protagonist, emotionally and physically. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, the opportunity to behave in a defiantly ‘moral’ way sticks out all the more.
This game’s epilogues 4 and 5 are weirdly… touching? I don’t think that’s quite the word. I’m reminded of Repression a lot by the tone. The game has spent its first 40,000 words establishing how much this world sucks and how brutal it is to everyone in it. And then, the narrator manages to rise above that, not only pulling his own life up from rock bottom, but in many ways genuinely making a difference in the world for everyone. In a game like this that does not shy away from brutality, the optimism of that message shines particularly strong.
Harak is fun. Through the story more and more is revealed about him, with each major epilogue revealing a key fact. To get a full picture of who and what he really is, the player needs to reach multiple different epilogues, taking the time to go through the story multiple times. I like the way Harak’s explanation of the origin of Harak changes in tone depending on the player’s actions. It makes sense that the narrator behaving in either a depraved or moral way would have a strong impact on his emotional state and world view. It makes the player’s choices seem more meaningful.
Another notable thing about this game is its skill at combining a variety of tones and depths. The majority of the book is an extended surreal journey as the narrator dicks around with his powers. But his decisions subtly affect the world, and himself. This is all revealed at the end. Each of the major epilogues successfully pulls off a unique major tone shift from the previous parts of the game. Each one additionally fills an important niche that rounds out the world, and adds a new layer of complexity and nuance to the game.
Are there bones I could pick with this game? Absolutely. But I’m not going to. This game is fine the way it is, and any major criticism or suggestion for improvement I could offer would come with the risk of upsetting the delicately balanced tone and style that makes this game work.
In summary: Reading this game feels like looking at that video of a guy balancing 20 nails on a single nail head. I have no idea how it works, but it works, and I’m not touching it.

Specific notes:
-“Goodbye, cruel world” is among the better opening sentences I’ve seen on this site.
-Lol: “It all started when I was born. Both of my parents failed to show up.”
-Lol “They should be as dead on the outside as you were on the inside.”
-Lol everyone’s name starts with L. Lydia, lizzie, Lara. EDIT: Liam.
-Nitpick: If the disease outbreak is only affecting the empire so far, it’s not a pandemic, it’s just an epidemic.
-Lol, ““they take your kidneys here” vibes”
-Eh. It always annoys me when I have to explain and/or apologize for something I, the player, didn’t have any control over (I.e. Abandonning Liam). Still, I get that it’s important to the narrative.
-Lol “Hello. My name is Eugene Montago. You f*cked my wife. Prepare to di…” and “Raising his hands (and something else) in the air.”
-Burning the house down is a constant.
-I would complain about the lack of positive female representation, but it’s not like any of the males are potrayed in a better light, lol.
-I like the way a bunch of options open up for the final showdown.
-“A life of revenge” is an interesting epilogue. I like that even though the portagonist is left as badly defeated as he was at the start of the game, he’s learned his lesson about giving up. Instead of attempting suicide (again), he pulls himself back to his feet, learns magic, and starts a successful god-killing lineage. Good for him.
-Lol. Does that imply what I think it does about the epilogue where you marry Lara?
-I like the way the whales show up in epilogue 1.
-Second playthough, trying to get all the epilogues. I like the way the options change depending on your previous choices, it gives the game more depth.

Grammar:
Generally good.
Mastery of Language:
Though the writing is certainly improved from the rushed editing of Vincha, some of the sentence structure is clunky in places, and there are times when the grammer feels off. There are numerous out-of-place quirks to the writing, such as the drawn-out spelling of words, bolded and stared actions, and the like. The writing and dialogue feels unreaslistic, over-the-top, and generally weird and offputting.
And it works beautifully. The story’s writing fits its tone perfectly, turning all of its linguistic flaws into assets. In the places where fragmented phrasing remains, it only contributes to the fragmented tone of the narrator and story itself.

Branching:
Good. This is a good use of the gauntlet format using site scripting, although the story itself is pretty linear, the player has a lot of control over what ending they get.

Player options/Fair choice:
Good. It’s clear what each option means, there are no “gotcha” deaths.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
Got impaled, lol. Othat than that, I did everything “right”, except I shot Doppius at the end instead of sabotaging the ritual. I figured trying that would lead to him screwing up and summoning a bunch of demons into the world or something. Oh well.
In my subjective reader’s experience, this game was weirdly reminiscent of Endmaster’s earlier games, like Repression, Tales from the Basement, and A Very Special Choose Your Story. Like those games, this is a game written in a style I normally dislike with a protagonist I normally couldn’t stand. But like those games, the writing here is amusing and engaging enough to keep me entertained despite it.

WRITING ADVICE:
Celicni: Though good, your writing not perfect, and still has numerous flaws. But in this game, you’ve done something better than fixing those flaws. You’ve found a unique style and tone that turns those idiosyncratic flaws into assets.
I’m a firm believer that any writing “rule” can be broken as long as it’s done so in a way that contributes to the overall story. I can’t think of a better exemplification of this principle than this game. This game breaks all of the normal writing “rules” or prose and dialogue in new and interesting ways, and it’s far, far better off for it. The only true judgement of any writing style or choice is whether or not it works, and this game works.

CONCLUSION: Can’t believe I’m rating this a 7. It doesn’t deserve it.

This is the most belligerently east-european thing I've ever read. It feels like a lost treasure from a part of the internet I thought no longer existed. And that's saying something, considering I'm here on this fucking website. If there was ever a Corkscrew Rules for Dishonored, I'm certain this was it.

I feel nostalgia for a time I hated when it was here. I remember the era of CYS when you really could just read through a gory violent random story full of pop culture references and aging memes, but those things were never above 1000 words, and they were almost never (intentionally) funny. But here we are and it's like all the things those stories could've been but with most of the retardation shaved off.

Do I have any complaints? I don't know. I really can't name anything I would change that wouldn't detract from the very surreal and calculated stupidness that made reading this so funny. There are a lot of verbal cliches in this that make the prose itself sound boomery and kind of cringe, but I'm willing to chalk this up to cultural differences based on other things I've read from ESL people who pull this off differently. When you read this assuming an american kid wrote it, it's cringe. When you read this with all the characters having Niko from GTA accents, the dialogue actually works perfectly with its idiosyncracies and is actually written in a kind of genius, if cartoonish way.

The only flaw I could name would've been how it obnoxiously kind of funnels you toward the "good" path and does unwieldly lecturing here and there which is something I hated in the actual Dishonored, but even that's kind of rectified by the prologue where you basically start plotting to kill the moralizing bastard for taking your powers away.

Maybe I am soft in my old age. I'm sure Back-in-the-Day Sent would've had more vitriolic things to say, especially back in the day when more things like this were written but in worse quality and no understanding of the enter key. But a lot of the time Back-in-the-Day Sent was also an ostentatious faggot. My priorities are different, now. I have less free time and so my cause for reading and engaging with literature is more noble, I have no time for pissing myself off on purpose. So I was endlessly amused by the fact that one of the deaths is you deepthroating a poop sword. None of the retards who wrote the things this reminds me of would've come up with that.

I like this storygame, and I'm not sure if I like that I like it, but here I am. Take the commendation, you degenerate animal.

No fair! You made me actually cry with that epilogue, and everyone knows which one I'm talking about. First playthrough of the game, sadistic asshole, second, now I'm bawling like a baby, thanks for that lol. But seriously, this story actually struck a cord with me, it has its times of lacking, but overall, its not only an excellent work, but kind of inspiring (assuming you aren't taking the asshole path, or maybe its still inspiring, you live like you wanna live you fucking psychopaths) thank you for this story. And also for the song. That was kind of a shock. And I'm not actually good at finishing with some comment that is really significant and uses a pun from my favorite ending, so again, thank you for making a terrible world into a wonderful one. That's all I got. I'm gonna go to sleep now, thanks for also keeping me up till midnight playing this haha. (Not, I'ma go play all yer other games! Mwahahahahaha!)!

As you requested, I’m here to offer suggestions on improving your writing in general, not necessarily this game. Before beginning, I’d like to say your humor drew me in - it felt unforced. Some of my favorite lines included “Lightning strikes outside, just like in a horror story. Good timing too, for the response you get is nothing short of horror” and "Okay okay, I get it... you're hopeless and need a change in your life. Believe me, I've been there... very, VERY recently.”

Another one of your strengths came from your dialogue and character voices. Their traits and emotions shone in their lines and made the scenes come alive. For instance, Liam’s troubled yet passionate personality reeled me in, especially with how he swapped between being friendly and spitting out snarky barbs. I was interested to see how their conversation would play out. Meanwhile, Harak’s dark, secretive nature intrigued me, and his clinical nature inspired some dread.

Mixed with a high-stakes mission, your game offered an enjoyable combination of comedy and darkness. As Gryphon mentioned, despite breaking many writing rules, you struck a unique balance with humor, tone, and your writing style.
To further push your writing, perhaps you could consider some of the suggestions below, which mostly revolve around dialogue since your story heavily featured it. The main suggestions involve breaking up monologues with actions and shorter exchanges, condensing and summarizing your dialogue, using implication and subtext, and chronologically arranging events.


|| BREAK UP YOUR DIALOGUE AND USE ACTIONS ||

First, break up your dialogue for a more realistic exchange. Although your dialogue contained hilarious lines and communicated strong emotions, the conversations consisted of monologues where characters waited their turn to react. One way to simulate realistic dialogue is to write shorter exchanges for more back-and-forth.

Another way is to use actions. Spread them out through the conversation rather than adding them all at the end of a monologue. They can improve story flow, break up speeches, and give a sense of movement, so characters don’t feel passive. For example, when the protagonist Eugene met Liam after six years, Liam mostly monologued. Here’s how you might change that.

Since you wrote Liam looked up in the middle of speaking, try interrupting him, add that action, and then continue speaking. You can use italics to emphasize words and signify tone. I can't do italics, so I'll put words between slashes /like this/:

Liam’s busy scrubbing a pistol part with a rag. Without looking up, he robotically recites a speech. "Welcome to Liam's underground gun, drugs, and pet shop. How may I he–” His eyes flicker up to you, and his hands freeze mid-wipe. “Oh.” He sets down the parts. “/Oh./ Hoooly shit. If it isn’t my old buddy Eugene.”

Here, you continued Liam’s dialogue, but for more back-and-forth, consider showing Eugene’s response and/or utilizing body language. Someone who’s ashamed may creep inside: (Jamming your hands in your pockets, you slink in through the door, just enough to let it slam shut behind you. “Hey, Liam.” Your voice shrinks at his name, and you clear your throat. “Well. How’s it going?”). But a confident protagonist may clash with Liam’s anger: (You kick the door shut behind you. “Hey, buddy! Long time, no see.” Spreading your arms out, you beam at Liam. “Miss me?”)

Actions can also build tension and emphasis, revealing relationships and underlying emotions:

His meaty hands slam on the counter. You flinch, but he’s only leaning forward and squinting at you.
“Your–” He gestures to his face. “Your face. It’s not as fucked up. What, did you go to the world’s best surgeon?”
“Er, not exact–”
“Wait!” His jaw drops. “Where’s your eyepatch?”


|| SHOW INTERRUPTIONS ||

Another way to break up dialogue is to show interruptions. For example, when Harak appeared next to Eugene, he spoke for a long time and then it showed Eugene getting startled. A more realistic exchange might look like:

Something on your left hand catches your attention. On the back is a strange, dark symbol, encircled with runes.
“As you can see, mortal–”
Hank’s voice rings out next to your ear, and you flinch. “Holy shit, man!”
“–you now wear my mark.” He stands by your side, face impassive. Tilting his head, he gestures to your body. “Any ailments or deficiencies . . . etc.”


|| CONDENSE DIALOGUE ||

Next, condense your dialogue to make it crisper and quicken the pace. This allows your great dialogue lines to shine brighter. One method of doing this is to consider what’s truly necessary information and avoid rambling because you have limited time to maintain interest.

For example, in Liam’s backstory, the attention-grabbing hook is his missing fiancee, but it’s hidden under paragraphs of rambling. Try introducing that earlier and omitting paragraphs about her body and his marriage plans. It might look something like:

“You’re right, man,” you sigh.
Liam manages a small smile and pats your shoulder.
“But how ‘bout you? Why’re you so mad about Doppius anyway?”
His smile drops. “Doppius,” he growls. “That–”
You barely scooch back just as he slams his mug down on the table. Beer sloshes onto the floor and your sneakers.
“That /motherfucker/ is why I’m in this shithole!”
His shout cuts through the air and echoes through the shop. You stare at him, at the sweat lining his face. It’s only then you notice his red-rimmed eyes, his hollowing cheeks as though he hasn’t eaten properly in days.
Slouching back in his seat, he releases a ragged breath and rubs his face. “Maria,” he moans into his palms. “You remember her, right? Woman I was gonna marry?”
Not really, but you nod and sip at your drink.
His shoulders slump. “She’s missing.”
You nearly choke.

Also, Maria’s work history can be boiled down to the most pertinent information:

“She worked at that bastard’s home.” His eyes cut to you. “Never came back one day.”

In addition, to show someone’s rambling without actually rambling, you could add one line or two before interrupting it. Or add an extra line at the end of dialogue like below, but be careful as it may disrupt a serious tone. The goal is to emulate realistic dialogue without repetition or clutter.

“Never came back one day.” He takes another long drink and then sighs/whatever action you want. “Oh, Maria, we were supposed to have sixteen sons . . .”
You shift in your chair. “Liam.”


|| AVOID INFODUMPING IN DIALOGUE ||

You should also avoid using dialogue to infodump history or a character’s motivations, which overwhelms readers. This not only disrupts pacing and immersion but also reveals the magic trick before the performance. Having received all the answers, why should the reader continue? For example, when Eugene encountered Jerry, the mystery lay behind his identity and unknown intentions. Instead of instantly revealing them, raise questions and drop clues to encourage readers to discover the answers. Consider how you can show Eugene’s ignorance and hint at the potential peril he’s in, letting the readers be as ignorant as him. As for Jerry “pitying” Eugene, consider how you can show his conflicting emotions in dialogue and body language.


|| SHORTEN LINES AND REDUCE WORDINESS ||

Another method to condense dialogue is to shorten long lines and reduce wordiness, which improves pacing. Your dialogue uses full sentences, but in reality, people speak more in fragments. For instance, the dialogue here:

"I'd love to give you something in return Jerry but the thing is... I have absolutely no money. I spent it all on booze and a noose to hang myself. It's a long story really, but right now I only have the clothes on my back..."

Could be adjusted to:

“Listen, I’d love to return the favor. Thing is, I’m broke.”
“/What?/”
“I spent it on booze and a noose to –” Your eyes cut to his tightening fists. “Okay. Okay!” You raise your hands. “Look, all I got are the clothes on my back.”

You can also reduce lines to one or two where possible, especially if they have a similar meaning. Look for repetition as you sometimes repeated information, such as Liam constantly bemoaning that Eugene abandoned him for Lydia. You can also reduce dialogue to one or two lines that best represent the character’s voice. For example, when Jerry insulted Eugene for not returning the favor, that amusing, insulting paragraph could be condensed to:

“God!” he spits. “Amazing how stupid you are. Ever heard of ‘quid pro quo’?”
You slowly step back. “Quid pro wha?”
“I just gave you some valuable info. And now -” Lifting a hand, he rubs his thumb over two fingers like he’s rubbing coins. “You gotta gimme something.”


|| USE IMPLICATION AND SUBTEXT||

In addition, try using implication or subtext rather than spelling everything out. Sometimes, less is more, and what’s unsaid holds more interest or impact. Also, let the reader infer from context and clues rather than clearly defining emotions or thoughts.
For instance, when Liam insulted Eugene’s wife, it’s said he was “obviously very irritated” as he said: “Lydia? Every Lydia I ever met was a whore, and I bet your wife is no exception to that. Were you cucked by her?" By saying every Lydia he met was a whore, Liam already implied he thought Eugene’s wife was one too. Let the reader figure that out. You can change it to:

“See you been hitting the gym too.” Shoving the mess of gun parts aside, he leans on the counter. “So, what brings you to this dark place?” He eyes you. “And where’s that wife of yours? Thought you two were attached at the hip. Hmm, what was her name again . . . Lydia?”
“Yeah. Lydia.”
He snorts. “Every Lydia I ever met was a whore.” A smile slowly spreads across his face, but it’s mean and hard. He runs his tongue over his teeth. “What? You get cucked by her?”
In the past, before everything happened, you might’ve gotten indignant and red in the face. Probably even challenged the scoundrel to a duel. How dare he insult the chastity of your fair maiden and all that white knight bullshit.
But he’s right. That bitch broke you.
So you shrug. “Something like that. Not why I’m here though.”

Another example is when Liam went from threatening Eugene to hugging him. Since you’re already showing the drastic switch and Eugene’s bewilderment, there’s no need to say, “The mood shift is drastic and quite alarming.” Same goes for: “He is clearly shocked by the change in your appearance.” You already showed his shock at Eugene’s missing eyepatch, so no need to say that.

In addition, you can use actions that contrast with dialogue to reveal a character’s emotions (ex: He shrugged. “I’m cool with that,” he mumbled, but underneath the table, his hands tightened into fists.).


|| SUMMARIZE LONGER EXCHANGES ||

Third, summarize longer exchanges/use telling sentences, and perhaps highlight a few dialogue lines to show your character’s voice. You might use this when, say, a character’s recalling a long memory or catching someone up on events the readers have read (ex: “Wait til you hear this.” Pulling him over, she told him everything that’d happened over the past days.).

For instance, to avoid losing the reader’s attention, Eugene’s rant to Harak about his childhood could be summarized like:

You go on and on, telling him about the time your father carried you upstairs and stepped into a hole. “And that bastard caught himself - by dropping me.” You got a hit to the head and a collection of scars that only grew throughout the years.
Like when you fell off your bike at three, and the metal handle slammed into your eye, forcing you to wear the eyepatch you’ve had to this day.
Or at four, when you rode on the backseat of your father’s bike, and your legs got trapped in the wheels, breaking your ankle. “I walk funny since then.”
By now, Harak’s hand has slid up to cover his face, and his head droops.
“And then –”
“/Alright/, mortal!” he snaps. “I get it. You don’t have to be /that/ detailed.”

Also, consider summarizing information that may not be as interesting or important, such as Liam showing Eugene every weapon. Since it’s not essential to the current scene, you could even delay sharing information until he’s about to use it (ex: Crouching on the roof, you rummage through your bag and draw out a sleek, long sword. One quick swipe, and the thick rope hangs in frays. Damn. Liam wasn’t kidding about the quality.). You don’t even need to share details about every weapon.

You can also consider using a flashback, specifically for Eugene’s lengthy retelling of the events that triggered his suicide attempt. Flashbacks increase immersion and allow readers to re-experience an important moment through the protagonist’s eyes. However, use flashbacks sparingly as they disrupt the chronological flow, halt the story, and displace the narrator into another time. And sometimes, they ruin the mystery of characters and relationships. I encourage you to research more about when and how to use them as I won’t delve in the details.


|| CHRONOLOGICALLY ARRANGE EVENTS ||

Fourth, arrange your dialogue and action chronologically. To clarify, after a monologue, you sometimes inserted an action(s) which occurred before the dialogue and/or in the middle of it. This can lead to mental gymnastics as the reader must now reorder events in their imagination. For example, one area this occurred was when Liam monologued about his feelings, but the final line said he downed his beer and THEN unleashed his feelings:

You take a seat as Liam pours you a cold one, then fills his mug as well.
"Now listen here Eugene, I know I just said some very mean shit, but you have to understand, I was hurt . . . etc." Liam unleashes his feelings on you as soon as he downs his first beer.

Instead, you could show him downing the beer first and THEN begin his lines. In the example below, I’ve decreased wordiness/lines, sprinkled actions around for movement and pacing, and shared only necessary information. I’ve also reduced repetition since Liam already ranted about their friendship history:

You take a seat as Liam pours you a cold one, then fills his mug as well. Throwing back his head, he downs his with a few long gulps, releasing a content sigh. “Listen, Eugene.” He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I said some mean shit, but you gotta understand, I was hurt.”
Your grip tightens around your drink. “Yeah.”
He points at you. “Don’t get me wrong. You lucked out with that bitch, and I was happy for you. Just–” He rubs his jaw and stares down at the dregs in his mug. “Well.”
You stare down at the fraying rug.
After a moment, Liam bitterly laughs. “Bros before hoes, right?” Shaking his head, he stumbles up for another beer.


|| EXTRA AREAS ||

Other than dialogue, I spotted a few other areas I’ll quickly cover. One consists of emotional intensity and emotional range. I noticed many rapid escalations in emotion, and with characters quickly resorting to screaming in all caps, it caused them to come across as caricatures. Due to lack of time, I’m going to link you to this short article (https://writershelpingwriters.net/2014/02/writing-extreme-emotion-without-melodrama/).

Another thing is to look for redundancy in adverbs. For example, phrases like “forcefully spits” or “angrily snaps” can be reduced to just “spits” or “snaps” because the verb has the same meaning. More examples I’ll make up: yelled loudly, ran quickly, frantically scrambled.

One final area I’ll point out is to consider reducing telling phrases like “you see/hear/feel” to minimize clutter and increase immersion. If necessary, don’t hesitate to use all telling in your first draft, and then later see what can be changed to showing. An example is “You see him rush off to the other room, and hear crashing as he clearly fell over a chair on the way.” This could instead be:

“He rushes off to the other room, stumbling over his feet.
/Crash!/
“I’m okay!” he yells. “Damn chairs.”

Or: “By the time you reach the alleys with the fake entrance to Liam's shop, it is sundown, and you realize that if some of the Watch members see you, you'll likely be in trouble” could be “. . . it’s sundown. If the Watch members spot you, you’re screwed.”


|| CONCLUSION ||

In conclusion, I believe that editing your dialogue will further push your writing. Specifically, try trimming your monologues, breaking them up with action, summarizing longer or less interesting exchanges, implementing subtext and implication, and chronologically arranging your dialogue and action. Try also watching for repetition and redundancy, and see where you can trim down on words.

Other than that, your story shone with your multiple strengths. The drama and humorous exchanges kept me invested, especially with how distinct your characters sounded. You gave readers a clear picture of the scenes, and you poured in engaging character dynamics and voices to add that spark. You don’t need heavily descriptive scenes to be a good writer, and besides, your writing style is more detailed than you think (great description of Liam’s appearance by the way. I could really see him). Sometimes, a “simpler” or blunter approach to scene description is interesting, especially when balanced with strong dialogue.

I hope you keep writing, and I look forward to seeing more from you.

I need a worse score than Peng.

Score comment.

Jimmy approves this

Deepness is an active situation. A real struggle with a thousand options.

Trying to see if i scored higher this time