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Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 1/15/2017 5:17:21 PM

Well, it seems some little bitches have devices not capable of loading all my magnificent writing in the other thread, so this new thread shall be for them. Here's the original masterpiece.

Chapter XX: Pre-Massacre Banter

The Council of Nine sat around a large table covered in various horrific stains in the war room. Sky was also there for some reason, even she wasn't a council member, she just sat there, strumming a didgeridoo, or beating it with her fists, or... what the fuck do you even do with a didgeridoo? Is it like a flute? Fuck it, she didn't have a didgeridoo, she had a boomerang. Outside the window they could hear countless children laughing and playing outside. 

"For fuck's sake, what are they doing?!" Lady Mizal yelled. "This is a fucking library-city, not a fucking playground! We need to put an end to this?"

"What the fuck do you expect us to do? We couldn't even kill Cutty!" Bucky complained.

"Well I done marmalade didgeridoo kanga-Wik Peoples v Queensland 1996," Sky said.

"I'm not the only one already sick of this bit, am I?" Mr IAP complained.

The door to the Undead King's room opened, as Thara strolled out, skipping along as her obnoxiously short skirt jiggled as she headed down the stairs and out of the tower.

"Oh for fuck's sake! When did we start letting her in?!" Mizal yelled, kicking over her chair. 

The Undead King opened the door to his room, sniffling as he took his seat.

"Are you... crying?" Bucky asked. "What has happened to you?"

"No! I'm... I'm fucking furious! You're all just sitting around here doing shit all! Mizal's just loudly bitching, Axiom's bitching while calling it a review, Bucky's not doing shit, Steve is touching himself, I don't know who the fuck that is but she keeps saying marmite and doing nothing else interesting, Mister IAP is just smoking his comically large cigar and Lacker is humping my fucking boot!"

"Yeah, he does that a lot. It's pretty pathetic you haven't noticed," Axiom criticized. "I think since Wibbins was kicked out he has no one touching his junk."

There was a painfully loud squelch before the Undead King's gaze slowly dropped to the floor.

"Did he just cum on my new boot?" the Undead King asked.

"No, it seems he shat on your bo..." Bucky began to say before there was another squelch. "Oh no, yeah he just came."

"For fuck's sake, you guys are useless! It's pathetic! You need the Soul Banisher to get some shit done. I'll be back in a few minutes."

The Undead King stormed out the door, leaving the council there.

"He's done whacked the dingo and got the baby," Sky said sadly. "We sure threw the boomerang and it didn't come back Canberra James Cook marmite dingo." 

"He's right. We're all shit. Especially you, Mizal," Axiom criticized.

"I'm getting a drink," Steve said.

"Your alcoholism is one of the biggest problems we have, you dick!"

"Hey, we deal with the fact no one understands the aussie cunt, one of us is a fucking Capybara and I don't think any of you have noticed, but I'm pretty sure Ivy's vanished! Fix that shit and I'll stop drinking!"

Steve spat on the table while thrusting his genitals, before spinning around and walking to the fridge, opening it and searching for another bottle of cidar.

"We shouldn't even have a fridge! We haven't even invented the lightbulb! This is medieval time!" Axiom criticized. 

"Oh I'm sorry, do you want to go to storing shit in the salt pit! Because not only did everything taste salty and warm, but cats pissed in it!" Steve hissed, grabbing a bottle and pulling it out before slamming the fridge shut.

Steve froze, staring at the half naked, balding fat man who stood next to the fridge, eating a sandwich.

"Uh... hello?"

The man stared at Steve, continuing to eat his sandwich.

"Hey," the man said.

The man stared at Steve, his mouth partially agape and drooling as he stared at Steve with dull eyes. Steve stared at the oversized ape, wondering whether his clenching would be more powerful than the man's thrusting.

"Are you gonna drink that?" the man asked, stepping forward.

Snake Steve hissed as Steve fumbled for his mace, stepping back. 

"You stay the fuck back or Snake Steve's going so far up your ass you'll be able to taste his venom."

"OK", the man grunted, taking another bite of his sandwich.

"Alright, who the fuck you are and why the fuck you are here?"

"I'm Jim," the man mumbled, his mouth filled with a mouthful of chewed bread, butter and ham. "Bucky invited me."

"Bucky! Get the fuck over here!" Steve yelled, as another slack-jawed dumbass sauntered out of Bucky's room.

"Hey," she said, as Steve raised his mace defensively.

Bucky rushed over, raising his sword.

"Why the fuck are there so many slack jawed idiots here and why do they think you invited them here?"

"I ate my best friend," Jim said.

"I did invite them. What's wrong with them?"

Jim let out a rumbling fart that for once made Steve envy the Jews in Dakau. 

"I... is this a bit? Are we in a bit right now? Is this because of what I did to your toothbrush?"

"What did you do to my toothbrush?" Bucky asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I cleaned my teeth with it. I just didn't stick it in my mouth."

Content with two "Getting things in the mouth through inserting them in the rectum" jokes in about a minute, Steve knew his wit would only get worse from there and sat back down. Suddenly, the door burst open as the Undead King dragged in a small child who cried and wept constantly.

"Who the fuck is that?" Mizal asked.

"This is a cute little _tot_. I have a plan," the Undead King said. "We're going to cause some major shit in this town, and the Soul Banisher's going to help us do it."

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago


"Why is there a kid there?" Mister IAP asked, staring at the scrawny little child in the Undead King's arm.

"Oh, is that Thara's kid?" Steve asked. "Pop in on the table and I can give you a discount abortion!" 

"Thara doesn't have a kid. She makes sure she can't get pregnant," the Undead King said, staring at the ground sadly. "She makes me lick... I mean this kid's the key to everything. The playgrounds are full of dumbasses talking and laughing and playing games! We need to purge them! But all of you are too pathetic to do so, so I'm getting someone more powerful. The Soul Banisher."

"The Soul Banisher's right there," Mizal said, sticking her thumb out to point at the massive doors to the Soul Banisher's chambers.

"No. I want to give him a mortal form to truly cause chaos!"

"A mortal form?" Mizal said, pausing. "How?"

"This little _tot_ is a true loner, an unlikable little prick who's a virgin. If we can sacrifice him, his soul will be devoured by the Soul Banisher, and he can possess the little bastard!"

"I don't want to have my soul eaten!" _tot_ shrieked.

"Shut it, you little prick. I already promised I wouldn't kill you and you'd be fine."

"Oh, OK," the stupid little bastard said, wiping away his tears.

"I'm going to dump this little bastard in the Soul Banisher's chambers," the Undead King said, strolling forward.

The Undead King opened the door, tossing the child head first into the chambers.

"Ah... a little flesh puppet," the dark voice of insanity laughed, as the Undead King frantically shut the door behind him.


The Council of Nine sat around the table, playing cards.

"OH GOD! It's eating my sanity! Leave me be! DEATH! KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME!" _tot_ screamed.

"Shut it!" Bucky yelled. "Alright, Mizal, got any fours?"

"Yeah," Mizal said, tossing out a four of spades.

"Done blimey cricket my boomerang Rolf Harris Aborigine?" Sky asked, as the rest of the Council once again skipped her turn.

"It's all dead! Nothing is left! Nothing remains! All is dust!" _tot_ howled.

"Got any...?" Mister IAP began to ask, before Steve slammed his hand down on the table.

"Royal flush, bitches! Fuck all of you!" Steve yelled.

"We're playing Go Fish!" Bucky said.

"How about Go Fuck yourself, because I got a royal flush?" Steve said, giving him the finger.

"You're... you're just so stupid," Axiom criticized. 

The door to the Soul Banisher's chambers were kicked open. What was once _tot_ stood there. His... or its, more likely, hair and skin was drenched with blood and sweat. Its teeth were mangled and pointed like a predators. Its eyes were so horribly blank it seemed to suck your soul into the sockets. 

"Hello, slaves," it said. "It seems you need me to take a more humanoid form."

"We..." Mizal said, trembling as she realized the Soul Banisher had taken on a human shell. "I kinda expected you to take on a less scary figure. Like Morgan Freeman."

The Soul Banisher ignored her, expecting his new form. His claw-like finger nails dug into his arm, peeling away a long strip of flesh and sniffing it, before tossing it aside.

"So pathetic. So frail. So weak. This form will need to rest in a few hours. Let's take advantage of the time we have now, shall we?"

"What... what are we doing?" Bucky asks.

"Slaughter, of course!" the Soul Banisher said, laughing. "The playgrounds were the issue you complained about, wasn't it? Let's take my flesh puppet for a spin, shall we? Let's purge!"


"I want to play the vampire! You always get to be the werewolf!" one of the children yelled, hopping atop the seesaw.

"Yeah, but I'm more of a vampire!" the other child complained. "You're more hairy. You can be the werewolf."

Both the pair stopped, seeing a little boy who looked particularly... werewolf-y strolling down the streets, singing.

"I've got no string to hold me down, to make me fret, or make me frown, I had string, but now I'm free, there are no strings on me!" the boy sang.

"Hey there!" the first child yelled. "Do you want to play? You can be the werewolf!"

The new child strolled over, laughing.

"Hello there, little thing," he said, grinning as his skin broke open and his face split to allow him to grin even wider.

"Oh! Hey, you're bleeding! You need to go to a...!"

"Ssssh," the new child hushed, gently grabbing the first child by the neck and gently pressing his lips again the first child's forehead. "So young. So innocent. I've heard enough of your words. Let me here your screams."

In a single motion, the new child bit down on the first child's forehead, tearing into his flesh and releasing a wave of blood. He jabbed his fingers into the kid's stomach, tearing out a length of intestine. The kid screamed as his friend stared in horror, unable to move. The new child slowly pulled out a length of intestine, squeezing it as it popped to let blood and half-digested food wall to the ground. With a gentle push, the new child knocked the first child to the ground, as his blood stained the ground.

"Ssssh," the new... "child" hushed again. "Watch. Watch the life flow from him and feed the soil. So quick, isn't it? I'm going to make you beg for that quickness."

The second child burst into tears, warm urine filling his pants. The Soul Banisher laughed once more, flicking the child's ear. He began to speak, emphasizing each word with another gentle flick.

"You'll... beg. But... you... won't... receive it!"

The boy continued to sob and the first child continued to scream, but both sounds were drowned out by the Soul Banisher's horrifying laughter.


Steve stuck the torch under a wooden jungle gym, stepping back as it burst into flames. He stepped to stand with the rest of the Council Members, staring at the destruction around them.

"I... I didn't think it'd be this bad," Mizal said, staring at the horror around her.

One of the bodies, a tiny little form missing her lower body began to drag herself along the ground, its intestines trailing behind her. She stared up at the Council Members, despite being unable to see as her eyes had been brutally torn out. She opened her mouth, spitting out the bits of flesh that had been forced in there.

"Please... kill me," she begged.

Bucky moved forward to finish her off, but Mizal stopped him.

"The Soul Banisher said to leave them suffer or there'd be hell to pay."

Bucky stared down at the girl, wondering what hell the Soul Banisher could dream up if this was his idea of play-time. 

The Undead King appeared, stepping over a desperately writhing mass of multiple mutilated children stitched together into an unholy being and walking over.

"The Soul Banisher is finished. He's heading back to his chambers. He said now that the games areas have been purged, we can replace it with a brand new library. I'd say we'll call it Creative Corner."

The group stared around at the carnage around them, wondering how they could ever be redeemed for their action.

Then they realized Malk was humping a corpse of a beheaded child in Capybara form, and they laughed and headed to get a drink as they realized this was funny. Fuck these stupid kids, the Council of Nine had won! They'd get their Creative Corner!

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago
Humping a hump?

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago

Oops. That should be "corpse of a beheaded child". Whatever.

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago

Replaced what you meant to say instead.

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago

Cheers, my good man.

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago
Damn. Goriest one yet?

I had a hard time remembering who the hell _Tot_ was supposed to be at first, but then I realized you had a plot hole because that kid was already possessed by Charmeleon.

Outline more, Steve.

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

11 days ago

Charmeleon is too boring to have a personality, hence all his alts are easily disposable goons.

Council of Nine: Screwed and Shitty

6 days ago

Chapter XXII: No such thing as a free meal

The Council strolled along the road, the Soul Banisher leading the way. The Eldritch being contained in the child sung in an eerily childlike voice as the peasants desperately ran and hid.

"I've got no string to hold me down, to make me fret, or make me frown, I had string, but now I'm free, there are no strings on me!" the horror sang.

The boy paused, turning down a side street towards the soup kitchen. There, a group of kind-faced men handed out bowls of soup and Thrones to the lame, the retarded, the fairly ugly and really just the general shit of the city.

"Hello, good sirs! What is this establishment, may I ask?"

The peasants and their patrons froze, staring at the blood-covered boy. The boy smiled, grinning wide.

"What is it? Do I have something in my teeth?" he asked.

The boy reached into his mouth, pulling out a strip of skin from his last victim and throwing it out.

"Got it. So, what is this establishment?"

A young man stepped forward, a child hiding behind him.

"A s-soup kitchen, sir. We give a bowl of soup and a Point to the citizens every day," he said, nervously. 

"Child, come here," he said, walking forward. 

The child nervously stepped forward, walking towards the Soul Banisher with the young man following.

"Wait, if you're going to pu...!"

The Soul Banisher's eyes flickered with annoyance and for the briefest of moments the clouds were illuminated to reveal billions of tendrils rapidly descending from the sky with the voice of a billion dying angels filling his flesh puppet's lungs.

"SILENCE!" he screams.

The young man fell silent, staring at him.

"Are you hungry, boy?" the Soul Banisher asked.

The child nodded nervously. 

"Hold out your bowl, child," the Soul Banisher demanded.

The child held out his empty bowl, staring ahead nervously. The Soul Banisher smiled, before grabbing the young man and tearing his stomach open with a flash of his claws. The child screamed and tried to run but with his spare hand the Soul Banisher grabbed his hand and held the bowl in place. The young man screamed as blood and guts spilled out into the bowl, before collapsing on the ground. The child wept, as the Soul Banisher leaned forward.

"Eat," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

"What?" the boy asked.

"Eat!" the Soul Banisher roared. "You were happy to leach off the strong when what you took from them was only the product of their blood, sweat, tears, guts and courageousness! Now that I give you the real thing does your belly shrink?!"

The boy stared up at him, realizing what he needed to do. Sobbing, he slowly grabbed a tract of intestine, bringing it to his lips and taking a small bite.

"Good. From now on, this is no longer a Soup Kitchen. The Mods will determine who has worked hard enough to eat. Now, you've all filled your belly with food not earned. Unless you want me to cut them open to take it back, get to work building the new Library."

The peasants burst off, as did the charity workers. The Soul Banisher grabbed one, looking at him.

"What's your name, charity worker?"

"Will, sir," the man said.

"Ah yes, I've heard of your generosity towards the city. Fetch me Bijorn Frosthammer and return here," he said.

The boy nodded, running off. With that, the Soul Banisher took seat at one of the benches and began eating from the bowl of guts and blood.

"I'm not really liking the way our adventures are turning. We used to have fun. Now it's just him murdering people," Mizal complained.

"Hey, where's Bucky?" Steve asked.

"We're not talking about that," Mizal answered.

"Wait, w...!" Steve said, before he was interrupted by Sky.

"Oh, didgeridoo Khao Pad Communism Olympics Tank Man Tibet is part of China," she said through her oversized teeth, staring at them with tiny, slanted eyes.

"What the fuck has happened her?"

"I been normal Koala bear flied lice city wok," Sky answered.

Steve froze, falling over as he stared up at her in horror.

"How long has she been Asian?" Steve asked.

"Uh... always?" Mister IAP asked.

"Dammit!" Steve complained. "I touched myself to thoughts of her! Oh god!"

"Still am," General Lacker said, as everyone realized he wasn't just scratching his nuts.

"Jesus, Malk! Stop jerking it!" Axiom said, as the wind whispered "You're doing great! Don't forget the balls!", which only caused Malk to increase his efforts fervently.

"Oh, you've gone and dingo ate my baby Mongolians tear down my wall!" Sky said in disgust, kicking Malk in the balls.

At the feeling of human touch, especially female, Malk filled his pants with a satisfied grunt and spewing a puddle of a certain fluid onto the ground before transforming into a Capybara, where he began licking said fluid up.

"So like, what even is her character? Is she just a foreign person we don't understand? Does she actually do anything interesting?"

"I can understand her," Mister IAP said.

"Fuck it, I can't. Her few words of English are totally unstructured," Axiom criticized.

"Oh great, now look what you've done!" Mizal said. "When he drinks that he gets sick in the night!"

"That's not because he drinks... that. He gets sick every night, doesn't he?" Mister IAP asked.

"No, it's because he drinks that, and he does," Mizal sat, kicking Malk in the head and trying to scare him away, but the kicking only caused the Capybara to try to approach the puddle genitals first in hopes of a second go.

Suddenly, Will arrived with the massive, mighty Bijron Frosthammer with him, holding his signature hammer which sucked the heat out of the air. The Soul Banisher grinned, standing.

"Ah, friends!" he said.

He walked forward as the two nervously stared at him.

"Seeing as I'm making my control over this town more obvious, I thought I'd give some favored servants of the city a gift, yes?"

The pair looked at each other, frowning.

The Soul Banisher stepped forward wiping blood from the corners of his mouth and drawing a strange, eldritch symbol on each of their foreheads. 

"There. You are now favored sons of the city. Feel free to take a few brides to celebrate, maybe a trophy."

The pair nodded, before the Soul Banisher's grin vanished.

"Well? FUCK OFF!"

The pair quickly took heel and ran off, before the Soul Banisher returned to his seat and continued.

The Council of Nine awkwardly realized that with the exception of Malk they were hungry and walked into the soup kitchen, grabbing bowls of soup for themselves.

Fuck, life was getting depressing.